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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How upsetting would you find this?

44 replies

Fuckety · 18/01/2021 18:42

I’ve been seeing a man for the last 7 months. It’s the first relationship I’ve been in since my marriage broke down. I really, really like him and I think our relationship is going fantastically. We have amazing chemistry, just have a real laugh all the time and the sex is amazing.

We were having a videocall chat last night. He’d just done a group call with some of his uni mates and had obviously had a drink. I’ve seen him tipsy before, we often share a bottle of wine when we’re together but I’ve never seen him properly drunk like he was last night. Anyway he was chatting away saying how much he liked me, that he never thought he’d meet anyone else after his divorce and he can’t believe he nearly fucked me off. I asked him what he meant and he said that he wasn’t interested in me after our first date - that I seemed really stuck up and hadn’t made an effort at all. Then another woman that he had been chatting to decided not to meet up with him so he thought he would call me after all. Then he was really glad he did because even though he didn’t like me that much more after our second date he thought I was a really good kisser and so decided to keep seeing me. He said he now realised I was just shy and that actually I’m really lovely and the least stuck up person ever, I just gave off that wrong impression.

I felt myself getting upset so I said that I was tired and hung up. I feel like such an idiot, I thought we had a really good connection from our first date. He’s messaged me a couple of times today apologising if he was drunk and being an idiot last night, I don’t think he remembers what he actually said.

Am I being daft to feel so upset about this?

OP posts:

BubblyBarbara · 18/01/2021 18:46

He’s a bit clumsy with his words but I actually think that’s quite sweet really

Harmarsuperstar · 18/01/2021 18:47

I'm not sure really. I can imagine someone thinking the same about me tbh. I'm really lovely and a good kisser too but I know I don't always make the best first impression unless I'm off my face

seensome · 18/01/2021 18:50

No your not being daft, I would feel upset too, he's horrible to tell you he thought you were stuck up and only met you because another woman turned him down, true you might of grown on him but still, that was hurtful of him, calling you drunk it also twaty of him, seriously think if want to still see him, it probably won't be the last idiot too truthful call you get.

MaLarkinn · 18/01/2021 18:52

the first time i saw my boyfriend it was late and night and i thought he was going to kill me as i tried to get my key in my door. his collar was up, woolly hat pulled down, dressed in black. he looked like one of those pictures/sketches from crime watch.

8 years later we still laugh about it.

no one is really themselves on a first date op and i wouldn’t be bothered by his comments.

Newfor2021 · 18/01/2021 18:53

For your relationship to go anywhere you have to be able to talk, and properly talk about everything when both sober.
Raise it with him. Share how you feel and go from there.
It wouldn’t be a deal breaker from me, I’d turn it into a joke, but I would want to work on our communication because I’d be sad he hadn’t brought this up before.

DeeCeeCherry · 18/01/2021 18:54

At least he's honest, even if it was after he'd had a drink. He's said what some people think, but don't say. I think he sounds ok actually.

even though he didn’t like me that much more after our second date he thought I was a really good kisser and so decided to keep seeing me. He said he now realised I was just shy and that actually I’m really lovely and the least stuck up person ever

Sounds fine. Unless you feel he should have lied to spare your feelings I suppose.

Can't see it's anything to brood over but if you're already upset + making a post about a new man then maybe he's not for you.

ComtesseDeSpair · 18/01/2021 18:55

There are some things that it’s best to keep inside your head rather than say out loud, and this is definitely in that category.

I’d feel a bit hurt but I don’t think I’d dwell too much on it. First dates aren’t always spectacular; in fact, most of the time they’re not - you’re meeting a stranger, you’re probably nervous, you’re probably feeling a bit shy, you’re doing all the things you hope will make them like you. You’re really not at your best and if that comes through a bit and the other person notices, that’s normal. I think how he felt after your first date was honestly how many people who later go on to have a relationship feel after their first date; and “there was somebody else I clicked better with” is probably a pretty common reason for not getting a second date. For all the stories you read, most relationships don’t start out as “from the very first time we met I knew we’d be together.”

Buzzer3555 · 18/01/2021 18:57

You are not being daft - I too would find that hurtful. However he was a bit pissed and did make it clear that he thinks you are great so I would move on. As PP said he was a bit clumsy.

BubblyBarbara · 18/01/2021 18:57

it probably won't be the last idiot too truthful call you get.

If I had to pick between someone who sometimes said a little too much truth and sometimes a few too many lies, I would pick the former every time

Inpeace · 18/01/2021 18:59

If thats him being a soppy drunk he’s not very good at it!

Palavah · 18/01/2021 19:00

Almost every romantic film is based on at least one of the protagonists not liking the other when they first met.

I can understand you'd have some feelings about it but the point is he's telling you how glad he is to be with you now.

ComtesseDeSpair · 18/01/2021 19:00

Honestly, I didn’t think I’d bother with a second date with DP. I didn’t think we had much in common. But he asked me out for a second date as we were saying goodbye on the first, and I wasn’t quick-witted enough to come up with a reason to decline, so I said yes. I told him this and he said he wasn’t sure about me, either, but he wasn’t doing much the following week and I seemed nice enough and he wanted to be polite and gentlemanly by making the offer And here we are.

pog100 · 18/01/2021 19:01

very clumsy but actually not so bad a start to a relationship really. The sort of think you might look back on in 20 years and rip the piss out of him ;-)

Sendhelpplease · 18/01/2021 19:01

I’d be upset but let it go if everything else is going well.

Offside · 18/01/2021 19:01

Not sure what’s so wrong with that? He’s with you isn’t he? When I met my DH I refused to give him my number as I wasn’t interested, we then ended up in a situation where we were stuck in the same pub for a while and he basically followed me to get my number, I genuinely thought I’d given him the wrong number (on purpose) but being drunk I have him the right one. Nearly 10 years later we’re married and have a beautiful daughter and have laughed with friends about that first night 🤷🏻‍♀️ Sounds like you have a few insecurities that maybe this has brought to the surface?

Limegreentangerine · 18/01/2021 19:05

If it makes you feel better my dear wife called me a see you next Tuesday and I threw a kebab at her when we first met
Happily married now with a baby on the way!

bluecheesefan · 18/01/2021 19:06

Some things are better left unsaid, and he's got foot-in-mouth disease I can see why it has upset you. I bet he's kicking himself.

Give him a chance to redeem himself and take it from there.

pumpkinpie01 · 18/01/2021 19:08

He could have kept it to himself but obviously didn't realise it would upset you. You can't really get to know someone that well after a first date so opinions are going to be formed. I think I would feel a bit aggrieved about it but then pleased that he had got in touch again . As you get on really well don't let his drunk honesty spoil things .

4Mongrels · 18/01/2021 19:11

My husband would possibly have said the same about me. Either that or I talked shit which I have a tendency to do when I’m nervous.

I’d rather not know but it wouldn’t be something I wouldn’t be able to get over and probably laugh/make jokes about at some point.

BestOption · 18/01/2021 19:16

I can understand you feeling hurt that he didn't immediately see how lovely you are snd that you thought he had.

Telling you about the other woman was incredibly tactless, but if not being tactful when drunk is a crime, I'm sure most of us have been guilty at one time or another.

He's told you how wrong he was, he's told you he's glad he found you after not thinking he'd find anyone after his divorce and how much he likes you...

It all sounds very genuine & honest, I'd far rather that, than some smooth talking twat who gets all the words right, but whose feelings are superficial

Original poster

Fuckety · 18/01/2021 19:17

Thanks for advice. I know I’m being a bit dramatic, I just felt really sad that he didn’t think we had the connection that I thought we did. I am a very good kisser though so that’s a consolation, I guess .

I’m sure I’ll laugh about it and I would definitely prefer someone who told the truth (even if it’s a bit blunt!) over someone who just told me what they thought I wanted to hear.

OP posts:

DeeCeeCherry · 18/01/2021 19:24

I know I’m being a bit dramatic, I just felt really sad that he didn’t think we had the connection that I thought we did

He isn't you. & He won't necessarily think the same as you.

I really liked DP when I 1st met him. On our 1st & 2nd dates I thought he was ok to pass time with, but no way long-term
Almost 7 years later here we are, together and still happy.

Now if someone asked me was it a great connection from the start, if I said 'Yes' I'd be lying. Your man got a bit drunk so his tongue was loose. It happens.

Smallonesaremorejuicy · 18/01/2021 19:47

TBH he sounds nice , I’d rather him than a slick liar any day of the week .

Aminuts23 · 18/01/2021 19:52

I wouldn’t dwell on it OP. It’s actually quite funny in some respects. Just ask him not to make any more half romantic half bonkers declarations when he’s pissed

Changemaname1 · 18/01/2021 20:03

Don’t dwell on it .
Your seeing it through the eyes of 7 months down the line I think rather than were you were at after one date .

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