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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How upsetting would you find this?

44 replies

Fuckety · 18/01/2021 18:42

I’ve been seeing a man for the last 7 months. It’s the first relationship I’ve been in since my marriage broke down. I really, really like him and I think our relationship is going fantastically. We have amazing chemistry, just have a real laugh all the time and the sex is amazing.

We were having a videocall chat last night. He’d just done a group call with some of his uni mates and had obviously had a drink. I’ve seen him tipsy before, we often share a bottle of wine when we’re together but I’ve never seen him properly drunk like he was last night. Anyway he was chatting away saying how much he liked me, that he never thought he’d meet anyone else after his divorce and he can’t believe he nearly fucked me off. I asked him what he meant and he said that he wasn’t interested in me after our first date - that I seemed really stuck up and hadn’t made an effort at all. Then another woman that he had been chatting to decided not to meet up with him so he thought he would call me after all. Then he was really glad he did because even though he didn’t like me that much more after our second date he thought I was a really good kisser and so decided to keep seeing me. He said he now realised I was just shy and that actually I’m really lovely and the least stuck up person ever, I just gave off that wrong impression.

I felt myself getting upset so I said that I was tired and hung up. I feel like such an idiot, I thought we had a really good connection from our first date. He’s messaged me a couple of times today apologising if he was drunk and being an idiot last night, I don’t think he remembers what he actually said.

Am I being daft to feel so upset about this?

OP posts:

mistermagpie · 18/01/2021 20:07

I think he's put it badly but the actual point of what he said is ok.

I knew my DH through work for years before we got together. He can remember the first time we met and said he fancied me straight away, but I literally didn't give him even a passing thought and don't even remember it. I never thought twice about him in the five years or so we worked together until he helped me with an 'out of work' thing and I treatises how nice he was. If pushed, I would say I thought he was a bit weird! He knows all this and just finds it funny, it certainly doesn't matter to our relationship which is amazing!

So I think it's ok what he meant, but he put it in a bit of a clumsy way. It's totally fine to raise it with him, I would. I'd say 'listen, I was a bit hurt by what you said the other night, can we talk about it properly now you're sober?' and take it from there.

It doesn't mean anything though really, some people make a terrible first impression and others don't. My first husband was wonderful at our first meeting and turned out to be AWFUL. Better the other way round I say!

Cam2020 · 18/01/2021 20:10

I think I'd feel a bit upset too, but the reality is, people take some getting to know. Why do you think Pride and Prejudice is such a popular book? He was telling you how much he likes you and how off his early impression of you was. The other woman standing him up is not exactly flattering either, but how many of us have sliding doors moments?

Dery · 18/01/2021 20:13

As PP have said - nothing to worry about here! It was clumsy but so what if he didn’t think there was such a connection on date 1? He got on board very quickly and things are clearly great now - and he was just confirming how pleased he is that he did that. I would rather have a man who says something like this from time to time than some silver-tongued devil who never says the wrong thing. I’m pretty sure you can trust this guy. Have a giggle about it and move on.

nevernotstruggling · 18/01/2021 20:15

I only went out with my dp because my mate at work made me - based on the fact he has a current dbs check. He knows that I've told him. Was the best ever 1st date and we are really happy.

Also I get 'I thought you were really stuck up when I 1st met you' all the time on dates at work socially etc. IMO I think it means we're not fake 😆

Original poster

Fuckety · 18/01/2021 20:15

Thanks. I can see the funny side, I guess. I’m still a bit disappointed he didn’t like me to start with, I want to be able to go back in time and tell him that he’s wrong and I’m actually fucking adorable.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fuckety · 18/01/2021 20:17

nevernotstruggling having done internet dating for a while, I’d say having a current DBS check is better than most of the other available men out there

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 18/01/2021 20:19

@Fuckety

Yeah but he knows you're fucking adorable any way.

You might want to modify a "how did you meet" if you have kids but beyond that it's embarrassing and a bit painful but fine

Thingsdogetbetter · 18/01/2021 20:39

After finally getting together with my on off fwb of 10 years, I said I love you after a year. He replied "I'm fond of you." Now that's insulting. 😁 Now married and happy. Not every happy relationship starts with a mutual bang. A whimper that grows is fine!

ComtesseDeSpair · 18/01/2021 20:50

You might want to modify a "how did you meet" if you have kids but beyond that it's embarrassing and a bit painful but fine.

A couple of Christmases ago, my brothers and I asked our parents how they met and got together, expecting a lovely story. My mum told us that they’d met at a nightclub and she’d actually been seeing two other men at the time and trying to work out which she liked best; then my dad came along and he had a car whereas the other men didn’t, and she thought it would be handy to date a man with a car.

Turns out our dad was definitely not aware of the two other men

This was hands down the best “how did you meet” we could have hoped for. The principle mystery, though, is how anyone could have several choices and end up picking my dad His car must have been amazing.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/01/2021 21:25

@ComtesseDeSpair aww you're poor Dad 😂😂😂😂

nevernotstruggling · 18/01/2021 21:30

@Fuckety

nevernotstruggling having done internet dating for a while, I’d say having a current DBS check is better than most of the other available men out there

I know...my mate had a solid point

Bolshybun · 18/01/2021 21:35

My dad said his first impressions of my mum was that she was stuck up, she was just more reserved. They’ve been married 44 years now and often joke about it. Your OH was definitely clumsy with his words for sure, and maybe was a little brutally honest. I’d explain it upset you a bit but if everything else is ok then I wouldn’t be cutting him off just yet.

Figgyboa · 18/01/2021 21:39

I don't see anything wrong with what he said. He's with you and happy, who cares if he doesn't view the first date the same as you.

Artinsurance · 18/01/2021 21:40

I dumped my DP after 3 dates because I didn’t think it would work out. I was leaving our date to drive 4 hours and he asked me to call and let him know I got there safely. It sort of continued from there. That was 7 years ago...

Don’t overthink it

livefornaps · 18/01/2021 21:43

I would tell him that you almost fucked him off the minute you saw him naked because he's got a sad booze gut from all those sessions guzzling back the booze

billy1966 · 18/01/2021 21:57

OP,
I can understand you being a bit taken aback by his unfiltered confession.

He sounds a bit tactless, particularly about the other woman.

I would give him another chance but there isn't anything wrong with referencing his frank story telling!

gannett · 18/01/2021 21:57

I genuinely think that's rather lovely and a sweet anecdote - you'll enjoy laughing about it if you last another 10 years with this guy OP!

gannett · 18/01/2021 22:00

Also it doesn't surprise me at all that people are found to be "stuck up" on the first date. A situation when we're tense, probably quite shy, trying to be "cool", and naturally quite guarded with a stranger? I'm surprised anyone doesn't come off as stuck up!

Ideasplease322 · 18/01/2021 22:12

Oh my god that’s so funny😂😂. How did you keep a straight face.

Most people will confess to mixed feelings at the start of a relationship. He just got pissed and said it.

Make for a great wedding speech if you get that far.

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