Is this a good enough reason?

[flowers08]

I have not long been seeing someone and one of our mutual friends recently let slip that he has a 4 year old daughter who he has no contact with. She lives in the same town as we do.

When I asked him, he said daughter was a result of a one night stand. He said when the mother told him, he went off and thought about it for a bit but ultimately decided that he was not going to have anything to do with the child. He said it is not his proudest moment but he stands by his decision. Maybe not my business but I was thinking me and him had a future so I did ask, why? What made you make that decision? And he said, he was having a good time being fairly young (early 20s) and he didn't know the mum that well and didn't want to be with her. The thing is, he has expressed to me that he would like children in the future, marriage etc. (before I found out about his daughter). This has obviously made me question his morals and I can't get it out of my head that this young girl is growing up without her father and she lives in the same town. It has made me look at him in a totally different way now.

Is the fact she was the result of a one night stand honestly a good enough reason? It doesn't feel like it to me - I think if you make your bed you lie in it. I haven't said this to him directly (yet) but as an adult surely you know this could be the outcome? And how could I ever think about having children with someone who can so easily blank out the fact they already have an existing child?

[GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom]

He's a shit and totally unrepentant. Dump and tell him why.

[Plussizejumpsuit]

@Shelby2010
It’s not a mistake he made when he was young, it’s a decision he re-makes every day of his life.

Yes this completly

[harknesswitch]

I think that men (in the main) make decisions in their 20s that they can't take back. I know of two men, who like your friend, have children, as a result of a short relationship or ons, they also have no contact with the child.

Both are in their 40s/50s now and family men, good people. Both have said that the decision was made, at the time it was selfish and immature however the child is now at an age where it would be unfair on them to seek them out, so they carry on as is. I'm not saying it's right and it does show what type of character they were, but i don't think it means they will always be a shitbag.

[GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom]

@harknesswitch

I think that men (in the main) make decisions in their 20s that they can't take back. I know of two men, who like your friend, have children, as a result of a short relationship or ons, they also have no contact with the child.

Both are in their 40s/50s now and family men, good people. Both have said that the decision was made, at the time it was selfish and immature however the child is now at an age where it would be unfair on them to seek them out, so they carry on as is. I'm not saying it's right and it does show what type of character they were, but i don't think it means they will always be a shitbag.

Have they contacted the mothers to get a steer on whether or not their children would like to know them now? And how much thought have they given to just how very selfish it was and what it meant to abandon them completely?

[MaintainTheMolehill]

Its refreshing to hear that you would walk away from this 'man' because of this as I know women who have made excuses and stayed.

Poor child will always think she wasn't good enough to be part of her fathers life.

[StrawBeretMoose]

@harknesswitch

I think that men (in the main) make decisions in their 20s that they can't take back. I know of two men, who like your friend, have children, as a result of a short relationship or ons, they also have no contact with the child.

Both are in their 40s/50s now and family men, good people. Both have said that the decision was made, at the time it was selfish and immature however the child is now at an age where it would be unfair on them to seek them out, so they carry on as is. I'm not saying it's right and it does show what type of character they were, but i don't think it means they will always be a shitbag.

Or maybe they just don't want to rock their happy family boat? To pretend they think it would be unfair on the grown up child is even more of a weasel move.
I'd lose all respect for my dad if he'd known he had another child and ignored her, and my mum too if she knew about it.

[Bluntness100]

I think it’s one thing to make the decision at the time. But to continue to ignore snd not support yout own child, for me, is heinous. It’s a selfish selfish, cold act.

I also couldn’t be with someone who did this. He is being honest. He made the decision on what he felt was best for him. The little girl was irrelevant in that and continues to be. He felt it was best he wasn’t encumbered by fatherhood snd didn’t have to shell out, snd now this little girl is growing up and will realise what a selfish piece of shit her biological father is.

Hopefully her mother is raising her well and she has good male role models in her life. It will damage her knowing what she came from, but hopefully that is being mitigated against.

[Bluntness100]

I think that men (in the main) make decisions in their 20s that they can't take back. I know of two men, who like your friend, have children, as a result of a short relationship or ons, they also have no contact with the child. Both are in their 40s/50s now and family men, good people. Both have said that the decision was made, at the time it was selfish and immature however the child is now at an age where it would be unfair on them to seek them out, so they carry on as is. I'm not saying it's right and it does show what type of character they were, but i don't think it means they will always be a shitbag

It makes them even more of a shit bag. Unfair on the child my arse.

[Godimabitch]

I could never respect a man who chose not to be in his childs life. I certainly couldn't stand the shame of being in a relationship with him and would never have children with him. You'll be a single parent when he decides he doesn't fancy being a dad anymore.

[dontdisturbmenow]

Do you feel the same of young women who make a mistake too but get to move on and forget about it by opting to abort?

This happens every day mistakes that are being dealt with by erasing the error rather than deal with it and face responsibility.

I'm not against abortion at all, but there is massive double standard here. A woman who has a child by accident to a man who makes it very clear he doesn't want anything to do with it is as responsible for the outcome of bringing a child up without a father as the guy us by deciding to go ahead with the pregnancy against his wishes.

[Chamomileteaplease]

Maybe the woman didn't want this man in her life or her child's life.

How many times do we read on here the absolute misery that some men inflict on their ex partners and their poor children stuck in the middle? And read the powerlessness of the position of the mother?

I am inclined to think that if I got pregnant from a one night stand with someone I didn't particularly like, there is no way I would want that person having a say in how I brought up my child. I would get on with it alone.

[readingismycardio]

You gotta be shitting me. He should AT THE VERY LEAST pay maintenance. Who would ever want to be with such a loser? Cut your losses and run! This is extremely bad.

[SnoozyLou]

He did everything have to be in a relationship with the mother, just support her. I'd ditch him. I think you've got to be a certain kind of person to do something like that.

[SnoozyLou]

I do understand that but my position on that is he should of taken precautions if he was that against being a father. he didnt, he has admitted it was unprotected

What a bastard.

[BonnieDundee]

If you fall pregnant and he doesn't want your child you know he'll not be seen for dust.

I'm a bit concerned that you feel you need to give him a reason (that he approves of) for.breaking it off with him. You dont. Just tell him it's over. You dont need to give a reason

[SnoozyLou]

And I think it's a fairly safe assumption he hasn't paid her mother any maintenance. I definitely think you've done the right thing, OP. As other posters have said, what he did to her mother, he could do to you if things don't work out in your relationship.

I like the way he tries to justify it with it being the right thing for him. How reassuring! And the fact that you heard it from a third party. I couldn't trust him at all after that.

[dontdisturbmenow]

I think it's rubbish that he didn't take a bit more responsibility in that moment
Of course he should have as all those who get pregnant when not in any contraception and get an abortion.

It's as rubbish. Yet, this seems to be accepted as when of those things. When it's the man, he is vilified and considered a pariah.

Would you judge a female friend pregnant after a one night stand who didn't use protection? I bet not.

[SnoozyLou]

@dontdisturbmenow What, and just left the father to raise the child? Yes, I think most people would judge!

Becoming pregnant is a fairly foreseeable outcome of having sex without taking any precautions whatsoever. It wasn't an accident, but sheer stupidity.

What a bizarre post.

[donquixotedelamancha]

Yet, this seems to be accepted as when of those things. When it's the man, he is vilified and considered a pariah.

What? A woman who abondons her kids would be traduced whereas it's common and largely accepted for men to do it.

[Babyboomtastic]

I do find it odd, that a moment of stupidity in forgetting protection results in 3 opportunities (I'm including adoption here as it avoids the woman having any financial obligations) for a woman to avoid motherhood and zero for a man.

Obviously that's down to biology primarily, but a woman having an abortion after an unprotected one is rarely vilified in the same way as a man who at the same point realises he doesn't want to be a father.

But I think abandoning a child is pretty rubbish, and I wouldn't want to be with someone who thought that was ok.

[dontdisturbmenow]

What? A woman who abondons her kids would be traduced whereas it's common and largely accepted for men to do it
Not vilified for abandoning a child, vilified for not using protection, which clearly if the woman got pregnant, in all likelihood, neither did she.

And I wonder how many if those women, who opted for an abortion because they didn't want the child, would also walk away if the abortion wasn't an option.

Going by history, many.

[anothermansmother]

Get rid now, I don't think he would have told you and you've only found out as a result of someone else.

[Inpersuitofhappiness]

Fuck no.
One thing I've learned in life is to judge a man by how he takes his responsibilities as a father. Having been let down by men mor much of my life, I've realised that generally, how a man treats his children and the responsibilities that children bring, does tend to run into other aspects of their lives.

This started out with my own father, my daughters biological father, and since I've met a lot of men who have kids they don't see, usually for work, often they're the same ones who bail on their responsibilities at work too.

I wouldn't give this man a second of my time.

[flowers08]

@dontdisturbmenow I think we all have a responsibility for our fertility, man or woman. it's not a secret how babies are made.

also, I think the fact he said he wants children is what was highlighted for me - not sure how you can say that and not acknowledge the fact you already have one.

whether you agree or not, I cant help the fact that it has put me off, like I can imagine most would be.

just to clear a few things up, I also spoke to mutual friend today. they dont know loads but the reason they are aware of the situation is because the mum is somehow related to them, I think through marriage they were saying. apparently, quite a few people do know though because the mum didnt keep quiet and I can't say I blame her.

I'm okay with the decision though. if I'm honest, there was something I couldnt quite put my finger on now I think about it - he was just such a charmer and a good talker, I'm not shocked there was a catch in the end.

[ZorbaTheHoarder]

@changedmynamelol

Don't feel sorry for the little girl when you don't know her or her situation. She may not have a bio dad in her life but maybe her mum had a dh/ dp so she may have a good dad in her life anyway.
Also if the bio dad has never actually wanted to be involved or even met her once in 4 years then he doesn't sound like he would make a decent dad ever and has done the girl a favour. Hopefully the mum has has taken legal action reg support though.

Did you really mean to say "Don't feel sorry for the little girl when you don't know her or her situation?"

Don't you think she is going to know that she has a father somewhere out there, who can't be bothered to acknowledge her existence?

Don't you think that's pretty cruel?