Is this a good enough reason?

[flowers08]

I have not long been seeing someone and one of our mutual friends recently let slip that he has a 4 year old daughter who he has no contact with. She lives in the same town as we do.

When I asked him, he said daughter was a result of a one night stand. He said when the mother told him, he went off and thought about it for a bit but ultimately decided that he was not going to have anything to do with the child. He said it is not his proudest moment but he stands by his decision. Maybe not my business but I was thinking me and him had a future so I did ask, why? What made you make that decision? And he said, he was having a good time being fairly young (early 20s) and he didn't know the mum that well and didn't want to be with her. The thing is, he has expressed to me that he would like children in the future, marriage etc. (before I found out about his daughter). This has obviously made me question his morals and I can't get it out of my head that this young girl is growing up without her father and she lives in the same town. It has made me look at him in a totally different way now.

Is the fact she was the result of a one night stand honestly a good enough reason? It doesn't feel like it to me - I think if you make your bed you lie in it. I haven't said this to him directly (yet) but as an adult surely you know this could be the outcome? And how could I ever think about having children with someone who can so easily blank out the fact they already have an existing child?

[Carandi]

This man wasn't "forced to have a child". If he didn't want a child at the time then he should have put something on the end of it to make sure it didn't happen, not hope for the best and maybe expect the woman to terminate if you're unlucky. I think his attitude is disgraceful and if it was me I'd bin him.

[flowers08]

@Connelloni I haven't considered having children with him at all, the mention of having children was in relation to him making the comment about wanting them in the future, I was just mind blown that someone can completely ignore the fact they already have a child and make this comment with a straight face

[Connelloni]

Well, quite. I think you should be thankful you’ve found out what he’s really like at this early stage and get out now.

[MondeoFan]

Ewwwww no. That'd totally make me view him in a different light. I get he didn't want to be with the woman but what about his poor daughter. Some men do it to get out of the responsibility therefore it means he isn't a responsible person and you can get your bottom dollar he doesn't pay child maintenance which is another red flag.

[HorseOfPhillipMoss]

He's telling you who he is, listen

[VettiyaIruken]

I wouldn't proceed.
It tells you something very important about his character.

[Zanina]

Karma will eventually get to him for abandoning his own flesh and blood. No good will come of it until he resolves this. I would recommend avoiding a future with him. If a man can abandon his own child, then he will not show loyalty to anyone else but himself.

[AintPageantMaterial]

And crucially, he didn’t just take a decision not to have anything to do with his child. He seems to have taken no financial responsibility either. And if he took those decisions while young, selfish and immature, he could still change his decision and step up. Every single day that man gets up and goes about his day without acknowledging or paying for his child. That’s not one decision. That’s a daily decision to be a feckless, selfish person. He is not a decent man.

[DM1209]

No, he is wrong.

One night stand or not, protection or not, if he's having sex then pregnancy can happen and he should be ready to stand by the consequences of that.

Even if not in the childs life then at least by supporting her financially which you haven't mentioned.

His moral compass is shit.

[NoOneOwnsTheRainbow]

he said, he was having a good time being fairly young (early 20s)
And yet that was only 4 years ago.

[pooopypants]

He sounds like a careless waster. I wouldn't give him another minute. How any person can say, with a straight face and no emotion, that they have a child but want nothing to do with them, is beyond me.




He doesn't care for a person he helped to create - what makes you think he'll give a shiny shit about you?

[Santaiscovidfree]

My ex walked away from our planned dd when she was 2. Ten years later he was married with another dd. He paid Cms to me but nc and no plans to. Although when he saw dd at 21 he lied and said he had looked for her. His dw was apparently nice and his dd was well parented (my dd's account) he made zero effort to form any sort of relationship with our dd and she ended their meet ups. He accepted that. In your case I think he has genuinely accepted in his mind he isn't a df. Not to say he won't want to be in the future. Doesn't make him the devil imo. His ex chose to have the dc, no law says he had to be df. Better nc than a flakey df.. Lots of dc suffer more from an in /out parent..

[C152]

I think it's fair enough not wanting to be with the child's mother. And, if he didn't want children, it's also understandable that he wouldn't want to build a relationship with this child, however sad it may be for the child.

However, I would expect him to help financially support his child (which, let's face it, is a pittance if he does the bare minimum required).

I'd be re-thinking a long-term relationship with this man. He might have just been immature and now has grown up...or not...

[flowers08]

It is really not helped by the fact that my relationship with my own dad is quite bad. I just feel really disappointed. I am not sure if he has been involved financially - I really hope so, for the mum and child's sake.

Not to drip feed but my cousins dad was no contact with her and he has other kids - she had a really hard time accepting this when she was older and I think that's why I keep thinking about the little girl. I just think I wonder how this will affect her and then feel angry at him for just thinking about how he felt.

[flowers08]

@C152 I think it's the unprotected sex side of it that I struggle with, if contraception had gone wrong then possibly a little bit more of an argument he could use but I think it's rubbish that he didn't take a bit more responsibility in that moment.

[Grooticle]

Yeah there’s no way I would stay with somebody like that. If he can do that once, he can do it again. If you did end up married with children and then the relationship ended, he’d ignore your kids as well.

[1Morewineplease]

@RunningFromInsanity

This is difficult for me because I don’t want to be a mum. Not at all. If I got pregnant I would (and have) terminate without hesitation.

If that decision was taken out of my hands? If I was forced to have a child? I would resent being forced to interact with it.
I think men are in the same position.

An excellent post.

[PaigeMatthews]

[quote flowers08]@C152 I think it's the unprotected sex side of it that I struggle with, if contraception had gone wrong then possibly a little bit more of an argument he could use but I think it's rubbish that he didn't take a bit more responsibility in that moment.[/quote]
This is crucial. He was completely involved in choosing unprptected sex but ignored the consequences and abandoned someone else to deal with them. And continues everyday to do the same.

[PaigeMatthews]

An excellent post.
Really? do you actually think it is the same?

[user1174147897]

He is one of those people that can come across real charming and can get around you by acting the victim

I would already have ditched him for this. He's just going to bring sorrow into your life.

[Higgeldypiggeldy35]

When you have sex there's always a chance that a baby could be a result. Did he even use protection on this one night stand? Either way, doesn't say much about his sense of responsibility, he has no guilt, he could do the same to you. Bullet dodged in my opinion

[LadyMonicaBaddingham]

That's more than a red flag. That's a red carpet leading to the exit...

[Cheesyblasters]

Id echo all the sentiments on here.
A good friend of mine had a child in his early/mid twenties, one night stand with a friend of a friend. They were too pissed to even really remember whether they'd used contraception. They had to wait until the child was born to do a DNA test to be sure.

My friend was a bit of a jack the lad and he was white as as sheet when he told me about the pregnancy. To his credit though, once he got his head around it, he worked on a friendship with this woman, supported her to appointments on the basis that he might be dad so it was his place to, and he helped her financially. When baby arrived he saw the baby and when the test came through he really stepped up. He moved house (renting) to live nearby so he could pop in little and often to see the child until they were old enough & mum was comfortable enough to let him have her on his own. He studied for a career change so that he could do a job that allowed for more flexibility to do childcare so he could have her in the holidays. Once she was at high school he moved back to his home area and had her EOW.

I never would have expected that from him given his rep before it happened but his view was that the mum had no choice (actually didn't realise she was pregnant until quite late on, so that took away some of the decision making) and that the baby was both their responsibility.
I remember asking him what he'd do if he found out the baby wasn't his (esp as he was helping with money, and he wasn't earning much back then) and his view was that he'd rather pay them be supported and be disappointed later then not pay and realise he'd not helped.

He never saw himself as having kids or settling down, but she's a huge part of his life and it's lovely. He's had serious relationships since and he's always made it clear that he and his child come as a package. He's found it quite straightforward to co parent because there was never a relationship to break up from.

This guy has no excuses.

[Imelda03]

If he was so sure what he has done it’s the right thing and you’ve discussed children, I wonder why it took someone else to disclose this to you.

You’re absolutely right to be worried about this. He chose to have unprotected sex and chose to ignore the outcome and the responsibility that came with it. He didn’t need to have relationship with the woman, only his child, and the decision to ignore his child says a lot.

Im going to assume he hasn’t been providing financially but that’s me making assumptions because he sounds like an idiot.

Your reaction gives an insight to the empathy and character you have and I’d say you are opposite to this man in every way xxx

Leave him behind and go find a keeper :)

[Jellington]

I'd say ditch him. That would make me run a mile!