Is this a good enough reason?

[flowers08]

I have not long been seeing someone and one of our mutual friends recently let slip that he has a 4 year old daughter who he has no contact with. She lives in the same town as we do.

When I asked him, he said daughter was a result of a one night stand. He said when the mother told him, he went off and thought about it for a bit but ultimately decided that he was not going to have anything to do with the child. He said it is not his proudest moment but he stands by his decision. Maybe not my business but I was thinking me and him had a future so I did ask, why? What made you make that decision? And he said, he was having a good time being fairly young (early 20s) and he didn't know the mum that well and didn't want to be with her. The thing is, he has expressed to me that he would like children in the future, marriage etc. (before I found out about his daughter). This has obviously made me question his morals and I can't get it out of my head that this young girl is growing up without her father and she lives in the same town. It has made me look at him in a totally different way now.

Is the fact she was the result of a one night stand honestly a good enough reason? It doesn't feel like it to me - I think if you make your bed you lie in it. I haven't said this to him directly (yet) but as an adult surely you know this could be the outcome? And how could I ever think about having children with someone who can so easily blank out the fact they already have an existing child?

[flowers08]

@1Morewineplease we have already cleared up that post, he should of used protection if he was that against potentially being a father.

we have had a conversation, I was honest and said it has changed the way I see you in a big way. he said it was my choice and he understood that but that he hoped I would understand it was the right decision for him to make..

I think I am just going to back away, i dont think i can be true to myself and continue this, especially with his child living in the same town. I would feel so bad if we saw them out for example and he ignored her. just too much bad feeling now.

[PaigeMatthews]

I would understand it was the right decision for him to make
Very selfish attitude. Was it the right decision for the child? Did he care?

[LannieDuck]

Does he pay CMS?

[LuaDipa]

I think you have made the right decision and I think you know that there is no justification whatsoever for what he did.

This would be an absolute deal breaker for me. I try not to judge but there is something about men, and women for that matter but I have only ever encountered men who hace done this, walking away from their dc that brings out the rage in me. I struggle to understand how they live with themselves, more so when they have gone on to have other children. There is no reason and no excuse. As my dm says, only the lowest of the low would turn their back on their own.

[Darbs76]

I couldn’t be with him if I knew that.

[donquixotedelamancha]

Leaving aside the fact that he's clearly still a cunt and you deserve better, if we want a better society we have to exercise some choice about the people we tolerate in our lives.

I've had two very close friends who did this. The first one (groomsman at my wedding) is no longer a friend because he not only ceased contact but didn't pay maintenance. The second decided (after some tense chats between us when I found out he had a daughter) to see his daughter and now they have a great relationship.

I don't understand people who attack anyone with slightly unfashionable views but will tolerate behaviour which causes harm to children who are completely innocent in the situation.

[StrawBeretMoose]

[quote flowers08]@1Morewineplease we have already cleared up that post, he should of used protection if he was that against potentially being a father.

we have had a conversation, I was honest and said it has changed the way I see you in a big way. he said it was my choice and he understood that but that he hoped I would understand it was the right decision for him to make..

I think I am just going to back away, i dont think i can be true to myself and continue this, especially with his child living in the same town. I would feel so bad if we saw them out for example and he ignored her. just too much bad feeling now.[/quote]
OP please run away from this man, he sounds horrible, not even the grace to be embarrassed at being shown up to be a colossal dickhead he says it was the right decision for him, an adult who had a choice in the matter, compared to the child who had no choice in the matter.
If you want to meet someone worthwhile free yourself of this deadbeat.

@Santaiscovidfree just because he's convinced himself he's not a father doesn't mean he isn't.

@donquixotedelamancha you are so right about making active choices about the company we keep.

[Dalooah]

This mans behaviour is inexcusable. However, just paying devils advocate, is it possible that maybe his behaviour is a result of cultural issues- I can think of a few cultures/religions where it could be unacceptable to parent a child without being with the other parent or even trying.
Maybe he wasn't given the option/allowed to parent child without being being mum (I doubt this but anything is technically possible?) and he didn't want to fight it? Maybe the mum thought it might be easier for her to find a new partner if she wasn't having to deal with DDs dad?
It literally could be any number of things that he could be use to rationalise "his decision" (none of which I find acceptable).

[radioband]

I think if he stood up now and said he made a mistake choosing not to be in her life but he was young etc and tried in some way to make amends but the girls mum wouldn’t allow it then I’d be more understanding but he sounds like he has no regrets about it at all. If he has done it once he can do it again.

[user1471447924]

Yuck, get rid of him

[ZenNudist]

If ditch him but give him some food for thought first. Tell him it's selfish and cruel. He's made a life. He doesn't get to walk away from that. The fact it was a one night stand is no excuse at all and it's shown him to be an uncaring person with no sense of right and wrong. If he had any decency hed make an effort with his dd.

[HighSpecWhistle]

Big red flag. I couldn't respect him.

[Bluesrunthegame]

My biological father walked out on my mum when she was pregnant with me and apart from court appearances to do with child support, never saw her again. He paid maintenance for me until my step dad adopted me, so a couple of years. He would have made my mum, and thus me, very unhappy. I met him once, he was a nice guy but totally wrong for my mum, who is very happy with my stepdad, who was a good dad. I'm trying to say what he did was right at the time, he was too young and too quick-tempered then. He later met and married a lovely lady and they had 3 children and he was a devoted father. I don't excuse what he did or what the OP's boyfriend did, but being forced to be a parent when you're not ready surely makes everyone unhappy.

Someone upthread made the point about being forced to have a child. Women have a choice when they find they are pregnant, to continue with the pregnancy or not, to give the baby up for adoption or not. Men do not have that choice.

[screamingchild]

@RunningFromInsanity

This is difficult for me because I don’t want to be a mum. Not at all. If I got pregnant I would (and have) terminate without hesitation.

If that decision was taken out of my hands? If I was forced to have a child? I would resent being forced to interact with it.
I think men are in the same position.

He chose to cum inside her so he needs to take the responsibility that comes with it.

[MondeoFan]

@Cheesyblasters that's a good story. Nice to hear. Restores my faith in men a tiny bit

[whiteroseredrose]

@Bluesrunthegame that is my fear for my son.

I tell both of my DC that having a child with an idiot means that you're stuck with having contact with that idiot for the rest of your life. While my DD could choose to terminate a pregnancy my DS could not. It is very worrying.

[custardbear]

Sounds like he's put her mentally ina box. I'd be encouraging him to get involved to be honest whether you stay together or not.

I'd be a bit 👀 about having a relationship and kids but I did have an ex when I was early 20's who had a child when he was around 19/20 whom he didn't see, he went on to have 4 kids with his wife (not me!) and they've stayed together and the kids are grown up, parents still married

[londonmummy1234]

Yuck. Some man he is. RUN!

[theantsgomarchin]

[quote flowers08]@C152 I think it's the unprotected sex side of it that I struggle with, if contraception had gone wrong then possibly a little bit more of an argument he could use but I think it's rubbish that he didn't take a bit more responsibility in that moment.[/quote]
Personally I don't think whether he used any contraception or not bears much relevance in this situation. Regardless of the situation, he got someone pregnant and has chosen to effectively forget this child exists.

Even now, 6 years later, with the benefit of hindsight and the ability to accept that maybe he hasn't behaved brilliantly and right his wrongs, he still stands by his decision and doesn't see any issue with it. That, for me, is the biggest problem. His daughter is in the same town, he could start a relationship with her now - it's not too late. But he doesn't want to. Because she doesn't fit in with his idea of how he wants his life and family to be, and that doesn't sit well with me. He says he wants to be a father but he's had the opportunity to be one and has chosen to ignore it.

Run away. And quickly.

[theantsgomarchin]

• 4 years later (not 6, apologies)

[changedmynamelol]

Don't feel sorry for the little girl when you don't know her or her situation. She may not have a bio dad in her life but maybe her mum had a dh/ dp so she may have a good dad in her life anyway.
Also if the bio dad has never actually wanted to be involved or even met her once in 4 years then he doesn't sound like he would make a decent dad ever and has done the girl a favour. Hopefully the mum has has taken legal action reg support though.

[junebirthdaygirl]

It's funny that people in that town know he is the father although it was a one night stand. Has he no curiosity to see what his child is like? Is he actually seeing that child out and about and having no feelings. My ds fathered a child at 19. It wasn't a one night stand but the relationship didn't last. He completely..with our support..stepped up. In the beginning he was quite immature but earnest. Years have gone by and they have a lovely relationship. He always worked right through college to make sure he could support her. It has changed his life massively as he could never move abroad for instance something he always intended to do . But at the end of the day he has his beautiful dd so doesn't complain. I have to say that he has had to have a different life than his friends but then so did the dm who was young herself. In relationships now he is very upfront that they come as a package.

[junebirthdaygirl]

Just to add l know a young guy who only found out two years after a one night stand that that girl had a baby. He immediately wondered if the baby was his as the time scale rang alarm bells. She had never contacted him but he got in touch found out yes he was the father. He immediately stepped up to the mark and is a father to that child now in the full sense of the word. He just wanted to do it.
I would be concerned at the total lack of interest..the coldness.

[MrsSmith2021]

My parents both chose to have me yet my dad never saw me growing up and had more children with this new wife. He never had a good enough reason why, just stupid excuses. I couldn’t ever forgive him for it because he said he felt he did the right thing. Not for me he didn’t.

Anyway, I could never respect him, so we are NC. I understand why it’s made you look at this man differently. He’s a CF. Get rid and don’t waste your time on someone who even now can’t admit their mistakes. He could make contact at any time but actively chooses not to. Tosspot.

[Shelby2010]

It’s not a mistake he made when he was young, it’s a decision he re-makes every day of his life.

Also, if you did ever have children with this man, how would you tell them they had a half-sister? Or would he expect you to keep it a secret from them.