Question for anyone who was emotionally abused as a child

[whitechocolatehobnobs]

I am non contact with my parents and have been for years. I was emotionally and physically abused as a child and it's left me with lots of mental health issues that I will never recover from.

Did anyone else's parents constantly criticise their mood and accuse them of being in a bad mood/angry all the time but also hate it if you were happy? I honestly never knew how to actually act as I got in trouble for everything.

My parents always said, from a young age, that I was a misery (which if I was, was probably because of their lack of love and their abuse), and would always do impressions of my apparently miserable face. I would get accused all the time of being angry or being in a bad mood, or of pulling faces, when I was just being 'normal'.

On the other hand, I also got into trouble if I was too happy or had fun or enjoyed anything, or even laughed. I remember once we were on holiday abroad, I must have been about 5 or 6, and I made some friends on holiday and their dad was dancing with us all and I was having a lot of fun. After we got back to the hotel room I got in trouble for having too much fun and I got a smack for dancing and having fun with someone else's parent. I also got several smacks that same holiday for playing around the pool with a friend and her inflatable boat.

I just wondered if anyone had similar from parents and also if you find it hard in adult life knowing how to actually just 'be'? If that makes sense. I always feel like I have to be happy and over exaggerate being happy as I don't want people to think I'm a misery but then I think not being over the top happy all the time doesn't make me a misery?

12098s, interesting point that you only began to really recover in your 40s, my experience is similar. I remember the feeling of despair when I was younger that I could not seem to feel 'normal' not matter what I did. So I often gave up on jobs, courses friends at this time.

This time of year was the worst , winter from Xmas to february, cos it was being stuck at home in one room because of the cold that elevated our family tensions. Nowadays every year I do nothing at Xmas and am perfectly happy ! Old age is great!

Nobody who has not experienced that heavy feeling of heavy despair in their stomach can know how good just not feeling it is.

Yes, it is only now that I am mid forties that I am starting to turn a corner. I sometimes wonder what sort of person I might have been if I hadn't been on the receiving end of emotional and physical abuse. The main thing I've started to do is be kinder to myself...why has it taken this long to figure it all out, I often ask myself. I am waiting for more counselling to try and understand further, my estrangement from my mother. I did go and see my mother a few years later and thought it went relatively well but she has decided not to contact me. I read once, that holding onto bitterness is like drinking a cup of poison and waiting for the other person to die. It kind of rings true. I wanted to have peace (I felt extremely guilty, even though it was my mother who should have felt this). It was the right thing for me to do but I feel rejection all over again. The other thing I am unable to do, is piece together why my parents were/are like this...did something go wrong for them? I don't suppose I'll ever know now.

I can also relate to the face thing, it seems like quite a few of us had that. It’s so weird!

Mine’s special was to wait for a family outing, decide I was ‘in a mood’ for smiling, frowning, looking blank, talking, not talking - basically anything I did or didn’t do was enough. She would give me the silent treatment for my ‘mood’ all day, then punish me for ‘ruining’ the day for everyone. I feel anxious thinking about it.

Anyone else who had that - you didn’t deserve it, it is abuse, and it’s their problem. Your face is fine.

My face was consistently ignored and I was just given the silent treatment which seemed to become the norm as mother was frequently physically absent. And when my father was around, I always felt on edge (he could be physically abusive) and only seemed to notice the 'bad' things. I seem to remember being told to smile a lot when visiting people etc. Painfully shy, I never knew how to just be around people especially adults who I just found intimidating.

My upbringing was one of the reasons I felt compelled to become a sahm when my dcs came along. I think I fall into the category of the 'doing too much for their children' category/over protective'...which again, I think is attributed to my own upbringing

I’ve also tried my absolute hardest to not be like my mother and break the cycle and have a close relationship with my kids and I have utterly failed 😞 I’ve never been abusive or unkind to them ever, yet they have all quite happily cast me aside much like she did as they’ve gotten older. I mean very little to them.

@User547959475476

My face was consistently ignored and I was just given the silent treatment which seemed to become the norm as mother was frequently physically absent. And when my father was around, I always felt on edge (he could be physically abusive) and only seemed to notice the 'bad' things. I seem to remember being told to smile a lot when visiting people etc. Painfully shy, I never knew how to just be around people especially adults who I just found intimidating.

My upbringing was one of the reasons I felt compelled to become a sahm when my dcs came along. I think I fall into the category of the 'doing too much for their children' category/over protective'...which again, I think is attributed to my own upbringing

I can identify so much with this, although it was my brother who put us all on edge. I always felt everybody else knew how social stuff worked while I had no idea what was going on.

I could never look anyone in the eye and was consistently told I must do so by outsiders but in my family that would have been taken as hostility. That is probably why I could not get jobs, relationships etc. I have got so much better at it now but I am always conscious I am doing it and don't know when to look away. I also could not understand books where they talked about the 'look' in someone's eyes.

Never heard of the saying about a cup of bitterness . That's very good expresses so much of my family experience. Hope you are well.

@EddisonTortoise. Your experiences really resonate with me. How did you break the cycle with your kids? I have 2 dc as well and my most desperate wish is to break the cycle for them

Oh god, yes the terror of the random smacking, I feel like the anticipation was worse than anything.

Sallytheseal

I decided that I would do, what i called, Opposite Parenting.

In almost every situation, and certainly every challenging situation, I did the opposite to what my parents would have done.

Where they shouted; I listened.
Where they hit; i loved
Where they shamed; i showed empathy
Where they blamed; i apologised
Etc

I made sure that my children always had a safe space to share and express their feelings. Even when their behaviour wasn't ideal.

I am one of those MN parents who doesn't shout. Have i raised my voice in authority? Yes. Have I shouted in anger? Never.

My 22 year old son has just moved out. It was time but we are really close. He said that he knows he can share anything with me and he can trust my response/reaction. I make him feel safe.

He split up with a gf at the end of his first semester at university. She had become emotionally manipulative and repeatedly threatened suicide after he was offered the place and when he started. On NYs day, she sent him a message telling him she was pregnant. He was beside himself. I asked him how likely it was but other than that I listened. I listened to him shout and cry. I listened to him tell me everything from he wanted nothing to do with either of them to he wasn't going to abandon his child and his fears of how he would support them whilst at university. And I didn't say a word. And when he had finally claimed down, I hugged him and told him that, if it were true, he would be supporting the child and he would he a dad to the child and we had time to sort out the practicalities and we would manage because we are family and that's what families do. And I hugged him and told him I loved him and trusted him to do what was right. He told me afterwards that he knew he'd be able to tell me and I'd respond well. He also told me that he knew then he'd be able to tell me anything.

I've given his friends all sorts of advice in the past because his position was always, "I'll ask my mum. We can trust her." He didnt mean not to tell anyone - because I would if it were a safeguarding issue. He meant they could trust me to respond appropriately.

Anyway, she wasn't pregnant. She'd made it up.

@EddisonTortoise thank you so much for taking the time to type a response. I really need to work on listening calmly, I’m still really uncomfortable with negative emotions or situations. Well done on your lovely son, you must be so proud of him

I really am!

I think the key for me was understanding the difference between reacting and responding.

Reactions are about how you feel. Responses are about how they feel.

Deep breaths and taking 5 minutes away from the situation work wonders until it becomes natural.

Honestly, i did it all by myself. If I can, you can

My parents always reacted. They never responded.

I lived my life in fear and shame. I just didn't want that for my children.

I can relate to so much on this thread.
Told I was miserable, which I guess I was, but I didn't feel like it as such. Often told to 'cheer up or it might never happen'.

A lot of what was said to me, I'd try to do the opposite if that makes sense? So, an example:
I was told I was ugly, so I'd try and make myself 'not ugly'. My wonderful grandparents bought me a make up set, which I loved and it made me feel better - but then I was ridiculed for how stupid I then looked. Even as an adult I don't know how to 'look' or do makeup, and I do still feel ugly.

I have quite a neutral face now, it was the easiest way to get through things. Neither happy, nor miserable. Now I get told it's my resting bitch face

I can relate. I got into trouble when I was five for smiling on a bus. I found self reflection was a good start. What habits did I think might not be normal? This led me to want to rebuild my self esteem. I joined an online message board. And then went to therapy. It all helped. I'll try to post links later

My feelings about anything and everything were never valid according to my DM. She was perfect. She never praised me, hugged me, told me I was loved. She was always better than me and everyone.
I could have written this exact statement

I've read through every one of these posts and it's so reassuring to know I'm not the only one with parents like this. With me, it wasn't my face, more my weight. My dad telling me that I would be "really quite pretty" once I lost the weight, and hearing my mum and dad talk amongst themselves about it. To put things into context, I was 10 years old when they started this and not overweight in the slightest. I realise that now. Sadly, at the time, it sent me into a spiral of bulimia and restricting that lasted until my early twenties.

Too many other things to mention really. My parents were both alcoholics (my dad much worse than my mum, though she also had a wicked temper - I remember her kicking me in the stomach while I was curled up on the kitchen floor). My dad was much scarier though.

I'm NC with my dad since last year. I won't go into the details as any family reading could easily figure out it's me, and I can't be bothered with the drama. Despite being a "recovered alcoholic" he is still a textbook narcissist and just a very unpleasant person. I've looked up "dry drunks" before and he fits the description perfectly.

So many terrible memories - him forcing his way into my bedroom, pinning me to the floor and hitting me in the head because he had opened my mail and I'd spent some of the money I was earning at my job (I was about to go to uni); my little brother's tenth birthday party where my parents were drinking and started throwing plates at each other with all of those kids there! I had to arrange for the kids to go home then take my little brother upstairs, trying so hard to shield him from the foul things they were saying to each other. Hearing the appalling things my dad said to my mum - "you stupid woman" literally spat at her will stick with me forever. Trying to revise for my GCSEs with plate smashing and screaming matches downstairs. My dad throwing my mum down the stairs.

I could go on. Like others, I have nightmares still and shout a lot in my sleep - always at my parents or brothers! I'm not that loud in regular life but at night I tell everyone all about it, haha.

I have two young sons now and my DH is the sweetest, most amazing man alive. But STILL if I hear his voice even slightly raised or the boys have acted up, I get this awful cold terror run through me, as if I expect him to whack them. And when we disagree, I often physically flinch as I think my body still expects to be hit. Does anyone else get that? It's very annoying but I do understand where it comes from.

Aww thefurriesthen that's awful!!! So glad you went LC (was it?) with your father.

Anybody else sick of this stuff about "hugging" relatives ( Covid)
I have absolutley no wish to hug mine, I can assure you.

This thread has struck so many chords with my own childhood. My mother was emotionally absent, abusive and neglectful. No cuddles, no praise, the silent treatment for any misdemeanour. She was totally disinterested in my db and I. One disturbing memory I have is of hitting and shouting at my dolls and making them “cry” so I could cuddle them better. I must’ve been about 5 or 6? She would tell us how awful we were and threaten to tell various people about things we had said or done. We had to smile and never look miserable. I find it hard not to smile too much as I know it looks fake but old habits die hard. I find it hard to deal with authority figures, feel like a child again. When I had my dd it brought up a lot of emotions and I have been determined not to repeat my childhood with her. It has really helped me to move forward.

A lot of this thread resistances with me too.

I'm LC with my mother, we tried to sort things out at the end of last year and after many a heartfelt text from me, she replied with: that's the way she is, she's an introvert and not a "natural mother". None of which is true, there's a difference between not being a natural mother and one who is abusive and violent.
She never took us anywhere or did anything with us, I can't recall her ever playing with me. She stopping me doing a hobby on a Saturday morning as taking me there was "wasting her time". I felt embarrassed to have music on or play out loud in my room as I felt she would laugh at me.

My childhood was full of uncertainty. I used to get screamed at and smacked for using the wrong towel. Spilling milk when pouring a drink, I used to get so anxious my hands would shake and I would spill it more.
My mother would give me silent treatment for days on end, over minor issues and normal child behaviour. She wanted us to be emotionless and would ridicule me if I was upset or sad. She would lose it and scream, shout smack, take every toy out my bedroom and as I got older used to fuse my room so I couldn't use electrics.
The worst part for me was the silent treatment, I was crippled with anxiety for days on end, didn't want to leave my room for fear of having to see her. She would look straight through me like I wasn't there. I genuinely preferred being hit at least I knew what the result was.
It's strange to me because even now 30 years later she doesn't see what she did, she sees it as minor lapses in parenting and not chronic abuse.

@leavesleepingdogs

'I think I cried every single day from late primary school all the way through high school and beyond'

Ah, me too. I remember on my sixth birthday determining not to cry that day, because I had a superstition that crying on your birthday meant you'd cry every day of the following year. I told myself I was a big girl now and I wouldn't cry. I did, of course. And pretty much every day after.

Thank you to everyone on this thread for sharing your experiences, and resources/ideas for healing. I'm looking several of them up now.

@SummerRemembered
This has affected my relationship with DH in that I find it very difficult to talk about my feelings so I bottle things up until they explode. It's definitely affected me at work though were I am constantly told that I come across as cold and indifferent to people and situations. I hate this as it's absolutely not what I feel on the inside but I've had a lifetime of conditioning. When I try to convey emotions I feel like I'm playing a part and I can tell that it comes across as false to others which is even worse. - resonate with this SO much

I have exactly the same problem. I'm a naturally warm and empathetic (perhaps too empathetic) person but since I've been conditioned by parents not to show feelings i really struggle with this, especially at work where you're meant to be personable but not too 'familiar' as you would be with a close friend. I can't get my tone of voice right so I end up sounding false, and people often misread my expressions or demeanour as being aloof or angry. It's so frustrating because a lot of the people I see who are well liked at work, I can tell they're actually quite fake! I'm having voice coaching at the moment to try to deal with this.

Why did you cry all of the time?