Question for anyone who was emotionally abused as a child

[whitechocolatehobnobs]

I am non contact with my parents and have been for years. I was emotionally and physically abused as a child and it's left me with lots of mental health issues that I will never recover from.

Did anyone else's parents constantly criticise their mood and accuse them of being in a bad mood/angry all the time but also hate it if you were happy? I honestly never knew how to actually act as I got in trouble for everything.

My parents always said, from a young age, that I was a misery (which if I was, was probably because of their lack of love and their abuse), and would always do impressions of my apparently miserable face. I would get accused all the time of being angry or being in a bad mood, or of pulling faces, when I was just being 'normal'.

On the other hand, I also got into trouble if I was too happy or had fun or enjoyed anything, or even laughed. I remember once we were on holiday abroad, I must have been about 5 or 6, and I made some friends on holiday and their dad was dancing with us all and I was having a lot of fun. After we got back to the hotel room I got in trouble for having too much fun and I got a smack for dancing and having fun with someone else's parent. I also got several smacks that same holiday for playing around the pool with a friend and her inflatable boat.

I just wondered if anyone had similar from parents and also if you find it hard in adult life knowing how to actually just 'be'? If that makes sense. I always feel like I have to be happy and over exaggerate being happy as I don't want people to think I'm a misery but then I think not being over the top happy all the time doesn't make me a misery?

cateycloggs

Tbh, I havent got it in me to go through therapy again, either mentally, emotionally or financially, for it to only make a slight difference.

What causes me the most pain, if I'm honest, is not the reality. It's the hope that one day it could be different. If I could set that hope free, I know I would be much more content.

I had a big offload to the friend I'm in a support bubble with at the weekend. I told him stuff I've never told anyone, not just about the abuse as it happened, but about things I've experienced since because I didn't realise the impact of the abuse at the time or how it influenced 'choices' I made as a result, etc

I felt a genuine contentment afterwards that I've never felt before. My friendship with him isn't straightforward either. I make do with the best I can and keep the plates spinning to ensure my life appears 'normal' and functioning to others. When it's anything but.

It feels like its spiraling a bit at the moment but I think that's lockdown related more than anything.

I've done pretty well. I've got a child in their final year at university who is on course for a first and another who is predicted good grades in their GCSEs. I've managed to protect them from the most damaging aspects of my life and have broken the cycle with them.

I find it difficult when I'm home alone without them. I feel like I might implode when they've flown the nest.

Eddison and others - please look up Adult children of alcoholic AND dysfunctional families. It has helped me more than therapy. It is free and loads of the meetings are on line via zoom.
They have identified 14 common traits of adult children. Give it a look up.
It’s never ever to late to make changes in your lives.
You are not alone - sadly there are millions across the world who experience emotional physical and sexually abuse.
💐💐

@EddisonTortoise I know exactly what you mean about the hope. I felt like I was carrying that expectation of what our relationship should be like for years. It only stopped once my mum had died. It was such a relief. I’m not sure most people understand.

Whydidimarryhim

I did look them up before but it seemed very much based on faith in God.

OP, I can relate to this 100%, my parents' nickname for me was also Misery. I see from other posts on here that this was the go-to insult for abusive parents!

I was also smacked/hit often, I actually remember proudly telling an adult that I'd been very well behaved that day because I'd only been smacked once so far! I think I was about 5/6.

My parents were horribly abusive, hyper-critical, and actively discouraged/sabotaged anything that made me happy. They expected me to subvert all wants/needs of my own in favour of what they needed. Because of their behaviour, I think I cried every single day from late primary school all the way through high school and beyond. As a nickname, Misery was actually pretty apt.

As a result of that treatment, even in my thirties I find it almost impossible to know what I really do/don't enjoy. I have to work very hard to avoid relationships of all types with people who are abusive, dominating or narcissistic. The damage in me seems to perfectly fit the damage in them and so I find it easy to become friendly with those types very quickly.

I find it very hard to express emotion, I'm known as someone who basically has a 'poker-face' at all times because I realised at a young age how dangerous it was to show emotion.

What's interesting is that typically sad films/books etc don't get to me nearly as much as stories of people being unexpectedly nice and generous to each other. To this day I can shrug off an insult but someone going out of their way to do something nice completely devastates me because it's so foreign.

I will never be the bubbly, outgoing person in a group but I've made peace with my introversion. Introverts are just as important a part of a group as smiley extroverts.

I know what you mean about worrying others see you as miserable, but I have found the people that prompt that worry in me are people who have turned out to be narcs or at least emotional vampires. Once identified I make very firm boundaries and then those people tend to show themselves out.

My only advice is to find what makes yourself happy and avoid those that make you feel like you need to be something else. Goals I work on every single day.

I had similar and was also referred to as misery guts. I'm still a bit miserable now as I got in trouble for being happy or even slightly loud etc.
I have an absolute aversion to noise now and detest the sounds of kids playing and being happy. I find myself worrying every time my baby makes any sort of noise in case it annoys someone.
I have no idea how to act normally and find it almost impossible to make friends.

leavesleepingdogs

Gosh, that description could have been about me.

Almost every word

I also grew up in an emotionally abusive family. When I was 7, my mother told me that she’d only had me to “fix” her marriage & that I hadn’t even managed to do that because I was so useless. She divorced my father and went on to bully my stepfather who was a kind man totally lacking in self confidence. I was criticised and belittled at every turn and very much “controlled” by her until 15 years ago, I finally went no contact. It was the best decision I ever made but my upbringing has definitely left me deeply scarred. I’ve brought my own children up very differently to how I was brought up and they’ve turned out as confident people. My mother is almost 80 now and I have no intention of ever seeing her again.

I was born late 60's, attitudes to parenting was very different then. In some ways it built more resilient adults but also insecure and emotionally hardend. I went to boarding school, I hated it, I just wanted to be with my mum. I remember on a weekend home leave, sat on mums lap crying because I didn't want to go back, my mother pushing me away and telling me "don't turn on the waterworks". To this day, with all her reasons, she doesn't get how desperate I was and the damage it did to my trust of human beings and ability to love. I know it sounds dramatic but it was for me as a little girl. I can't deal with parents of boarders now, as a parent, its inhumane.

OMG @leavesleepingdogs I have that same emotion if people are kind to each other and I have wondered why I was like that! This thread is such an eye opener for me!

@EddisonTortoise That makes me so sad, I'm sorry you also had to go through such awful experiences.

I'm finding it strangely comforting to know that there are people out there who can relate to what I thought at the time was a completely unique experience. Definitely makes me feel less alone

Hi OP.

I'm really sorry to read your story. What jumped out at me especially was how the problems of the family were all heaped on your head. How on earth were you supposed to be happy amidst emotional and physical abuse??

And then being smacked for actually having a rare nice time??

It's unfair and actually a very common thing I think,where what's actually going on is not discussed, but is instead lied about and twisted and suddenly you're the problem. Its classic.

And even your resulting problem is classic. It's a problem related directly to what you suffered.

I'd say the answer is to spend two years experimenting by asking yourself how you feel. Try on how you feel to see if it is true. Try to say the feeling you feel, use a journal. They to do it in the privacy of your own head, where no one else's suggestions can get in your way. You deserve this space and protection.

I am very sorry to hear how things were for you xxx but you are doing right by sorting through it xxx good luck

@barbrahunter There's nothing more disconcerting than realising something you thought was a random character trait is actually anything but!

I’m so sorry op. Really awful and sad that you experienced this. Mine wasn’t as bad but I was not encouraged to be happy. And I was told I had a particularly ugly laugh. I still know I have an ugly cackle laugh. But I knew it was said to make me ashamed of laughing. It’s awful. I’ve never had a successful relationship and have always been single. I’m mid 50s.

I'm horrified by some of these stories xxx

Mine mainly was because everything I did or said was wrong. I could never get anything right and was always compared to other girls who seemed to be perfect.
I don’t know if I have ADHD or it is part of my upbringing but I run away if anyone asks me to do anything. I do feel useless at everything. I was also called simple if I was enjoying myself or a misery guts if I wasn’t. Sometimes I was berated for doing ordinary things. I once got the bus home because my mother was supposed to be picking me up and after an hour of waiting I made the decision to get home on my own. Apparently that was wrong and I should have waited as she would have remembered and I had put myself in danger.. I was constantly accused of smoking or drinking, something I had never done.
Whole weeks were devoted to telling me off because I was accused of smoking and I wouldn’t admit it. I used to come home on the bus, it was the 70s and obviously people were smoking around me.
I used to fantasise over running away. Even at 14 and with no money I think I would have had a better life hitch hiking down to London than staying for years before I got up the courage to leave

I had constant, constant, constant criticism. My mum never missed an opportunity to have a dig. I would kind of slide past her like kicked dog, all hunched up, waiting for the insult. So yes, I get it.

My dad was also a thoroughly nasty piece of work and would tell me I was too sensitive. I wasn't too sensitive, he was a fucking bully. It made me highly tolerant of abusers and abusive behaviour.

Smacking in my family was random, there wasn't a pattern as my mum's moods were so unpredictable. She would throw anything to hand as she had rages. But sometimes the same behaviour would make her laugh so there was no way of knowing how she would react.

I am hypervigiliant. When triggered I jump at everything, even the toast popping up. I never feel safe with someone and wear a mask. I also like a pp, don't show emotion. I'm certainly feeling it but you won't see it. I've had therapy and often talk about the dissonance between what I'm saying and how I look. I'm thinking just fuck off, I've had enough criticism my life about how I look. It's down to the fact that my mum was always trying to wind me up and if I showed that I was upset, she got worse. My older sister had it quite bad because she cried all the time.

Danny that is nasty. What awful parents. They should be ashamed.

A good book btw is Purple Dragon Mother for this sort of thing.

Op I had a v similar experiences and it's so hard to understand how they could treat you this way

My mother used to take photos of me when I wasn't looking,print them out and shove them in my face, saying look what I have to look at everyday, it breaks my heart the way you look at me. From about 7 upwards
I couldn't be upset as got constant drilling of what's wrong, and when was something always got turned around to be about her and how my feelings effected her, she would then dn cry for ages
I also couldn't have fun with others, remember going out with a bf at thr time and his family. I got phone call every 30 mins from her, didn't always answer as couldn't, she then got sister to call. Etc when did she was crying, how could I be out with others and not want to be with her etc.
Made it so hard, she hated anyone I dated and made it clear to me and them

So many other things to like most nights she was be screaming and crying on floor saying I broke her heart, that she is so tired and can't got on. As a kid I thought she was going to take her life most weeks because of me
I got hardened to it and as got older switched off when she was having these episodes.
I won't go on as will be here all night and wanted to keep to your question. So you are not alone in this

I went nc about 1.5 hrs ago not long after having my own child, it all hit home how abuses she was and I couldn't get how anyone could do that to own child.
She continued being abuses all through my Adulthood to so had to break tye cycle

Best thing ever done, had councilling for it, Prob need more as she is always in my head and dreams but will get there

It takes time to heal, but I think once relise what has happened and that not alone, and that they did treat you so badly (as will also deny it and say was trying to help me and blame me etc) it's a big step

Copperbeaches,using photographs like that shows how the use of modern technology must be giving many children a fresh level of hell now. Quite apart from the horrors of sex and physical abuse it must be devestating to have evidence of your 'defects' constantlly available for bullies inside or outside the home to use. I know we are all on it but who wishes sometimes the Internet just wasn't? I well remember life was often excrutiatingly boring but I think we had more mental freedom.

Sympathies to all those also physically abused by their parents. Hitting kids was so commonplace when I was young we saw it every day but the one thing my Dad did right is he never hit us. There was fighting and hitting amongst us siblings but not from my Dad though he did say when I was a teenager that was a mistake. It wasn't Dad, the best thing you never did.

Sorry Sammy1969 you had such a horrible experience of school and mother not understanding. Did she have some family reason for wanting you to be away?
I always (and I mean every moment I was out of the house) fantasised I would somehow be magically transferred to the kind of posh boarding school I loved to read about. Or some kind foster parents would take me in so I didnot have to go home, never happened. And now of course I know what hotbeds of child abuse boarding scools and foster paacements could be, another lucky escape.
Ironically, when I was 16 I ran away ,randomly, to Leeds, knew no one there or how to live and of course later discovered the area (Headingly) was where Sutcliffe (not to use awful nickname) was active. I'd heard about young boys being picked up for sexual abuse but thought I was safe as I was a 'big' girl in a gingham smock dress like a giant baby. Only lasted a few days before going home.

Actually no. Because from quite an early age I judged them. I knew rhey were doing wrong, I was just impotent to do anything about it.

I grew uo with the desire not to be like them. To feel revulsion at them.

Thr thing I learned is how to not be like them. And I’m happy with who I am. Because I am not like them. However the abuse in our home was very serious indeed.

Pete Walker. This guy’s work has helped so much. He specialises in C-PTSD from childhood trauma, from the perspective of being a sufferer himself.

@cateycloggs your completely right, must be awful when can record everything nie.such a horrible tool in the wrong hands.
Mine used a old cassette player and hid it in house and tried to record us saying something horrible. She never got much apart from when I was 5 she shut me in a room and played a tape of me crying and wouldn't let me out as she wanted me not to cry anymore.
Needles to say that has an effect on my abilities to process emotion properly! Luckly I'm allowed to cry now over 30 years later!
I also hoped I would be sent away or rescued by a nice Foster family.
@Bluntness100 I also made it my mission in life to be nothing like her, took time to get there due to so much power of me but so happy I am nothing like her and also reminding myself of disgusting she behaved helps alot

Hi OP,
So sorry to hear about your experiences growing up. Agree with Vanillasheher that the work of Pete Walker is really valuable. He has some great books and info on his website: www.pete-walker.com/

Also, Dr. Terry Lynch has a book called 'Selfhood' which deals with boundaries and recovering your sense of self. It has ideas for visualisations which I have found very useful.

Yes to being called a misery and especially the face thing. I was forever being told off for pulling faces when it was just my normal face. I would try and change the expression but it never helped. This harassment would start in the car at school pick up and carry on until bed time. Meal times were awful for it.

My mother is an alcoholic and has serious MH issues, she was psychotic for a while so I always assumed it was about that but obviously not!

I had therapy for a bout 5 years and can honestly say I feel ok now. I'm crap at relationships but I've made my peace with that. I care very little about what people think these days but had massive social anxiety up until my early 40's.