One slice of toast in the toaster

[icedchelseabuns]

I have namechanged for this, long time poster. Just need to get some views on this behaviour.

My partner, who is lovely in so many respects, has a couple of quirks that I find difficult to deal with.

Firstly, he is very particular in the way he does things which, whilst I don't wholly understand the need for such perfection, it is something I have accepted. However, lately, some of his quirks have become quite irritating. We have a dualit toaster that has a switch on it that allows you to turn off one of the slots if you only want one slice of toast. It was mine before we moved in together and as me and my child usually have two slices of toast, it's usually on the two slice setting. Partner has taken to only having one slice of toast. Fine. But doesn't remember to switch it back to the two slice setting which has resulted in undercooked and then burnt toast if I don't notice he has switched it over. I have asked him to remember to switch it back to two slices but he frequently doesn't. I realise this is a tiny issue in the grand scheme of things but I am finding it increasingly irritating that he is causing both me and my child inconvenience for what I perceive as his fussiness. Cooking on the two slice setting has no effect on cooking one slice of toast although my partner will argue that one slice ends up more cooked on one side than the other which is weird as he regularly burns his toast but 'likes it that way'.

The other issue is doing DIY or jobs round the house. Again, he is particularly fussy about any jobs he does which is slightly frustrating as it takes him a long time to complete anything. I don't mention it to him as I am grateful that I have finally found someone willing to do stuff. However, my contribution to the DIY is constantly critiqued by partner which I find annoying as I have lots of experience in DIY having renovated four houses before I met him. I may not do things the way he would but the end result is the same which he doesn't seem able to accept. He cannot stop himself offering up unwanted advice and gets quite grumpy if I don't do things his way. I have even been told that I don't put the correct microns of paint on each coat I do which is making me take longer than necessary to paint things.

He also has this thing that if he spends 6 hours or whatever on DIY, I have to do the same. Doing something else around the house isn't acceptable and he has admitted that he resents it. He had issues with his ex wife not contributing much to the upkeep of their house.

Any ideas why he is like this? How do I manage this successfully?

Why are you putting up with this from him at all?. This is unacceptable or should be to you, he’s even had a go at you about the amount of paint you put on each coat!.

You managed without him and you will do so again. Now you see why his ex wife got rid and you need to do the same, he is also no example of a father figure to your child.

You can't manage his behaviour. You can tell him it annoys you, and ask him to stop doing it, which I'm guessing you have already tried. He will then choose to pay attention and change his behaviour, or not. Your choice is then to continue to put up with it, or end the relationship.

Does he leave the toilet seat up as well?
Seriously, if these are the biggest problems in your relationship, you're doing pretty well. Spend an hour reading other member's relationship woes in here and hopefully you'll realise things aren't so bad in yours.

Or you could do as the pp suggests - get rid of him due to his toaster abuse and misuse!

Get a different toaster.

And tell him clearly - actually, I'm going to do this my way, as a perfectly capable and equal adult. You can follow your own methods, but I will follow mine. And don't pander to it.

And when it comes to exact division of labour, I would be wondering if the ex just wasn't a bit like you and doing her share but doing it in quicker, less fussy ways he disapproved of.

I'd tell him he needs to rein it in or perhaps when you do a household task, you should time it and then tell him he owes you the equivalent length of time, and keep doing it until he gets the message it's stupid and petty.

I suspect this issue is coming from a place of anxiety. He is not controlling in other ways but can be very pedantic about what I see as minor issues.

I don't see it as a LTB as he adds a lot in other ways. He is kind and generous, the same towards my child. I don't accept it. I ignore his criticisms and do what I want but I would prefer him to address this issue. When I speak to him about it he says he will try to not to be overbearing. He sees it as trying to be helpful.

I only realised recently that my toaster has a bagel (toast one side) option..... not obvious. I don't know is this is worth divorcing over however?

I think your married to my DH.

The toast thing, you have to either let it go or buy a new toaster, that won’t change.

Does he do equal housework around the house.? Mine doesn’t so I now happily sit watching Netflix letting him fuss on.

I always tried to match like for like but now frequently tell DH that if he wants something done a certain way, he does it himself. If he wants help, he shuts the fuck up.

I regularly end up shouting in frustration ‘please stop parenting me!’

Does yours also take several days planning and multiple trips to Screwfix before he starts. That one has taken a while to solve as he’d always ‘have’ to buy this obscure tool to do the job when something that he couldn’t be bothered to look for in the garage would have done the job. Now we’re older with more disposable income I’m more willing to pay someone to do it as it’s much less hassle.

I had an ex like that. I taught him to drive at 30 as he had never learnt, it was hell because he was rubbish at it although I never put him down. After numerous expensive lessons costing around £2000 before he finally got the hang of it and over a year of having him drive with me every day he finally passed his test.
Thereafter he critiqued my damned driving every single day until the end of our relationship. I could happily have murdered him.

The toaster - you realise you're effectively blaming him if your toast comes out wrong because you didn't check the settings? I'd be pretty annoyed with you if I was him....

The DIY - do you sit in your arse watching Eastenders while he's painting etc? Again I'd be pretty pissed off with you...

And you're happy to slap on the paint, he wants it done carefully. Again, I'd be pretty annoyed if I were him...

That's the other viewpoint quite obviously, but maybe you're not quite as perfect as you think and some of the faults are yours. Communicate, or fester in a partnerships full of resentments over tiny issues which will ultimately lead to separation.

The toaster thing isn't really an issue. I get why you are annoyed but maybe you just need to get into the habit of checking the setting before you push it down?

The DIY thing is more annoying I think. I admit I can be a bit nagging to my DH taking ages about doing diy jobs but then not do it myself. I've just had to accept that really (but do still nag! Although he occasionally admits that he does in fact need to be "reminded" to a certain extent!)

The time spent doing X thing would be the worst one for me. He needs to re-categorise that in his head to something like "communal living tasks" which includes housework etc too!

@elwoodblues, with you on the toaster issue. Just looking for some insight on why he is such a fusspot! Also, it's the drip, drip, drip of small issues that kills most relationships.

@category12, seriously thinking about getting one without a switch! And already doing what you suggest. I am not just taking it lying down.

Maybe he also gets annoyed with you for leaving it on the 2 slice option when he leaves it on 1 slice? This is clearly an issue where no--one is right and you both need to check the setting when putting toast in.

Is it your house, or yours and his?

The toaster thing is a case of if he's switched it to one slice, he should switch it back.

With the DIY, i'd tell him you'll do it your way.

Both are signs of him being an arsehole.

If he wants to do 6 hours of DIY and have it done a certain way that's his choice, he should expect you to do it just because he wants too. Are you renovating or something? Who's does that much DIY that it becomes an issue in a relationship like this.

The toast is your problem, I can't actually believe you've made an issue out of that

@billybagpuss, yup spent around three months planning a cabinet down to mm of screws needed. Ended up telling him I couldn't listen to any more conversations about the minitae of the plans. Six months later still not started the job. I am all for paying someone to do it, only very difficult to to get anyone in current situation. I have tried.

@titchy, can see your point about the burnt toast. However, if he left it alone, no one would have to remember to do anything and both would be eating non burnt toast. Just don't get the logic to be honest.

Also not claiming to be perfect but I do my share and to a good standard. My painting is pretty good if I say so myself. In fact I see a job finished, albeit, not 100% perfect, better than a job never started or completed due to procrastination. I purposely don't nag him as I am grateful to have someone willing to do stuff. I walked the dog, did three lots of washing, hoovered the house (which he normally does), sorted out the log burner, moved furniture out of the room he was working in, waiting for him to finish cutting wood, did three loads of wood dye on a shelf and undercoated and primed the other things he had cut and then sat on my arse!

He is like this because he can and it works for him. It’s likely to be hardwired into him since childhood.

Is this from him all you deserve out of a relationship?. I guess it is.

This man is not a good role model to your child

Sorry I meant shouldn't expect you to do it.

The toaster thing is ridiculous. You both use different setting. Just check it before you use it. I didn't even read the rest.

You complain about the toaster setting, he complains about the thickness of coats of paint. I would not want to have either of you as a housemate. Are you both just feeling the effects of lockdown and going a bit bonkers?

The toaster is a non issue. I'm actually with your partner on this.
But the other one would drive me over the edge! Do it yourself or keep your opinions to yourself and checking you've done equal amounts is pretty petty if you're both generally doing a fair share.

You can't make him address the issues if he doesn't want to.
Maybe do what another poster said, keep saying to him stop parenting me. Every time. If he criticises your painting, don't do it.
The toaster I would put down to one of those annoying habits people can have when living with someone.

I think your partner could argue you are being unreasonable for not leaving the toaster how he likes it. What's the difference? Set it how you want it when you are using it. The weird thing is requiring you to do the same number of DIY hours as he does. They makes no sense. There are lots of ways to contribute fairly to a household.

The toaster thing is getting to you because of his attitude elsewhere. You wouldn't care about it if your relationship was healthy.

He sounds like every bloke I've ever known. But the DIY thing and insisting on same input is pretty ducky, not so much the being anal (they all are), but the same time spent. I don't do any DIY any more because my DH does it better and I don't want the inquisition, but to simultaneously criticise and insist you do more is stupid. The toaster issue however just makes you sound fussy.

I have that toaster, BTW, and don't like wasting electric for one slice of toast. You can switch the element on part way through or pop it up and shuffle around so it's more even. No big deal.