One slice of toast in the toaster

[icedchelseabuns]

I have namechanged for this, long time poster. Just need to get some views on this behaviour.

My partner, who is lovely in so many respects, has a couple of quirks that I find difficult to deal with.

Firstly, he is very particular in the way he does things which, whilst I don't wholly understand the need for such perfection, it is something I have accepted. However, lately, some of his quirks have become quite irritating. We have a dualit toaster that has a switch on it that allows you to turn off one of the slots if you only want one slice of toast. It was mine before we moved in together and as me and my child usually have two slices of toast, it's usually on the two slice setting. Partner has taken to only having one slice of toast. Fine. But doesn't remember to switch it back to the two slice setting which has resulted in undercooked and then burnt toast if I don't notice he has switched it over. I have asked him to remember to switch it back to two slices but he frequently doesn't. I realise this is a tiny issue in the grand scheme of things but I am finding it increasingly irritating that he is causing both me and my child inconvenience for what I perceive as his fussiness. Cooking on the two slice setting has no effect on cooking one slice of toast although my partner will argue that one slice ends up more cooked on one side than the other which is weird as he regularly burns his toast but 'likes it that way'.

The other issue is doing DIY or jobs round the house. Again, he is particularly fussy about any jobs he does which is slightly frustrating as it takes him a long time to complete anything. I don't mention it to him as I am grateful that I have finally found someone willing to do stuff. However, my contribution to the DIY is constantly critiqued by partner which I find annoying as I have lots of experience in DIY having renovated four houses before I met him. I may not do things the way he would but the end result is the same which he doesn't seem able to accept. He cannot stop himself offering up unwanted advice and gets quite grumpy if I don't do things his way. I have even been told that I don't put the correct microns of paint on each coat I do which is making me take longer than necessary to paint things.

He also has this thing that if he spends 6 hours or whatever on DIY, I have to do the same. Doing something else around the house isn't acceptable and he has admitted that he resents it. He had issues with his ex wife not contributing much to the upkeep of their house.

Any ideas why he is like this? How do I manage this successfully?

@category12, I am starting to think I have inherited the problems they experienced and he is the common denominator. However, this is probably about a 10% problem in our relationship. There's plenty to love about him and I want to make it work. We aren't married by the way. I have an escape route!

Of course. It would be easier to make it work, however, if he addressed the underlying anxiety/OCD or other cause.

@wildraisins, thank you, I can see why you think I should approach it from my feelings angle as he may feel attacked. I have been consistent in not doing the DIY the way he wants me to, not to be difficult, but because I honestly don't see the need. I just wish he wouldn't make it an issue.

The toast thing is just a quirk, but the DIY thing is unreasonable in my opinion.

@smoothchange

The toaster thing is ridiculous. You both use different setting. Just check it before you use it. I didn't even read the rest.

This.

I don't know how you can fancy such a controlling fuss pot, tbh. Doesn't it affect the way you look at him?

@Palavah, it's not about the toaster though is it.

On principle though, it is OP's toaster, and she used i before he came along. Every morning,toast for two. DP starts using the toaster and sets it to 1-slice each time but doesn't reset it, because he doesn't think about anyone other than himself.

This is toaster abuse, a common method that unscrupulous men use to gaslight and control their wives via kitchen appliances. I can't believe some people are minimising this, as it's a serious an documented form of domestic violence that can lead to PTSD and other issues.

LTB.

@category12, that's what I am starting to think.

Check the toaster before you use it

@HollowTalk, he's not like this all the time. Only certain things unleash the beast! He is generally very kind and thoughtful, scrupulously fair about doing his share, generous and loving. Just seems to have hang ups about how certain things are done - making cups of tea, DIY, how to set a fire and........ whisper (how to make toast)

Why do you want this to work so?. Being potentially over invested in this will do you no favours. What has he himself done to address his issues without any input from you?. You should not want to make this work at your overall expense, no man is worth that at all despite any other “good” points he may have.

@AttilaTheMeerkat, I want this to work because the majority of it is good and I don't think throwing the relationship away at the first hint of trouble is necessarily the right thing to do.

I am seeing controlling behaviour. I believe it is coming from a place of trying to 'be helpful' ie unwanted advice and an anxiety of his about doing things right, not a need to control everything I do. I haven't seen any signs of this in his other behaviours. I have been around the block enough now to know the difference. He will not affect my child because she is an adult and not being parented by him.

I can assure you he isn't a project to fix. I would like to find a way to let him see how his behaviour is affecting me and for him to tweak it, get therapy or whatever else is necessary to sort this out.

The toaster 'meh' I couldn't get worked up about it.

The DIY, just tell him that he does it all from no onwards if he can't deal with the way you do it. Also tell him that it's not his place to manage your time, and just because he's doing diy doesn't mean you have to go do the same or something similar. You're a grown up and can manage yourself

If you were starting over today, would you choose this person again?. If so why?.

Think about what the likely future with this person looks like. Is that the future you really want?.

Think about a time when you have left a relationship in the past. Is that a relationship you wish you had back? Probably not.

How long have you been together now?.

Is this really from him now the first hint of trouble?. It is probably not if you think about it and this from him has been building up over time.

Controlling behaviour is precisely that; it comes from a place of power and control rather than being "helpful" or based on any anxiety. He wants to control everything around him including you and how you go about doing things within your home. How is that at all healthy, its not. How has he ever been at all "helpful" with regards to DIY in your property?. Its also unwanted advice because you have not actually asked for this from him.

If your child is living with you then she will pick up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken, between you two. She will see how you react to all this from him and learn from you also. Would you want her to be with such a man?. You're also showing her that currently at least, this is still acceptable to you on some level.

I never called him a project to fix and in any event such things are not fixable. This is hard wired within him and a dynamic that started long before you met.

Re your comment:-
"I would like to find a way to let him see how his behaviour is affecting me and for him to tweak it, get therapy or whatever else is necessary to sort this out"

Its hard enough to even change one aspect of your own behaviour; expecting or hoping someone else to change theirs is a road to nowhere. He also knows his behaviour is affecting you and does not care and this also works for him. I would think he behaved very much similarly with his ex wife.

I think the point I was trying to make, unsuccessfully, about the toaster issue is the level of fussiness I perceive in him. The attention to detail, the need to do things a certain way even if it causes hassle over and over.

You are the one trying to micromanage his toaster use, not the other way round.

What on earth are you talking about his 'level of fussiness'?

He uses the toaster on the correct setting for his one slice. There is absolutely nothing remotely fussy about that.

You on the other hand

Oh blow his mind by lighting the fire by the Scandinavian top-down method.

@icedchelseabuns

I suspect this issue is coming from a place of anxiety. He is not controlling in other ways but can be very pedantic about what I see as minor issues.

I don't see it as a LTB as he adds a lot in other ways. He is kind and generous, the same towards my child. I don't accept it. I ignore his criticisms and do what I want but I would prefer him to address this issue. When I speak to him about it he says he will try to not to be overbearing. He sees it as trying to be helpful.

I think the toaster is your problem. It's as much your responsibility to check the setting as it is his to change it.

The criticism? He can shut up or do it himself. And if he's going to time you doing DIY you can start timing his housework.

That one is very, very unreasonable. I would down tools.

I think you need to start speaking up and stop keeping the peace.

Ask with questions first ‘you think I’m painting this wrong?’ Give him the brush and walk away.

Keep doing it - no argument needed just a polite ‘sorry if it’s not good enough I’ll leave you to do it properly.

Get rid of the toaster and use the grill.

@AttilaTheMeerkat, I take on board what you are saying but I am not feeling that the relationship is abusive. I have been in abusive relationships before and this is nothing like it. I honestly believe he means well but has issues that make him appear controlling. They irritate but do no dominate me because I don't allow it. His unwanted advice doesn't affect what I do. I would just prefer not to have to bat it off in the first place.

Controlling behaviour is precisely that; it comes from a place of power and control rather than being "helpful" or based on any anxiety. He wants to control everything around him including you and how you go about doing things within your home. How is that at all healthy, its not. How has he ever been at all "helpful" with regards to DIY in your property?. Its also unwanted advice because you have not actually asked for this from him.

From my experience a lot of people, including myself at times, give unwanted advice to others when they think they know better or have something to offer. He also rambles on in minute detail about technical stuff that is of no use or interest to me which makes me think he has anxiety issues.

I can honestly say I would choose him again.

"I have been in abusive relationships before and this is nothing like it".

Did you ever enrol yourself onto the Freedom programme?. I ask only as this is ideal for people who have been in such relationships before now.

There are a lot of red flags here re this individual and I would urge you to be very careful here.

It does not have to be the same as before; abusers can and do choose their target in any case with a great deal of care. It may well be here that you have just gone from one abusive relationship to yet another; that is no reflection on you as a person but its a scenario that often happens in real life.

Abusers/controllers know who would be a good target. Targets can appear to be very smart, strong, confident and have good self esteem but their other good traits can make them more susceptible to abusers. The good traits of being resilient, having a high level of empathy, being over responsible for others who lack responsibility, being leaders, making important decisions and not giving up easily, being flexible and being able to adapt under highly stressful circumstances, being highly intellectual and not facing their feelings emotionally, having a childhood where a child felt insecure in the home where there was a lack of stability, etc. These people use their target's good characteristics against them and make it all out to be the targets fault.

If this is also the best relationship you have had to date I would hate to think what the others have been like. The fact that you state you have been in abusive relationships before now is telling; that in itself can lead a person to become more likely to have another abusive relationship. Abusive people mess up boundaries and sense of self big time and abuse can take a long time, years even, to recover from.

I don't know what I can say to convince you. I have had extensive therapy which is ongoing. I am confident of my grasp of the situation and my abilities to notice abuse. Was just seeking other's experiences or advice about my partner. Would certainly LTB if it felt abusive.

Would he be willing to do counselling together? If he gets defensive when you talk about the DIY issues you could try some I statements and see if that helps. They're less confronting. It's where you say the behaviour 'when you do xyz' then how you're feeling 'I feel abc'. Then wait and see how responds.

You need to be able to sit down and talk about the issues without blame and defensiveness on either side. That may require a counsellors help. Going by the toast thing in my experience that suggests you're feeling resentful/hurt. That's when the little things you'd usually not even notice start making you feel disproportional angry. It needs to be addressed one way or another so that you can either get back to a good place in your relationship or realise that while you may love each other your incompatable and need to seperate.

I'm v surprised posters are suggetsting he is abusive.

It sounds as though he is being nagging and particular about the DIY and you are being nagging about the toast. Just check the switch before you make the toast? Get him to make the DC's toast?

I have just had a calm chat with him about the issues and my concerns about the relationship. He listened and said he doesn't realise how he is coming across to me and will try to adjust his behaviour. He genuinely thinks he is trying to be be helpful. He may need to be reminded about unwanted advice.

He has admitted to being constantly stressed and anxious and I have suggested therapy to find some adjustments to his thinking and behaviour which he is considering. I can't ask for more at this stage.

On my part I have agreed to bring it up whenever I feel 'controlled ' by him rather than letting it build up as it has. We have agreed, for the sake of household harmony, to leave the toaster on the two slice setting