Would you do the same again?

[londonscalling]

My friend has two lovely grown up children. She loves them dearly and is very proud of them.

I was therefore surprised when she told me that, if she had her time over again, she would think twice about having children.

She has always been quite anxious about them, particularly when they were teenagers and young adults.

Since they've left home and (prior to Covid) she has gone back to doing lots of travelling and socialising.

She has a close relationship with her children, so this made me wonder whether other people feel the same way?

The thing about having children is that you have no idea of how much trauma and fear it can bring until you're there.

It's kind of like when young people go backpacking and turn up in India...they're all ready for an amazing spiritual experience and end up with culture shock and being exposed to sights they wish they'd never seen.

But I think most parents get over that and feel glad they've done it....I remember the fear I felt when my first baby arrived...that first night at home thinking "What have I done! I've brought an entire human into the world!"

But it's not that I wouldn't do it again...it's easy to say you'd think twice...but when you have a strong biological urge to procreate...well, that's not something many women can argue with.

Of course life would be quieter, simpler, cheaper etc with no children.

You could please yourself in life and go off travelling for months at a time, go out for dinner most nights, lie in most mornings.

You'd have none of the worries and upset too.

There's probably a lot to be said for not having kids, but ....

I have 3 and if I had my time over again yes I would do the same again at the same time in my life, I would of even liked more if the circumstances was right, when they leave home, I know I'd feel empty nest syndrome, then that is the time I will fulfill my life in other ways I surpose.

If I had my time over again I wouldn’t have children no, don’t get me wrong I love my girls and I’d do anything for them, but it’s been a long hard slog and honestly I’ve hated most of it, I’ve really not enjoyed being a mum at all, I had the maternal calling, the urge was strong - the reality massively different.

That's why I didn't have them. I saw the reality and decided it wasn't for me.

There's a thread on MN classics called I hate having kids if you're interested OP.

I wouldn’t be without my children. My daughter is a friend and we travel together and my son is a wonderful man and father. We didn’t have many traumas bringing them up but it was difficult. We were always short of money but I love having family around us.

I would 100% do the same again.. I love my kids and we have a wonderful life. I'm going to be sad when the move out someday but I already have a plan to get a yorkie to keep my DH & I company.

Time again, nope no children for me either, I have the 1 she was an accident and a wonderful one yes who I do love very much and I would and do anything for but I struggle to be a mother every day it’s bloody hard work and I am Am not maternal in any way,

I absolutely adore my wonderful kids. I don't know if I would do it differently if I went back. I think that I probably wouldn't, but that may be lockdown and single-motherhood talking

I totally agree with what @FortunesFave and I think my ex herself would agree the disparity between the “dream” and the reality was a massive factor in us separating. As much as I offered to help - even to become a stay-at-home dad - she felt she had to do the whole “super mum” thing herself to the extent she even rejected offers of child care, believing it would be like something in the pages of Country Child or a boho-Mummy Instagram feed. But it wasn’t. DS1 was diagnosed with ASD and DS2 went from being a cuddly baby into the terrible twos. And I tried to help but I was damned if I did (“are you suggesting I can’t do this all myself”?) and damned if I didn’t (“I resent the fact you can go to work”). In the end I was just damned.

If I could change anything if would have been having them earlier. We had children quite late which financially made a lot of sense but have friends and family who are similar age whose children are adult/ late teens and meet parents at our children's school who are 10 years younger than us and think it would be nice to have the freedom now rather when we will be nearly 60!

Interesting comments. Thanks. It sounds as though my friend is not alone in thinking she may not do it again!

I would have my children again but I would have chosen their father much more carefully.

I appreciate that it is difficult for some mothers, and I don't think that aspiring to have children is the be all and end all of a life for a woman. I know several who really could not put anyone else above themselves or deny themselves anything.

But for me I would definitely do the same again, I loved every minute of caring for my sons. Money was extremely tight and I was a single mother for most of the time. They are married family men now and have given me 4 beautiful grandchildren.

But I'm a real homebody and my boys were easy, healthy, slept well, loved sports and gave me no problems at all. So I know how very lucky I have been. I know it isn't so easy for everyone and how very difficult it can be when there are problems.

We had ours in our mid twenties. Struggled financially initially; had no help with H Working around the clock and studying part-time whilst I held the fort as a SAHM (80/90/00s). H’s job took him away from home constantly and there was a time when I wondered what the hell I had done with my life. I struggled emotionally but kept on going, as you do. We had the empty nest mid 40s and our lives took off massively as H’s job took him and me all around the world until he retired 2017.

I look back with ‘rose-tinted’ glasses now at those days on my own looking after two boys with a weekend father but do know I regretted having kids whilst struggling with it all.

Now however, I am glad we had children young, had freedom and means to enjoy our 40/50s travelling the world then coming home to retire whilst healthy enough to enjoy the fruits of all his labours. Covid has clipped our wings somewhat as we are locked down until we get the vaccine but the light is at the end of the tunnel. We now have two grown up and happy sons, established and settled with wife/partner and a beautiful grandson to enjoy who is the light of our lives. If we hadn’t have had children we wouldn’t have grandchildren would we!

With hindsight - I’d do it all again, with the same man and same timeline. I’ve been incredibly fortunate with the way things turned out for me.

*Of course life would be quieter, simpler, cheaper etc with no children.

You could please yourself in life and go off travelling for months at a time, go out for dinner most nights, lie in most mornings*

You do realise most people who don’t have children still have jobs, mortgages, financial commitments etc so can’t just head off for months at a time or spend mornings in bed?

Despite not wanting a child, Im happy that I had my DD. I would be even happier if she was tidier and more outgoing! But she makes me laugh, brightens my world and I'm pleased that I haven't missed out on the general joys of having a messy, stay at home child.
It would be nice if I could send her off to respite care for a week every now and again though!

I have genetic conditions I did not know anything about when pregnant. Those diagnoses came later. I have two children, both with additional needs. One has the same genetic condition as myself, and the other has autism and dyspraxia. Every day is very hard work as I now find myself needing 3 more surgeries in the next year or so. I have sole custody and their father never has them overnight. I was married to him at the time of conception, but our relationship failed for various reasons. I have been a single parent since my youngest was born, as I started to divorce her father during the pregnancy. Despite all the stress and strain, and the unpredictable nature of parenthood...I would not change a thing. My kids are my life, and I put them before myself and everyone else.

@sammylady37

*Of course life would be quieter, simpler, cheaper etc with no children.

You could please yourself in life and go off travelling for months at a time, go out for dinner most nights, lie in most mornings*

You do realise most people who don’t have children still have jobs, mortgages, financial commitments etc so can’t just head off for months at a time or spend mornings in bed?

Yes, apologies.

We work for ourselves (online) so I forget we are lucky that we could travel whilst working at the same time. We tend to work later in the day too!

The only reget I have is not having more children.

@scoobydoo1971 ... by the way you sound an amazing mom.

It's kinder not to bring people into the world.

Go to google & type in “I regret” - the predictive search brings up “I regret having children”

Many, many parents secretly feel this way. It’s not socially acceptable to say or think this, apparently!

It doesn’t mean you don’t love your children. Loving someone & enjoying parenthood are two separate things.

I myself am childfree because have been in a step parent role enough to see the reality of what having kids is like and it wasn’t for me.

Am 38 & still yet to feel a shred of regret, so feel have made the right choice.

I enjoy these threads because it shows parenthood is a choice - it’s a choice some will be glad they made & some will in hindsight think it wasn’t all worth it. No right or wrong choice, it depends on the person, the circumstances, the children’s personalities & support available.

Personal experience but most people I have spoken to who are childfree are introverts / omniverts & like a lot of recharging time.

For me sleep is the best thing in the world & don’t cope well on lack of sleep, so it doesn’t make sense to have children.

Everyone is different but appreciate your friend for her honesty !

I never actively wanted children then lo! I suddenly had three within a space of 3.5 years. But oh my god I’ve enjoyed being a mum, watching them grow, planning their education, nurturing them, breaking my heart over them when they were ill (two developed life-threatening diseases, bless them!), laughing laughing laughing, working my fingers to the bone to care for them, alone once they hit teenage years and their father took off. It’s been a blast. They’re mid to late 20s now and I’ve never regretted a second of it.

I do sometimes wonder if I’ve enjoyed it so much because I went into it with absolutely no expectations? My DP for instance definitely regrets having DC, who they really had to fight to get as conception was not easy. I think they found all the planning and angst were not worth it, the reality didn’t match the expectation.

I would do it again, but I’d also have an ‘accident’ to have the extra one I always wanted.