DH said he’s unhappy and doesn’t think it will work

[Penny13720]

Hi all I need a handhold please.

Dh and I have been together for 7 years, married for 2.5. Have a beautiful DD who is 6 months. We have always argued and had a difficult relationship but have always been very in love. As you can imagine a baby in the mix has made us argue a lot more. DH says I’m unaffectionate and don’t appreciate him. My issues are that I feel I have to constantly clear up after DH and constantly supervise him/give him instructions on how to look after DD. I also feel like he doesn’t listen to me/doesn’t really acknowledge how I feel. I He is brilliant when playing with her and being fun but not the practical stuff.

Over the weekend I cooked us a really nice meal and we sat down and had a really long honest chat about how we felt. He said that he loved me
So much and I was the best thing to ever happen to him blah blah. I said I would try and be more affectionate and appreciate him more.

Overnight DD woke up at 2 and wouldn’t settle, he said he would deal with her but then came back into me after 15 mins saying could I feed her/sort her out. I then got up with her at 7am as per her routine and sorted her out until her first nap. DH came down and didn’t even say good morning, you ok, nothing so I was annoyed. I said to him that he needs to be more consistent and persistent with helping her settle and not give up so easily, he then went into a tirade about how much I go on at him and how he can’t do anything right.

Told me he hated our relationship and that he had no hope things would get better because I make our relationship so crap.

As an aside I had a very traumatic birth, and have breastfed her since birth, which although wonderful has meant that I have not had a full nights sleep for 6 months and not had any break for longer than an hour. I’ve said to DH that I think I’m getting PND as feel like I’m struggling and keep crying.

In all honesty if it wasn’t for my DD I feel like what’s the point anymore. Lockdown hasn’t helped either as usually I have a very active social life.

I don’t know what to get from this but I just feel so desperate.

You've gone into Mummy mode as expected and he is missing out on being the centre of your life . People will come on and say he's being a man baby .

However ....
your problems stems from this My issues are that I feel I have to constantly clear up after DH and constantly supervise him/give him instructions on how to look after DD. I also feel like he doesn’t listen to me/doesn’t really acknowledge how I feel

he then went into a tirade about how much I go on at him and how he can’t do anything right Do you ?

You two need to have a good talk about all of this . If you think you need medical help seek it .Babies cause lots of problems . It's all fun and games while pregnant then the shit hits the fan.

I'm sorry things are so hard for you right now. There's a lot of pressure on you and he doesn't sound totally supportive. Is there someone - family or friends - you can speak to?

So he's a real selfish arse that is unhappy that a little baby has taken the spotlight off him.

You need to see your doctor.
You need to reach out to family and friends.
You need to prepare yourself for the fact you shouldn't have married someone you constantly argue with and that he is too selfish to put you or your child first.

I would imagine he is a huge part of your PND.

Get real life support.
You poor woman.

You need to stop giving him instructions and just let him figure it out. He is her dad, not her mum, so he won't look after her the way her mum does, and that is fine! Stop intervening, just let them get on with it.

Ok there are a few points that leap out...

Constantly clearing up after him - he needs to sort himself there, he is a grown ass adult

Supervising him with baby - here I think yabu, he won't learn if you don't give him space. If you are constantly overseeing and stwpping in he is going to stop doing it.

Making him feel like everything he does is wrong - based on the above I can kinda see why he feels like that.

Genuinely I am not having a pop, but I do think reading your post that his behaviour is a direct reflection on how you are being with him. Yes you are bf but that doesn't mean he can't be involved. Make him wake up too and make you a cuppa while you feed, get her nappy ready etc so you can change her together or he can do it once she has fed.

Let him take some control with her, he is his as much as yours. Maybe split put jobs so you get a break. Maybe he does her bath, gets her ready for bed, has snuggles whilst you have an hour to yourself. As unpopular as it might be, try expressing and letting him feed her (or formula it honestly won't kill her).

He needs to bond too.

As for your relationship, if you are feeling so negative and critical of him then I am guessing you have also withdrawn from him. As she is under 1 you are allowed to form a support bubble...do it, get someone else to have her for a few hours, have dinner, watch a movie, have a nap together.

Sounds like you both need to hear what the other is saying

Unless he’s putting her in danger or hurting her or not meeting her basic needs then it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t do things exactly the way you do them. She isn’t a project, you aren’t his manager, you don’t need to supervise and give instructions. If you always jump in to tell him what to do and how to do it then of course he’s going to give up after 15 minutes and come looking for you - that dynamic has been created and he’s come to lazily rely on it.

Let him get on with things, even if it mean you have to sit on your hands and leave the room. If he comes to ask you to take over, then unless it’s likely to be because DD is hungry, just tell him you think he’s doing fine and it’s good for both of them to have the time together.

Affection is something that comes naturally from how you feel towards somebody. You’ll start feeling it more towards him once he’s acting - and you see him as - an equal parent and a partner. That can’t happen whilst you’re still being mummy to both a baby and him.

Thanks all. I’m definitely not easy to live with I know that. I like everything just so and a certain way, and I can see that’s not helping the situation.

When we had our chat I said I would acknowledge it and work on it. He said the fact that a few hours later I have shown that I can’t do it proves that things won’t get better. He said he has no hope for our future and that he won’t leave. He has said that we should just concentrate on being good parents but accept that our relationship won’t work. I’ve told him that I don’t want that, that I’m not just going to exist with someone, we are either together or we are not.

@ComtesseDeSpair I think you’re right, the affection is just not there from my side and I need to drill down why.

I keep crying and telling him that I’m struggling that I feel mentally just not OK. He just doesn’t seem to acknowledge it. It’s like he’s avoiding it. I know he is someone who just shuts off, he grew up in an abusive household and I think that’s his way of dealing with stuff. If I ever try and say how I feel it’s like he takes it personally and is just very reactive and defensive.

We are in a support bubble with my parents but I just don’t feel like I can go to them with this. They often tell me that feel sorry for DH because of how I am. They also don’t really get mental health - I know that sounds ridiculous but they would tell me to try and buck up my ideas basically.

We had a very difficult situation a couple of years ago where there was a breach of trust and I don’t know if I ever recovered from it. We had some counselling and it did improve things, but we have gone off track since DD arrived.

I have lots of friends but just feel like I shouldn’t burden others at the moment. It’s a shit time for everyone.

He tells me that it’s all my fault, and like I say I know I’m difficult but I feel like I have lots of good qualities too. I don’t feel like I deserve for him to make me feel the way I feel.

All the crying and drama and correcting of him would be very unattractive in a partner.

Sounds as though you really could benefit from professional counseling.

I'm sorry @penny13720 but it sounds as if you are saying one thing and doing another and he's had enough. You admit you are difficult to live with so my question becomes this; what are you doing about your behaviour?

You are expecting him to change and by the sounds of it using emotional blackmail to do that, but what are you doing to address your own behaviour?

We have always argued and had a difficult relationship but have always been very in love.

This is not great. Good relationships should not be 'difficult'. Babies put huge pressure on a relationship, and if it's already week then of course toe going to suffer.

Your h should like a selfish arse.

You need to talk to him about how you feel. Tell him that if he did equal parenting and put in more effort with all the household chores and grunt work of looking after dc instead of just playing, then you would feel more affectionate towards him!!!

Having a child is a massive life event for you both, that raises strong emotions and affects everything about your life. 6 months in isn't that long. You both need to adapt and support each other to make it work. I think talking to your doctor about possible PND and getting counselling could be very helpful for you.

And I agree about letting your DH patent in his own way. I am like you (and like my mother was - I mistakenly admired her for it) in liking things done a certain way but you have to let go when someone else is involved. If he wants advice, give it. Otherwise be grateful for the break and let him get on with it.

@PerveenMistry perhaps I didn’t explain but the crying is because I’m really struggling with my mental health post baby and I suspect I may have PND. I don’t normally cry a lot.

@Terminallysleepdeprived I am trying, but even today, baby wouldn’t eat her lunch (worried she’s picking up on the bad vibes) and he called up to me saying ‘she won’t eat her lunch’. It is really frustrating that he can’t use initiative to think right let’s try something else, give her a break and come back to it, a sip of water etc. So I try not to react but it does piss me off. But perhaps that’s of my own doing because he doesn’t feel able to make those decisions on his own.

Also @Terminallysleepdeprived what do you mean I’m blackmailing him?

This sounds like such a tough situation to be in. You are both in the eye of the storm with a young baby, Lockdown and PND in the mix.

But, and I ask this gently, if you were to step back and look at the whole relationship, it does sound like that the relationship has never been easy. That despite the love you have for each other, the foundations of the relationship weren't quite a solid as you would have hoped?

Perhaps it is worth asking DH to move out for a few weeks to give you both time and space to consider what you really want from this marriage.

Thanks @CagneyNYPD I think you’re right, I know deep down the relationship isn’t good. Tbh I was very close to ending the relationship when he broke my trust a few years ago, but we had only been married a few months and I just couldn’t walk away.

I have suggested a number of times that DH should move out for a bit to give us time to think about what we both want, but he outright refuses to leave and says why should he leave his house and ‘he’s not going anywhere’. I said I would leave but it would take about 5 trips to my mum and dads with all my stuff and DDs.

I think you need to start by getting a break. Feed the baby and then go for a drive/walk/supermarket/see your parents/read a magazine in the car

Be out for three hours and do this at least every weekend.

Then you’ll get a break and your husband gets to learn how to deal with the baby.

He can do the same.

The rest of the time you share the responsibility for things.

Then you might feel like being a bit nicer to him.

Lots of good advice here. One thing I will add is that all marriages have ups and downs and is extremely likely that one of those downs is going to be the first few years after having kids. It’s really, really tough to adjust. There’s a certain amount of just soldiering through.

What would be his response if you said that you were going to stay with your parents for a few weeks? Taking the baby with you of course as she is bf.

It sounds like you have created a situation where he doesn't feel he can make decisions re your dd. I think that needs you to take a pretty honest look at why that is and ask yourself some tough questions about your behaviours.

By blackmail I was referring to the crying etc. I am not trying to minimise the possibility of 0nd, but is it possible that your dh is seeing it as a form of manipulation technique to excuse your behaviour? I am struggling to find a reason why he would be so dismissive of it otherwise.

You talk of a breach of trust, I assume affair as you appear to have emotionally checked out of your marriage. You made a decision to stay, and whilst he should have worked to regain your trust you also need to work on moving past it. Your controlling of his interactions with your dd could be classed as emotional abuse and as such I think you need to look at what you really want.

There is clear fault on both sides and yes I agree your dh has been a tool with somethings bur I do think you need to look at your part in it. You guys should be working together and supporting each other to be the best parents you cam be, not tearing each other down.

When you say a very difficult situation where he broke your trust, what are you referring to?

I did say that I would speak to my parents and make arrangements - he says that I can’t take his daughter away from him and he doesn’t want to be in a position where he can’t see her.

I suggested he go to his mums but she may have COVID atm and he won’t go to his brothers ‘as it’s not his problem’.

I feel really trapped and something does need to happen because we are just going round in circles with each other.

He is right that he doesn't have to go anywhere and if you can go to your parents, you can take a bag for each of you. It is getting some space, not moving out so need for 5 trips!!

@Terminallysleepdeprived yes he often says he can’t see how I’m struggling because I’m a strong person who can hold their own. So I think you’re right he’s seeing them as crocodile tears I suspect.

Sorry I wasn’t being cryptic / to cut a long story short he met up with an ex behind my back and lied to me about it. I only found out because his guilt got the better of him. He swears nothing happened but of course I will never know. I know I need to move past it, but I just felt that by doing that he showed me I wasn’t that important to him. Perhaps that explains a lot I just don’t know anymore.

OK, you say you've told him you've got PND, but thb he can't do anything about that. You don't mention getting any help or talking to your HV - have you done anything to take responsibility for your own mental health?

From past experience, living with someone who "likes everything just so" is a recipe for frustration, resentment and eventually giving up. After the 19th time i was told off for doing the laundry "wrong", i stopped doing laundry at all. And then i left.

@Terminallysleepdeprived

I'm sorry *@penny13720* but it sounds as if you are saying one thing and doing another and he's had enough. You admit you are difficult to live with so my question becomes this; what are you doing about your behaviour?

You are expecting him to change and by the sounds of it using emotional blackmail to do that, but what are you doing to address your own behaviour?

Seriously? When she has left him with the baby (at night, at lunch), he's tapped out early and left her to it. I agree it sounds like they can both work better, but it sounds like she also feels the need to.provide oversight because he isn't stepping up. Blackmail is a really unfair word to use.