DH said he’s unhappy and doesn’t think it will work

[Penny13720]

Hi all I need a handhold please.

Dh and I have been together for 7 years, married for 2.5. Have a beautiful DD who is 6 months. We have always argued and had a difficult relationship but have always been very in love. As you can imagine a baby in the mix has made us argue a lot more. DH says I’m unaffectionate and don’t appreciate him. My issues are that I feel I have to constantly clear up after DH and constantly supervise him/give him instructions on how to look after DD. I also feel like he doesn’t listen to me/doesn’t really acknowledge how I feel. I He is brilliant when playing with her and being fun but not the practical stuff.

Over the weekend I cooked us a really nice meal and we sat down and had a really long honest chat about how we felt. He said that he loved me
So much and I was the best thing to ever happen to him blah blah. I said I would try and be more affectionate and appreciate him more.

Overnight DD woke up at 2 and wouldn’t settle, he said he would deal with her but then came back into me after 15 mins saying could I feed her/sort her out. I then got up with her at 7am as per her routine and sorted her out until her first nap. DH came down and didn’t even say good morning, you ok, nothing so I was annoyed. I said to him that he needs to be more consistent and persistent with helping her settle and not give up so easily, he then went into a tirade about how much I go on at him and how he can’t do anything right.

Told me he hated our relationship and that he had no hope things would get better because I make our relationship so crap.

As an aside I had a very traumatic birth, and have breastfed her since birth, which although wonderful has meant that I have not had a full nights sleep for 6 months and not had any break for longer than an hour. I’ve said to DH that I think I’m getting PND as feel like I’m struggling and keep crying.

In all honesty if it wasn’t for my DD I feel like what’s the point anymore. Lockdown hasn’t helped either as usually I have a very active social life.

I don’t know what to get from this but I just feel so desperate.

@Penny13720 why was he so frightened of meeting an ex and why are you so wound up about it? I see my several ex's, I don't hide it from my dp but he also doesn't get to control who I see...not that he would try. Unless there is more too it your behaviour to him as a result seems on the surface to be a massive overreaction and would go a long way to explaining why he is dismissing the idea of pnd.

I'm honestly not trying to be a bitch here, but your posts focus on his behaviour and skirt over you own admissions of equally poor behaviour. I think you need to look hard at yourself and your contributions to how things got to this. He didn't get here on his own.

I do think space is needed for you both, but even space will only work if you are truly honest with yourself and you start listening to what he is telling you. He is telling you he loves you but he can't deal with your behaviour, now some of that may well be pnd related and will correct with treatment and time. But there seems to be a long history to this and you say yourself you are not easy to live with. How long has he been telling you about your behaviour and how long have you been promising to work on it and then not doing so?

You guys brought a child into this mess (wrong imho) but she is here and she needs you 2 to work together regardless of whether you remain married or you separate. If you separated you would have zero input into his interaction with dd when he had her so it might be worth remembering that next time you want to micromanage his interactions with her now.

I think he sounds purposefully useless so he doesn’t have to pull his weight, and that the relationship has run its course. Get some medical help and emotional support lined up for the PND and then take DD to your DPs for a few months to have a break from it all. It’s all a bit toxic.

Is it? She admits to micromanaging him around their dd and crying all the time. It isn't a big leap to think that crying and talking about pnd that she hasn't been diagnosed with could be seen as emotional blackmail.

I am not trying to be unkind, but how is it helpful to condemn her dh without addressing her own admissions about her behaviours?

Children very quickly kill even the strongest relationships. It’s not unsurprising it’s obliterating a relationship that wasn’t good to begin with.

I second the 'going out for 3 hours every weekend' advice. Go to your mum's and leave him to it. You'll get back, your baby will still be in one piece, and your husband will get more and more confident about doing things his way. I think this is the most effective short-term step you can take. And be kind to yourself - the first year is brutal, don't make any decisions about your relationship in haste and he shouldn't either.

Feed the baby and say right im going for a walk your in charge and leave if he calls tell him I trust you can handle this with you out of the way he will have no choice but to handle it because it sounds like he is just used to you taking over then blaming you for taking over

Make an appointment with your doctor get support for your pnd

@Terminallysleepdeprived he lied to me about it, didn’t even say this is what I’m doing. It wouldn’t matter if I had a problem with it - I would be a bit jealous but who isn’t?! He can do what he wants but when you lie to me you lose my trust and respect. If he was honest I wouldn’t have a leg to stand on would I? Our DD is loved beyond words - we didn’t bring her ‘into a mess’ we are just a couple who is really struggling. I would like to think DH could take a step back and say if you’re not well and struggling let’s go and seek some help, I don’t think that’s unreasonable of me. I don’t have some ulterior motive.

I do need to make some more time for myself but I don’t bother because where is there to go?! In normal times I would go and get my hair or nails done but I can’t even do that.

We both clearly have behaviour that needs addressing. We agreed to try a lot harder with each other but we just revert back to type each time.

@Penny13720, you need to find somewhere to go because this is about getting your relationship back on track,not about giving you a distraction. It sounds like your husband needs the space and incentive to develop his own parenting style, and this will be a lot easier if it's just him and your child. So, in the nicest possible way, get out!

OP, are you getting any help for your mental health?

You say you're in very much love... you don't sound it. You both need help for your behaviours you're no better than each other.

Honestly @Penny13720 no, you don't have the right to be jealous. Any decent relationship doesn't require you to know every last detail of what each other is doing. Did he actually lie or did he just not say who he was seeing?

The whole relationship sounds extremely dysfunctional so yes you did bring a child into this mess. You admit in your op that the relationship hasn't been good even before your dd came along.

I'm sorry, I know I am harping on but you are focusing all the blame on your dh and ignoring your part in at least some of it.

You are both at fault and unfortunately until you are both prepared to acknowledge it then you will just keep returning to the same issues.

You say you both make promises and then revert to type, but do either of you make any active effort to change the behaviours in themselves that causes the issues for the other?

I said I would leave but it would take about 5 trips to my mum and dads with all my stuff and DDs.

What’s stopping you, then? If you don’t want to go, then ensure you have time alone. I think as a pp said, your relationship has always been a bit fraught. Having a baby really puts a spotlight on any flaws.

Saying you like things ‘just so’ does make me think you are not picking. Leave him with the baby and be unavailable for his call about her not eating etc. He needs to learn to cope, he is also her parent.

@Terminallysleepdeprived yes he lied. Said he was meeting friends and then went and met up with her. I was devastated. I would never do that to someone I love. Your relationship is probably different and works for you, but that behaviour doesn’t work for me.

He has really tried and so have I. We are not bad people with bad motives. I’ve said many times I’m no angel and to be fair I think everyone’s responses have been balanced on both sides.

I am all for playing devils advocate but I think you are going in on me a bit here.

I will ring the GP tomorrow and see if they can provide me with some help. I had bad peri natal anxiety (previous ectopic pregnancy and then COVID which made me terrified I would lose this baby too) which I had some CBT for and so perhaps that could help again now.

I'm genuinely not trying to "go into you" I am trying to get through some of the cryptic comments you have made so I understand your issue and can advise.

He didn't specifically lie if they are still friends, he did meet a friend. He is with you, he married you, he has had a child with you. Unless he has given you reason to doubt him why would meeting up with a friend who happens to be an ex be such a huge breach of trust?

I do think contacting your gp is a wise move. I suffered with horrific antenatal depression and anxiety so believe me i do understand, I also had a feckless partner who had spent his whole time as a parent to my dscs being told what he was doing was wrong, his children snatched away mid nappy change because it wasn't done her way. As a result when we had dd he was massively hands off and "lazy". It took me a long time to understand how to help him and how to not let the mum instincts in me to take over. So belive me I do understand from both sides.

It strikes me from your subsequent posts that there are some pretty fundamental problems that predate dd. Unfortunately a new born plus lockdown will magnify any small issues into huge ones. I think you would both benefit from counselling both individually and as a couple. Your go may be able to advise on some decent online ones.

But in the short term please allow him the freedom to parent and learn. Go out, take a walk, do the weekly shop and leave him with dd. Find ways to get some space and a little perspective that isn't tainted by the pressure cooker situation you are currently in

Sorry you have had a hard time from some posters. I am not sure why. Like many new mothers you have been struggling and your DH is not stepping up.

Presumably "affectionate" means sex? Many women find their libido/keenness for physical contact dwindles during the period of bf (not all, but many). As your baby starts to eat solids and rely on you less, you may find this changes, but you need to do this at your own pace.

It sounds like your chat was very positive so the next step is to make practical decisions in advance (not at 2am). DH and I had an arrangement that any waking after 5am he would deal with so I got a guaranteed few hours' sleep. I also had a couple of hours' nap in the evenings when sleep was going badly. I did express so this helped. We also "review the night" in the morning and always ask how it went for each of us! We cook dinner on alternate nights and the other parent does bath and bedtime.

Maybe he doesn't want to step up and maybe there are other problems. But if you want to look at ways forward together, this would be my advice.

p.s. I would also be very hurt after the breach of trust.

It can be difficult to live with somebody who finds fault all the time. You need to address this problem and stop doing it. It can be a living hell. Pick pick pick. Its awful.

It sounds like you need a break from him. You need to work out whether he is helping or hindering you.
I know I would feel less stressed if I didn’t have to clean up after my DH.

And I personally wouldn’t have taken him back after his betrayal.
Like you say, he has lost your trust, you will never trust him again no matter how you try to get over it.
Resentment will set in at some point.

There’s finding fault in silly things and finding fault where it matters OP - are you doing both or only in the important things? Eg I am a bit over the top about really silly things such as folding clothes - and have learned not to say anything about that, it doesn’t matter. But other things do matter and you do need to make your DH do it the safe way. I got told to stop interfering in the way he would have DC on the settee with him when I knew he (DH) was tired. Was told off for trying to make him do things my way etc Until one night DC rolled off on to hard floor and we end up in A & E being spoken to firmly by Dr. Even with nappy changing, if it’s not done properly it can lead to problems. I know a couple who had big arguments over baby safe sleeping. So yes, how to stack the dishwasher- who could care less as long as it’s done and the stuff doesn’t break. But some aspects of baby care do need to be done the right way.
Hope you get the support you need from health carers.

@Viviennemary

It can be difficult to live with somebody who finds fault all the time. You need to address this problem and stop doing it. It can be a living hell. Pick pick pick. Its awful.

It depends what the finding fault is about.

Leaving washing in the washing machine to go fusty vs not arranging the socks in the right order.

The first is fair enough to pick up on, the second isn’t.

Yes it’s normally about bigger things - like DH is doing his own meal plan and will cook and leave raw sausage meat around the sink near where the baby’s bottles have been washed. Or he put the eggs in a precarious place in the fridge and when they all fell out he huffed that I didn’t help him clear up but I was busy feeding the baby.

I guess his way of showing love for me is by doing stuff and being practical, so by me picking holes in that he feels like I’m not appreciating him.

We had another long honest chat and he said he feels like I hate him and I don’t love him. I said I fe like we don’t have an emotional connection and that he doesn’t want to listen or care to what I have to say. I told him I was going to contact the GP re my PND and he just said nothing. Then it blew up because I said he was being callous.

Things are OK this morning but who knows where we will end up.

OP can I just put my hand up for your husband for a bit....I am happy to be shot down believe me. When I came a mother I hadn't got a sodding clue how to be a parent. Not one thing. Yes, I read the books but when the baby suddenly arrives I just didn't know what to do. Your husband needs to be taught how to parent it seems. Parenting to some people just isn't natural, like myself. I struggled enormously with it all and I was like your husband. Please, I know you have taken to parenting quickly but your husband may feel completely out of his depth and feeling like a huge loser and totally un prepared and like a fool as he just cant get to grips with being a father. Also, please get help with your mental health, take some space and just try and chill a bit. You need to admit to each other that things are a mess and you need a truce. Your relationship was troubled before all of this and the baby has magnified this. So, could you have a little bit of compassion for yourself and get help and also for your stumbling husband who clearly hasn't a clue what to do and is probably desperate to do it right but is being told off all the time. He needs as much support as you do. I know where he is coming from...I look at my beautiful 22 year old daughter and sometimes we laugh at the fact she turned out to the strong amazing woman she is as I was a really crap mother that tried her best but just couldn't get to grips with the parenting thing. Your husband is out of his depth with everything as are you at the moment.

But OP, are you picking holes or is he being a bit shit?

That’s what we don’t know.