What do you think of these txts

[MentalBreakdownComing]

I left my husband recently after years of anger management issues, never hit me, but blowing up over small things, blaming me for things, making me feel about about silly things, being coercive and generally narcissistic.
I still deal with a lot of shit from him but I am a peacekeeper, probably a bit of a doormat and barely ever cause drama with him unless it involves our child. But I still get abuse from him.
What do you make of these messages I recieved today from him? Completely out of nowhere.
Just a bit of background about the “sleeping out and drawing on tits”
So I never slept out anywhere, I worked in a bar till 1am in a weekend. Maybe 2 times a month I would go out after work with my work mates and some friends, some of which were male, and we would go to a bar from 1-3 and then some of the girls and boys lived in shared accommodation, (students) so we would go and carry on drinking there. I would sometimes get home at 5am. I know I’m hindsight this is not the best way to carry on but I was just having fun with friends. As for the drawing on my tits 😑 no one drew on my tits, his workmate was there once and drew a smiley face on my neck!

OP you're not in a relationship with him any more. Give yourself the gift of not needing to respond, interpret, overthink or in any way engage with these nonsense ramblings.

You are absolutely right. I feel like I’m moving onto the next phase of this separation and I’m looking forward to it

@gannett

OP you're not in a relationship with him any more. Give yourself the gift of not needing to respond, interpret, overthink or in any way engage with these nonsense ramblings.

This. Get proper distance not just physical distance! Tell him you will respond to messages about the kids only. You will respond to polite messages only. You will ignore swearing, rudeness and coerciveness. Start to take control now.

He sounds like an utter wanker and stop doing his shopping for him.

Can only echo what everyone else has said. I had one of these ex's. I told him very clearly at the start I want nothing to do with him. There is no need for us to communicate about anything other than the kids. Which he isn't interested in. So all I need to times of pick up/drop off. And nothing else.

If he tries to draw you in don't reply.

I send a small something to the children's paternal grandparents and aunt. Up to their son if he wants to make the effort himself.

You will find it hard at the start but it gets easier. It is vey freeing that when I do get a message I'm not feel pressured to reply there and then. He doesn't pull my strings anymore.

How my heart sank when you said narc. They can mess you up without laying a finger on you. There is a brilliant web site called Quora. Part of Quora is a massive online community that gives advice on narcissists. How to get away, cope with and recover from. Managing your narc ex when you have dc is huge part.
He is still playing you because you are still providing some interest. You have to learn to become insignificant, boring and not worth his time. Every text he sends has a hook in it. Don't bite. Become dull, don't argue and protest. Use fewer words to reply. More emoji.
You cannot change him. He won't see reason, truth, fact or logic or your point of view, ever.
Your want to be a decent human being with well rounded dc and a co parenting relationship.
He wants to win. Always. At any cost.
You have done the hardest part. Now you need to educate yourself with coping strategies to get on with your life.

@willowmelangell

How my heart sank when you said narc. They can mess you up without laying a finger on you. There is a brilliant web site called Quora. Part of Quora is a massive online community that gives advice on narcissists. How to get away, cope with and recover from. Managing your narc ex when you have dc is huge part. He is still playing you because you are still providing some interest. You have to learn to become insignificant, boring and not worth his time. Every text he sends has a hook in it. Don't bite. Become dull, don't argue and protest. Use fewer words to reply. More emoji. You cannot change him. He won't see reason, truth, fact or logic or your point of view, ever. Your want to be a decent human being with well rounded dc and a co parenting relationship. He wants to win. Always. At any cost. You have done the hardest part. Now you need to educate yourself with coping strategies to get on with your life.

Thankyou I will take a look at that info, appreciate it x

If you find it too difficult to stand up to him, you could always shut him down by agreeing with him....

“Good thing I’m your ex wife then.”
“Aren’t you glad I’m your ex now”
“Good thing we are broken up and you no longer have to put up with me/it and can move on with your life”

Ok, firstly he's a moron and good on you for leaving.
Second let him sort his life admin out!

Thirdly. Is he 12? Arguing about putting x on the end of texts what the hell is that about???!! Last time I even noticed if someone put x at the end of texts was when I was in high school. So weird!

He sounds childish and pathetic. Getting upset because there's no x on a message ffs.

I know it's your childs Grandma but it's really not your responsibility to get him a present for his mum.

I think you need to set yourself some boundaries, stop doing things for him, don't respond to his messages unless it's about your child. Don't get into a back and forth with him, just straight forward messages only relating to childcare. You don't need to deal with him insulting you.

Well done for leaving him OP, he sounds like a twat and you will do much better without him.

Well I'm glad you've left him. Stop engaging. It's a habit you need to break. Block his number or something. You could have a new number on a cheap phone you only use to message him about childcare arrangements.

And send your child's granny a present from you and your child - if you like her. Don't do it for your ex though. Anything you do for him he will see as a way back to controlling you. And be careful that the granny friendship isn't one sided. Even the nicest in-laws will almost always side with their own son/daughter in the end, even if you've had a good relationship with them. Sad I know.

He sounds like a13 year old. What a huge bloody turn off!
Go and find yourself a proper man :)

Stop responding. And why you'd buy his Mum a gift is beyond me?

He can't even spell, which I find deeply unattractive.

The great thing about having left him is that you no longer need to ponder this childish, semi-literate drivel.

(And stop buying presents from him for his mother!)

I like the idea of buying a cheap phone just to communicate with him!!! I’m gonna do that!
And yeah ...he’s mid 30’s believe it or not!

@MentalBreakdownComing great idea. 100% get a new number for everyone else. He won’t even know!

As pps have said, it's like you're still in a relationship. You need to reset boundaries but perhaps you don't really know where they should be, because you're so used to the way things are?

Make yourself some rules about replying to him.

I suggest something like,

1. Never reply immediately. Put the phone down and walk away from it. Take some time out to think - run his message past a few mental tests such as, is this appropriate after a split, is this rehashing our past, is this about our child? If it fails the tests, don't bother answering, or give a standard, broken record reply.
2. Don't engage in back and forth about your relationship or alleged faults on your part. Ignore or "good job we broke up" and no further response. Give him nothing to work with. Shut him out.
3. Don't chat to him or share things about yourself or your life, outside of necessary information about your child. You need to create distance.

When you set up the PAYG phone, text like it’s a generic message: “Hi, it’s X. This is my new number” so he assumes it’s a new number for everyone. He’s less likely to try your old phone. Then only turn it on when it’s relevant communication to your child.

Well done for breaking free. Stepping back from the messages is another step in relinquishing his hold over you.

You interact as if you are still together. He clearly is trying to keep you reeled in. By responding to his stupid complaints as if they are valid, you are feeding it.

Don't question him or point out that he is nice one moment and not the next. Don't respond to his accusations. Don't deny things or defend yourself. That is what you do when youre IN the relationship.

Just ignore anything like this.

He thinks this is a game and isn't taking the loss of you seriously.
He thinks you're coming back.

Why are you even responding to his ridiculous texts. He's manipulating the situation and pushing your buttons to continue abusing you. My ex was the same, narcissistic and manipulative. Stop responding, stop trying to justify yourself to him. It's none of his business anymore. If you have to communicate with him over your child keep it short and to the point. By responding to his stupid comments you're in effect enabling his abusive behaviours.

After I split with my narcissist ex, he sent me a goady message. I replied and told him in no uncertain terms that if he ever contacted me like that again I would be taking legal action and he was only to ever contact me about DD. I also suggested he get psychological help.

Did the trick.

You need to put him right back into his box. His messages are absolutely infuriating. I agree with the pps, get another phone just for him.

@willowmelangell Fantastic post. You articulated everything I wanted to say. My ex was exactly the same. I learnt to just stop responding and he soon found someone else to play his silly little games with.

Well done for leaving him. I used to also respond to accusations and try and reason with him until I realise how futile it was. So I just didn't answer to anything that wasn't to do with the kids. I also stood my ground and never gave an inch.

After a year or so when things were well established then I started doing him favours and him me. Before that, nothing.

He's not an intelligent man, is he?