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Original poster

Relationships issues

31 replies

Biba20 · 17/01/2021 06:00

Hi everyone, I would like to have your opinion on something. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years, is it normal that he goes away on trip either by himself or with friends more often then he goes away with me? I know that even if you are a couple, it's still important to mantain independence and individuality but to what extent? I don't want to sound needy neither take away the freedom of enjoying a holiday but I must admit, it hurts.

OP posts:
ivfbeenbusy · 17/01/2021 06:26

Depends really.....if he's between the age of 18-25 probably not that strange. Older than that yes I would be annoyed

Original poster
Biba20 · 17/01/2021 07:13

He is 32. But how should take this situation?

OP posts:
kerkyra · 17/01/2021 07:22

Hi, I think you have to accept it unless he changes. I understand how you feel as I went out with someone who went on around six trips a years with friends and in the end it finished.He was 53!
We went on a holiday but only one as he only had a set amount of days off from work and all of them were allocated to his trips with'the lads'. Off to butlin's on a mates birthday,racing in Dublin,stag do in Majorca, booze up in Las Vegas every September.
Wasnt for me.
Good luck with what you chose to do Op

BackwardsGoing · 17/01/2021 07:30

I don't think it's necessarily about trips away, it's his overall attitude. E.g. my DH likes some sports/activities that I don't and he goes on holidays/short trips away with friends to do those.

But, it's not at the expense of time together (he doesn't work so it doesn't eat into his annual leave) or family holidays. And when our DC was young he obviously didn't go away by himself as much.

Is your boyf generally considerate or does he put himself/his friends first?

Original poster
Biba20 · 17/01/2021 07:38

Hi BackwardsGoing, thank you for your reply, my partner and I go away together but I work in education so my holidays are stuck to those times when the school is closed while instead is either not working ir he works from home so he has way more freedom to go away than me.

OP posts:
BackwardsGoing · 17/01/2021 07:39

I think that's okay to be honest. I don't have as much flexibility as my DH, and I quite enjoy having the place to myself when he's gone!

How's the rest of your relationship?

Original poster
Biba20 · 17/01/2021 07:53

This is the background story and the reason of my post.
I'm 31, I met my partner on a dating app almost 3 years ago. We clicked from the start but was difficult to get him on board to be in a monogamous relationship because he had never been in one and never wanted. But, love took over and after 6 months we were in a monogamous relationship or thats what I thought. Just over a year ago, I discovered he repeatedly cheated on me during the first year and half. I broke up with him straightaway, although, a month later we go back together and then three months after we broke up again because I was still too hurt. Lockdown happend and we didn't see each other for 3 months, we were in touch the whole time but I decided to take that time to focus on myself, after all we were broken up. At the end of lockdown we decided to meet and even if I was very cautions and him very patient, in then we got back together. The reason was that he said how much he had missed me and how the lack of me in his life made him feel, how ashamed he was to have cheated and that he wanted to gain my trust again. Since then he worked really hard to get a job that could give him a steady income (something he never had), we have been talking about moving in together and one day having a family (these were topics brought up by him), he also realised he has an addiction to porn so about 3-4 weeks ago, he decided to quit for me and himself as well since it affects so many aspects of his life. I love him deeply and he loves me deeply too, I know thats true even if I might sound naive, so I really want this to work and him too. The problem is that I still struggle to trust him despite the way better comunication we have now and despite everything he has been doing to reassure me he wants to be in a committed long term relationship with me.
He loves travelling (he goes away a lot) which is a totally natural desire to have and I don't want to take that away from him or anyone but some of the cheated happened during his travels and now he is away with his friends for a few weeks. If we are phisically together in the same city or if it's visiting friends, for some reasons I'm not that worried but in this circumstance I am. He knows this, we spoke about it and he said he would involve me virtually as much as he can and that he won't cheat. But he is in a beautiful place on a working holiday with friends. It just brought bad feelings back to life.
Sorry for the long message!

OP posts:
ivfbeenbusy · 17/01/2021 07:54

It's not something I'd be particularly happy about at that age - I suppose it would depend on his overall personality? I met DH when he was 25 and "lads holidays" pretty much stopped straight away. Is he a bit of a "Peter Pan" at 32 - eg doesn't want to grow up, clinging on to his youth? If so long term
I'd be having doubts about the relationship?

Are the people he goes away with predominantly single? What kind of holidays are they?

BackwardsGoing · 17/01/2021 08:00

Oh honey. Please let this one go. He's not for you.

I promise there's much, much better than that put there.

Original poster
Biba20 · 17/01/2021 08:03

Yes they are, and the holidays he goes to are solo travels or visiting friends that live abroad, this is the first time he goes away with a groups of 'lads'. It's a working holidays for all of them because they all work remotely.

OP posts:
Original poster
Biba20 · 17/01/2021 08:04

BackwardsGoing, why are you saying that? What makes you say that?

OP posts:
Original poster
Biba20 · 17/01/2021 08:08

@BackwardsGoing you don't believe people can change?

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Bluntness100 · 17/01/2021 08:09

Clearly if you’re restricted on holidays it’s hugely controlling and unacceptable to tell him he’s not permitted to go either.

The issue here is you don’t trust him. That’s why you don’t want him to go.

You’re not going to keep him faithful by putting a leash on him. That’s not how it works. And he’s going to resent you if you try.

So you either trust him or you are too insecure and can’t. If it’s the latter then you need to end it. Because if you really believed he “loved you deeply” you’d have no worries about him going away.

BackwardsGoing · 17/01/2021 08:13

I think some people can change, but they typically change for themselves, not under duress from someone else.

But there are too, too many issues with this one. Porn sick, work shy, unfaithful, dishonest. You won't get the trust back. You deserve better.

Original poster
Biba20 · 17/01/2021 08:18

@Bluntness100 he can love me deeply but this doesn't change what happened in the past. I have been trying very hard to move on but we are humans and not robots so he can say he loves deeply and that he will stay faithful while away but will power have to be strong and I don't know how his is.

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KatherineJaneway · 17/01/2021 08:22

From what you've posted I'd say you're incompatible.

He's sounds like a workshy shagger, happy to piss about in life. He's telling you he wants marriage and babies to keep you sweet Flowers

Original poster
Biba20 · 17/01/2021 08:29

@BackwardsGoing i understand what you are saying but these are things that he is working towards. He knows that those are all ugly things and that he would be a much better person without. He is trying and I don't want to live in the past. I want to be able to move on from it. I told him what I wamted and what I needed and that I wasn't going to settle for less and that if he was going to come to me, he had to be sure he could and wanted to make me happy. I set my terms, he didn't have to take them. He had the choice of pursuing another life style but he chose me, he chose to come back. So how can I just pull the plug? He has been trying and I should acknowledge that.

OP posts:
Palavah · 17/01/2021 08:37

'these are things he is working towards'
'he is trying'

In what way is he working towards, or trying?

He has 'come back' but has anything really changed?

If someone was 'hard to persuade' to be monogamous to begin with and then cheated on me after 2 years I wouldnt be having them back. I agree he's talking about marriage and babies to keep you sweet.

You're 31. Don't find yourself tied to him and cheated on again at 35 or 40?

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 17/01/2021 08:44

"I have been trying very hard to move on but we are humans and not robots so he can say he loves deeply and that he will stay faithful while away but will power have to be strong and I don't know how his is."

Willpower?! I travel a lot and it doesn't take will power not to cheat on my partner. I just don't because I love my husband.

You are flogging a dead horse here I'm afraid. Why are you settling for him? You'll never be able to trust him, nor should you given his past record.

Itstimetoquit · 17/01/2021 08:44

Why would he go away alone,I think at his age maybe go away once a year with your mates but why are you not invited to the rest?it sounds to me he wants to have his cake and eat it,maybe he does love you but not enough to take you travelling with him?

JorisBonson · 17/01/2021 09:07

It sounds like you have much bigger issues than holidays.

bm2021 · 17/01/2021 09:20

It's not your responsibility to acknowledge him 'trying' to be less of a shit person. You're not his mother. You deserve better.

Moondust001 · 17/01/2021 09:25

I'm sorry, but you need to give this up. He was very clear with you from the beginning - he did not want a monogamous relationship. You convinced yourself that he had changed because that is what you wanted, but he has never changed. He is just telling you what you have said you want to hear. And you are doing it again here - everyone is telling you that if you can't accept this to walk away, and you are refusing to accept that. I honestly don't think he's been dishonest. I think it is you being dishonest in expecting that he will change and give up the life that he wants to lead, and which he has been clearly telling you about, because you don't accept that lifestyle. There is nothing wrong with what you want. But there is nothing wrong with what he wants either. It's just that the two are incompatible.

BackwardsGoing · 17/01/2021 09:30

I wonder why you would "love deeply" a man who has been an utter bastard to you. It doesn't ring true.

In any case you need much more than amorous feeling for someone to build a life with them. You need shared values on money, lifestyle, careers, health, child rearing, family, religion. You need trust, loyalty, fidelity, selflessness, patience. Ideally you need family and friends around you supporting your relationship.

www.elephantjournal.com/2018/09/choose-a-partner-not-a-project/

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/01/2021 09:36

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Why have you currently settled for all this nonsense from him?. He has previously cheated on you, his work ethic was really poor and he has an addiction to porn. Is it because you perhaps think you deserve no better?. You need a partner, not a project or fixer upper to try and improve. Also if there is no trust, there is really no relationship.