Never had an orgasm

[Ohalrightthen]

Was reading a thread about a woman who's partner can't make her come, and started thinking about this...

I've never had an orgasm. Not like they're generally described, like a peak of sensation or a moment of climax or whatever, the whole romance novel "sparks of pure ecstasy" thing...

I get horny, i masturbate, i have excellent enjoyable sex with my husband (and have done with other people before) that leaves me feeling satisfied, but there has never ever been a BOOM moment. I have zero complaints about my sex life, solo or partnered, but sometimes it is very obvious to me that i don't experience sex the way other women do. Or do they? Am i super weird or have romance novels mislead me?

Thanks for posting this.

I'm the same.. with clit stimulation only I can build and build and than just nothing. Yes it's pleasant but feels nothing like how other women explain how an cum.

However there have been times in the past where it's been really deep penetration and I start to develop a really intense feeling of wanting to pass urine (even if I have just been), which makes me panic and change position. I always wondered if that was the start of an involuntary vagina spasm. Has anyone else felt this and pushed past the feeling? X

@StarlightLady

OP, are you focussing on the clitoris? It sound like you may be putting too much effort into sorrounding areas.

I spent most of my sex life sleeping with women, I focus plenty on the clitoris!

@StarlightLady I know you're trying to help, but like a few others, you've missed the point. This is a thread about people who know full well what to do, what they like, who do enjoy sex, but their bodies just build and then we're finished. It's a thread to see how normal it is. And, quite a few women, have confirmed, yes, this happens to others.

Something that makes you tired and bored doesn’t sound much fun TBH.

@borntobequiet

Something that makes you tired and bored doesn’t sound much fun TBH.

It doesn't make me tired and bored, just after 20-30min I'm kinda done with it, if that makes sense? It's not like i give up and move on, it's more like I've eaten my slice of cake, cut myself a sliver more, and put the rest back in the cupboard.

@Ohalrightthen Yes I feel the same, it’s not that I think ‘oh my god this is so boring I’m going to stop’ it’s more like ‘I’ve done enough of this for now and I am very happy.’

But I’m not surprised you’ve had that reaction from some people. Whenever I’ve discussed this with anybody they’ve either acted like I’m a weird asexual alien or shown me such pity you’d think I’d told them I’ve had months to live... even when I stress how much I still love sex! I find it quite patronising to be honest

Yes I know what you mean with the building and building sensation and then nothing. I have this too sometimes. I don’t know why, as nothing is particularly different to the times when I orgasm.

I would not say you are super weird. That's confirmed by a few of the replies. As with many things in life there is wide distribution/range.

My own experience is that if you are unsure you've had an orgasm, then you've not really had one. I was in my 30s my 1st time. Before that I enjoyed sex, get very aroused, etc. But an orgasm was very different.

This book is worth a read: www.amazon.co.uk/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

I can't remember the exact details but depending on the study, it seems that 1/2/3% of woman have primary anorgasmia. They never had an orgasm. But sex therapists (the route I went) claim a very high success rate in addressing it.

And if people can really enjoy sex without an orgasm, that's great! Especially if you can't have one.

I wonder what are the root causes of primary anorgasmia. Of course one obvious reason is "doing it wrong". But after that ... is it Biological? Mental? Upbringing? Abuse?

Regardless I'd imagine it's very difficult situation to be in, both for the person and their partner. Or maybe what you've never had you never miss?

I think you can orgasm but haven't found the right way yet. I would keep trying different styles!

I sometimes have a vanishing orgasm, when it builds up, but just at the moment I expect the "boom", it's gone - I'm back to normal. It's not disappointing, but I have to explain it to the bf, as it doesn't usually end that way.

Otherwise I agree there are different types, some more fun than others. I remember when I was younger honestly feeling as if I'd seen fireworks. Haven't had that for a while, but a good one does feel like a bomb going off - there's a definite peak.

I think people try to give tips on how to have one as they remember their first, and what an eye-opener it was.

I think people tend to project their own experiences onto others, especially as this is unfortunately often considered a taboo topic still, so not everyone is happy to speak openly and therefore a lot of the time people can only go by their own experience.

I did a survey on Mumsnet a little while ago (before I was accused of depravity, and worse - of being a journo and it got pulled) asking about women's ability to orgasm alone or with partners but without use of vibrators, and it came back that 19% of over 500 women would not reliably have an orgasm. (I guess this is different from never having one, but gives an idea of more general experience).

This was actually in-keeping with studies done...eg
___
www.cbsnews.com/news/genetics-and-the-female-orgasm/

"In the study, scientists from St. Thomas' Hospital in London sent questionnaires to 4,037 women who are part of the British twin registry. About half of them were identical twins and half were non-identical twins.

One in three of the women reported never or hardly ever reaching orgasm during intercourse and 21 percent said they hardly, if ever, achieve climax during masturbation. Those figures are consistent with other surveys conducted over the last few decades.

However, the questionnaires revealed a significant genetic influence on the ability to reach orgasm, said lead researcher Tim Spector, a genetic epidemiologist at St. Thomas' Hospital.

The similarity in orgasm experience was greater in identical twins than it was in non-identical twins, Spector said. Because the only difference between the two groups was genetic, the researchers concluded that the gap between the groups was the genetic component.

After taking into account other factors that could influence orgasm, the scientists estimated that 34 percent of the difficulty women face in reaching orgasm during intercourse is due to genes.

Problems in sexual response during masturbation seemed to be more genetically influenced than orgasm ability during intercourse. The study found that 45 percent of the difficulty women have in climaxing during masturbation can be attributed to genetic makeup."

So you can see from that there does seem to be quite a bit of genetic influence in this area.

If you're enjoying yourself, having fun and your partner is considerate and attentive that is absolutely the main thing.

Have you tried lube? I can only orgasm with ky others don't work

@suggestionsplease1

Yay!! 20%. Thank you for sharing

@suggestionsplease1, thanks for posting that. I'm new here and did not see the post.

Are you brave enough to post a survey on AIBU to ask about percentage that never had one? I'm not, still finding my feet :)

I'm sure the posters on this thread would answer. There is a sex board, but it seems very very niche with limited users.

No OP you're not weird.
And also no to romance novels misleading you.
We're all different, for me personally I have 4 or 5 different types of orgasm depending on what I'm doing from mild and gentle to intense fireworks. They all have one thing in common and it's the contraction of the vaginal walls and the feeling of satisfaction and relaxation after.
I don't think people mean to patronise but more want to give their experiences.
I do agree with someone up thread that if you don't know if you've had one then you probably haven't.

Just to add. I have never climaxed when I have taken painkillers in the day. It sort builds and falls flat.. I used to think I had climaxed until it did. When you have had it, you will know.. whether is big one or small. Also, the next day sex has better climaxes or hours later.

[quote HelloILoveYou]@suggestionsplease1, thanks for posting that. I'm new here and did not see the post.

Are you brave enough to post a survey on AIBU to ask about percentage that never had one? I'm not, still finding my feet :)

I'm sure the posters on this thread would answer. There is a sex board, but it seems very very niche with limited users.[/quote]
Probably not - the vitriol from some in my previous thread was a bit of an eye opener

Some people did suggest the sex board for that one, but it's not nearly so well known on Mumsnet and I felt, in addition to the likely lower response rate, it might also result in unrepresentative answers due to the more self-selecting nature of participants - eg. if the sex board happens to attract more people who are experiencing difficulties with orgasm then the results might be artificially high and not reflect the general population. Or it might happen to attract people who tend to orgasm more easily for some reason, and then the result might have been artificially low.

You enjoy it, that's all that matters!

Magic wand - never fails x

@Tairbear

Thanks for posting this.

I'm the same.. with clit stimulation only I can build and build and than just nothing. Yes it's pleasant but feels nothing like how other women explain how an cum.

However there have been times in the past where it's been really deep penetration and I start to develop a really intense feeling of wanting to pass urine (even if I have just been), which makes me panic and change position. I always wondered if that was the start of an involuntary vagina spasm. Has anyone else felt this and pushed past the feeling? X

@Tairbear I am exactly the same. It builds and builds and then I just feel done but no fireworks or peak. And often I feel like I have to pee (even though I’ve just been) and panic and stop or change position. I sometimes think I should try and push through but it’s like a mental block.

I also used to climax easily with clitoral stimulation, but since been taking Setreline , anti depressive, I find that I can't climax. I still find sex enjoyable but just seem to plateau with no release. I presume this is because of my medication but not sure.

I take codeine every day full dosage and it doesn't affect my orgasm strength but anything over one drink will make it take a lot longer and be less intense.

For me it's a strong involuntary spasm as if I'm working my pelvic floor muscles, about 10-15 spasms. This only happens with clit only focus though.

I do know women's orgasms are complex and women can feel very differently. It also seems far more psychological than for men?

As a teen I could organise over and over again in a session but I think I put too much pressure and was too hard with my clit so now its very insensitive. I'm 38 and I've never orgasmed with a partner and not on my own since I was about 17.

A very rare breed.
A teen that can organise!!