I'm sat in tescos car park

[Skullcup]

I have taken myself off out for the evening and just sat in Tescos car park because I can't stand the thought of being at home tonight. I can't believe that it has come to the point where I would sit in a cold dark car on my own than be in my own home.

My marriage is shit. I would say it died after we had kids.it was probably never right. DH has never been one for lavish displays of affection, talking about his feelings etc. But we used to have fun together. Then the kids came and it went to shit. I would say I grew up, he didn't. He would say I changed into a nagging housewife. He is always miserable, never happy, always moaning about something. I don't actually believe he enjoys spending time with the family. He just always looks so miserable. Never wants to talk. But he's always happy to sit and talk to his friends ok tne xbox all night.

He came in from work with a face of thunder tonight, sulking around. I ask once what's wrong, get told everything is fine, just tired. But he is looking at me like I am a piece of shit on his shoe. I just couldn't bare the thought of another night sitting there alone with no one to talk to while he either sits with his head in his phone, or goes to bed early. If I went upstairs to read, he would happily sit on xbox talking to friends all night. Keeping me awake.

If we didn't have the kids, I would leave. We can't afford to run two households. He would want the kids 50/50 and I don't want to miss out on that time with them. I hate my life. I hate that the one fucking person who is meant to care about me doesn't give a shit.

I don't want to go home.

Gosh that’s hard and will have a huge toll on your well-being
People do split up,they manage,it’s not easy but it happens
You don’t need to stay in an unhappy marriage, it’s not good for you or the children

No one likes the thought of seeing their kids half the time. Wouldn’t that be better than what you’re living like now

You are putting false obstacles in your way.

Children do better with 50% of a happy parent than 100% of a miserable parent. Yours could have both of you happy but separate.

I suspect you can't imagine not having them 50% of the time because they seem like the only good thing about your life and marriage. When you have a nice normal happy life you'll likely be fine with them having a lovely time with dad while you are off doing whatever you like.

Furthermore, you are effectively blaming the children for you having your life wrecked. That's what my parents did. They will talk of how proud they are they stayed together for the sake of the children until I was an adult. Bastards. I lived in a big house and parents could afford music lessons and such like. My youngest sibling was 12 when they split. He lived in a tiny flat in a worse location with no expensive hobbies. He readily acknowledges that his childhood was immeasurably better than of the older children. It makes me jealous and angry. A nice atmosphere is far more important to children's well-being than stuff.

I know exactly how you feel. It was hard when me and dh split but I was definitely happier. I felt lighter

We have tried recently to make it work again but it’s not (that’s another story)

Stay strong and do what you need to to be happy. I stayed for years because I was worried about how it would effect the kids but they were much happier too

I feel your pain so much.
I'm in exactly the same situation. My husband has been verbally abusive at times towards me and I've lived treading on egg shells for years. He now blames he's miserable attitude on deep dark depression where as really, it's just the way he actually is. His family are all like it. Cup is always half empty.
Weve been together 10 years and have a 2 year old son.

I've stayed with him putting up with his shit purely because I didn't want to miss out on time and special moments having to share my son with him.
But I have finally made the move in asking him for space and I'm now living with my mum for the time being. He is now begging me back, promising he will change, having councilling and I'm desperately trying to decide whether or not I can forgive him and give it another go or if to finally walk away.
The prospect of being alone and sharing my son with him is nowhere near as daunting or scary now as the idea of staying with him and putting up with his shit anymore.
X

What do you get out of this relationship now?. You get nothing out of this marriage except abuse from your husband.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Would you want them to have a marriage like this, no you would not. Would you advise them to stay for their kids?. Stop showing them that this is still acceptable to you on some level because it is not. You’ve been reduced to now sitting in your car at a Tesco’s car park, never do this again to yourself and in turn them.

Do not ever use these children as a reason to stay with such a man. Do not put that heavy burden on your children, the knowledge you stayed because of them because they will know and will not thank you for doing that to them. One day too they will leave home and if you are fool enough to have stayed with him they won’t want to see you or their dad all that often if at all. They could also call you daft for staying as well as accusing you of putting him before them.

Show them now that you will not be cowed further and start to rebuild your life without him in it day to day via the divorce process. Show them good relationship lessons rather than this frankly shit model of a relationship.

He cannot be bothered with his children and seems more concerned about his friends and the x box. Do you really think that such a man would actually want 50% of the week with his children?. No not really and would probably demand that of you or try that on to avoid paying child maintenance. He could certainly use his children as punishment here to you for having the utter cheek to leave him because he regards himself as a perfect specimen of maleness.

Speak to a solicitor ASAP next week along with contacting Women’s Aid as they can also help here. You have a choice re this man, they do not.

MC

Do not fall for his weasel words, he has not changed an iota since you left and he only wants you back so he can get you to do all the work indoors and abuse you like he did previously. They all say such, it’s a script such entitled abusive men use as an attempt to regain power and control over their target, in this case you and in turn your son. What do you want to teach him about relationships?.

Look also at the Freedom Programme, you can do this online. Talking to both Women’s Aid and The Rights of Women organisations could go help you no end also.

The kids will thank you for a happy childhood so you both either need to find a way for this to work, counselling or whatever, or split. You all deserve to be happy and have nice lives, whether it's together or separately.

You don't want to split their time with DH if you split, but staying means the kids will miss so much of the fun of childhood because they'll be treading on eggshells around you and DH. They won't thank you for that when they are older and either think it's normal or resent you for it.

I don't mean this to sound so harsh but I just want you to see a different perspective on it all. You've recognised that change needs to happen and have taken the first steps tonight, now you need to make a plan for the next steps

Please do think about leaving. My sister stayed for the sake of the children, so was 49 by the time they separated. Two years after she is so much happier and just wishes she hadn’t wasted 10 years of her life in an unhappy marriage. Her DC are in their early twenties DC have told her they wished they’d left years ago as they knew their mum was not happy.

I have been there OP. In the car park too. When I finally went home ex laughed in my face.

Kids pick up on a toxic environment much more that we think they do. I'm divorced now and so much happier because of it.

Please have a think about what is best for you, which is ultimately best for the DC.

@Skullcup I could have written so much of your post, right down to feeling like a piece of shit on his shoe. That’s reminds me of an incident involving shit where he traipsed it through the house and it was apparently my fault because he’d been helping me at the time. I used to go for drives just to get away from him. I’ve spent many an occasion bawling my eyes out in the car.
Like you I don’t want to end up with 50:50 custody of the dc. I have zero faith in his ability to meet their needs in particular their emotional needs

The you seem to be making this worse for kids. I work office hours wfh at moment 2 kids age 6 and 11. Husband comes in like this daily after a long drive. Goes to kitchen and has his ecig and watches football and has a beer. Says hi kids and gives them sweets. Give him an hour to come round. Then ask how his day was etc. I then talk to kids and bath them etc. Currently I'm in Bath hes in kitchen with a drink watching crap on his phone. One child on roblox other watching Harry Potter in her room. I think your expecting to much

You feel stuck, with no way out of the situation and nobody to voice your concerns to.

I have no advice I feel exactly the same as you, you need to think of the future. Things seem worse at the moment with the bad weather and nothing to do during lockdown, try to think about the summer time, sitting in the garden when it’s boiling hot or going to watch a movie. Maybe you could write some ideas of things to do later in the year to cheer yourself up?

I’m not going to tell you to LTB because I know how hard it is when you have no money and the thought of not seeing children everyday is heartbreaking.

I find it disturbing the number of women married to men who have reverted (?) back to be incels. Playing computer games after having children? Do men enjoy their virginity growing back?

I know how you feel. I did the exact same thing - went and sat in a car park for hours and hours instead of going home to my husband. To everyone else, he was Mr Helpful, jolly, convivial. To me he was sullen and controlling. I was a nag, joyless and beaten down.

I couldn't see a way out, I thought I had to hang in there as we had 3 kids under 2 at the time (twins).

But, after sticking it for another year that nearly broke me, I bit the bullet and ended it.

It's been hard, very hard but the kids have a good life and so do I. That was 12 years ago and I can honestly say it's the best decision I ever made.

I hope you find a solution.

I don't understand these men who have zero relationships with their children, but still want 50/50. Do they really??

Just leave him.

op
There will be a way out, you just need to find it
I know things are really tricky at the moment with covid but can you start to make a plan. It sounds like you are not working?? Do you have qualifications? Can you use some time to get some?

Can you also start to mentally disengage. Focus on finding things that make you feel happy, things that can help you rebuild your life. I’m sorry things are so shit fir you right now

For me, it was hiding behind the shed crying. Truth is you are now ready to leave, it's just figuring out the best way. If he's so engrossed in the xbox I doubt in the end he will want the total responsibility 50/50 brings. Or if he does go for it, he will be forced off the x box into interacting with his kids.

@OldWomanSaysThis

I don't understand these men who have zero relationships with their children, but still want 50/50. Do they really??

In a large number of cases it’s about control or being seen to be a good parent.

He won’t want 50/50, it would interfere with his x box (is he 5?!) too much.

Would you rather have a miserable next 20 years til the dc are gone? Do you really think they won’t notice that you’re raising them single handedly? Kids aren’t stupid, look at what pp say about their dc telling them they wish mum had left years earlier, they knew she wasn’t happy. Why martyr yourself? I bet you the dc would be happier with you at home without him. He’s adding fuck all to their lives.

I really feel for you, OP. My (hopefully) STBXH is eerily similar.

He's been WFH since the start of the first lockdown, which hasn't helped, and it's REALLY highlighted the stark differences between us. Like your H, all he cares about is online gaming with his arsehole mates. He's a joyless, miserable emotional drain, who seems to think his "grumpy old man" demeanour is endearing (he's only 44!).

We have 2 DC. He's never wanted to take them anywhere, do anything with them etc. Even just going for a walk, he'll be glued to his fucking phone like an overgrown teenager.

I was made redundant thanks to Covid, so I've got no way of moving out at the moment. Savings have been sucked up because of this. All STBXH does is whine and moan about money.

He's also convinced that the DC should live with him. He's frankly a shit parent, in so many ways - he shouts at them constantly, leaves them glued to screens all day if I'm not there, barely engages with them.

OP, you know you'll be better off without him, same as I know I'll be a million times happier without the massive manbaby I stupidly married. Wishing you all the best in breaking free

I swear I put paragraphs in that 🙄

@OldWomanSaysThis

I don't understand these men who have zero relationships with their children, but still want 50/50. Do they really??

No. If my ex sees the DC once every 2 months it's a lot. And that's for a weekend or just overnight. So much for 50/50. He's far too busy with the ow's handful of children....

@Skullcup
I feel terrible for you, please start to make plans, even if it's only on paper (in code) or on the memo of your phone. It will be an early Spring this year, as Lent starts at the end of February after the Spring Equinox, therefore daylight should be back again soon, hang on in there.
Also what @Rainbowqueeen said, with bells on.
Please go home and start to detach, disengage, for your own state of mind. I hope things improve for you. It may take up to 3 years planning, but you will start to feel happier when Plan B becomes Plan A.