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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Facebook message....

46 replies

NC34567 · 16/01/2021 17:06

NC as could be outing.

DP received a FB message from his ex this morning (split up about 9 months ago and they were together about a year). The message was a screenshot of a FB post from a year ago (nothing sentimental) and just said "made me chuckle. Hope you're okay". I said it seemed fairly innocent message and I didn't mind if he replied (not that I was giving him permission or anything). He got really annoyed about that and said I was naive for thinking it was innocent and it was strange that I didn't mind him replying. He acted like I was telling him to go and have sex with her.

Anyway, my question is am I naive and strange??

OP posts:
merryhouse · 16/01/2021 17:17

Your new boyfriend appears to think that exes have to be ignored.

Which brings up two things: if he ever starts talking to an ex, you should be suspicious; and (the vastly more important one) if you ever start chatting to an ex he will be an absolute nightmare.

I don't think you're strange, but if you don't give serious reconsideration to the relationship in the light of this new information I'll think you decidedly naive.

Original poster
NC34567 · 16/01/2021 17:18

Also, for context I'm 34, he's 33 and she's 24 (you'd think I was 15 by my message).

OP posts:
FippertyGibbett · 16/01/2021 17:19

I think his ex is fishing to see if he’s up for it or not. I’d be very wary.

Original poster
NC34567 · 16/01/2021 17:19

@merryhouse thank you. Yes he's given me a hard time all day today and I just keep thinking this is a bit OTT. I tried to explain that obviously if her messages were suggestive I wouldn't be happy but it seemed really innocent to me. Thanks again.

OP posts:
Original poster
NC34567 · 16/01/2021 17:20

@FippertyGibbett oh really? I guess that's his point.

OP posts:
seensome · 16/01/2021 17:33

Most ex's would only get in touch if fishing
I think you are a little naive, at least you've got a good man.

Nyctophyllia · 16/01/2021 17:43

She's totally fishing, I don't know you can't see that, she's trying to open up a dialogue and you gave him permission to go right ahead...he's right

Nyctophyllia · 16/01/2021 17:46

.

Facebook message....
Bubbles1st · 16/01/2021 17:52

If an Ex messaged you he clearly wouldn't want you communicating with them, which I think is fair and he wants you to want the same

ChesterDraws4Sale · 16/01/2021 17:58

I’m in contact with several exes. I think that message sounds perfectly normal. Just because you’ve moved on relationship wise doesn’t mean you can’t be friendly. I’d be a bit worried about someone who wasn’t on speaking terms with any of their exes - why, how badly did they behave, will they do the same again?

Original poster
NC34567 · 16/01/2021 18:01

Thank you! I feel a bit stupid now 🙈. I'm the sort of person that sees the best in every one, until proven otherwise. Couldn't understand why he'd got annoyed by me being okay with it and he's brought it up about 10 times today.

OP posts:
Original poster
NC34567 · 16/01/2021 18:03

@ChesterDraws4Sale thank you. That's kind of my thinking, if there's no feelings there and it's just friendly messages what's the issue. Thankfully I'm only in contact with 1 ex (we have a DC together) and he's a knob so we definitely don't message about anything other than about our child.

OP posts:
gannett · 16/01/2021 18:05

I think it's a bit weird that he's SO annoyed with you. Maybe he has reason to think you're wrong - he knows her better than you - but what you said isn't anything to take offence at.

Did they have a bad break-up? Sounds like it's hearing from her again that's got him in a bad mood.

Original poster
NC34567 · 16/01/2021 18:08

@gannett oh thank you. That's what's driving me nuts today. I don't understand his annoyance with me. And I last messaged a few hours ago saying it was a non issue, just don't reply to her then.

Yes, I believe they did have a bad break up. She dumped him pretty out of the blue and was pretty brutal about it. I think it did hurt him badly.

OP posts:
gannett · 16/01/2021 18:12

Oh then it's completely normal that he's feeling a bit shaken up and that your casual comment didn't go down too well. "Oh, she's OK, you can get back in touch with her" isn't what you want to hear about someone who caused you pain in the past!

Original poster
NC34567 · 16/01/2021 18:14

@gannett yeah that's a fair point. He has mentioned her messaging really casually, more as a "I thought you should know...". I didn't even think that my response had been insensitive. Thank you.

OP posts:
MrsSmith2021 · 16/01/2021 18:15

Sounds like he wants you to be jealous and insecure. Hmm

gannett · 16/01/2021 18:20

OP I don't think your response was particularly insensitive without the backstory but I think if my DP had been contacted out of the blue by an ex who had hurt him I'd just ask if he was OK. It doesn't feel nice to have unwanted people pop back up years later, a lot of emotions you thought you'd dealt with come flooding back.

Original poster
NC34567 · 16/01/2021 18:23

@gannett I hadn't even considered it if I'm honest. I really appreciate that as that helps to explain why he's been in such a shite mood all day. Wished he'd said that though rather than just banging on about me being naive.

@MrsSmith2021 I did consider that but then I feel like he'd have probably made the message out to be way more than just the message she sent. I'm not an insecure person nor jealous (my ex cheated on me a mountain of times so I've come to the conclusion that if someone is going to cheat, then that's what they'll do).

OP posts:
Bourbonbiccy · 16/01/2021 18:25

Don't change OP.
You saying you are not bothered if he messages her back is a normal response. Why would you get all Het up about it, if you trust him where's the problem. If she tried anything it's on him to turn her down.

I never wasted energy on all that rubbish of "the ex is trying to get back with him", let her try, if he goes, more fool him.

Bourbonbiccy · 16/01/2021 18:28

Oh and all this "jealousy shows me how much you care" bullsh!t, is exactly that bullsh't. If he believes that it would be a non starter for me.

Littleideasbigbook · 16/01/2021 18:29

Totally fishing. I am not 'friends' with exes and tell any partners I am with that I won't do 'friends' with people if we were to split up. I don't like blurred boundaries or encouragimg people who are potentially still attracted to you. It isn't fair on them or new partners and sometimes it isn't safe.

I have loads of good friends of both sexes (who I haven't had sex with to blur things) I don't start friendships based on attraction, I start relationships. Friendships I start because of mutual interests and connection. I think there is always an imbalance if you have previously been in a relationship and learnt this the hard way (I stayed friends with an ex at university and he ended up stalking me).

Original poster
NC34567 · 16/01/2021 18:29

@Bourbonbiccy thank you! I've never been one to be bothered by stuff like that. Like I said above, if someone is going to cheat then that's what they'll do 🤷.

OP posts:
gannett · 16/01/2021 18:34

Wished he'd said that though rather than just banging on about me being naive.

Some men are really very shit at admitting when they feel sad or vulnerable!

Original poster
NC34567 · 16/01/2021 18:40

@Littleideasbigbook thank you. People are very much split on this haha. I guess it could have been fishing, but I'd hope that if that was what it was he'd shut the conversation down. I mean he could meet someone of the opposite sex any time (not now during lockdown obviously) and then the conversation could turn suggestive and I'd still hope that he would just shut it down.

OP posts: