Lone parents and dating?

[Givemeabreak88]

How do other lone parents manage dating? As in you have your children full time (not spending time with their father)? Not thinking about now but for the future.. don’t want to be alone forever

How old are your children?

I have only just started dating over lockdown so not a huge amount of advice (although as you can’t go anywhere you can go on virtual dates with worrying about getting a babysitter).

If you also date someone with children then they are more likely to be understanding. Have you got anyone who could babysit if you had a date? If your children go to school or nursery you could also arrange daytime dates in that time if you were able to get some time off.

I’m not thinking about dating just yet as tbh dating atm sounds really awkward to me 🤣 more maybe in a year or so, my youngest is 3 but have been single since pregnant so 4 years, I’m probably going to sound selfish but I would probably prefer someone without children though I know that may be hard to find though! I wouldn’t want to date till things were back to normal which by that point they should all be at school.

I'm not a lone parent but I have some suggestions if this helps.

You might get talking to someone who works shifts not a Monday to Friday job and they may meet for a coffee while the kids are at school, always be open minded to who may fit in for you.
Is there a family member or a teen that you can trust to babysit?
Babysitting agencies, expensive but it's an option.
When you get to know someone better, Prehaps they could come round after your son is in bed and talk downstairs.

Start with 'coffee dates'/ lunch dates during the day while the kids are at school. That's often better than an evening date anyway - just seems like less pressure, and it gives you a get out clause/fixed end time - need to meet the kids out of school. Then when you've met someone you click with and want to go further, it makes the cost of babysitters for evening dates more justifiable.

The flipside of lunch dates is that it's often difficult to create the spark/show it/flirt, and it often just seems like meeting up with a friend.

I don't know why you'd prefer to meet someone without kids of their own? As PP said, they're far more likely to be understanding of your responsibilities as a parent.

I've been single since my kids were babies. I started dating when they were 2 years old but I'm not really someone to go out loads. I did some online dating and have a family member who has them. I went on 9 dates in 3 years and have been with this last person for 7 months now. My partner hasn't got kids but probably an even busier life!

I’m in this situation and over summer (when Covid allowed) I’d do daytime coffee, walk dates. Worked well for me. 2 of these guys became a little more so they come over for the evening once a week after son was in bed. They’d never stay over though.

It is doable but takes some juggling.

I don't know why you'd prefer to meet someone without kids of their own? As PP said, they're far more likely to be understanding of your responsibilities as a parent.

I have 4 of my own so if I’m being honest I don’t want to throw anymore into the mix! I know the chances of finding someone without are slim though... men are normally the nrp anyway so I’m not sure how more understanding they would be anyway

Eesha
Promising to hear you met someone without kids!

I don’t really have babysitters so that’s not really an option so lunch time dates sound like the best way to go

@Givemeabreak88 i would say the issue is he does want his own kids. We are both mid 40s and I don't want more. He should really find someone younger to have kids with so there may be heartbreak ahead!

Eesha that would be one of the downsides to a childless man!

I heard it’s best not to mention on your profile you have children as it can attract the “wrong ones” ? I was thinking of mentioning it within a few messages..

Yeh, to begin with I tried dating fathers who'd understand. Ha. They were all feeling hard done by though which was such a turn off. One had to give a third of his pension to his xw to eQUALise their pensions and he was raging about that even though his xw had stayed home to raise their children. It was in the end such a turn off. Another thought he was an expert on autism, we both had a dc with autism but he thought he was the expert and rolled his eyes at me a few times because I told him that he was an expert on his own son not an expert on autism.

It's over now (thanks covid) but the relationship I had that worked the best, he had no kids.

@Givemeabreak88 I remember my DC were between 9 and 12 when I tried

ooh sorry, when I tried OLD and I sometimes answered the question ''what ages are your kids'' but if I was asked if they were girls or boys I felt uncomfortable and changed the subject.

Yeh tbh I don’t want any dramas with exes either if I’m being totally honest! My ex is absent so there is no drama here so I don’t really want to have to deal with someone who claims to have a nightmare ex , though that is always a red flag anyway

No I meant that I’ve heard men target single mums to get access to children 😟 I wouldn’t hide it I would mention it within a few messages but I don’t like the thought of advertising it on my problem for that reason

Certain men obviously not all*

By all means don't mention you have children in your profile but when you mention it in messages and you find blokes stop talking to you as they are not interested in that future lifestyle especially men without kids you may come back on here wondering why blokes keep turning you down and your be wasting both there's and yours time.
Best be honest from the start and then can at least get the right man from the start, 99.9% of single blokes don't want to be getting involved with someone else's children and the lifestyle it entails it takes all the fun out of dating having to try and organise your lifestyle around someone else's childcare arrangements, but it depends how old you are as well if in 40s you might have more luck, but in 20s and 30s then there are still plenty of childless women out there who childless blokes would much rather date due to the less hassle and they would be at the same life stage as them selves to go out and have fun without responsibility or commitments which kids bring to a relationship and also playing step dad is a big responsibility as well which really not for everyone. Sorry to seem to glam but that is the reality I'm afraid you will probs get a few who say they've had no problems at all but there will be a million who wish they never got involved with someone else's step children.

Yes of course I would understand if someone wasn’t interested when I told them, I’ve just always heard it’s not a good idea to mention it for safe guarding reasons, I would completely understand if someone wouldn’t want to date me after I mentioned I had children. But my priority is making sure men don’t target me because I have children which does happen, and I’m in my 30s most women I know in their 30s have children I can’t think of many I know that don’t!

Hmmm I feel like that OP. I just have DS. But from a past experience it is hard to explain to someone who doesn’t have children simple basic things that may be obvious but yet to them they are not.

So I know why other posters are saying it’s easier to meet a man with a child/children.

I personally don’t think the child thing is an issue. Just tick the ‘has children’ box and don’t give out any more info or let strange men meet them. If anybody asks, just brush over it. If they ask again and it makes you uncomfortable, move on.

I’ve chatted to a lot of men online and not once has it been apparent they were trying to get at my son

Lone parent to ds aged 8... it's tough!
I have no family close by for babysitting, elder dd now 17 has baby sat for me last couple of years (reluctantly). Obviously this doesn't allow a full night away let alone anything lovely like a weekend away..
Ds is quite clingy too, he doesn't even like it if I have the rare girls night out with friends let alone with a man.. I've all but given up looking it just isn't worth the guilt when I'm out.. just means I can't relax & enjoy the date. However if I had my mum nearby I'd have no hesitation in having more of a life (post Covid) both her & ds would be happy to spend time together. By the time he's old enough to be left for an evening date I'll be early 50's & doubt I'd want to be looking then but you never know.
It was definitely easier before he was born eldest saw her dad regularly & I loved my weekend bit of freedom, ds's dad dumped me while I was pregnant so I knew I would be going it alone didn't quite appreciate how isolating lone parenting was going to be.
If you have support & good babysitter's then there's no reason why you can't date as long as they understand it's tricky to be spontaneous.

My mum lives 10 minutes from me but she would never have all 4, most she has is 2 maximum but mainly just one.

I can see why it would be easier in some ways dating a man with children however I already have 4 of my own so don’t really want to have to factor someone else’s children in as tbh I would wonder when we would ever see each other then! As for being more understanding most men I’ve known who are single dads only see their kids every other weekend so they have no idea what it’s like to have your children full time, I don’t personally know any full time dads or dads that are even 50/50

Be smart with your time, I arranged dates for my lunch hour and near my place of work, he also knew I was time limited so knew it would be a quick drink rather than a proper lunch.

Keep free time for you as well, in the first 3/4 months I was giving all of my free time to dating which was knackering.

If you like someone and find yourself going on multiple dates with them be upfront about how often you can see them, it removes pressure from you and it means if they aren’t willing to compromise you have less time wasted with someone who isn’t suited to you.

I used an agency instead of online dating as I didn’t think it would suit me, it was also less time consuming and better at vetting weirdos.