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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH depression after head injury

48 replies

CargoBobbie · 16/01/2021 11:39

I'll try and keep this as brief as possible.

DH & I have 2 DD (1&3) and I have 1 DD9 from a previous relationship.

Back in June, DH lost his job due to covid. He decided at this point he would stop working and retrain in web development at home. We had enough savings to last us a year so I was happy for him to do this.
He also starting trading crypto currency.

Everything was going great until august when he had a freak accident at home. He ended up in hospital with a fractured skull and bleeding on the brain. Thankfully, not severe enough to operate but of course absolutely terrifying that it could have killed him.

The depression hit him about 5 days after he come home from the hospital. He was very tearful, couldn't think straight, confused and very frustrated.
He tried to go straight back into his work but was very upset that he was finding it impossible. Along with the crypto trading, he felt he was making stupid decisions all the time and this was causing him significant stress because he was losing money.

This is still happening but seems to be only getting worse. His work has improved although he realises its taking him longer than before the accident but it's the trading that's getting him the most.
Constantly complaining to me about how stupid he is, how he can't do it.
We realised he had basically developed a gambling addiction so he has cut himself off and felt better for around 24 hours.
Until he transferred these feelings onto buying and selling coins so now we're back in the same position.
He speaks to me about nothing else, otherwise he's on his computer with his headphones on.

In December I started working to keep the savings topped up, so I finish at 2 and take over with the children so he can work upstairs. Just unfortunately, I have to start work at 6am but I am up most nights until 12/1am trying to calm him down and talk him round. You can imagine the toll this is taking on my own mental health. I'm exhausted.

Now we're at the point where the depression has got so bad that he is having suicidal thoughts. He feels he is trapped, he can't take his money out but he keeps failing and losing money anyway.
No matter what I say makes no difference. He is angry, he is taking the stress of everything on his own shoulders and forgets that there is two of us, not just him.
He is gutted at the thought of having to go back to his old work because he feels like he has wasted the past (almost) year but conflicted with the fact that we will very quickly need more money coming in again.

I don't know what to do or how to help him. He won't seek therapy because he says we can't afford it.
It's breaking my heart and I don't know where to turn.
I only have my Dad who is busy with his own life and his family are in Poland.

I just hope for some advice on how I can get him through this.
Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
CargoBobbie · 16/01/2021 11:42

Sorry, I should add that he has transferred quite a big amount that he has "won" back to our bank to keep us going for a little while longer but now constantly questioning himself whether that was the right decision or not because he could have done more with it Sad

OP posts:
UndyingDeathdefying · 16/01/2021 11:44

I would go back to the doctor about the injury

CargoBobbie · 16/01/2021 11:46

Really? Is this too long?

OP posts:
Bargebill19 · 16/01/2021 11:48

As pp says go back to his DR. Also look at the headway charity.
Good luck.

CargoBobbie · 16/01/2021 11:48

Thank you both.

OP posts:
DottyWott · 16/01/2021 11:49

Yes he needs professional support to deal with his trauma and post injury effects

N0tfinished · 16/01/2021 11:50

It doesn't sound like he is thinking rationally. I think he needs an urgent review on his head injury. I certainly wouldn't risk your financial security by supporting this behavior. Would he cooperate if you asked him to stop the online trading?

CargoBobbie · 16/01/2021 11:52

@N0tfinished

It doesn't sound like he is thinking rationally. I think he needs an urgent review on his head injury. I certainly wouldn't risk your financial security by supporting this behavior. Would he cooperate if you asked him to stop the online trading?
I tried to say this to him last night and he got angry with me about it. I know it's because he's knows I'm right but he doesn't want to admit that he's really screwed this up.

I will make an appointment at the doctors. I'm annoyed at myself that I didn't realise this sooner.
Thank you all.

OP posts:
Imiss2019 · 16/01/2021 11:52

Even a small TBI can have a dramatic impact both short and long term. Please go back to your doctor and I second contacting Headway for advice

CargoBobbie · 16/01/2021 11:53

@Imiss2019

Even a small TBI can have a dramatic impact both short and long term. Please go back to your doctor and I second contacting Headway for advice
I'm just on their website now.

He's ticking all boxes. How didn't I realise this sooner? Sad

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 16/01/2021 11:54

It takes a long time to recover from a head injury. At least a year. He needs professional support, rest and rehab. He shouldn't be making any financial decisions atm.
He should seek advice about financial help during his rehab, he may be entitled to some state help.
A fractured skull is a serious injury.
My dc had a head injury, no fracture but delayed concussion. They were off school for 5 months and took a full year to get back to anything like normal.

Imiss2019 · 16/01/2021 11:57

To be fair to yourself why would you? Most people wouldn’t be. I’ve worked with brain injury services it’s fascinating and quite shocking to see just how it impacts people physically and emotionally.
Many minor TBI’s go undetected or diagnosed.

UndyingDeathdefying · 16/01/2021 11:57

“How didn't I realise this sooner? ‘

Because it’s different when it happens to you

N0tfinished · 16/01/2021 11:59

Can you ring ahead to doctor & let him/her know about the irrational behavior? He could appear very plausible in the appointment & dr mightn't be able to see it clearly.

Best of luck x

NothingIsWrong · 16/01/2021 12:00

My husband was in a car accident a while back and had a minor head injury. So we thought. He was eventually diagnosed with post concussion syndrome and it took a good year to subside.

CargoBobbie · 16/01/2021 12:25

I've just tried to speak to him about it and he's still repeating himself that it's just because he's a "nob" and he's doesn't know what he's doing.

That's interesting about financial help though, this I will mention to him.

I can see that it's not going in what I'm saying to him. I'm just making him more annoyed.
I will make some calls myself. He can't go on like this.

OP posts:
DottyWott · 16/01/2021 12:30

Good luck OP, please don’t beat yourself up in any way! When you are in the thick of it it’s hard to be objective

CargoBobbie · 16/01/2021 12:48

@DottyWott

Good luck OP, please don’t beat yourself up in any way! When you are in the thick of it it’s hard to be objective
Thank you Thanks

I've convinced him to go to the doctor so that's a start. He's lost 20kg, maybe more, in the past 2 months. I'm so worried about him. I've never dealt with anything like this before.

OP posts:
Wherearemymarbles · 16/01/2021 13:24

I’ve know 2 people with head injuries,
My sister and one of my best friends. In both cases post recovery they were slightly but very noticeably different people.

My mum and sisters have always said dsis hasnt been quite the same as she was before her accident 25 years ago. My friend also changed.

So contact the organisations above. All this is probably linked to the accident rather than depression etc.

Bargebill19 · 16/01/2021 13:26

@DottyWott

Good luck OP, please don’t beat yourself up in any way! When you are in the thick of it it’s hard to be objective
Dotty is spot on. You are not able to see things clearly as you are right in the center of the storm. Get help from your GP and ask for a referral to specialist help, if available. Headway should be able to help, and you know that they are very experienced in this area. Lastly - don’t be frightened to ask your own GP for help for yourself, whether that’s for medication or to signposted to a therapist. You can’t help your husband unless you look after yourself too.
CargoBobbie · 16/01/2021 13:27

@Wherearemymarbles

I’ve know 2 people with head injuries, My sister and one of my best friends. In both cases post recovery they were slightly but very noticeably different people.

My mum and sisters have always said dsis hasnt been quite the same as she was before her accident 25 years ago. My friend also changed.

So contact the organisations above. All this is probably linked to the accident rather than depression etc.

Thanks for replying.

I've been reading about the same that it can completely change a person. It's scary how life can change so quick.

I will contact Headway on Monday and also the doctor. Small steps but it's something.
I really appreciate all the help, thank you!

OP posts:
CargoBobbie · 16/01/2021 13:29

Thank you @Bargebill19. It's so easy to forget about yourself when you're trying to "save" someone else.
I used to see a therapist regularly but I've been in such a good place for so long. I am scared that this will break me too.
Thankfully I have some tools I can use to keep my anxiety levels low but if I feel bad again I will definitely seek help.

OP posts:
IncludeWomenInTheSequel · 16/01/2021 13:30

Would he sit down with you to look at the website, so you can illustrate that it's not him, it's what happened to him, that is making things difficult?

Embracelife · 16/01/2021 13:31

Unless you are a psyc hologist or trained mh prifessiknal then you cannot help him
He needs professional help
Look at post concussion syndrome

He has to seek professional help

Or go elsewhere

CargoBobbie · 16/01/2021 13:41

@IncludeWomenInTheSequel

Would he sit down with you to look at the website, so you can illustrate that it's not him, it's what happened to him, that is making things difficult?
I did that, I sat him down and read out all of the symptoms from the headway website. He agreed that that's everything he feels right now which is why he's agreed to see the doctor.
OP posts:
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