Is SIL right?

[samanthawashington]

Never been friends with SIL but always pleasant when we meet up socially. She was always the favourite of the family, but DH is by far the better person imo.

So, she works as a nurse in the NHS. DH also NHS worker and I am an ICU nurse. I also have a severely disabled DD who is 13. I have worked part time and cared for DD and 6 yo DS up until the pandemic started and schools closed. DH and I juggle school with family help plus 101 appointments/operations/treatments for DD.

I am an anxious person and had PTSD since DDs traumatic birth and subsequent diagnosis of cerebral palsy. Lots of fighting for schooling, equipment, transport and on and on. Anyone who knows disability parenting will get this.

At the start of the pandemic I went off sick (first time) with stress. Both kids at home all day. Home schooling. DD became acutely unwell and was in hospital 5 weeks, 2 on ICU. Multiple hospital stays, investigations, a major operation (again) and still not fully recovered. At this time DH also went off sick as DD had to be shielded. I've been off nearly a full year and will start back to work in Feb. DH is now back working. Both kids now home because of covid.

My SIL has made several sarky remarks about how she has carried on working and 'some people' have opted out, and asking when I am going back because I've had enough holiday time, and similar nasty comments. To me and on SM. I feel guilty because my colleagues have been through the mill, but I know I couldn't have coped mentally or physically with DD so unwell and needing so much care. She is totally dependent on us 24/7 and can do nothing for herself.

How do I deal with this and not cause a family rift.

Oh sil are you offering to give 24/7 care to dd so I can return to work? . That's very generous of you, here is the schedule I have been following for 11 months ... And stare at her the whole time...

SIL is not right, in my opinion. Can you mute her on SM so you do not hear her remarks?

asking when I am going back

Just say, ‘I’m going back in February-I’m sure you know that’ (presuming she did?).

You wouldn’t be causing the family rift, she would.
Tell her to stop with her passive aggressive remarks or you want nothing more to do with her.
Or tell your DH to deal with her.

Jesus...

If this was my SiL I would just look at her directly, or say this online.

"What the fuck has this got to do with you? Wind your neck in."

Tell her straight. Ask her if she would treat someone else with a physical health issue the same way?

@TwentyTwentyOne

Jesus...

If this was my SiL I would just look at her directly, or say this online.

"What the fuck has this got to do with you? Wind your neck in."

Damned straight!

Your SIL is the kind of person “Oh DO fuck off dear” was invented for.

Tbh you sound as bad as each other with the comment sil is the favourite but dh is the better person. Doesn't make you come across very well and makes me think there's more to this story.

She is so far wrong if I believed in hell I'd be saying she had a guaranteed entrance ticket.
Your DD was sick enough to be in ICU for two weeks and she thinks what? you should have been going to work then.. leaving your 6 yr old DS alone I presume? Would he be doing the hoovering and putting on the dinner for your return?
Block her unapologetically on all social media, your phone, email and look through her the next time she tries to speak to you in person.
My friends DS has CP, he is not severely disabled, but he is also 13 and already three times in his life she has been in hospital with him having been told he might not survive.
She hasn't worked since the pandemic began either because like most mothers she will do everything she can to protect her child.
You did nothing wrong and I'm really glad to hear your DD is home with you again.
Mind yourself, I'm a grown woman who was an ICU patient last year and my DM still hasn't fully recovered from the stress of it.

I have to agree with @Teardrop2021. You called your Dh the "better person", that's quite an odd thing to say.

Do you and your SIL have previous?

I'd just block her.

If family ask tell the truth, that you and DH have struggled with working and looking after DC especially with DD1 being so ill. That you don't want to see barb comments about working/not working.

SIL is an insensitive dick!

To work any kind of job & care for a disabled child is a bloody marvellous achievement.. (Late dd was severely disabled, passed away aged 2).. there was no way I could have even considered working at least until she was at school & even then it's hard because of appointments & absence. I often think of the fear I would be feeling now at keeping her safe, you are 100% entitled not to have added to the risk to your DD if that's how you felt.
SIL might have some inside knowledge of your everyday life caring for DD as did my family in my case but nobody other than you knows the immense & often overwhelming physical & emotional strain it can put on you.
The PTSD is a huge issue & I understand it well , there was a time I would break down & sob if an ambulance passed me with sirens on or if a PICU was on TV or something, the trauma of those 2 years with my DD haunted me for many years after. I still struggle with hospital visits & appointments now.. so I honestly think you're amazing!!

Please don't take her frankly stupid comments to heart.. you do what you feel is right for your family.

Hi @samanthawashington, your SIL sounds very unhelpful and unsympathetic! You poor thing. One thing that stood out to me was your traumatic birth experience. Just wanted to share this
www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/for-parents/our-peer-supporters

I volunteer as a peer supporter and just wondered if maybe this could help? I've been through a traumatic birth myself and I know how much it can colour so many other things in your life.

So, basically she is a nasty piece of work? It is a shame there are people as ignorant and callous as her working as nurses.

I wouldn't waste my energy on her, although easier said than done I know.

Firstly, you need to ditch the mindset that you are at fault. Your SIL is a bitch, pure and simple. I wouldn’t personally waste my breath on someone as vile as her. Ignore and detach. Where the hell is your H when she’s being vile?

You are not responsible to pretend that the family dynamic is healthy.

When I say DH is the better person, I mean he is kind, supportive and caring. SIL was daddy's favourite and got the best of everything including 'loans' of £K which are never paid back. The only time we have asked for money was for an expensive wheelchair, and we are paying that back.

Not even sure what's wrong with saying your DHs is a better person? Some people are just nicer than others. DH has never got on with his sister as you would a friend, but he always remembers birthdays etc, and as a family gets on with everyone. He has supported me throughout but doesn't want to cause a family rift by confronting her.

I am blocking her on SM and will just ignore any more passive aggressive statements, but basically I never want to hear them as it's upsetting. I also don't like confrontation, so I guess I am an easy target for this type of bullying. Don't worry DH will side with me no matter what, but I'm glad to know I did the right thing and need to stop feeling guilty I didn't work through the pandemic. When you are anxious you doubt your own reality

@samanthajonespr Thank you I'll look into that. So far I've managed to get by with some counselling and not needed antidepressants. My family are lovely but my MH is easily dented by SILs comments.

@dilly123 I'm so sorry you lost your beloved DD. It's a constant anxiety with a disabled child x

I'm sorry you are going through this. You're sil sounds like a right bitch trying to one up you in this situation. She sounds like a right entitled cow. I would block her and move on and if anyone including her confronts you about this, then say you have no time for this shit and couldn't believe how she would still make it all about herself even when her niece is in ICU. Well done cow for working in the NHS during the pandemic but I thought the NHS hired sympathetic and caring people I guess the NHS wouldn't miss much of you if you ever had to care for disabled children and take time off? I'm lucky I have sympathetic bosses that have given this time off to me to take care of your niece aka your blood and flesh. What a cow.

Your SIL is an idiot.

When you signed up to be a nurse you didn't sign up to put your job before yours or your children's wellbeing.

This is the problem with hero worshipping NHS staff, it pushes people to ignore their own needs and to feel guilty for not being super human.

As far as how to handle SIL, tell her she can have an opinion once she has cared for her disabled child through a global pandemic whilst dealing with PTSD... until then her opinion is worthless. (Or block and ignore if you don't want confrontation).

Whatever you do, don't feel bad for putting your family first

Well you have an excuse to be off.

THAT SAID (puts helmet on)

We nurses on the front line have had the most appalling year and its still horrendous. If she is like me, she is burnt out and worn out. She probably has quite a bit of PTSD herself. Don't underestimate the stress she has been through. Just because you don't like her and resent the help she's received, doesn't diminish how hellish her working life has been.

There is an acute shortage of ICU nurses. The rest of us aren't trained for ICU and can't just transfer up there. Not that it's stopping them trying.

I'm sure if you asked her, she would say she has mental health issues too - we are all altered by this experience. Yet we drag ourselves to work every shift. For my own part, I have gone through phases of drinking far too much and then phases where I would go home and not speak and just do a thousand yard stare and then other days when I wanted to vomit out every detail to poor DH and sit there in tears. At the moment my mental health is OK because I've gotten the jab. But work is still 100% consumed by Covid. It is all we talk or think about.

So this may explain her little comments. Yes she is bitter. Perhaps she has colleagues (as I do) who have kids with special needs and still work. That's not to say you should have - every family is different. But then she is aware of your daughters situation and she clearly thinks you could have made it work. But you are within your rights to mute her and ignore and that's obviously the only possible course because the chasm between you is too large now.

@ElspethFlashman No, it's fine to say that, and I appreciate she has had to work hard, as have all my friends and colleagues. I have friends with long covid from working in ICU in the first wave and this is part of why I feel guilty, and have put up with the passive aggressive comments for a year now.

But. With DD in hospital 5 weeks I had to stay with her with no contact from DH or little DS except through a car window. I literally had to live in the hospital too, plus 3 weekly stays as her condition wasn't stable. This started at the beginning of the pandemic and she still isn't right so with lockdowns, homeschooling and 24/7 total care needed for DD and shielding her, it would have been impossible to work anyway. The worry, PTSD, anxiety and fighting depression broke me.

I have every admiration for all my colleagues who worked through and under any other circumstance I would have done the same, of course, and I do feel torn, but my family circumstances are not normal and I have to go with that.

For SIL though, working hard and being stressed herself does not give her the right to make someone struggling, feel bad. If you are in a hole you shouldn't kick someone down there with you, but climb out and help them to get out too.

Do you think she has the capacity to help you?

@ElspethFlashman No. Sorry to say this but she is far too selfish and in 13 years has never offered to help in any way. I wouldn't ask anyway. My mother helps a huge amount, and dad does the school runs twice a week in normal times. DH does a huge amount too. I think like so many other people the pandemic is just the final straw to our coping ability.

@TwentyTwentyOne

Jesus...

If this was my SiL I would just look at her directly, or say this online.

"What the fuck has this got to do with you? Wind your neck in."

This.

She is not in any correct.