Is my 8 year relationship coming to an end?

[PopThatBootyForStNick]

After 8 years together, I feel like my relationship has hit a wall. There has been plenty of talk about saving for a house, getting married and having children, saving for holiday etc but nothing seems to come of it.
We have always discussed our single and joint goal and aspirations but nothing seems to come of it. I know these things don't happen over night but I feel like my boyfriend is no longer proactive in our relationship and I'm starting to resent him. Our friends are getting married and/or having children, own houses etc. I know you should compare yourself to other but I cant help feel that after 8 years together there should he more commitment?
I no longer feel like I'm in a relationship and dont know what to do? Can this he saved?

Not once have you said that you love him. You have said that you resent him though. You talk about your relationship and it's like you have hung in for 8 years so feel there should be a conclusion. In a way there should be a conclusion but that's because you both love each other.

You deserve better and to be happier.

"I no longer feel like I'm in a relationship and dont know what to do? Can this be saved?"

No and why would you want to save this?. If a friend of yours spoke like this to you what would your counsel be?.

You no longer feel like you are in a relationship and that is because you are not, you sound like housemates. Save your own self and find someone else who really has such goals rather than remain with someone who prevaricates endlessly. He sounds like he seems quite happy as he is but you are clearly not and besides which you only need to give your own self permission to leave. Breaking up is painful but arguably necessary if you want to further grow and look beyond this limited horizon.

Don't let the sunken costs fallacy overrule you here, people get bogged down in focusing solely on their sunk costs.

If you can't commit to saving for a holiday together, I doubt there is much commitment there sadly. I think you are becoming to realise that he's doing the talk to keep you around, but really, he's not that bothered about furthering things, whilst maybe happy to have you around from habit.
It takes 2 to save and plan, have you done it on your own, or have you been coasting along out of habit yourself too?
If you can't have an open discussion about things needing to end if they don't progress, then what you have been doing over 8 years, is merely superficially mentioning things, rather than planning, which is what needs to happen.

Right now I don't love him. I used to, very much and I would never want to see him hurt. But I feel like I'm mourning what our relationship was and could have been.
We are like housemates, just living our separate lives in our jointley rented house.
He used to be very open with discussing what he wanted from life and use to be proactive in making it happen but now I'm always the one trying to instigate a discussion about our future and make proactive changes in the how but his responses are always the same and nothing come of it. Is there really no way to get things back on track

No, not after what you've written here. It looks like you have outgrown him (and that could well be the case if say you met him in for instance late teens/early 20s); he seems quite happy as he is. Its ok frankly for you to want more from life and relationships.

The idea of sunk cost states that an investment of money, time or energy must not necessarily influence your continued investment of money, time or energy. The past investment is “sunk” into the endeavor and cannot be recouped. It is gone. Ongoing investment will not resuscitate what is gone when the investment is a bad one.

People get bogged down by focusing on their sunk costs.

There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavour.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.”

This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.

You do not want to hurt him but he has not really taken your feelings into account. Let each other go.

In regards to me coasting too, I have an isa and saving account that I put money into for a deposit and just to have general savings, I change career to a job that pays more and has regular mon-fri hours which was one of the goals we both shared so (pre-covid) we would have more time together to do things and see friends and family.
He did get a promotion in his current career but regularly states that its not the career he wants but do nothing to pursue the career he wants.
I feel like I've failed as I'm unable to progress our relationship further...

I don't necessarily think your partner is being particularly obstructive. It sounds like you believe a relationship should have certain elements and it doesn't sound like your partner views these things as something they need from a relationship.

Have you actually spelled it out that without these things you would consider ending the relationship?

Have you also actually asked for these things and proactively taken steps to achieve them? Are you saving for a house/holiday and your partner is not? It's just I see so many women on MN moaning that they're not married yet and they're sat waiting on the man to ask them. If you want something in life, you need to be the one to go out there and get it.

@Atilla thanks... your right im bogged down with the loss of what we had and its causing resentment which isn't healthy and we should part ways

2020 has stunted most of us.
Right now I wouldn't make too many rash decisions but take time to talk to each other.

@skullcap over the years we have been unable to attend a handful of holidays with friends and family as he has not had the funds to cover his half whist I have.
We have spoken about marriage and children and both agree that we would like to own a house and be marriage before children. I spoke to the bank and got a mortgage in principle so we have actual figures to work with but he continues to makes no effort to save for a deposit.
I have said we should get married at a registry office as marriage for both of us is about legalising the relationship but he doesn't want to get married yet.
I feel like I always push for these discussion but am always met with the same response, that these things will happen some time in the future. I've told him things don't happen in the future unless we made steps now to make it happen but its just the same conversations over again. I dont know what more I can do

I feel like I've failed as I'm unable to progress our relationship further

You'd rather settle than feel that your relationship has failed.

If you've had the conversations without improvement, then it probably is time to call it a day. You clearly want something different to what he does.

I can understand that you are angry with him now. But he is not wrong to not want those things, if that makes sense.

I dont want to settled, I want him to join me in pursuing the dreams we have discussed throughout the years. But @skullcap is right, I cant make him and its not his fault we don't want the same things.
Thanks everyone, a serious conversation is needed...

Oh god, that sounds like you're trying to push a huge boulder up a hill. It's time to move on. You sound great and he sounds as though he's got a flat battery.

I would sit him down and talk before you make a decision,I know you say you have told him how you see your future! Ask him to be honest! You both need to be on the same page,I personally think you have outgrown the relationship but it's worth one last conversation x

How old are you?

I scrolled right through to find that one key fact.

If you've been with him since you were both 15 and you're now both 23-24, that is very, very different in terms of wanting to settle down/have kids/buy a house than if you're both 30 or over. Same for saving, really - I'd give a fair bit more leeway to someone in their early 20s being generally a bit live for the day, bit crap at saving etc.

But if you're both way past that life stage - get out. He's not serious, maybe just about you, maybe about life and relationships in general - but the point is you don't have time to waste with someone who isn't on the same page as you, or possibly is simply using you as a comfort blanket while he's still in 'teen' mode and will drop you pronto when he meets The One.

If you're both young, it's likely that the relationship has simply run its course and you got together too young. Same advice really - leave!

Either way, you haven't 'failed' - why would you think that? This isn't in your power. He's not a doll you can program. It's up to him to do all these things. It's not you at all. Believe me - you'll see this when he meets someone new and is off like a rocket, sadly. He is driving this.

The only thing you CAN do is be in charge of your responses. The only way you'll fail yourself is by passively sitting there, AFTER the conversations and the waiting, and... still wait. Waste your life and your agency doing nothing and waiting for it to fall apart.

Don't waste another moment.

I was also wondering how old you both are.

But mainly you sound incompatible. If you have the 'big talk' he may just tell you what you want to hear.

Men can be very lazy about relationships once they have their feet under the table. It could be this? Which isn't a reason to stay btw as it's maddening.

but he continues to make no effort to save for a deposit.

Do you feel that he is being passive-aggressive and has deliberately been sabotaging or slowing things down or he is just drifting along and is a bit slow to needs a bit of a wake up call?

I think you need to give him some kind of ultimatum either way.

I am 26 and he is 32, we met at university and were very compatible for the first 5/6 years. He had this massive drive to obtain his goals and really pushed me to achieve mine but over the last 2/3 years it has fizzled out. I dont think he is intentially sabotaging things. I think he has just started to drift along and lose sight of the future.
When he puts his mind to something- like his fitness he is fully committed. Which is why I feel like I have failed as I feel like I'm not enough to make him commit to our future... does that make sense?

😱

He is 32 and behaving like this.
No no no
Run away from this quickly.

You are only 26 and have your whole life ahead of you.
It is him not you - you shouldn't have to drag and cajole your partner though life....
Be delighted you didnt marry this guy and get out now.

If he is over 30 then this is him. The likelihood of him changing is very slim.

You are really fortunate as 26 is a perfect age to start again. It isn't a failure to date someone and then find out your longterm aims make you incompatible. I suspect he doesn't want to grow up and take on responsibility or perhaps he feels you teo are not suited and he is coasting.

Don't settle as you have the opportunity to meet a man who really is on the same page as you. A break up can be painful but that doesn't mean it's the wrong decision. Be grateful you didn't marry.

When he puts his mind to something- like his fitness he is fully committed. Which is why I feel like I have failed as I feel like I'm not enough to make him commit to our future... does that make sense?

Have you told him this? That's very clearly, succinctly expressed. Have a proper discussion. Say that he seems to have no drive for some of the things you thought would happen and you don't want to drift. These are still your goals and they are not his, you need to be free to fall for someone who does want these things. You could ask if he's just got into a rut about the future due to Covid but don't let that be an excuse for doing nothing and seeing what happens in a year or so.

@labobo, I haven't told him how I feel in those exact words but I have repeatedly told him what I want and need from the relationship and made an effort to make them a reality.
We do need to have a honest talk.
I feel less angry and resentful about the possibility that we want different things from life, thanks everyone who left advice. But I am scared about my future, I dont have a support system close by and moving closer to family isn't an option as I'm still in the trial period of my near perfect career choice

I spoke to the bank and got a mortgage in principle so we have actual figures to work with but he continues to makes no effort to save for a deposit. I have said we should get married at a registry office as marriage for both of us is about legalising the relationship but he doesn't want to get married yet.
Have you considered the possibility that the issue is not him passively failing to make an effort, but instead him actively avoiding buying a house with and marrying you, because he doesn't want to?

OP every one of your posts indicates that this relationship has fizzled out. He seems to have checked out, and you do as well - you're mourning abstract concepts, what the relationship could've been (but ISN'T) and who he used to be (but ISN'T any more). When you talk about who he IS and what the relationship IS like - you're not fond of him, you resent him.

It sounds like you're only still together out of inertia and a vague sense that you have to follow a set life script, influenced by all your peers. You're both passively riding a dead horse here. It's time to go your separate ways and the sooner you do this the better - your resentment will only grow.

This is completely standard for people your age at this stage by the way. It's natural to outgrow each other by 7-8 years in and at 26 you've got plenty of time ahead of you to reach life milestones with someone else.