I don't want breakfast in bed

[HaveYouLookedUnderTheCat]

I'm being ungrateful aren't i.
I rarely have a lie in. I'm normally up well before 7. I'm shattered this morning. DH hasn't been seen for dust this week as he's tucked himself way to work, so all home schooling has been left to me while trying to wfh (I didn't agree to this, he's just gone ahead and done it). This morning DH insists that I have a lie in and go back to sleep. But I can't because I'm then brought a cup of tea, DC comes up twice to speak to me and now DH has just brought me breakfast. I don't want breakfast. I just wanted to be left alone and to sleep! And so now I feel I have to eat the breakfast.

It's the fact that he didn't think to ask. Like the wfh situation. But I'm being ungrateful about the breakfast, aren't I.

They key thing in your comment was 'if dh had agreed'. In other words, if you'd had a conversation so that both of you are on board with the plan, then all good

My idea of a conversation would be "I'll lie in tomorrow and you can have Sunday - that okay?" - it wouldn't involve detailed decisions about acceptable times, cups of tea and breakfast in bed. I would expect to be left alone and I would do the same on DH's day to sleep.

It could be that op's dh is a selfish manipulative prick.

I think it's clear from the rest of her post that he is - he hid away to work and left OP to deal with her job and all the home-schooling on her own for a week.

Either way, a grown up conversation, and not a hissy fit, is the way forward. As with most relationship issues!

I agree a conversation is a good idea, but you also shouldn't need to have a detailed discussion about something as minor as a lie-in. He offered her a lie-in and then decided after two hours that she'd had enough sleep, so he was going to wake her up and make sure she was awake.

Why? Can't he cope with his own DC for two hours?

It wasn't even two hours.

Well then the only clear advice is for the OP to LTB!

I'd err on the theory of 'muppetry over malice' which is the case in most relationship fuck ups

Very true, except on MN where every action is ascribed to the worst possible motivation and every marriage/friendship sounds like a war zone of passive-aggression.

Personally I'd be happy for a "lie in" to involve breakfast in bed - I wake up early regardless and a lie in is just about lazing in bed without actually getting up.

Personally I'd be happy for a "lie in" to involve breakfast in bed - I wake up early regardless and a lie in is just about lazing in bed without actually getting up.

That's fine, but would you be happy for someone to decide that for you? If you were exhausted and wanted to sleep (not laze in bed) wouldn't you be pretty pissed off if someone decided you'd had enough sleep and had to get up for no reason other than they wanted you to?

Love the phrase ‘muppetry over malice’ - thank you!

OP - get the homeschooling agreement properly sorted, pronto.

@CandyLeBonBon

Well then the only clear advice is for the OP to LTB!

No, it's not, but look at her opening post, fgs - she's thinking she's being ungrateful for him doing something "nice" - that wasn't actually that nice at all.

It's about shifting it round to saying, actually this feels like an unfair set-up and like a an empty gesture, because it is. Because you can more or less guarantee in the adult conversation she tries to have with him, he's going to argue that she's being petty and unappreciative of the "lovely" gesture.

I don't think anyone's suggesting she leaves the bastard , it's just about validating her feelings so she's not dismissing her own feelings and can hopefully approach it from a stronger position.

@vanillandhoney

Personally I'd be happy for a "lie in" to involve breakfast in bed - I wake up early regardless and a lie in is just about lazing in bed without actually getting up.

That's fine, but would you be happy for someone to decide that for you? If you were exhausted and wanted to sleep (not laze in bed) wouldn't you be pretty pissed off if someone decided you'd had enough sleep and had to get up for no reason other than they wanted you to?

As I said earlier I don't think the OP is being unreasonable to be a bit annoyed! I would definitely point out later, calmly, that it meant she wasn't able to sleep like she wanted.

I just think it's highly unreasonable to leap to the most malicious interpretation of what's usually considered a nice thing to do for someone.

I'd be asking how be expects me to have a lie in when he has disturbed me 3 times already?

He was trying to be nice

I sometimes think that people who spend a lot of time around children get confused about the value of an adult trying to be nice. It's good to try children to be nice and let them experiment while they are growing up.

Adults, adults are blessed with words and self awareness. A quick would you like a cop of tea in the morning. Shall I bring you breakfast would have allowed her to say no thank you I need to sleep.

Wow, i didn't expect this thread to still be going. Only just caught up as I've been flying around doing stuff. And I'm feeling less grumpy now I've been up a while
I will have the conversation with DH when I get a chance. As someone said, it's muppetry over malice, he just doesn't think it through. Although there is an element of 'performance' to it, as a PP said.
As for the homeschooling, It wasn't an issue last lockdown as I wasn't working. However he will quite happily and does offer to do the homeschooling or take DC off my hands. IF I ask him to or say DC is driving me up the wall. The issue for me is that I have to ask. It would never occur to him to think 'oh, schools are shut, what do I need to get in place for DC? How do I keep DC on track?' It's down to me to instigate and organise it. Otherwise he would have DC in front of a screen all day.If I ask him to take DC out, it will be a car ride to do something he wants plus some sweets and a magazine to keep DC on side. It's like having another child to organise. This I have always put this down to him having ADHD. As for routines, it's like pinning jelly to the wall.
Thing is, I've lost my sense of what's reasonable and what's not. Like the breakfast in bed.

I will have the conversation with DH when I get a chance. As someone said, it's muppetry over malice, he just doesn't think it through. Although there is an element of 'performance' to it, as a PP said.

The issue with the home-schooling makes me think it's a bit more than just "muppetry". Why can't he look after his own children for a few hours without pestering you to get up?

I hope you’ll tell him that as you didn’t get to have a lie in today, you need another one tomorrow. And that you’re to be left alone (by him, and by the children) until you decide that you’ve had enough of a rest.

I think you are over reacting. Just tell him you are tired and want to sleep. End of!

@category12 I was being lighthearted!

@Clymene

I'm a single parent and I think this is a dick move. So many men pretend they're doing a nice thing when it's nothing of the sort. It's sabotaging your sleep but dressed up in a bow.

Exactly this.

My dp does this sort of shit. Not lie-ins, because our dc are all older teens, but he will, for example, buy me something I didn't ask for, and don't want - and then get all sulky and pathetic when I'm not grateful enough for it. The thing I didn't ask for, and didn't want.

It's manipulative, and I can see straight through it.

IF I ask him to or say DC is driving me up the wall. The issue for me is that I have to ask. It would never occur to him to think 'oh, schools are shut, what do I need to get in place for DC? How do I keep DC on track?' It's down to me to instigate and organise it. Otherwise he would have DC in front of a screen all day.If I ask him to take DC out, it will be a car ride to do something he wants plus some sweets and a magazine to keep DC on side. If this was one of your friend's husband's, wouldn't you think he sounds like a shitty dad? Because he definitely does!

He knows what needs to be done, he just doesn't bother organising things or splitting childcare proportionally to both of your work because it doesn't interest him, he can't be arsed and he knows you'll do it.

@CandyLeBonBon

@category12 I was being lighthearted!

That isn't allowed on mumsnet any more

Sorry @WaterOffADucksCrack 😬