Page 2 | I don't want breakfast in bed

HaveYouLookedUnderTheCat · 2021-01-16T08:51:11+00:00

I'm being ungrateful aren't i. I rarely have a lie in. I'm normally up well before 7. I'm shattered this morning. DH hasn't been seen for dust this week as he's tucked himself way to work, so all home schooling has been left to me while trying to wfh (I didn't agree to this, he's just gone ahead and done it). This morning DH insists that I have a lie in and go back to sleep. But I can't because I'm then brought a cup of tea, DC comes up twice to speak to me and now DH has just brought me breakfast. I don't want breakfast. I just wanted to be left alone and to sleep! And so now I feel I have to eat the breakfast. It's the fact that he didn't think to ask. Like the wfh situation. But I'm being ungrateful about the breakfast, aren't I.

Dery · 16/01/2021 09:57

We can all only guess but I think the cup of tea and breakfast in bed are actually a way of telling you to get up disguised as a nice gesture. You don’t need tea or food if you’re asleep. As PP have said, sit down this weekend and work out a home-schooling schedule. Don’t allow any default “his job is more important than yours bullshit”.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 16/01/2021 09:57

I'd blithely assume that next week is his week to homeschool. Bit of a hardcore rota but since you coped you're sure he will. I'd hand him the kids timetable/must do list and make it clear it's his turn for ALL of next week and he can have a lovely lie in with a cup of tea next Saturday morning.

category12 · 16/01/2021 09:58

It is not "trying to be nice" to tell you to have a lie in, and then decide to bring you breakfast before 9am in the morning.

Breakfast is telling you it's "time to get up".

What it is, is a performance of "being nice" without actually paying attention to what OP wants and needs. He can go round saying "oh OP got a lovely lie in and breakfast in bed, what a great husband I am" and preen himself - and pretend it's reasonable that this flawed, self-aggrandising, hour and a half long gesture outweighs the selfishness of the week and in general.

category12 · 16/01/2021 10:04

I mean, it's clear your DH had no intention of actually letting you sleep by bringing you tea and letting the dc come up to you. It's purely symbolic, he doesn't actually want/expect you to benefit from it.

lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 16/01/2021 10:14

Don’t allow any default “his job is more important than yours bullshit”.

But if one person in a marriage earns significantly more than the other, and their job pays the mortgage and most other expenses then it makes sense that they devote more if their time in a week to it in order to keep their job?

We don't know what the case is in this instance. I don't think it's as simple as splitting the HS in half regardless of what the job / seeking/ financial responsibilities are in the house.

lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 16/01/2021 10:15

*Not seeking.. spending!

Arrivederla · 16/01/2021 10:18

@AldiIsla

Just because you're single doesn't mean you have to accept any old shite as omg so amazing a cup of tea hun. Standards.

It's not a lie in if you're constantly being disturbed.
A crap lie in doesn't make up for having to do double the work all week. Christ, flicking a kettle on, quick get the banners out.

EXACTLY THIS!!!!

Clymene · 16/01/2021 10:21

I'm a single parent and I think this is a dick move. So many men pretend they're doing a nice thing when it's nothing of the sort. It's sabotaging your sleep but dressed up in a bow.

TokenGinger · 16/01/2021 10:29

This would piss me off to no end. DP does this sometimes on the very rare occasion he wakes up with DS first, and it's his way of saying "it's time to wake up now".

It's really not comparable to single parents who are carrying the full load because you do have a life partner and another parent in the house who should be sharing the load with the children. It shouldn't all fall to you.

A lie in is not a lot to ask.

vanillandhoney · 16/01/2021 10:37

It's not a lie-in if you're constantly being disturbed.

So I'd say something like "Thank you for the tea and for breakfast, but obviously I can't sleep and eat at the same time, so I assume this means I'll be taking my lie in tomorrow instead?"

MrsBrunch · 16/01/2021 10:40

You're afraid to tell him he needs to do his share of home schooling.

You're afraid to tell him you want to sleep.

What's going on, why are you so afraid?

Cherrysoup · 16/01/2021 10:44

If it’s his turn for a lie in, I bet the OP keeps the dc quiet, downstairs and doesn’t take up breakfast. Who wants breakfast in bed?! Bizarre concept. I think it’s very obviously a strategy to get the OP up and I’d be seriously cross. Zero lie in.

CandyLeBonBon · 16/01/2021 10:49

Just because you're single doesn't mean you have to accept any old shite as omg so amazing a cup of tea hun. Standards.

My standards are fine thanks. I have no one to make me a cup of tea. So when I do, it's very welcome. Nothing to do with standards.

vanillandhoney · 16/01/2021 10:50

My standards are fine thanks. I have no one to make me a cup of tea. So when I do, it's very welcome. Nothing to do with standards.

But why would you welcome a cup of tea when you deliberately asked or a lie-in? Being brought a cup of tea in bed is not being left to sleep!

user1493413286 · 16/01/2021 10:57

It’s not ungrateful; I’d feel the same when I wanted a lie in and not breakfast in bed. He’s not really giving you a lie in as he’s using the cup of tea, DC and breakfast to try and get you to get up.

gannett · 16/01/2021 10:58

Then I'd have hit the roof about the breakfast

I genuinely wonder what it's like to be so confrontational about being brought breakfast in bed. "Hit the roof", really? Do you get on with many people?

OP YANBU to be a bit annoyed but I'd rather interpret it as an attempt to make up for the past week and give you a treat - just one that didn't hit the spot - rather than anything malicious (if it was, then you have much larger problems).

The larger issue is leaving you to do 100% of the home schooling without discussing beforehand - pull him up on that. That's the root cause of your annoyance at the breakfast too.

CandyLeBonBon · 16/01/2021 11:00

@vanillandhoney

My standards are fine thanks. I have no one to make me a cup of tea. So when I do, it's very welcome. Nothing to do with standards.

But why would you welcome a cup of tea when you deliberately asked or a lie-in? Being brought a cup of tea in bed is not being left to sleep!

She did get a lie in! She said she's normally up before 7. Apparently her dh brought her stuff just before 9. If she didn't state what time she wanted to sleep until, maybe he figured that was a good enough lie-in? I'm not saying he's right. But I AM saying he's not a mind reader and if she wanted longer, that's probably a conversation they should have had last night.

CandyLeBonBon · 16/01/2021 11:02

I'd err on the theory of 'muppetry over malice' which is the case in most relationship fuck ups. Unless there's a backstory of selfish behaviour, drink the tea and eat the breakfast (or not), have the conversation about expectations and move on. Stewing about this or taking on suggestions to 'hit the roof' aren't going to solve it.

user1493413286 · 16/01/2021 11:02

It’s not actually that different to the person who posted recently where her husband was useless at looking after the DC and ruined her lie in. It’s just a nicer way of doing it and he can still say he let her lie in or be wounded that he’d “tried to do something nice”

category12 · 16/01/2021 11:04

@CandyLeBonBon Don't you think assuming OP will juggle childcare, honeschooling and WFH while he hides away all week, speaks to a backstory of selfishness?

vanillandhoney · 16/01/2021 11:08

She did get a lie in! She said she's normally up before 7. Apparently her dh brought her stuff just before 9. If she didn't state what time she wanted to sleep until, maybe he figured that was a good enough lie-in? I'm not saying he's right. But I AM saying he's not a mind reader and if she wanted longer, that's probably a conversation they should have had last night.

9am is hardly late on a weekend morning! If I asked for a lie-in (and DH had agreed) I would expect to be left alone until I was ready to get up. Bringing her an (unwanted) cup of tea at an arbitrary time is a passive-aggressive way of telling OP that he's decided it's time for her to get up.

It's not up to DH to decide when she's had enough sleep, so she shouldn't need to have a conversation with him about it

Ninkanink · 16/01/2021 11:12

If it’s simply a case of muppetry then there’s a very easy way to establish that: tell him, as I said earlier, that you don’t appreciate being disturbed when you’re trying to catch up on sleep & that the children need to be kept downstairs & kept quiet, that he’s not to disturb you & although the breakfast may have been intended as a nice gesture it really wasn’t nice to decide on your behalf that you couldn’t possibly sleep any later. Then tell him you’re going to have a lie in tomorrow, and that you intend to stay in bed until you decide you’ve slept enough, & you won’t appreciate being disturbed by him or by the children.

If it was just him being mindlessly ‘nice’ then he’ll listen and take on board what you’ve said, and you’ll get a proper lie in tomorrow.

One more point I’ve just thought of from the OP: why should you wait until he designs to offer you a lie in? Are you able to say to him, I need some sleep, please have the children Saturday morning?

I would establish a routine going forward: one weekend morning you get a lie in, the other, he does.

CandyLeBonBon · 16/01/2021 11:16

[quote category12]@CandyLeBonBon Don't you think assuming OP will juggle childcare, honeschooling and WFH while he hides away all week, speaks to a backstory of selfishness?[/quote]
It probably is. But stewing about it rather than having a grown up conversation isn't going to improve that is it?

CandyLeBonBon · 16/01/2021 11:25

@vanillandhoney

She did get a lie in! She said she's normally up before 7. Apparently her dh brought her stuff just before 9. If she didn't state what time she wanted to sleep until, maybe he figured that was a good enough lie-in? I'm not saying he's right. But I AM saying he's not a mind reader and if she wanted longer, that's probably a conversation they should have had last night.

9am is hardly late on a weekend morning! If I asked for a lie-in (and DH had agreed) I would expect to be left alone until I was ready to get up. Bringing her an (unwanted) cup of tea at an arbitrary time is a passive-aggressive way of telling OP that he's decided it's time for her to get up.

It's not up to DH to decide when she's had enough sleep, so she shouldn't need to have a conversation with him about it

If I asked for a lie-in (and DH had agreed)

They key thing in your comment was 'if dh had agreed'. In other words, if you'd had a conversation so that both of you are on board with the plan, then all good. If you hadn't had that conversation it's conceivable to think that what one person thinks is a good lie-in, isn't the same as another persons.

It could be that op's dh is a selfish manipulative prick. It could be that he's not, and made a misguided attempt to do something 'nice' which didn't align with the op's wants. Either way, a grown up conversation, and not a hissy fit, is the way forward. As with most relationship issues!

category12 · 16/01/2021 11:35

In this case, if you read the post, DH insisted that OP have a lie-in, told her to go back to sleep, and then proceeded to bring tea, let the kids come up and brought up breakfast.

It's not the case that the two of them agreed in advance she's to get a lie-in - what it was, was a random gesture of "oh you must have a lie-in, stay in bed, sleep!" and then popping up regularly making it impossible to. So he gave lip-service to her needing it and acknowledging she deserved one, but not actually willing to let her have it.