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Original poster

Dating someone new and they have disclosed poor mental health TW some reference to suicidal thoughts

32 replies

Tumblepop · 16/01/2021 07:55

Please be gentle on me with this.

I have been dating a new man for around 7 weeks now. We managed a few actual dates at the beginning when places were still open but for the most part have done socially distanced walks, calls and FaceTimes although we do live very close.

My background is that my husband up and left me and our young children early last year out of the blue with no care or consideration and then (as per usual) another woman appeared and since then several others have to. It’s been pretty awful for us all and resulted in having to sell our house and stay with family etc. I have felt in a much better place myself the past few months but feel hugely cynical about love, commitment etc.

this man and I have been enjoying getting to know eachother and he seems as keen as I feel. I’m taking things slow and am in now way wanting to jump into anything serious which he is aware of.

He lost a close family member 2 years ago which he told me pretty early on. It is clearly having a big effect on him still although it was only this week he disclosed how bad his mental health has been previously due to this (very low mood, alluded to precious suicidal thoughts, unsure if there were attempts on his life or not, couldn’t bring myself to ask). He had a few bad days this week where I felt I spent most of the day supporting him and trying to lift his mood. I felt fine doing this and wanted to do this for him. However it lasted around 3 days and I have to admit I found it hard to deal with and I sort of felt this wasn’t what I signed up for when looking to meet someone. I know this sounds so selfish but I feel like I have been through such a bad year I want things to be easy and light for me. I’m not saying mental health issues is a major red flag but I also feel like I’m not even sure what is a red flag anymore.

I do think his moods are circumstantial to the loss and did try to ask if he had experienced low moods prior to this death and he said no.

He has also said a few things like he feels so much better since meeting me, I’ve made him happier than he’s ever been etc which are lovely things to hear but also worrying too that he’s relying on this very early days relationship to help him when there’s no guarantee this will be a long term thing.

Am I being really mean thinking these thoughts? I don’t think I want to end things because he is lovely and it’s going at a pace that suits me but I just don’t know if I’m fully in the best place to support someone I haven’t known that long with this and also I find its making me anxious if I’m being totally honest. I think that mentions of very low mood triggers me slightly too due to previous losses I have had in my much younger life. Hope this makes sense

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 16/01/2021 08:00

You've got children....so it's a no.

You can't afford the risk of having them exposed to any trauma.

Gncq · 16/01/2021 08:02

Hmm it's tricky because you're obviously a decent nice person, so you don't want to cause any more upset for this person, but tbh I think it's a bit too soon for you, it's only been less than a year since your world was turned upside down.

He seems a bit too needy for you, with your own needs to consider. And you hardly know him. He may say he's never had low moods before his mum or whoever died 2 years ago, but what if this is just what he's like? Needy, self absorbed etc.

Sorry, just say "sorry you're not my type" but tactfully.

AnotherEmma · 16/01/2021 08:02

No no no.
Walk away.
I've had depression myself several times (never suicidal thoughts thankfully) so I am not entirely unsympathetic to his situation.
HOWEVER.
He needs to seek professional help. You need to gently encourage him to do this. He should be talking to his GP, calling Samaritans, joining a waiting list for counselling, probably going on antidepressants. There are also specialist charities to support bereaved people (Cruse) and helpline for men with depression and suicidal thoughts.
He should NOT be leaning on you this heavily, especially not so early on in a relationship. It' unfair on you, it will create an unhealthy dynamic whereby you give and he takes, he becomes emotionally dependent on you, and you'll (understandably) resent it.
You haven't actually been single that long and haven't had much time to heal from the end of your marriage. Perhaps you need to be single for a bit longer.

Bmidreams · 16/01/2021 08:03

Yes, your energy is for your children.

AnotherEmma · 16/01/2021 08:04

And yourself.

OverTheRubicon · 16/01/2021 08:04

God no. You've got young children who've been through a lot, you've been through a lot - and if after only 7 weeks you're having to spend 3 days supporting him through low thoughts, he's moving at an incredibly fast pace, not a slow one!

It's absolutely reasonable to say that right now you aren't able to offer him the support and relationship he needs but to wish him the best.

TheProvincialLady · 16/01/2021 08:05

End this now. You barely know the man but he’s shared very private and sensitive information with you, you’re supporting him and he feels better when he’s with you. This has lack of boundaries written all over it, from both your perspectives. You are absolutely NOT unreasonable to feel uncomfortable with all of this. He is not in a place to pursue a new relationship and - meant kindly - you need to consider why on earth you were prepared to tolerate any of this.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 16/01/2021 08:06

Sadly, he’s not in a place to have a new relationship. And it’s totally fine not to want to embark on one with him.

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 16/01/2021 08:06

I have very bad mental health cycles. I have to put so much onto my poor DH during these times. But we've been married for years and we signed up for "in sickness and in health". We have a lot of shared history and a lot of love. He's had his own mh problems and I've supported him through it .

Don't take on this guys mental health as your own problem. You've already spent 3 days coaxing him - where's the fun in that less than 2 months in? You sound vulnerable and you've got your own life to worry about. I think you should end it now. Not because he's got mental health issues, but because i know first hand how hard it is to be in a relationship with mental health problems from both sides of the coin. Don't try and become his saviour. He's not taking things at your pace if he's putting responsibility for his mental state onto you "you make me happier than ever etc". That means you then don't want to leave him because if you do and he does something, you'll feel it's your fault. He's already making you anxious, like it's your problem to worry about. LISTEN TO YOUR INSTINCTS. They will never let you down.

Nope. Lots of nice men out there, throw this one back.

SuperHighway · 16/01/2021 08:06

He's looking for a therapist, not an equal partner. Save yourself, and more importantly your children, an awful lot of stress and hurt and end it. As you say, you wanted something fun and light, not a project.

HighSpecWhistle · 16/01/2021 08:07

I would end things.

It's been 7 weeks of mainly lockdown and he's saying he's the happiest he's ever been with you?

He's leaning on you way too early. Has he any family or friends? I would have thought it would be more appropriate for him to lean on them rather than you.

You are right in seeking a happy, light, easy relationship. You deserve to have a happy experience and he clearly can't provide that. As sad as it is, it's not your issue and he needs counselling and time to work on his own feelings.

I wouldn't pursue this further, it'll only drag you down. Look for someone who brings you up x

RedFrogsRule · 16/01/2021 08:07

Can you cool things at all? Would he accept a reduced level of contact whilst you establish whether this really is an issue or let him down gently?

Equally I’m thinking you don’t need this in your life at all...so just walk away

Whatdoyoudowhendemocracyfails · 16/01/2021 08:07

He’s already making his moods your responsibility..it’s a hard no from me. And it absolutely does not make you a bad person. Just a sensible one.

Emeraldeyes20 · 16/01/2021 08:08

You sound a lovely caring person , you obviously like him but do you need any more upset and stress in your life . You could take it slow and see how it goes but I wouldn’t get too involved at the moment . Good luck !

forumdonkey · 16/01/2021 08:08

If it was me, I would be walking away. I would find his reliance of his better MH on me and the relationship too much of red flag. I'm not a therapist and wouldn't want to be one in a relationship.

A relationship should be fun and this should be the heady days of the honeymoon period but it's sounding far from that. Already it's sounding like a lot of stress burden and hard work.

Remember he's pretty much still a stranger to you and you are not responsible for him or his happiness.

thefourgp · 16/01/2021 08:09

I agree with everyone else. At the seven week stage it should be all fun and excitement. You need to put you and your children first. Wish him all the best for the future and say goodbye.

Ratbagcatbag · 16/01/2021 08:10

Is he getting any help with his MH. So under the drs, on medication, having any counselling?

I will say, many years ago I used to use my MH in relationships and say all the things he was. (And I now cringe at that). If I'm brutally honest I felt I wasn't good enough and they'd feel guilty and stay with me. And feel flattered that they could make me feel better. The difference is I was 17. Now older and wiser and with truck tons of counselling behind me I can see it was trying to manipulate people, maybe not consciously, but it's the same outcome. The reality is I am responsible for my own happiness.

So, all that said. He's testing the water. Seeing how much you can put up with. He's hidden it for the first few weeks and now you're spending your time cajoling him. Honestly. It's not worth it. If he's actively trying to resolve his MH issues then that's different, but if he's expecting you to be his saviour and make his life better then walk away. That's not your responsibility.
How long before you want an evening to yourself, or when the world opens up again, with friends. And he feels low so you don't go out with them or leave them alone.

For me I would need to see he is trying to fix himself.

Grobagsforever · 16/01/2021 08:14

You deserve better than this OP. It is selfish and controlling of him to expect you to be his security blanket.

Original poster
Tumblepop · 16/01/2021 08:19

Thank you for all your kind replies.
I do like him a lot and have found myself sharing things with him too, about my previous relationship etc and he was a good support. But I did feel a bit overwhelmed when he told me this heavier stuff and ill-equipped too. He also told me he had never told anyone some of those things before (especially the suicidal thoughts).

He isn’t getting any help and hasn’t ever, I’ve been really encouraging him to do this and have told him I can’t offer him any proper support on this both because I’m not a medical professional and also because of my own situation.
Of course my children are my priority, they won’t be meeting him or anyone for a long long time.

OP posts:
thecatfromjapan · 16/01/2021 08:21

Your post uses words like 'I found this hard' and 'worrying'.

After 7 weeks, you're in a relationship that isn't bringing you joy - but causing you stress.

You use the phrase, 'I'll admit' - that's because you feel guilty for not enjoying this new relationship and for experiencing distress in it.

A year ago you went through a horrendous experience. You're now in a relationship with a man who isn't supporting you to deal with the impact of that, isn't supporting you to grow and become strong - rather, he is making demands on you.

I know it's hard to see - because he's presenting as vulnerable, is demanding care the way a child would - but actually this relationship is really not OK, and has the potential to be as damaging for you as your break-up.

I suspect this feels 'safe' because he 'needs' you, you feel in control because you're theoretically 'looking after' someone vulnerable. At some level, you think this is a far safer relationship than the one where your husband left and jettisoned you and the children into an awful situation.

But your intuition is quite right. This is potentially a situation where you will be controlled and limited. It's absolutely not what you need right now. And 7 weeks is way too early for you taking on responsibility for his MH.

I think you really need to keep working on re-building yourself after the shock of your husband leaving. The fact you've found yourself in such a worrying relationship after 7 weeks suggests you still have things to settle in your relationship with yourself.

It's sad he has MH issues - but you're not a MH practitioner, you're a woman who needs a relationship in which she has the capacity to grow.

And ... people who have MH issues are not to be avoided. They deserve friendship and love just like the rest of us. But everything about your post says that this relationship is not the right one for you. Not now. And, ultimately, it won't be the right one for this partner, either.

Original poster
Tumblepop · 16/01/2021 09:07

@thecatfromjapan

Your post uses words like 'I found this hard' and 'worrying'.

After 7 weeks, you're in a relationship that isn't bringing you joy - but causing you stress.

You use the phrase, 'I'll admit' - that's because you feel guilty for not enjoying this new relationship and for experiencing distress in it.

A year ago you went through a horrendous experience. You're now in a relationship with a man who isn't supporting you to deal with the impact of that, isn't supporting you to grow and become strong - rather, he is making demands on you.

I know it's hard to see - because he's presenting as vulnerable, is demanding care the way a child would - but actually this relationship is really not OK, and has the potential to be as damaging for you as your break-up.

I suspect this feels 'safe' because he 'needs' you, you feel in control because you're theoretically 'looking after' someone vulnerable. At some level, you think this is a far safer relationship than the one where your husband left and jettisoned you and the children into an awful situation.

But your intuition is quite right. This is potentially a situation where you will be controlled and limited. It's absolutely not what you need right now. And 7 weeks is way too early for you taking on responsibility for his MH.

I think you really need to keep working on re-building yourself after the shock of your husband leaving. The fact you've found yourself in such a worrying relationship after 7 weeks suggests you still have things to settle in your relationship with yourself.

It's sad he has MH issues - but you're not a MH practitioner, you're a woman who needs a relationship in which she has the capacity to grow.

And ... people who have MH issues are not to be avoided. They deserve friendship and love just like the rest of us. But everything about your post says that this relationship is not the right one for you. Not now. And, ultimately, it won't be the right one for this partner, either.

Thank you. Thank you hit the nail on the head here
OP posts:
ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 16/01/2021 09:08

It's good that you've told him you're not prepared to be his support ,- now make sure your actions back this up.

He may not be aware he's manipulating you. It takes a shit load of self awareness to do everything i can to help myself when I'm low. It would be easier to lean all the way onto my husband and let him carry me. But I've got a responsibility to myself, him and my children to do everything i can to keep functioning. So that is therapy, medication, self care. If he's not doing any of this its not your duty to encourage him. You don't have to signpost to help. He needs to be ready to seek that out himself but it's much, much easier to lean on someone else than it is to do things to help himself. Whether he's aware that's what he's doing or not, doesn't matter. It's still the same outcome. You must have spent the equivalent of a few hours together. Try he's trying to get you to be his emotional support.

Even by you having to lay down such strong boundaries against him trying to put too much on you this early is a huge red flag. The important thing is this. Your gut is telling you what's really going on. You must not fall into the trap of thinking that just because you've told him you won't be his emotional support that's the end of it. You've already spent three days being his emotional crutch. Plus . Meeting them isnt the only way he can affect your children. The anxiety and worry he's causing will be having a knock on effect on you. Enforce your boundaries, don't feel sorry for him. You don't know him, not really.

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 16/01/2021 09:10

It's sad he has MH issues - but you're not a MH practitioner, you're a woman who needs a relationship in which she has the capacity to grow.

Perfectly put.

AnotherEmma · 16/01/2021 10:13

@ShesMadeATwatOfMePam

It's good that you've told him you're not prepared to be his support ,- now make sure your actions back this up.

He may not be aware he's manipulating you. It takes a shit load of self awareness to do everything i can to help myself when I'm low. It would be easier to lean all the way onto my husband and let him carry me. But I've got a responsibility to myself, him and my children to do everything i can to keep functioning. So that is therapy, medication, self care. If he's not doing any of this its not your duty to encourage him. You don't have to signpost to help. He needs to be ready to seek that out himself but it's much, much easier to lean on someone else than it is to do things to help himself. Whether he's aware that's what he's doing or not, doesn't matter. It's still the same outcome. You must have spent the equivalent of a few hours together. Try he's trying to get you to be his emotional support.

Even by you having to lay down such strong boundaries against him trying to put too much on you this early is a huge red flag. The important thing is this. Your gut is telling you what's really going on. You must not fall into the trap of thinking that just because you've told him you won't be his emotional support that's the end of it. You've already spent three days being his emotional crutch. Plus . Meeting them isnt the only way he can affect your children. The anxiety and worry he's causing will be having a knock on effect on you. Enforce your boundaries, don't feel sorry for him. You don't know him, not really.

All this, absolutely.
CodenameVillanelle · 16/01/2021 10:18

He had a few bad days this week where I felt I spent most of the day supporting him and trying to lift his mood. I felt fine doing this and wanted to do this for him. However it lasted around 3 days and I have to admit I found it hard to deal with and I sort of felt this wasn’t what I signed up for when looking to meet someone.

This makes it a no from me. My DP has had depression all his life off and on, and had some down days in the early part of the relationship. He never put it on me to cheer him up and the worst that happened was he cancelled the odd date. He leaned on his therapist and family rather than me. Since our relationship got more serious he hasn't had any depressive periods over the past year and a half but if he did, I'd expect to support him more, but we've been together nearly 2.5 years so that's different. I actually still think he'd try to avoid putting it on me even if it did happen now.
The fact that he's not seeking any help and that he's happy to flop onto you 6 weeks into dating isn't a good sign at all. He's supposed to be a boyfriend, not a patient.