Dating someone new and they have disclosed poor mental health TW some reference to suicidal thoughts

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Please be gentle on me with this.

I have been dating a new man for around 7 weeks now. We managed a few actual dates at the beginning when places were still open but for the most part have done socially distanced walks, calls and FaceTimes although we do live very close.

My background is that my husband up and left me and our young children early last year out of the blue with no care or consideration and then (as per usual) another woman appeared and since then several others have to. It’s been pretty awful for us all and resulted in having to sell our house and stay with family etc. I have felt in a much better place myself the past few months but feel hugely cynical about love, commitment etc.

this man and I have been enjoying getting to know eachother and he seems as keen as I feel. I’m taking things slow and am in now way wanting to jump into anything serious which he is aware of.

He lost a close family member 2 years ago which he told me pretty early on. It is clearly having a big effect on him still although it was only this week he disclosed how bad his mental health has been previously due to this (very low mood, alluded to precious suicidal thoughts, unsure if there were attempts on his life or not, couldn’t bring myself to ask). He had a few bad days this week where I felt I spent most of the day supporting him and trying to lift his mood. I felt fine doing this and wanted to do this for him. However it lasted around 3 days and I have to admit I found it hard to deal with and I sort of felt this wasn’t what I signed up for when looking to meet someone. I know this sounds so selfish but I feel like I have been through such a bad year I want things to be easy and light for me. I’m not saying mental health issues is a major red flag but I also feel like I’m not even sure what is a red flag anymore.

I do think his moods are circumstantial to the loss and did try to ask if he had experienced low moods prior to this death and he said no.

He has also said a few things like he feels so much better since meeting me, I’ve made him happier than he’s ever been etc which are lovely things to hear but also worrying too that he’s relying on this very early days relationship to help him when there’s no guarantee this will be a long term thing.

Am I being really mean thinking these thoughts? I don’t think I want to end things because he is lovely and it’s going at a pace that suits me but I just don’t know if I’m fully in the best place to support someone I haven’t known that long with this and also I find its making me anxious if I’m being totally honest. I think that mentions of very low mood triggers me slightly too due to previous losses I have had in my much younger life. Hope this makes sense

Honestly, you will never be happy in this relationship, and it will eventually drag you down too. I’m sure he is a lovely man, but he really needs to be on his own and get himself some MH help, you sound like a nice person who wants to help but the only person that can help him, is himself. He isn’t in the right frame of mind to have a relationship of any kind with anyone.

Put yourself first, don’t be dragged down by someone else’s issues you’ll regret it.

frankly, the very fact that you are considering this tells me you are in no fit place to be dating yourself. Work on yourself first until you understand proper boundaries and why this sounds like a disaster in the making.

This is sad, not that I'm judging anyone.

I lost my son a few years ago in a very traumatic way. Suffered from flashbacks, intrusive thoughts eventually diagnosed with PTSD.
Sought help, GP, support groups, psychotherapy leading to EMDR. I'm much improved but anniversaries, birthdays/death/Christmas etc are still difficult and I can be triggered by random things but have learnt to deal with them better though it can take several days of feeling hopeless and anxious.
It's especially difficult to access professional support atm.
I don't want to be around anyone close during those times because it makes it more complex, worrying about how it makes them feel, what they think of me and it would certainly impact a relationship.
I'm know I'm not ready, not for anything serious but I'm so lonely.

I totally get the red flag of someone being dependant on you for happiness but isn't that what happens anyway when two people start to fall for each other?

@FortunesFave

You've got children....so it's a no.

You can't afford the risk of having them exposed to any trauma.

I agree. Its not your responsibility to fix him. He needs to do that himself.

I would walk away.

Ask him ‘What do you intend to do about this?’ Let him see he has to take responsibility. Don’t take on his sadness or it will lead to you both resenting each other. You because you’ll go round in circles and he because he’s not getting any better. Take care of yourself and your kids. You will still be a lovely person. 💐

Well done for having the reaction that this was all wrong, OP.

Too many women end up playing - and enjoying playing - 'nurse' to a partner in this sort of situation, which is a really fucked up, sad circle of co-dependancy.

Walk away.

Google "women are not rehabilitation centres for men".

You're only a few weeks in, it should be light and fun.