Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Explain love bombing and what do you think about this?

50 replies

Frog23 · 16/01/2021 07:44

13 weeks into a new romance. We knew eachother just to speak to for a year if we saw eachother.

He has had 2 long term relationships since being 20. He's now mid forties. Got adult children. His social media is proof he's only had his long term relationship. Lots of photos of his ex and her family. Dogs. A couple of holidays.

He told me he loved me after six weeks. Which I felt the same so we now say it to eachother daily.

He communicates with me alot and it doesn't feel smothering. This lockdown has been made alot easier by his phone calls or me calling him. But he's the first man I've known to enjoy this level of communication. Lots of messages too.

We have sent gifts. But they are thoughtful. I was struggling to sleep and he sent me a body cream that helps you sleep.
I sent him a mat to help with achy muscles as he often aches after work. I'd been telling him about them for ages so sent it for Christmas almost and sent him some bath stuff with it. He then asked me Thursday what perfumes I like. He has sent me a perfume arriving today. Which is lovely.

He's not had many relationships as I say. He's quite shy about sex and women. Although he's more comfortable with me the last few weeks. He lost his mum in his twenties and he has always struggled with loosing her so young. He told me this week that he used to be able to tell his mum anything and he's never met anyone else until Me he can be so open with. Which is true. We've talked alot and do seem to have clicked on a deeper connection. But he has mentioned me when talking about his mum a couple of times now.

We were walking on Wednesday and he said to me he googled love and what it actually meant. I laughed and said really. He looked embarrassed and said he had. Because he's experiencing feelings now that he's never had and feels he's missed out. He said he feels that I'm the right women to talk to him.

He talks very respectfully of his ex of 8 years. They seperated 2 years ago. He is a complete gentleman about her. He said she was an attractive women and a lovely girl. They split because she couldn't handle his depression. He said she chose to go on holidays without him with friends and she went to Australia with her mates twice in two years but didn't want a UK holiday with him. So they sat down and agreed they wanted different things. He's never been bitter or nasty about her.

But Ive noticed a couple of things.
He says things that I've already said sometimes. Like he's mirroring me? For example I stretched on the phone once and said do you ever do a stretch and it feels so nice. He said the exact same sentence to me a few weeks later. I've noticed this a few times and think I said that.

He does tell me he loves me so much and he would cringe at people saying love at first sight in the past. He said the first time he saw me he thought wow. He knows exactly what I was wearing and he said he remembers my beautiful smile and the way I was leaning down a little because I was holding my son's hand. I know this is true because I got a message from a mutual friend who said he had told everyone he was stood with how lovely I was that day.

I fancied him straight away too. So I understand what he's saying.

We seem to have become very close quite quickly. But I just want to know what people think? It does feel natural. But I've not met such a keen bloke who says such sweet things before. .

OP posts:
Wanderlust20 · 16/01/2021 07:58

I think he sounds wonderful! Just enjoy having such a good man, maybe you're just not used to being with someone who treats you so well? Maybe someone else with more experience of love bombing can give you more insight but I can't see any red flags, for me personally. I think it's just the honeymoon period.

Lex345 · 16/01/2021 08:01

The I Love You was possibly a little quick, but I guess it depends on how much time you spend together, I accept sometimes people just click. There doesn't seem to be any immediate red flags-he sounds like he tends towards long term relationships, he doesn't speak disrespectfully of his ex and the mirroring wouldn't particularly worry me unless its almost everything, then its weird. You are right to keep your guard up, it is still early days and not the most normal circumstances, but some of what you have said sounds sweet (the remembering what you were wearing made me go "aww"). Don't rush other milestones now, though.

IBEX7 · 16/01/2021 08:23

It doesn’t sound like love bombing to me.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 16/01/2021 08:27

He sounds lovely. But read up on Neuro linguistic programming and see if you think he’s doing that? I have made friends with several people who I got close to quickly and later discovered they practised NLP and it definitely made me trust them/the relationship less. Just the thing you said about mirroring is an NLP tool.

itsme · 16/01/2021 08:28

He sounds like a keeper. Sometimes I feel that if we have been treated badly in the past we look for things to pick at with someone new.

Chocolate123 · 16/01/2021 08:32

Enjoy it for what is it which is a lovely relationship. Stop looking for negative things. They'll show themselves soon enough if there's any

whoami24601 · 16/01/2021 08:33

Me and DH said I love you after 6 weeks. We waited a year to get engaged but were talking about it from about 3 months in. We didn't want people to judge! This year will be our 16th year of being together and I love him more than ever! If it's right, then it's right.

Wanderlust20 · 16/01/2021 08:40

RE mirroring, just wanted to say I unconsciously do this with people I'm connecting with or close to! I didn't realise I did it until I was at uni, and learned about it in a class (can't remember which one). I don't think it is necessarily sinister, it's quite an inate thing and just means you're building a rapport.

Scaredykittycat · 16/01/2021 08:44

It sounds wonderful. Enjoy it.

Walkacrossthesand · 16/01/2021 08:51

I'm a little bit wary of 'you're the only person I've ever been able to talk to like this' - I've only heard it from people who turned out to be a bit phoney. Not necessarily abusive, so not a red flag as such, but just not quite emotionally honest.

I always think that, as adults who've been through relationships before and known disappointment/hurt, our instinct is to protect ourselves, and that includes 'not reaching out our hand further than we can pull it back'. Therefore, I am mistrustful of someone who makes these declarations relatively early on - they are likely to be nice words rather than true feelings being expressed.

But no harm in sticking around, see where it goes! Smile

Anniegetyourgun · 16/01/2021 09:07

Mm... could be nice and on the level, but sorry, gonna rain on your parade just a trifle. Perhaps it's just that I bristled when you say he called his ex a "lovely girl" - sort of way XH would talk about women, including me - what's wrong with that, you say? Just a turn of phrase, but also, potentially, belittling. Would you ever call him a lovely boy? But that could just be because that's the way XH used it, to kind of compliment me but put me down at the same time. To remind me he was the man.

Possible red flag 2: ex couldn't handle his depression. What form does that take? Is he, like my lovely DS2, a bit anxious, a bit of a moaner and worrier? Or are there behaviours you haven't come across yet that will make him more difficult to get on with once you're together full time?

Another bit of projection on my part: ex went on holidays without him, e.g. Australia, but wouldn't go on holidays with him. XH put something like this on his response to the divorce petition. Made me look like some kind of a jet-setter who left him looking after the DC while I whizzed about the world with friends. Truth was I couldn't drag him with me; he hated going away. One time he insisted on driving home in the middle of a holiday because he thought the house would be burgled Hmm He listed the trips I'd had but neglected to mention those were all the holidays I'd had in the last decade - like, three days in Jersey one year, a couple of days in Yorkshire with a friend another year, oh, and the furthest I went was Disneyland Paris with two of the DC - he persuaded the other two to keep him company at home. If your guy's idea of a UK holiday is faffing about in a tent with a metal detector, I'm with his ex, Australia with mates every time. Bear in mind that's two holidays in two years he's moaning about, fairly reasonable by most people's standards.

Lastly (oh god, this is a bit of an essay) he was with this woman for 8 years, and another long-term relationship before that, but never learned to really talk to either of them? Oh dear...

So to conclude, enjoy it for what it is, but keep your eyes and ears open and, in the words of MNHQ, don't give more, financially or emotionally, than you can afford. Time will tell where this is going. From what you've said about your current situation I take it there's no rush.

I know, I know, wet blanket, projecting etc etc. Sorry.

Anniegetyourgun · 16/01/2021 09:12

Oh yeah, about the jet-setting... I went on budget holidays to Greece with friends twice, when I was young and single. The first one was before I met XH, the second was just after we'd started dating but the holiday was booked, so I went on it anyway and we got together properly when I came back. He never shut up about it for 25 years.

SnoozyLou · 16/01/2021 09:12

You guys sound like my partner and me at the start. I was a bit put off initially because he was so keen. Like, he actually contacted me straight after dates and didn't leave me dangling!

It sounds stupid now but when we met, I'd been single for a while and, time after time, had dated men who got close, then pulled away, over and over. This was just a natural, open, cards on the table thing with none of the BS. We have 2 kids now and couldn't be happier.

I do not miss the days of waiting for the phone to ring (because you don't want to look too keen) and wondering if they really liked me (they didn't, or not enough).

WhoseThatGirl · 16/01/2021 09:17

I don’t think it’s wrong to have your wits about you and if he suffers from MH difficulties you might find he has ups and downs in terms of his attention towards you. Nothing you’ve said is a red flag if your happy with that level of intensity.

Sethy38 · 16/01/2021 09:17

I don’t know about love bombing

Odd, definitely

Palavah · 16/01/2021 09:22

It could be all fine and lovely, just a couple of things to be mindful of:

and he's never met anyone else until Me he can be so open with - at this early stage this is bizarre given that he's had 2 long-term relationships including the mother of his children.

For the same reasons, had to Google what love is is an odd thing to say.

I would also be curious about whether he still suffers from depression and how he manages it? If he feels over it what does he do to keep himself on an even keel?

The litmus test is how we behaves when things don't go as he was hoping/expecting, if you disagree, if you prioritise something or someone else over him. How does he respond then?

Respectabitch · 16/01/2021 09:24

There are a couple of things in your post that are pinging my Spidey sense. I'm with @Anniegetyourgun. So I'd keep my wits about me, but you should always do that anyway.

RUOKHon · 16/01/2021 09:31

He said he feels that I'm the right women to talk to him

Did you post about him the other day OP?

This sentence really jumped out at me and I’m sure I read it in a post the other day.

What does he mean by this do you think?

Clymene · 16/01/2021 09:47

I too would be wary about the 'you're the first woman' stuff. Two long term relationships and children and he's never felt like this before? That feels a bit off.

GreenlandTheMovie · 16/01/2021 11:14

I had one of those. Learned responses. The ideal man but couldn't keep it up and one day crashed spectacularly by admitting to cheating and ended it. He suffered from some form of depression that prevented him going on holiday or doing certain things out of his very dull routine, so I would be that ex girlfriend who went on holiday 2 years running without him - because otherwise I'd never have gone anywhere.

Be wary.

pinbinpin · 16/01/2021 12:32

Whst job does he do? I only ask because of the mirroring/NLP stuff. We are taught to do this at work and some of the top sales guys use NLP techniques all the time, you can tell they're just so used to doing it that they don't realise or slip into it. I am only peripheraly involved and have noticed myself doing it on occasion too, so it could just be that, with the mirroring.

Could he have autism or Asperger's do you think? hE reminded me of someone I know who has Asperger's and used to go very over the top about love and
relationships and feelings (not towards me). When I mentioned it he said it was because he didn't really understand how he should respond so was copying what he'd seen in films etc as he wanted them to like him.

Wanderlusto · 16/01/2021 12:47

It was nice to read until you mentioned:

  • he said he's never met someone he can be so open with (what about his last two long term relationships?!). So that's bs. It's really common for narcissists to say 'I've never met someone like you're ect...
  • I noticed he repeated my sentence back word for word as if it were his own (actually fucking run if you notice this shit btw! Its prime narcissist territory! They repeat your words back to you/to others and dont give credit. And your gut goes 'hang on a minute....?'. Listen to it!).

I'm sorry to say op that this does sound like it might be love bombing. Please be careful. I'd have been off at the second point because its one of the key things I look out for as red flags to spot early on when dating. It seems like such a little thing but it's really not! It is mirroring, as you mentioned.

Read up on how to spot narcissists and how they love bomb. And just trust you gut, always. If you want to continue seeing how this goes then just dont let him move in with you for a long time or try for kids with him.

You may find he will blow cold at some point. Or perhaps start to vanish and then reappear (once you are worried sick) with crap excuses. Or you may notice inconsistencies in his stories. These can be further indicators to look out for.

Keep safe!

Hailtomyteeth · 16/01/2021 12:51

Might all be kosher, might not. Certainly wouldn't throw it away. Go with it. Everything might be ok. If not, you can move on.

Every man I've ever known (intimately) has said 'I've never known anyone like you!' When I was a young woman, I got quite worried about it. What was different about me? Now, I think it's just something they say. Grin

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 16/01/2021 12:53

he said he's never met someone he can be so open with (what about his last two long term relationships?!). So that's bs. It's really common for narcissists to say 'I've never met someone like you're ect

I agree- this is kinda classic text book love bombing.

What I'd do is observe. The way you tell sincerity is if his actions match his words most of the time. So, if he says "of course I respect that you need your space!" but then bombards you with texts asking where you are then thats not a match- he isnt being genuine. His words do NOT match his actions.

if he says "we all have exes and thats normal" but then proceeds to grill you about yours and what went wrong and gets angry and moody about the topic then he's not being genuine.

and so on....

Wanderlusto · 16/01/2021 13:04

Also op...he 'googled love'. Really :/ sorry but...wtf.

And his ex wife of 8 years left 'because of his depression'. Hmm...must have been done pretty bad depression op if even his wife couldn't stick it (and that's IF isnt using 'depression' as an excuse for actually meaning he was just an absolute bastard). Everything else aside I'd be backing away with that info alone.