Sending flowers

[mildlymiffed]

So I have a lovely newish dp. Seeing each other circa 6 months, both separated with kids, and spend quite a bit of time together on our child free days. Going well.

He has a hobby which involves collaborating with others virtually. Male and female globally. He's hopeful that one day this hobby will be professional so invests time and money into it. Fine with me- makes him happy.

One of his co-collaborators is female- mid 30s- single. Seems really nice. She sent him chocs from her home country for Xmas which I thought was a sweet gesture.

He got them yesterday- slow Xmas post obviously. He then said he was going to send her a bunch of flowers.

In all honesty this made me feel weird! And I vocalised that. In my mind, flowers by post are for romantic interests, or close family. There are exceptions of course, if someone is ill, just had a baby, died etc.

If I received flowers from a male friend, I would think it was a bit odd. I don't think my mum would be comfortable with my dad sending a female friend flowers, nor do I think my dp would be happy if I just received random flowers from a guy (even though he said it wouldn't bother him).

He says that it's sad that I think this way. I agree that it probably is sad, but that culturally flowers from a guy to a female friend is usually perceived as a romantic gesture (outside the occasions I've listed above).

We had a bit of a disagreement last night, and I'm a bit sad that he can't see why I'm annoyed at him wanting to send flowers to another woman!

Would you send flowers to a female friend? Then why can't a male?

I think you are over reacting here, sorry.

Saying that, flowers to me are a bland, easy, generic (read as lazy) present for women. From either sex.

I hasten to add that I suggest other things that wouldn't be viewed as being romantic- wine, cocktails, biscuits, scented candle. I'm not opposed to a reciprocal gift, just the idea of flowers to another woman made me feel a bit

Have to admit it wouldn’t bother me - I send flowers to male and female friends as it’s easy and can be done from overseas. I get them quite a lot as all my friends know I love flowers and never think of it romantically. My boss even orders them for me sometimes if I’ve worked hard and done a good job on something. Would you think differently if it were a plant? It’s just a present.

@SweatyBetty20 no, wouldn't have an issue with sending a plant! I just think cut flowers from a guy to a single lady- rightly or wrongly- symbolise romance!

It wouldn't bother me either if I'm honest. I've received flowers from male friends of mine and it's been platonic

I'll go against the grain here and say it would make me a bit uncomfortable. I would say a card to say thank you would be nice. May just be insecurities on my end but I do get where you're coming from OP.

It would bother me too. Do they chat 1:1? Why is she sensing him gifts? Does she know about you?

Wouldn't bother me at all if DP sent flowers to a female friend for a particular reason (it might if he did it 'just because'). I have a couple of close male friends and likewise in the right scenario wouldn't find it at all odd to receive flowers from them. I think you're over thinking it a bit OP.

Could he send flowers to his Mum? Or a female colleague as a Thank You for help on something big, or a congratulations for a promotion? Then why not to this Lady as a thank you for a gift?

@roses2 yes they chat 1:1. I don't have an issue about that, or even that she sent him a box of chocolates. And yes, she knows about me. The hobby they have needs to be done collaboratively, so they've become friends via that. That doesn't bother me.

But, in my mind, as a guy you don't send another woman flowers! Yes, I know it's double standards, as I'd send my female friends flowers... but I wouldn't say, send a male friend underwear! Just feels like a bit of a line!

@DuzzyFuck the scenarios you paint I wouldn't have any issue with someone sending flowers.

But as a "gift" to another woman, it just doesn't sit well with me. I can't pretend it's logical- just "it feels" like it isn't right.

I agree, it doesn’t seem right.
Why not send her some sweets/choc from his home country.

Why did she send him chocolate did she send all the people she chats to a gift? That wouldn't be sitting right with me.
Flowers are fairly easy to have delivered abroad so seems like a simple and nice gift in return but I wouldn't be happy they were exchanging gifts in the first place

@mildlymiffed Does it help if you frame it as a thank you gift for the unexpected Christmas chocolates, and one that's quick and easy to send abroad and doesn't require non-essential shopping?

If he sends chocolates in return they could take weeks; using interflora for a florist near her home could mean she has them today.

@DuzzyFuck it may have helped if he'd said that initially! But that wasn't his logic! (There didn't sound to be much logic- other than flowers are nice).

I now look like a green eyed monster- which I don't think I am...

I just don't like it!

I think this will be a divisive subject, OP!

I am of the same opinion as you. If a male friend of mine sent me flowers I would think he'd either gone barmy or he had feelings for me. I admit it has left me feeling uneasy when DH has sent flowers to female acquaintances. DH seems to think he's doing 'a nice thing' by sending flowers to these women. Yet I think it devalues the gesture of buying flowers for loved ones, personally. It all depends on one's attitude to flowers I suppose. It is not 'sad' that you have the perspective you do; you are entitled to your opinion.

I would also add that it can become problematic when the women receiving the flowers misinterprets the gesture, especially if they do not have a partner themselves.

@EpochTime you've summed it up in a much more measured way then I did! And hit the nail on the head. I've only had flowers from guys when dating, or (rarely!) when i was married! If a male friend sent me some now- I would wonder what was going on with him! As you say, who knew that the simple act of giving flowers could be so divisive!

In my mind, flowers by post are for romantic interests, or close family.

I love giving flowers, they are my favourite thing. For friends, for visiting people, for marking occasions and to say thank you.

As PP have mentioned, they are relatively convenient to arrange from afar so easy fir friends in other countries.

Because they are so transient, they are for me the perfect gift, especially for people you don't know very well. Even if they don't like them, you will have made the thank you gesture and there is no expectation that they will be around for ever.

Unlike so many other 'gifts'

I think flowers are easy to arrange especially for a doorstep delivery. I’ve done it a few times, it’s convenient

I think that's fine and a nice gesture. When dh and I first started dating (we were expats living in another country), he brought me along to the post office to ship lots of gifts home to his female friends. Not a problem. He wasn't romantically interested in them, was very loyal to me (they also had long term partners who he had met). It turns out he's just a really thoughtful kind person who cares a lot about buying people gifts. He's still like that. I would say it sounds like he's a nice guy, and as this friend is in another country, it's not exactly a threat. I would take it at face value unless there is some reason to believe he is misleading you.

Also some cultures would always give flowers - even if you were just meeting a friend for lunch

I'm with you op I wouldn't like it either, I would expect if she's sending him a gift it's like a thank you gesture, it's weird for him to send flowers back, if it was a guy, would he? I think not!

It would bother me

Personally I feel that if he was sending her flowers for any other reason than reciprocating a gift, you wouldn't even know about him doing it.

@EpochTime

I would also add that it can become problematic when the women receiving the flowers misinterprets the gesture, especially if they do not have a partner themselves.

This.

I have a single friend who interprets any friendliness by men she fancies (married or single) as a sign that they are also interested in her. It has caused a few problems for her, and for the men.