Depression - the unwanted intruder

[Jackie34]

This is my first post and I don't really know where to start if I'm honest. There's so much to say...

Apart from my MIL, I've never spoken to anyone. Not too sure why if you were to ask me. Loyalty to my husband? fear? embarrassment? I really don't know why.

I love my husband with all my heart, I really do. His depression however, makes me feel like I'm married to two different men. I've supported and listened and tried my hardest. I am no angel. I get stressed as much as the next person and a little impatient at times, but not all the time. I honestly feel like I do everything I can, to help.

I believe that he also has undiagnosed ADHD - which on top of depression, adds a whole new dynamic to our situation, but I try to be empathetic. I'm not saying that I'm always successful but my intentions are good. He has been on antidepressants on and off for a number of years, even prior to our marriage, although it didn't rear its ugly head until about a year before our marriage and it was a brief, circumstantial episode as opposed to the type he can get for no reason at all.

The resentment has grown to a scary new level and I don't know what to do. He says vile things to me in an argument, blames me for not being supportive - yet after my miscarriage earlier this year, he told me that "there is nothing there, so you should just get over it" I'm making him sound hard, he really isn't. He was sad about the miscarriage too and supportive up until that day, when he just couldn't handle my sadness. Some of his depressive behaviours make me feel like I can never have a problem because his are "bigger" they make me feel selfish for needing emotional support from him, they make me feel like a bad person. I've read so much about adhd and depression, tried to get it through to him that I'm not an enemy and on good days he agrees and says that I'm his rock. On bad ones, I'm selfish and all manner of horrible things. I feel insecure, sad and lonely. Lockdown has not been good for him or our marriage. He gets angry. Never physical but angry never the less. We have 3, happy children who are not aware of the arguments, but it must affect them none the less.

When things are good, they're wonderful but when they're not, it's sad and destructive in our house. Communication fails. He will not go to couples counselling because he doesn't understand why I have got a problem. I just don't know how to cope?

Has anyone had any experience with this? x

Yes. You will tire eventually of being told to "get over it" when you need support, and then see the light and find somekne supportive. I was you once, couldnt even get a hug when I needed one because "theres no point to them".

Thank you for your reply. I'm glad you found the peace and support that you needed, torquewench x

I don't have a lot of advice for you but wanted to say that it all sounds horribly familiar. My husband eventually had CBT and went on antidepressants which is great after years of refusing to do so. He now thinks he's cured. We all know it's not that easy.
I asked him to move out in October and we've had marriage counselling which did help me if not our issues so I would recommend counselling for yourself if you could afford to. He still doesn't see what was so bad that I ended it even after the counselling.

Depression isn't a free pass to be nasty and it doesn't suddenly change your moral compass. It can trap you in your mind, make it impossible for you to provide support, make you feel like everyone hates you and so on. But saying vile things and thinking it's ok to do so, is not his depression, that's who he is. You can't change him, you cant save him from himself, it's up to him to seek support. You can support but it should not be at the expense of destroying your own MH. It shouldn't be at the expense of your DC. DC need at least one parent who is putting them first and it sounds like their dad isn't capable of that.

I suppose that's what I've been asking myself. When is enough, enough. Do I have to put up with it in order to be a supportive wife? Have I done enough? I feel guilty that maybe I haven't exhausted every avenue, that I haven't tried hard enough or maybe I'm not supportive? I don't know, but he makes me second guess myself and I know that I try, but it's never enough for him. There's so much advice out there for the depressed spouse which is great, lots about how to help your depressed spouse, yet not so much on how it affects the non depressed spouse and how to help them to cope. Living with depression isn't easy for anyone. I don't want to abandon him if he needs me, he's a loving supportive husband when things are good, but there's always the depression lingering in the background. He's had therapy through his work but I'm not sure it's helped our marriage. Thank you for your reply LoopyLoulley...I hope you've found happiness x

Thank you HereIAmOnceAgain, you're right x

It's still quite early days for me to have found happiness but I can tell you that I get in bed each night and feel calm. I don't think I realised how anxious I felt waiting for the next "conversation" and always having to manage the kids combined with his exhaustion/moods and trying to be supportive. The kids and I are on more of an even keel now. That's why I think counselling would have helped deal with the tangle of thoughts and guilt.
I don't hate my husband and made sure to tell him that I wanted us to parent as a team and I'd still be supportive but I couldn't live together anymore.

Thank you, I'm going to look in to counselling for myself, as he is adamant he doesn't to want to attend with me. Those anxious feelings are very familiar. Crying myself to sleep has become a habit that I want to get rid of. I'm glad you've found some inner calm and peace, LoopyLoulley, happiness might be a long way off but you deserve it x

It sounds like you've tried lots of things to make this work and help him.

What has he done to help himself? Does he see what you have done to support him or is it always what you haven't done that is noticed? Is he medicating? How does he work towards maintain I his wellbeing?

Nobody is perfect and I realise that but I'm proactive. I learn from mistakes that we've both made, I read up and educate myself, I try to put everything I read into practice, I reach out to him and sometimes we have open, positive communication, but the minute I have any form of an opposing opinion, it goes from 0-60 in seconds, no matter how I word it. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells, should sit quiet and be the "good wife"

Absolutely that, he always focusses on the things I haven't done. I work a stressful job, look after the children and our home. He helps around the house, he likes to be doing something and I am always appreciative of the things he does do for me/us. However, when a disagreement arises or he is in a mood, he very much uses this against me. Yes, he is medicating, a very high dose too.

That might not be how his mind works at the moment.
Maybe on good days he's grateful for the help, on bad days it's never enough. Maybe everyday he's doing his best to help himself by going through the motions of normal life but can't see that that's not actually helping him. Maybe he's just a selfish you know what who can't be arsed. Sometimes you can't even tell anymore. I'm just guessing though.

If you asked him what he's doing to help himself what would he say? Or does he not think his depression is a problem at the moment?

I agree with what you're saying LL. That's exactly how it goes. Waking up and not knowing if it will be a good or bad day is becoming incredibly exhausting now, especially on top of everyday life struggles. I'm a key worker and have not had a day off during either lockdown and it's draining. I'm definitely going to seek support from a counsellor. I think that could really help me.

He sees his depression as a problem for him. If I ask him that, he always says "Leave me alone, I know what I need to do"

For example, during our last argument, to try to diffuse I walked away then when he'd calmed down, I suggested that we both write down 5 things we love about each other and 5 ways that we can help each other and 5 things we would like to do more of...He thought that was a ridiculous idea and refused. I know men and women are different but he expects so much without putting effort in himself. I've given him space, but then he feels alone, He asks for support but in the next breath I'm smothering. I feel like I'm being pushed and pulled in all different directions. I'd like to think there's light at the end of the tunnel but I can't see it. Hopefully a counsellor could help? x

I think you need to make sure he knows it's a problem for you. You're not happy. Things have to change. Sometimes getting one key point across before you duck and smooth things over again. Let him think on it then try the next point (or the same one again) . It's overwhelming to bring it all up and expect a coherent response there and then. But I think you'd have to persevere and make things even rockier for a while by keep bringing things up. At the moment he has no need to change. It's fine for him, you're his crutch.

blames me for not being supportive - yet after my miscarriage earlier this year, he told me that "there is nothing there, so you should just get over it" I'm making him sound hard, he really isn't.

He is. Or at least he was then.

He may well be depressed, yes, but his mental health does not trump anyone else's.

I have diagnoses of bipolar and ADHD. I also have epilepsy. None of those things mean a partner is obligated to be with me if it is affecting their own mental health.

If he doesn't get that, he isn't being fair on you. He is prioritising his wants and needs above yours. That isn't what love looks like.

Also I'm so sorry you've been through a pregnancy loss

@LoopyLoulley calm sounds amazing to me. " I don't think I realised how anxious I felt waiting for the next "conversation" and always having to manage the kids combined with his exhaustion/moods and trying to be supportive. The kids and I are on more of an even keel now. That's why I think counselling would have helped deal with the tangle of thoughts and guilt.". This all really resonates with me.

Though DH is mostly moody/angry, he's had periods of depression. No interest in seeking help for any of it. It's always my fault. If I just supported him better or did more or we had more sex he'd be coping fine. Everything is always my fault. I had to withdraw from him because I realised he was damaging me so much it was effecting my ability to be a good mum to our SN boys. I couldn't do it for myself and I'm still working on extracting myself from our marriage, but I'm no longer trying to fix things.

I really regret not leaving 2 years ago. I kept thinking if I could just say the right thing I could reach him, fix our marriage. But I can't fix it when he's completely unwilling to see his part in things. He did suggest once we did marriage counselling but he said I needed to go to fix my warped thinking. I'm sure he'll hold that over me when we split, saying he was willing to go and I refused. I didn't see the point of giving him another opportunity to guilt and gaslight me.

I read this last year which made me feel proactive and helped a bit after seeing it recommended on here.
Depression Fallout: The Impact of Depression on Couples and What You Can Do to Preserve the Bond
It did make me worry a bit that I was the depressed person causing our issues at first but I persevered
Sorry tried to post this last night but the WiFi was being rubbish (and I don't know how to function it)
I think our husbands are all reading from the same script! It's weird how similar some of it sounds.
I also worried the counsellor would be fooled but I guess they've seen it all before! She was lovely.

Jackie what does your MIL say?
If you have her on side that would be a huge help

Thank you for all of your replies. The site went down last night and I ended up falling asleep. MIL is on side and is aware of how he can be. We both love him and want to help him but no support is ever enough. He expects me to cuddle him everytime he gets upset, I on the other am quite capable of falling asleep crying, without the need for reassurance in the form of a cuddle...

@LoopyLoulley I've just ordered the book 🙌🏻 thank you.

@HereIAmOnceAgain .** I kept thinking if I could just say the right thing I could reach him, fix our marriage. But I can't fix it when he's completely unwilling to see his part in things.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

This is exactly how I feel. I've come to realise that I can't fix him, but to have some recognition is all I'm asking for and I don't think that's unreasonable.

@youvegottenminuteslynn thank you, it was tough, especially through the first lockdown, as I couldn't have anyone with me. I had to have numerous scans and appointments on my own and then after two months, ended up in hospital for a week and having a blood transfusion and then a d&c. Do you mind me asking at what age you were diagnosed with ADHD? I'm 90% sure my husband has it, and although there is no cure, I think maybe to have the understanding of why he feels the way he does sometimes may help us both? Or maybe I'm clutching at straws x

I meant to add that he went for an assessment for ADHD. I went with him for support and the go pretty much said that it sounds as if he could but that as he has dealt with it for all this time, that a diagnosis would make no difference. Of course, he was happy with that. So I didn't force it x

A diagnosis could make a difference to his MH. With a diagnosis he could try medication, which could make a difference to how he feels and how well his mind functions. A friends Adhd child loves his medication because it allows him to think clearly, to focus, to feel less overwhelmed and anxious. There are also techniques he can to support executive functions in the brain. There's also the validation of having it confirmed and the knowledge about why he struggles with certain things and strategies that can support him to cope better.

Thank you all so much for your replies. I really appreciate your help xx