Depression - the unwanted intruder

[Jackie34]

This is my first post and I don't really know where to start if I'm honest. There's so much to say...

Apart from my MIL, I've never spoken to anyone. Not too sure why if you were to ask me. Loyalty to my husband? fear? embarrassment? I really don't know why.

I love my husband with all my heart, I really do. His depression however, makes me feel like I'm married to two different men. I've supported and listened and tried my hardest. I am no angel. I get stressed as much as the next person and a little impatient at times, but not all the time. I honestly feel like I do everything I can, to help.

I believe that he also has undiagnosed ADHD - which on top of depression, adds a whole new dynamic to our situation, but I try to be empathetic. I'm not saying that I'm always successful but my intentions are good. He has been on antidepressants on and off for a number of years, even prior to our marriage, although it didn't rear its ugly head until about a year before our marriage and it was a brief, circumstantial episode as opposed to the type he can get for no reason at all.

The resentment has grown to a scary new level and I don't know what to do. He says vile things to me in an argument, blames me for not being supportive - yet after my miscarriage earlier this year, he told me that "there is nothing there, so you should just get over it" I'm making him sound hard, he really isn't. He was sad about the miscarriage too and supportive up until that day, when he just couldn't handle my sadness. Some of his depressive behaviours make me feel like I can never have a problem because his are "bigger" they make me feel selfish for needing emotional support from him, they make me feel like a bad person. I've read so much about adhd and depression, tried to get it through to him that I'm not an enemy and on good days he agrees and says that I'm his rock. On bad ones, I'm selfish and all manner of horrible things. I feel insecure, sad and lonely. Lockdown has not been good for him or our marriage. He gets angry. Never physical but angry never the less. We have 3, happy children who are not aware of the arguments, but it must affect them none the less.

When things are good, they're wonderful but when they're not, it's sad and destructive in our house. Communication fails. He will not go to couples counselling because he doesn't understand why I have got a problem. I just don't know how to cope?

Has anyone had any experience with this? x

I had an ex like this. Turned out he really was a selfish twat with depression. But he wore the depression like a bloody badge. Lost jobs and disengaged from normal life.

It was exhausting. Walking on egg shells and trying never to upset him. It was just enabling him to remain the same.

Do you mind me asking at what age you were diagnosed with ADHD?

Of course not! Totally happy to answer any questions you have. I wasn't diagnosed with either bipolar or ADHD formally until I was 30! But looking back and also reading about them it's been so painfully obvious j should have been diagnosed sooner as I'm a pretty textbook case of both.

I am on meds for both and am calm, happy and to be honest don't have any of the behaviours that led to my diagnosis now, other than finding it hard to shut up when I'm excited about a particular subject. But that of course is part personality, I'm conscious not everything is down to my diagnosed things.

I've been very lucky that me having bipolar and ADHD hasn't hugely interfered in my relationships other than exacerbating an abusive one I am very glad I escaped. But if any partner had found my behaviour intolerable and wanted to leave, pre or post diagnosis then I would have respected their decision rather than feeling they owed me a relationship. I might have been sad and asked if we could try again but I have never felt anyone HAS to stay because I suffer with periods of depression for example.

Nobody's mental health trumps the other person's in a relationship. Ever. Don't forget that.

Agree with @youvegottenminuteslynn. Nobody owes someone else a relationship. And his MH needs don't trump the MH needs of you and your DC. Whether he has undiagnosed Adhd or not you don't owe it to him to keep trying. After everything he's put you through your more than entitled to say enough. You've gone above and beyond trying to help him and supporting him at a large cost to your own health.

Can I ask how hard he has tried? He is the one with the illness he should be researching the solution?

You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure (fix) it.

You sound like you have been nothing but loving and giving but love in this situation isn't enough. Someone upthread mentioned the Depression fallout book by Anne Sheffield. There is alsoa website inspired by it called Depressionfalloutmessageboard and a General Discussion forum to talk with other carers.

The advice given is to try to start to emotionally detach from your P and to look solely at preserving your own mental health. Yor DC need you. This might mean removing yourself once the Dc are in bed, so you have some quiet time and space alone on your laptop or reading etc. I'd also start thinking about your red lines/boundaries if you want to stay. I found Lundy Bancroft's book Should I stay or should I go? useful for this. Lay down some rules. My P finally properly engaged with help when I threatened to leave if he didn't make changes and abide by my boundaries and he knew I actually meant it (don't make empty threats). It wasn't love that made him worry about splitting , it was that (as he had no one else to turn to offering a nest) he thought "he'd end up a dirty tramp." Stand up for yourself.

Does your P take his meds? If they aren't helping does he need to switch them or is he being emotionally abusive because he is frustrated with his own life? You shouldn't be his "whipping boy". Couples counselling isn't recommended where there is abuse, it often starts from the premise that both parties are to blame and you may end up being presented with a list of things to change/do and you know that still won't be good enough. If you can afford it you need seperate counselling and not NHS telephone cbt.

Someone upthread mentioned enabling and I think you should consider if you facilitate that because of how much you love your P. (also look at codependency)

Could your P move into his parents or somewhere to give you space/allow him to focus on himself?

Do you relax when he goes out and have a slight dread when his key is in the door. It's okay to split even if you feel he is very ill. You can still care for someone whilst also knowing leaving is the best thing. His illness and MH does not trump yours.

Amazing how many abusive assholes used depression as an excuse. Maybe he is depressed maybe he is just your standard but job who thinks if he treats you like shit and then cries 'depression' you won't feel like you can stand up for your self/leave.

Who cares which one it is tbh, just get yourself out of there! Run for the bloody hills. You dont owe anyone anything once they start to abuse you.

Yes, counciling sounds good - for yourself. To help you learn self love so that you can see that you are not obligated to put up with abuse.

*standard nut job