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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Domestic dispute

40 replies

LydiaAmbrose1 · 15/01/2021 01:48

Advice needed please, I’m going out of my mind sick with worry. A few days ago me and my husband had a fall out and I walked out of the living room and slammed the door loudly. The children were in the living room at the time. Husband then followed me into the hallway and pushed me and I thought he was going to hit me so I panicked and called the police. I hung up when I realised he wasn’t going to hit me, but because I’d rung without really speaking to anyone, they called back and asked what had happened. I explained that we had had a fall out and he’d pushed me, but that was all. The police have been round tonight and took us to separate rooms. As it was technically physical (I was pushed) the police said it was common assault but it wouldn’t be taken further unless I wanted it to be (I don’t). Meanwhile my husband was telling the other police officer that I get the red most occasionally and have thrown things or slammed doors. Now I’m worried sick about social services. They took details of the kids, but the police lady I spoke to said she could see the kids were well looked after and from a nice home and if social services did contact us, just to cooperate. I’ve heard some scary stories about them getting heavy handed so I’m terrified. It was literally a row that resulted in a push, but was will SS think as the kids were in the living room and witnessed the door slamming (but not the push?) Will they want to visit? Will they contact the kids school? Will we be on record now? Will they expect me to kick husband out for a push? Absolutely worried sick

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 15/01/2021 01:50

Will they expect me to kick husband out for a push?

I certainly hope you do. His violence will only get worse.

singlemummanurse · 15/01/2021 01:57

Slamming doors and pushing are not OK for kids to witness op. This is not a good environment for your children and if yourself and your husband keep on with this behaviour then you are damaging your children.
With regards to social services, be honest with them and follow any advise or instructions. Whether they will insist on you and husband separating will depend on the level of risk they assess your children to be at.
Is this an isolated incident or has your husband laid hands on you before?

Original poster
LydiaAmbrose1 · 15/01/2021 02:40

This was an isolated incident. Obviously I’m very regretful that we had the row in the first place and that I slammed the door, but honestly who hasn’t slammed a door or huffed or puffed when they’ve been annoyed? The police didn’t seem at all concerned and actually said they could see how well the kids were looked after, but I know SS may take a different approach

OP posts:
singlemummanurse · 15/01/2021 03:05

Slamming doors and pushing your partner are not normal behaviours. Arguments and disagreements in relationships are normal but escalating to slamming doors and pushing is definitely not normal or acceptable especially when children are present. Please do not downplay the seriousness of this, you had to phone the police as your partner assaulted you and you thought they were going to further assault you. This is not OK. I'm not judging op but minimising this will make things worse. You need to understand the gravity of this even if this is the first time. If it can happen once with the right stressor, what is to stop it from happening again and next time worse? You need to be thinking about that and how it effects your children and how you are going to prevent that, even if that means separating from your partner while you both get help.

wombat1a · 15/01/2021 08:37

Seriously from reading this "Meanwhile my husband was telling the other police officer that I get the red most occasionally and have thrown things or slammed doors. Now I’m worried sick about social services."

I think the question should be what are you doing to protect your husband and kid from yourself and if anyone should be leaving it seems it should be you. Get counselling and sort yourself out before everyone else gets blamed for your actions.

7yo7yo · 15/01/2021 08:40

@wombat1a so that gives her “D”H the right to push her? No fucker has the right to lay hands violently on anyone else other than self defence.
OP take steps and seperate.
You are not a good combination.
Sounds like you both need anger management and counselling if you are slamming doors all the time and he is pushing.

smoothchange · 15/01/2021 08:40

This was an isolated incident.

Bollocks it was. He will hit you next time.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 15/01/2021 08:42

Do you throw things OP or was he making that up?

user1493413286 · 15/01/2021 08:48

It’s not just an isolated incident if youve thrown things and a push rarely comes out of nowhere then doesn’t happen again. There’s a build up to it getting to the point where he does that and it’ll carry on to more. It’s a red flag that he takes the opportunity to try and make you into the perpetrator; I’d watch for that.
The whole experience would have been scary for your children no matter how nice your house is and how healthy your kids look (which is what the police mean when they say well looked after as that’s all they had to go on).
Realistically social services may not do all that much but I think there are bigger issues for you to think about - the fact that you were scared enough to call the police, you genuinely thought he’d hurt you, that he tried to make you into the bad one, that this will likely escalate, that your children shouldn’t have to live in a home where things like this happen

MamaTookMyEyebrows · 15/01/2021 08:49

Is it true that you throw things etc? Was he lying about that?

CapitalB · 15/01/2021 08:50

From a social services point of view (and police) it was good that you rang. It’s a tick in the box that Someone in the house alerted them - not a neighbour calling. If you know what I mean.

I have experience with DV both personally and in my job.

Once the line of physical contact (push, shove) is crossed then he will break the next line and Hit you or throw something at you.

You may not believe me but perpetrators rarely stop at one point. They will push further.

He’s also had no compunction shopping you to the police so I‘d be wary trusting him with anything. He will stab you (not physical) in the back.

Social Services will come and Interview the children. Don’t damage your poor kids by censoring them or making excuses. SS are well trained to spot parents coercing their children.

This incident could be the making of you and your kids. Get him out, the kids don’t deserve to witness Domestic Abuse. Get help from SS and rebuild your life. I feel your pain but you shouldn’t bring your kids up with the role model of a male who is violent. What if he extends that violence to them? Imagine growing up in a house where you hear these things happening. It’s truly frightening for children. It will take a toll on you.

MamaTookMyEyebrows · 15/01/2021 08:51

It’s not normal OP. I’m not going to say my husband and I never argue - of course we do. As in, we bicker sometimes. We never scream and shout or slam doors or push each other or throw things. That’s not what people do.

user1493413286 · 15/01/2021 08:51

Also stop throwing things and slamming doors; I’ve seen so many injuries from things being thrown and bouncing off to people and hands slammed in doors even if that wasn’t the intention. I’ve seen children caught in the crossfire too when they suddenly appear from bed when the parent thought they were asleep

CapitalB · 15/01/2021 08:52

So yes, I would support prosecution and make him leave the house. Speak to the female officers who attended how to get the help you need.

CapitalB · 15/01/2021 08:55

THIS ->

„It’s a red flag that he takes the opportunity to try and make you into the perpetrator; I’d watch for that.“

What @user1493413286 said rings true. He will fuck you over next time and there will be a next time. Then you’ll cry in court if the judge says the kids ought to stay with him because you’re getting done for domestic violence..

DuzzyFuck · 15/01/2021 08:57

who hasn’t slammed a door or huffed or puffed when they’ve been annoyed?

Huffing and puffing yes, but I don't think I've slammed a door in anger since I was a hormonal teen. None of this sounds good OP, it's not a healthy environment for your DC if rows are escalating to screaming, slamming things around and now physical pushing.

There are Women here with much more experience and better advice than I but it really sounds like you both need to seek some kind of help, sooner rather than later.

Hidehi4 · 15/01/2021 09:02

It doesn’t matter how nice your home is or how well looked after the children are. Believe me it can be classed as emotional abuse and this can lead to a child protection plan. Social services don’t look at if you have done the dishes they look at how your actions impact on your children’s mental health. How did the children react when you were arguing? Were they frightened or were they not bothered because they are used to? You must of felt unsafe and didn’t know how far it was going to escalate because you wouldn’t of rang the police, so how do you think the children felt.

MrsBobDylan · 15/01/2021 09:26

You rang the Police after he pushed you - I would guess this isn't the first incident and that others have escalated further.

What a shit show for your kids. I say this on every thread like this (and there are so many it is utterly depressing) but I had parents where things escalated into dv and after years of therapy, I very comfortably don't love either of my parents, particularly my Mother.

I can recognise that my Dad at least loved us but my Mum spent her life goading my Dad and once he'd hit her, she had all 'the power' as he was ashamed of what he'd done. She used to hit us before anyone worries about her victim status.

What a bloody mess.

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 15/01/2021 09:41

He ran with that opportunity didn't he. He made sure to paint you as a potential abuser saying you often get the red mist. Makes him look like a victim.
Slamming doors in not on, you need to stop reacting that way when you are annoyed, stay calm.

Original poster
LydiaAmbrose1 · 15/01/2021 12:53

No I don’t throw things. I’m not a violent person. I walked away from the incident. I came here for some support, but I have to say I feel worse than ever. I feel like they are going to take my babies away and I have been hung, drawn and quartered when I am a good person

OP posts:
smoothchange · 15/01/2021 13:00

@LydiaAmbrose1

No I don’t throw things. I’m not a violent person. I walked away from the incident. I came here for some support, but I have to say I feel worse than ever. I feel like they are going to take my babies away and I have been hung, drawn and quartered when I am a good person

People just want you to listen.

The only person who is going to take your babies is you. Take them away from him. Protect yourself from this man and protect your children too.

Don't feel bad because people are pointing out he is a cunt. That's not your fault. It's his. People just want you to realise it, before it's too late

Spongebobsquarefringe · 15/01/2021 13:22

When police deal with any incident and child details are taken they get out on a system as a come to notice and this is shared, social services then decide what to do, might be a letter of no further action, a visit etc.

He took his opportunity to turn it on you that is typical abuser traits right there. You were scared enough to call the police, let me tell you from experience it starts off as a little shove here and there it will escalate. He got away with that one really didn’t he? He knows you won’t take it further. I’m not saying these things to be an arse I have been on the end of physical and emotional abuse, I escaped eventually, took me a couple failed attempts, SS didn’t want to see me or my children because I left them home with my children to a place of safety and never looked backed.

Original poster
LydiaAmbrose1 · 15/01/2021 13:25

Thank you. I am leaving that is a certainty. I’m just concerned about the picture he has portrayed of me which just isn’t true

OP posts:
BeautifulandWilfulandDead · 15/01/2021 13:28

@MrsBobDylan I'm really sorry that was your experience growing up, but no one deserves to be hit (adult or child), no matter how aggravating they are.

CapitalB · 15/01/2021 13:31

If it’s not true this is your opportunity to press charges and support the prosecution.

Next time he might goad you and then you’ll be the one who gets charged.

I am certainly not one to judge but I am genuinely worried for you. Most of us on here are being brutal with the truth because they have seen this played out a thousand times and know the outcome of such a relationship. Leave got yourself and most importantly your children’s sakes. Call that officer and ask for help. Police will support you. And so will social services.