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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Domestic dispute

40 replies

LydiaAmbrose1 · 15/01/2021 01:48

Advice needed please, I’m going out of my mind sick with worry. A few days ago me and my husband had a fall out and I walked out of the living room and slammed the door loudly. The children were in the living room at the time. Husband then followed me into the hallway and pushed me and I thought he was going to hit me so I panicked and called the police. I hung up when I realised he wasn’t going to hit me, but because I’d rung without really speaking to anyone, they called back and asked what had happened. I explained that we had had a fall out and he’d pushed me, but that was all. The police have been round tonight and took us to separate rooms. As it was technically physical (I was pushed) the police said it was common assault but it wouldn’t be taken further unless I wanted it to be (I don’t). Meanwhile my husband was telling the other police officer that I get the red most occasionally and have thrown things or slammed doors. Now I’m worried sick about social services. They took details of the kids, but the police lady I spoke to said she could see the kids were well looked after and from a nice home and if social services did contact us, just to cooperate. I’ve heard some scary stories about them getting heavy handed so I’m terrified. It was literally a row that resulted in a push, but was will SS think as the kids were in the living room and witnessed the door slamming (but not the push?) Will they want to visit? Will they contact the kids school? Will we be on record now? Will they expect me to kick husband out for a push? Absolutely worried sick

OP posts:

Spongebobsquarefringe · 15/01/2021 13:40

Abusers like to paint victims as the suspect because they don’t want their reputation tarnished. It’s never to late to change your mind.

Hidehi4 · 15/01/2021 17:05

We are pointing the reality of what happens when there is dv in a home and the police are involved. We know you will be feeling like shit and what has been said is the truth. It’s no use to anyone if we all said don’t worry about it if your kids are well looked after and the house is tidy. It’s the emotional impact it has on your children. My children are on child protection plan for fears of emotional abuse (not all my fault but my mental health living with it has went downhill because of this) and the way I have been treated is horrendous and it also comes up on a advance cbs so it’s not just my home life that has been affected it is also my job. I thought because my kids are loved, fed, clothed, clean, have heating, a bedroom that it would be fine but they haven’t looked at that. It’s what the children has witnessed. So please don’t feel like we are ganging up on you, we are trying to protect you and your children from any further damage and the only way we can do that is with facts of what happens.

Itstimetoquit · 15/01/2021 17:23

Take your children and leave,it will happen again,your children shouldn't have to see these things or hear them,once they have they will never forget it x

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 15/01/2021 17:30

OK, so he's prepared to lie to police in order to paint you as the aggressor, to deflect their attention away from the truth, i.e. that he was violent to you.

What has he said to you? Has he apologised? Or is he going down the line of "well you're just as bad and if you report me I'll have the kids took away from you and I'll win"? If the former, at least you're not in immediate danger. If the latter, I strongly suggest you talk to Womens Aid, because that is him not only being violent with you, but then threatening you and laying the groundwork that any future incidents get treated as "Oh they're both as bad as each other" when in fact he's an aggressive, bullying shitcock.

Lachimolala · 15/01/2021 17:37

No I don’t throw things. I’m not a violent person. I walked away from the incident. I came here for some support, but I have to say I feel worse than ever. I feel like they are going to take my babies away and I have been hung, drawn and quartered when I am a good person

So he lied about you then? Made you out to be the perpetrator, when he physically attacked you?

Please leave him, leave this abusive lying toad who’d happily lie about you to distract from his own abusive actions. What an absolutely disgusting man, how you can stand to look at him is beyond me. Please contact women’s aid for advice.

Bubbles1st · 15/01/2021 17:40

An isolated incident yet you managed to call the police before he hit you because you thought he would?

Surely That means you think he is capable?

Miramour · 15/01/2021 17:46

@LydiaAmbrose1

You could not have come to a worse place for support.

MN posters specialise in judging, sneering and criticising.

Do you have a close friend you can talk to? Would you consider speaking with a professional help service?

I have had to phone police 3x and they were incredibly kind and supportive of all of us. They referred me to a family help centre and now, 18 months on, we are all doing so well.

You are human, you are in distress, you deserve care and support. Please think about talking to a help service.

category12 · 15/01/2021 18:10

Are you sure that you want to stay in the relationship? You seem in a rush to minimise what happened, but you were scared enough that he would hit you that you called the cops. That's not normal.

Also, him telling the police all these lies(?) about you and throwing you under the bus? That's not exactly the stuff of a good relationship or normal either.

DuzzyFuck · 15/01/2021 18:25

I wanted to come back OP because on reflection my original post was a bit harsh and I'm sorry for that.

I'm not an angry or violent person, but there's been two points in my life when I've had semi-regular rows that have escalated to shouting and storming off and threatened to really boil over. It occurred to me that I did once throw things (a pile of dishes across the kitchen into the sink, I was in the room alone at the time). Both of those times have been when I've been in relationships with abusive men who've driven me to the brink of sanity.

I hope you're ok and have real life support to lean on while you untangle this and move forward in whichever way is best for your family x

ElizabethofpeanutYorkies · 15/01/2021 18:33

Your relationship does not sound healthy. You need to leave/ or your husband needs to leave now . You should not have slammed a door nor should your partner have pushed you. This is not a happy or nurturing relationship and a terrible event for your children to witness. Needs to end now. Spend less time worrying about social services and what they will and will not do and reach out to appropriate agencies now, this evening.

Your relationship is so bad that you slammed a door and he pushed you, in front of your children.

Never mind what social services will do , what they will investigate and what you will or will not be forced to do ,re leaving your partner, all will follow their investigations. If this is a one off incident that will be explored and verified.

Slamming doors, talk of red mists and a pushing by your DH/DP , in front of children- not normal family interactions. Time to separate now op and allow the relevant authorities to do their inestigations. This does not appear to be a relationship that is benefiting all those involved.

This happened a "few days ago" and your primary concern today is if your DH/DP will be forced to leave?? Your main and only concern ,should be the welfare of both you and your children.

Your post is primarily concerned about what will social services uncover and investigate and will your DH have to leave.

I find this reaction quite odd. I hope you and your family receive the full support you need.

Rosebel · 15/01/2021 22:26

The thing is your husband has only told a half lie as you obviously do get angry and slam doors. So while you don't throw things there obviously is a lot of anger in you.
Should your husband have pushed you? No he shouldn't have but something doesn't quite add up. I think you have left something out which is up to you and maybe you've done it for safety reasons but it doesn't quite make sense to me.
With SS please just follow the police advice and Co operate. Easier said than done I know but try not to listen to what they say and don't get defensive or coach your children on what to say.
I really hope everything works out for you and your family.

OverTheRubicon · 15/01/2021 22:37

@Rosebel

The thing is your husband has only told a half lie as you obviously do get angry and slam doors. So while you don't throw things there obviously is a lot of anger in you. Should your husband have pushed you? No he shouldn't have but something doesn't quite add up. I think you have left something out which is up to you and maybe you've done it for safety reasons but it doesn't quite make sense to me. With SS please just follow the police advice and Co operate. Easier said than done I know but try not to listen to what they say and don't get defensive or coach your children on what to say. I really hope everything works out for you and your family.

Or maybe living with an abusive man filled her with anger? Certainly did for me. I had always been so calm, but as his behaviour escalated I'd find myself slamming doors and dropping a plate so angrily into the sink that it smashed. He's out and I'm back to pretty much unflappable these days, even through lockdown and homeschooling and redundancy, honestly OP, you won't know yourself once you're free.

BPSCSS · 16/01/2021 11:20

Okay so I am a DV survivor and when I called the police for the last incident, social services were contacted and my daughter's school. In my case my ex's bail conditions and the occupancy order I was granted prevented him coming home. Once SS established that he wasn't coming back they put me on a support rather than protect track (I can't remember the correct names). But it was made very clear to me that if he was still here I would have been put on the protection route. I attended various meetings about healthy relationships, a TAF was opened and the kids received counselling and after six weeks my case was closed.
Relationship wise- please get out now, it will get worse and harder to leave.

MrsBobDylan · 16/01/2021 12:07

I'm not saying anyone deserves to be hit, I'm trying to communicate that I didn't excuse my Mother's behaviour because she was also a victim of dv. I hold her as accountable for my crap childhood as I do my Dad.

Wanderlusto · 16/01/2021 12:14

There is no chance that they will take your kids.

But op your partner made you feel he was going to hit you, did actually push you and then LIED to the police about you. That's fucking terrifying.

You talk about your remorse for slamming a door...wheres his for physically laying his hands on you?

OP he needs to go and fast.
This really is not a second chance scenario.

Cant you see that if he stays and starts to abuse you, you will feel you cwnt contact the police incase he make you out to be nuts. Or incase social services get involved. Even if you truly believe this jerk wont hurt you again, take no chances!

Social services DO remove children from households where mothers are being abused and yet refuse to walk away from their abuser.

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