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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He has joined my company

38 replies

Starsinyoureyes12 · 14/01/2021 01:03

I’ve name changed for this. About 15 years ago I had a fling with a colleague. We were both single and in our 20s. Nothing serious, just a bit of fun. Fast forward to now and we’ve ended up working at the same company. We are both married with children and have a great friendship at work, but when it’s just the two of us on calls it can be quite flirty. I still fancy him like mad. It’s ok at the moment because of lockdown but I’m dreading having to see him in person. I love my husband and have never even thought about this guy until he showed up on my screen! Any tips on putting this silly crush to one side and getting on with my work?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 14/01/2021 01:08

Think about how badly you'll fuck up your life if you allow this nonsense to get out of control. Stop the unprofessional flirting and leave the past where it belongs.

Raidblunner · 14/01/2021 01:11

Yes simple, how about putting your husband and family first and put your selfish whims to one side.

seensome · 14/01/2021 01:12

Just keep it professional, nothing hard about that. Imagine if your husband ever overheard a flirty phone call or saw a message from him, keep it clean then you have a clear conscience.

Original poster

Starsinyoureyes12 · 14/01/2021 01:24

Thanks ladies, I know you’re so right. I’d certainly not risk my family to flirt with him, or anything else for that matter. I think just writing this has given me a bit of a shake that I needed!

OP posts:

FinallyFluid · 14/01/2021 01:31

What nonsense.

I had a colleague that DH and I used to work with, I really got on with him, but he was married and drank too much so to me despite being a huge earner he was a no mark, DH always knew that we had the same sense of humour and quick repartee and in social situations I could always be relied on to put him back in his box, but that was as far as it went. He earned ££££ in the 90's ( think 500,000 commission) but he spent it just as quick as he earned it, even if I did fancy him, I couldn't have lived like that.

He has quite literally disappeared off every possible radar we are now speculating that he drank himself to either death or debt.

Point being the grass on the other side of the street is generally astro turf.

FinallyFluid · 14/01/2021 01:34

We cross posted, but the sentiment remains.

24HoursInPoliceCustody · 14/01/2021 01:37

@Starsinyoureyes12

How's about grow the fuck up asking for tips, your married not a kid who knows no better

BananaPop2020 · 14/01/2021 01:57

@24HoursInPoliceCustody that’s a bit much isn’t it? This is a discussion forum after all.

PrankedByLife · 14/01/2021 02:00

Tip - remember your marriage vows!

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 14/01/2021 02:15

Flirting? You are half way to meeting up ‘just’ for a coffee.

If you are flirting then your head is in it.

Don’t let your foof follow. Your family - and his - deserve better.

No tip. Just back off and remember your vows. No good will come of continuing to flirt.

OldieButaGoodie · 14/01/2021 02:59

Next time you're having those thoughts, also think how you'd feel if your DH wrote what you did - and how you'd feel if he said he fancied flirting with someone at work ..

That would be enough to make me shake my head and get back to work too.

YouJustDoYou · 14/01/2021 03:01

The utter, utter life long consequences for some people when a partner cheats is completely.horrific and life changing. You will destroy everything.

Opentooffers · 14/01/2021 03:58

You say you wouldn't risk your family to flirt with him, but are already doing that by flirting with him . You'd better nip this in the bud before it escalates, as it does sound like you don't trust yourself in his presence. Don't do any extra call time than is necessary for your job, no excuses to contact.

BlueThistles · 14/01/2021 03:59

this cannot be real ..... seriously 😳

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 14/01/2021 04:47

Yes, top tip, grow the fuck up!

Flip this and think how you would feel if your dh was doing this with a colleague he had a fling with.

category12 · 14/01/2021 06:00

Stop flirting and behave professionally. Treat every contact with him as if someone is watching you.

TammyHullfigure · 14/01/2021 06:21

This is the reality of WFH - silly idiots flirting on zoom calls.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/01/2021 06:34

My best tip is that the crush will pass. It’s great for all these people in perfect relationships saying grow up etc. But the reality is we cannot help our attractions. The only thing we can help is whether or not we act on them. As FinallyFluid says, the grass on the other side is Astro turf.

I had this sort of experience moons ago, when I was confronted by someone, who I started to have a thing with then he disappeared. I had been married for a few years snd hadn’t thought about him for years but I’d fancied him for ages before we got together. Seeing him was quite a jolt. Then I remembered just what an arsehole he was to sleep with me, make out we’d start going out then fuck off and live in another part of the country just to go clubbing and take E two days later.

PrimeraVez · 14/01/2021 06:59

I would try and knock it on the head right away, otherwise it will only escalate. I think once you can break the cycle of thinking of him, it 'that' way, the spell will be broken and you'll be over it.

Find something about him that you don't find attractive and focus on that! I.e. talk yourself into having the ick!

MsDogLady · 14/01/2021 07:01

...and have a great friendship at work, but when it’s just the two of us on calls it can be quite flirty. I still fancy him like mad.

I’d certainly not risk my family to flirt with him, or anything else for that matter.

You’re contradicting yourself, OP.

You are flirting like a single woman with a man you fancy, a man you once had a fling with. You are also enjoying a ‘great friendship’ with him, which suggests you may be allowing yourself to get close emotionally. In my opinion, you are playing with fire and betraying your husband.

Get a grip and cut off the oxygen to this inappropriate relationship. Disengage. Imagine your H’s devastation when he finds out. Or imagine your children’s faces when you or their dad moves out because of what you did.

Fearandsurprise · 14/01/2021 07:07

Could I suggest you read the book I’ve just started a thread about? You might want to get a copy for your flirting partner, too.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4135407--A-kick-in-the-nuts-Who-will-you-become-by-Linda-J-MacDonald-any-extracts

keyworkerhonestguv · 14/01/2021 07:23

Fancying someone can give you a spring in your step and make you feel alive and actually that can be good for your marriage in some ways. However, you clearly see the danger here or you wouldn't be posting. So you must not communicate with him outside of work calls or work emails that are on topic or achieve a purpose. You cannot be chatty or friendly with this person-you both have previous. He is giving off signals. And you are tempted on some level. Any kind of friendly chat will likely turn inappropriate before you realise what is happening. And once you go down that route its quite hard to stop it. You are not friends, or you wouldn't have had zero contact for the last x years. I have been in this situation and it escalates quickly. However much you think you are logical and can control it you cant and it will end in some form of heartache.

Id suggest shaking it off-go me I've still got it but do not engage!!

TrojanHiss · 14/01/2021 07:24

Just wanted to warn you. I was in a similar situation - except that my ex moved into the same town as me. So I’d see him on the same train, when I was out - and we began emailing. I have a young family, so does he. It’s now grown into an affair and I feel absolutely wretched. It eats away at me all the time, and I’ll go to my grave knowing I’ve deceived/disrespected and that my family deserved better - and that I’m a weak person. I have tried to stop, and the fact that I’ve failed each time only makes me feel worse about myself. It is scary how easily the whole thing escalated, when I was always adamant that infidelity was wrong. It takes one weak moment, one day of feeling down - and wanting reassurance. Just don’t go there - the more you communicate in a flirty way, the more you’ll get drawn in - and the more you get drawn in, the harder it’ll be to let go.

WB205020 · 14/01/2021 07:37

I think some comments have been quite harsh. You recognise no good can come from this but perhaps just need black and white telling to snap out of it. I think @TrojanHiss’s post give insight into how it could turn out. No good would come from it. If you really struggle perhaps a new job.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 14/01/2021 07:44

Everyone in here is so harsh ! We are all human beings after all and experience feelings , whether they are convenient or not .
If you want an affair, it will be very easy to have one .
If you dont , then you will have to work at being strict at keeping things professional and actively avoiding this person. Are you 100 % clear about what you want? Because that often seems to be the danger Absolutely no meeting up for coffees / chats inside or outside of work .
Maybe even look at moving departments. Would this be a good time to look at other job opportunities?

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