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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can anyone help re tinder location please

30 replies

FreeAt50 · 14/01/2021 00:39

I've been dating someone who works away. I have friends near that location and one of them found him on tinder. After I picked myself up off the floor I asked him to explain and he says it's an old account that must have picked up his location on the app simply as he was in town. He'd had to log in to the app which he thought he'd deleted apparently, just to delete the account after I confronted him

I'm smelling BS. Surely tinder wouldn't do that if he wasn't even logged in but I don't know. I've never been on it, we didn't meet on a dating site, but he has been on them all.
Gutted doesn't come close right now!

OP posts:

Savoretti · 14/01/2021 00:41

Tinder will only change your location if the app is open. So I’m sorry to say he would have to have been on there when he was away. So sorry

Original poster

FreeAt50 · 14/01/2021 00:44

It's ok. I'm really devastated but I've literally just found him on a further site with our home town location and he's logged in within the last month. Not sure how often it's updated - could that be a month ago, 2 weeks, one week. But that's enough for me.

Free at 50 once more I guess!!

OP posts:

Orangebitters · 14/01/2021 00:48

Maybe don't panic yet- I don't know about tinder, but in the past I've used bumble and I know that bumble keeps showing your profile even if you haven't logged in for many months (or even years). People were seeing my profile months after I'd deleted the app.

Logged in in the last month doesn't sound great, though. I'm sorry OP

Original poster

FreeAt50 · 14/01/2021 00:51

@Orangebitters I did wonder as a colleague was still showing on POF and she had no idea.
However yes. The last month thing isn't good. Things aren't great as he isn't impressed that I'd accuse him of being on tinder, errr you were mate so I'm going to keep quiet for a few days while he's away and see if he logs in again.
His great loss!

OP posts:

Redflaggs · 14/01/2021 01:00

@FreeAt50 sweetie he is trying to pass blame just like a shoplifter will act as if they didn't steal something.

The apps have now started to show your profile to others when you log on. That way people will match with active accounts. They actually have a little green dot to show. Bumble matches you with people who have recently been on the app ( last 24hrs)

You need to log on to tinder for you to be added in to the stack, and you location only changes when you use the app.

I know this because when I went to London, my location was my home then refreshed and changed. But when I use it at home mainly it doesn't have all the places I've been too.

You can see from apple store when he last downloaded tinder, battery activity, who's on his blocked list and are there any gaps in his google History. Obviously 🙄 you don't have to do all that stuff, I did because my ex convinced me it was my BPD that was causing me to think this way. been no contact a year and haven't had one BPD issues. In fact he was using sexting apps, what apps and fabswingers.
Men seem to cheat more around Christmas, I've had a lot of men message me in
relationships

Redflaggs · 14/01/2021 01:02

If you friend is near him, they should check Fabswingers for him. That site is full of cheating pricks

Original poster

FreeAt50 · 14/01/2021 01:09

Thanks both! Found him on fab before. Catfished him. CBA this time I'll just keep quiet as he's already sulking and then waiting to see if he logs in but he's history I'm afraid.
We've been together 2 years. I deserve better. My heart will heal but he's addicted to female attention and doesn't feel it's really "as bad as" cheating to message and swap pics with women. No? Really? Fuckwit.
I've been a fool but I knew I'd wake up one day and now the time is right. I'm heartbroken as this was when we'd planned to move in together but I'm NOT living that life, hunting him down over and over.
What a grade A wanker!

OP posts:

Redflaggs · 14/01/2021 01:22

@FreeAt50 I was where you are last Christmas I kicked him out Boxing Day, he stalked me until I called the police on my bday. And now it's been a year of bloody freedom.

I thought' I don't want to be a single mother again but the feeling of not being cheated and lied to is heaven.

It's not the women he wants it's the attention from anybody. He needs it to feel special, he's a saddo. My ex didn't believe in a million years I would walk away, his ex stayed for as long as she could, and by then he wanted to leave. ( found this all out afterwards, that he's a compulsive cheat)

That's why he acted so nasty and crazy because I didn't have a right to break up our family, because they don't believe what they are doing is wrong unless we do it.
But we don't because that's not how we are.

It's 2021 - this is your time to shine. Let him sulk like a child

Original poster

FreeAt50 · 14/01/2021 01:37

@Redflaggs oh bless you! You're so brave thank you for sharing that. I'm weak, I truly love him and he's completely taken over my life but you're right, ANY attention is what he wants. His ego is huge, he's a narcissist but part of being one is charm and he put me on a pedestal I'd never been on before. Only to repeatedly push me off it of course!
I'm so glad I found him on Ourtime (ffs!) as I'd fallen for the tinder shite. Almost anyway, clearly not completely.
Now I've got to be stronger than ever before!

OP posts:

Feckers2018 · 14/01/2021 02:24

You can do it! Get rid of the weak waster.

MLM268 · 14/01/2021 07:26

Tinder only shows profiles that have been active in the previous 7 days. There may be occasions where inactive profiles will appear but that's only because the other user has exhausted all potential matches. You actually get a notification from Tinder saying your profile will be hidden due to inactivity. Also, it does not update location unless you open the app.

I've been there many times with OLD and I'm sorry that you're going through this!

gutful · 14/01/2021 07:29

Can confirm tinder only changes location if you open the app while in a different location.

littlebirdworrying · 14/01/2021 07:45

I was with my ex for a year and he was exactly the same, on every single dating app going and lied when I confronted him. In the beginning he said it wasn't him going on it just kept showing him as on it but he didn't know why but towards the end he then said it was just chat and I was overreacting! I finally found my self respect and binned him off. It's been 18 months since I ended things and I look back sometimes and ask myself why I didn't finish things sooner. He was in his 50's, love bombed me and I think I stayed so long because I thought he would change.....they never do.

DuzzyFuck · 14/01/2021 08:00

@Savoretti

Tinder will only change your location if the app is open. So I’m sorry to say he would have to have been on there when he was away. So sorry

I don't know if that's true. I work away sometimes and when I was OLD I never opened the apps when I was away. On return home I'd always have a load of guys from wherever I'd been sitting in my stack to be swiped.

An ex has actually twice sent me a screen grab of my own profile when I've appeared to him because we'd been in proximity. Once I was on a busy day of meetings in Southampton and another equally busy passing through Gatwick, I'd not opened Tinder either time.

DuzzyFuck · 14/01/2021 08:03

Just to add that when I say an ex sent my profile he did it in a 'hey look at this' way, not a shady way! We're friends.

OP I'm sorry for your troubles. Having read more of the thread it doesn't sound ideal x

DuzzyFuck · 14/01/2021 08:06

Oh gosh one more piece of experience; I've been with DP over a year and genuinely have not touched any dating apps since a week or so after we met.

About 3 months ago a male friend let me know that I had not 1 but 2 active profiles on Bumble. They'd appeared to him, even after well over 6 months of inactivity on my part (I'd deleted the app, but not the profile). Mortified

Chocolate123 · 14/01/2021 08:14

Yep sorry OP I've been there too. Location definitely only changes when app is active. What is wrong with these men that they can't be happy when they've found a great person. The guy I was with said he needed an ego boost. He was mid 40's told him he could chat to as many as he wanted cause we were over. Don't listen to his crap anymore you deserve better and will find it.

Original poster

FreeAt50 · 14/01/2021 08:28

Hi everyone! Thank you so much for your input. I would have believed his story about Tinder as he seemed genuinely surprised about it - however then when I looked (no idea why even!) on other sites last night, the first one that was free and easy to set up Our Time - there he was! I "met his criteria"! NO SHIT I am going to keep an eye on this. I am done though. He says he has no other accounts, why would he need anyone more, he loves me, his ego doesn't need to be stroked etc.
He has form for joining these sites whenever he "falls out" with me - so mature - so as he was a bit grumpy over Christmas arrangements, ie he couldn't make time to see me and I was disappointed, I am almost CERTAIN this would be the excuse for OurTime - "well we weren't getting on". He is 51 soon and I really really do not need a man child in my life!
I am so very sad, he is being cool with me still - he used this an as excuse to bring up EVERY LAST THING that isn't perfect in our relationship - all things under his control incidentally.
I don't know what's more laughable, the fact that his photos are OLD and he looks nothing like them now, or the fact I have stayed for so long hoping things would improve!
UGH dark days ahead. Got to stay strong!

OP posts:

MLM268 · 14/01/2021 08:38

An ex used to do that, every time we had a row he would immediately look for female attention. Insecurities I guess, and obviously stroking his ego. Drove me crazy, because I felt like oh I shouldn't say I'm pissed about something as he'll do it again.

The fact that he's now being cold WITH you speaks volumes! Better off without him!

PammieDooveOrangeJoof · 14/01/2021 08:39

Why are you keeping an eye if you are done? He has previous form, this won’t get better.
If he’s so eager to meet someone else let him go to crack on! Then at least you can meet someone else too instead of waiting around whilst he talks to all and sundry.

BananaHammock23 · 14/01/2021 08:40

Unless he's got multiple Facebook accounts (which you use to sign into tinder), then he's lying I'm afraid OP. Tinder just doesn't work like that.

Chocolate123 · 14/01/2021 08:52

He's sulking because he was caught. He wants to have his attention from different women have his ego boosted then come home to the comfort of your relationship. He's a man child and needs to grow up. He'll come back with every excuse possible but don't listen because he won't change.
You no longer need Facebook to join tinder

SmeleanorSmellstrop · 14/01/2021 08:56

I deleted a similar app but didnt log out or officially cancel my account and it still showed me. Had to redownload it just to cancel it properly. x

BlueThistles · 14/01/2021 09:19

He sounds like a pure womaniser 🌺

Joy69 · 14/01/2021 09:44

I had a similar situation with one of my exes. We were looking at pictures on his phone together & his Tinder matches popped up! Had the whole "I haven't used the app since we've been together" script. We then finished because he didn't have time to see me with his house, work, kids commitments etc, but would like to get back together when his head was straight! Found him on Match a few days later stating how he was looking forward to travelling blah blah blah. Really what he meant was I want you to stick around incase I don't meet anyone else that I like.
Dump him, block him & move on. Better to be alone than with a lier x

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