Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Are you the driver?

37 replies

ign0re · 13/01/2021 21:11

Are you the driver in your relationship? And does it bother you?
I feel like I drive everything in my relationship.
I’ve been with my partner for 7 years and in that time nothing has really changed for him.
I’ve changed career/jobs, working my way up the ladder now. Picked up different skills/hobbies.
He’s in the same job. Comfortable.
His job doesn’t require many hours but he earns slightly more than me (little bit annoying).
I organise everything around the house, our diaries etc and just feel like I’m the main driver and it’s starting to get to me. Are you in this position or the even the passenger seat position and do you like it?

OP posts:

kennelmaid · 13/01/2021 21:17

My H is pushy and self-motivated. I'm less so, by quite a way. He would say he 'drives' things in our relationship and on the whole I would have to agree. If I try to take the lead he will be obstructive and uncooperative and I can't be arsed to fight him for it and that's the main reason I'm still here.

venusandmars · 13/01/2021 21:21

I'm the main driver. But after years with someone controlling it is lovely to be with an easy-going personality who goes along with my suggestions (most of the time).

MindGrapes · 13/01/2021 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MindGrapes · 13/01/2021 21:28

Sorry i clearly misread the op

Original poster

ign0re · 13/01/2021 21:36

Haha I missed your comment MindGrapes and sort of wish I’d seen it now!

Hmmm Venus - you’ve just reminded me of a thing I initially loved about him- how laid back and easygoing he was. It’s just getting a bit too laidback now but weirdly this comment has helped in a way I wasn’t expecting!

Kennel- hmm are you happy?

OP posts:

kennelmaid · 13/01/2021 22:08

@ign0re am I happy being the passenger rather than the driver? In some ways, yes, because we wouldn't have got what we have without his determination. I've played my part in a support role and that suits me most of the time.

Original poster

ign0re · 13/01/2021 22:23

It all sounds quite partial. In some ways... most of the time...: in the times that you don’t how do you feel about it? I feel like most of the time I’m fine with it ... and then every so often it hits me like a ton bricks and fills me with rage

OP posts:

mindutopia · 13/01/2021 22:50

No, we’re both motivated and ambitious though different interests and career paths. Dh has told me many times he’s grateful we have this in common as he couldn’t imagine being with someone who didn’t have drive. But initially I thought this was about actually driving in which case, dh is definitely the driver because I hate having to drive people around and much prefer to sit in the passenger seat and tune out!

Ohalrightthen · 13/01/2021 22:53

I drive everything except the car. I make the big picture decisions and he manages the details. I picked the city, he picked the house (mostly). I picked the architect and the design, he picked the paint colours. I picked the wedding venue, he picked the flowers. You see how it goes. I just don't care much about the details, the little bits. He loves them.

But the decision to make the decision is always made together, if that makes sense.

Ragwort · 13/01/2021 22:55

What would happen if you stopped doing it ... and surely there can't be that much to do at the moment - when you say you 'organise the diaries' - just stop (or just do your own). I don't think either of us is the 'driver' in our relationship- we are both very independent of each other and tend to do our own thing most of the time (pre Covid of course).

kennelmaid · 14/01/2021 12:44

@ign0re well put it like this, I've posted here myself about having a pushy and persistent partner and how it makes me feel. Like an employer/employee relationship, I'm here to facilitate his ideas and support him in what he wants to do and if I fall short he can be unpleasant to me and is quite critical. He's a hard worker, usually good-natured, kind and affectionate, so he has some good points too. It works for me because it's anything for an easy life and it works for him because he gets (almost) everything his own way.

Blobby10 · 14/01/2021 12:48

I was definitely the driver during our 20 year marriage - in fact just before we split he kept saying he loved me and when I asked why? What did he love about me? all he could come up with 'because you've carried me for the past 20 years".

Chewbecca · 14/01/2021 12:49

Haha, my DH tends to drive the car, yes - he doesn’t like my driving - RUDE! To be fair, he is a good driver and I am very comfortable with his driving.

In terms of the relationship though, it’s mixed.

Work wise, we are similar looking after our own careers.
I decide on most home improvements, he goes along with my choices.
Holidays we choose together and do different parts of the planning.
Socially I organise most of our couple things.

I don’t mind, it’s swings and roundabouts on the whole.

LindaEllen · 14/01/2021 12:50

I am. But at the same time whenever I drive anything he supports it 100% and gets behind me and helps in whatever way he can. So although I might instigate pushing forward, he's then with me once I have. If that makes sense.

After spending 6 years previously with a controlling dickhead, this actually makes for quite a nice change!

LadyWhistleUp · 14/01/2021 12:51

Yes, & I used to feel the same but I love getting my own way. My friends have "drivers" and they are obstinate and difficult to live with. Be careful what you wish for. I've come to terms with it and accept DH for who he is.

Do you think it's self-created? Maybe he's stepped back because he thinks you like control. Maybe allocate some stuff to him to be responsible for.

ravenmum · 14/01/2021 13:12

I was the driver in my marriage - I'd choose and organise holidays, come up with plans for the weekend, got pets, decorated, and I doubt my exh would have got a house without me (people rent flats here).
When we broke up, this was basically his complaint, that he was the passenger. He even claimed that he didn't want children and I "made" him. I think that is rewriting history, though - it was my suggestion, but I thought he was agreeing enthusiastically. And with the plans, holidays etc., it wasn't me rejecting his ideas - he just never had any (or never told me them).

Having been made out to be this horrible pushy character, I wouldn't take the driver's seat so strongly again. Now with someone who has his own ideas and plans - we both do. It is lovely being taken to unexpected places, and I feel safer avoiding later accusations of pushiness.

Sssloou · 14/01/2021 13:19

I organise everything around the house, our diaries etc and just feel like I’m the main driver and it’s starting to get to me.

Time for a reset. Seems that you are doing your career the way you want and he is doing his the way he wants.

Do you have different expectations, ambitions or aspirations materialistically? Had you expected to progress his career / earning potential? Can he do this? Does he want to? Have you spoken with him about this? These are all his choices by the way but maybe you made some assumptions?

The whole “wife work” that seems to all be on your plate is a different matter though. How did this happen. This needs a reset 50:50 split.

I am curious about the rage. This often happens when people don’t feel able to communicate their needs in a safe calm emotional way - so they suck it up and resentment builds. Is this how things were in your childhood family?

ClaudiaWankleman · 14/01/2021 13:32

I drive. DP isn't a good planner, so while able to look after big and small things, all decisions would be taken far too last minute. This manifests in dinners being 2 hours later than we wanted them to be, train tickets not being bought until we are at the gate watching the seconds tick down until the train leaves, and rambling walks through nature that leave us miles off course.

It drives me mad, so I just do the planning and he likes it or lumps it. He can't be told though.

MrsVogon · 14/01/2021 13:48

It's equal in my relationship, we both drive it and are quite matching in goals/planning /decisions/future.

My previous relationship, yes I was the driver and it was like living with a lobotomized sloth. When we were first together I over looked certain aspects and wish I hadn't...I had low self confidence back then. He really wasn't the match with regards to values/goals/future ambitions. He did nothing with regards to even planning to go to the supermarket or a day out/holiday. The Sloth ended up having an affair and I left him, but he's basically replicated what we had with the OW and it seems she is now the driver. Like me she will probably get fed up of it!

Going back to my DP, it was so refreshing to meet and be with someone with an equal drive to do things in life!

FFS123 · 14/01/2021 14:05

Ravenmum I had the same experience as you. I was the driver for 20 years. I didnt mind but the last few years ive become exhausted and want him to.make some decisions. Hes been happy to go along with everything but has now decided I'm a bully and bullied him into having children. He had fertility issues and didnt want ivf but eventually agreed. Were separating this year.

It's such a kick in the teeth he can turn around and blame me now for everything because I drove it when at the time he was happy to be a passenger. I know I've changed not him. I dont want to be the driver anymore.

kennelmaid · 14/01/2021 14:28

Out of all these posts (by women - I'm assuming) I appear to be the only 'passenger' and that's an interesting insight. When I look around at my friends who are in LTR, nearly all take the lead in the running of their home and family life. I can't draw any conclusions other than I'm odd - but I already knew that .

cheeseismydownfall · 14/01/2021 14:47

I am the main driver, definitely, but it works for us for a number of reasons:

I am much harder to please than DH, so it makes sense for me to be in control of the 'small stuff' (and, to be fair, lots of the big stuff).
I am just better at it e.g. planning amazing holidays, unusual things to do etc
DH is very appreciative of what I do
DH absolutely pulls his weight in other respects, and works much harder as his job than I do for the benefit of us all
I refuse to do certain things that should be his responsibility e.g. presents for his side of the family which I know would piss me off if they fell to me

It works well for us, and for me, the benefits of driving outweigh the occasional exasperation over the mental load.

DeliaOwens · 14/01/2021 14:58

Learn this phrase "What I need you to do is Xxxx" or this one "The family unit (or name of child) needs Xxx from you in order to accomplish Yyy"
Look at what you do, what he COULD do on this list and push back.

If he says no, you just don't take it on.

It's your mindset that needs to change. Not everything is your responsibility and he needs to step up more.

HappyFlamingo · 14/01/2021 14:58

I think we both are.

He's more likely to move jobs - he's had 5 jobs in the time I've had 2 (plus a few years as a SAHM, so I guess you could say 3).
He's gone back to a hobby (music) that he had dropped for many years, and I've taken up a new hobby (running).
I book holidays and sort out the accommodation etc, but he's more likely to have ideas for where to go.
He's the driver when it comes the house (we had an extension built a few years ago, and he planned it and made nearly all the decisions).
I'm more proactive in organising social activities for us both.
He's more opinionated about what we watch on TV.
I decide what we eat.

Original poster

ign0re · 14/01/2021 18:33

Wow way more responses than I was expecting and super interesting to read!

I’m slightly envious of those of you who have it all nice and balanced! Seems great!

@ClaudiaWankleman are you in a relationship with my partner? Could have word for word wrote your post!!!

@Sssloou I think the trouble is he really doesn’t know what he wants. His situation right now is great so no need to change it but it won’t last forever - the business he works for is in talks of selling (could happen this year or in 5 years we don’t know but it will 100% happen) and then he’ll be in a tricky spot as he won’t be able to earn the same money again for as minimal effort. So that’s a bit of a worry but it’s not immediate for him so he’s not planning for it... whereas I’d personally be planning for the eventuality!

I think as he has so much more time nothing is urgent for him.
Like if I say can you hoover the house today whilst I’m at work? He might do it but will leave it until I get home from work... or worse still not do it all and continually claim he’ll do it tomorrow until I just do it myself.
I have a mental list of things needing done and I like to get them ticked off as soon as I can so I can mentally move on whereas he’ll happily let it all linger.

And the rage is almost definitely from childhood things, I was brought up in a house that did not know how to communicate things well and I was a very unhappy/angry child. I’ve got better but definitely still have work to do!

OP posts:

Flip

1 2