Are you the driver?

[ign0re]

Are you the driver in your relationship? And does it bother you?
I feel like I drive everything in my relationship.
I’ve been with my partner for 7 years and in that time nothing has really changed for him.
I’ve changed career/jobs, working my way up the ladder now. Picked up different skills/hobbies.
He’s in the same job. Comfortable.
His job doesn’t require many hours but he earns slightly more than me (little bit annoying).
I organise everything around the house, our diaries etc and just feel like I’m the main driver and it’s starting to get to me. Are you in this position or the even the passenger seat position and do you like it?

@cheeseismydownfall I understand you!
I also do the no presents for in laws thing.
I sort out all the presents for my side (our families are really similar sizes so that helps) and I leave his side to him. It does mean some people don’t get which I feel awful about but I just can’t get involved!

I am the driver, for sure. But I am also quite highly strung and emotional whereas he is much calmer and laid back, so he tends to calm me down a bit. He also has a threshold so I largely get what I want and everyone does what I say :) unless I am going off on one a bit in which case he will occasionally veto. Because he only does it infrequently I kind of know that that means I am probably going overboard and to take a step back - so it kind of works for us. I am more career-focused and the higher earner, not massively but his job is stable/plateaued whereas mine is increasing in terms of time and stress so he does a lot of the cooking for the children to allow me to do that, which also works at the moment.

In the past, when the kids were younger, I have felt exactly like you do though! We (well I) did have a bit of a meltdown about 5 years ago when our jobs were similar but I was doing all that life-admin you are talking about and I basically said I can't do everything, you are in charge of cooking, cars, holidays and the dishwasher or I will have a breakdown and make your life miserable :)

And yes, no bloody in-law presents and cards!

Yes and I got sick to death of it so stopped. Of course our life is poorer for it. He doesn’t give a shit, only cares about and puts effort into his job. I still of course sort the kids and house out, but we don’t do weekends away, have friends over, take holidays or go out because I don’t push it any more. Yes I did cut off my nose to spite my face .

We motivate each other, as partners do. Although I’m the one that kicks him up the arse more than he does me (metaphorically, obviously). Big decisions are discussed & nothing is a unilateral. Apart from minor choices of snack in the supermarket, or when to have a poo.

It’s about communication. We’ve had some bloody awful years that could have been prevented by talking more, and working together rather than against each other, but after 26 years we’re working as a good team.

He often has his mind on a million other things ( he has Aspergers) but he still has a voice in deciding what’s going on. I simply navigate the external communication he struggles with - but once I’ve helped him decide it we decide together.

Except...housework. He’s blind to laundry ( I think he thought the wash bin was a magical portal that sucked in dirty y fronts & presented them into his drawer, but that comes from an over coddling mother until he left home at 24 (I kicked my son to uni knowing The Way of the Washer to avoid his partner’s having the same issue, ditto How To Find The Sink and Polish. He also ignores dust, dog footprints & coffee cups. A gentle prod & he helps out!

We’re not perfect, but we’re happy.

(He does the physical driving, but I’m on so many controlled medications I’d quickly be done for driving under the influence!)

*helped him decipher it

@mrsvogon you win the internet today both for your username and for the description of a "lobotomized sloth".

You should write some Vogon poetry for him

@Blobby10 hope you’re far happier now! Was this the reason behind the split or other factors?
I’ve definitely debated leaving him over it but that’s down to my black and white Vision and jumping to the most extreme outcome and when I have calmed down I realise that was a silly thing to think

@HerRoyalNotness oh wow brave decision to make. I struggle as I like certain things a certain way - a tidy house, a social life, home projects etc... obviously limited at the moment but I think that means I feel it all a bit more right now!
Hope you’ve got the peace you need and enjoy it!

Love your posts @pinbinpin sounds like a good balance you’ve got now! I think when kids come into play it can be a big change. Its just which way it’ll go.

@ign0re It was (one of) the final nails in the coffin of our relationship tbh. We had grown apart - 3 amazing children but, looking back, I had become more successful at work plus doing some other stuff outside work that boosted my confidence a lot and that's when it started to go downhill. One year he moaned about us always going to the same place and camping on holiday so I said OK you decide where we are going, save the money and plan it. We didn't go anywhere that year! That was another nail.

We parted before we started hating each other which, although hard, made everything easier as we communicated all along. hes remarried now and I've been dating same person for nearly 4 years but will never remarry.

I am the driver in our relationship, literally too as DH doesn’t drive , (which is still infuriating after so many years and 3 teenagers!). I book the holidays, Plan and do the the decorating , shopping etc. DH works hard, is a good husband and is a good Dad , ... but sometimes I think it would be nice to experience being with someone that takes charge and organises stuff...

I’d have to grab the wheel and try and make an emergency stop. So a reluctant driver. Husband would ‘drive’ places (imagine a night drive with half a tank of petrol and a dodgy wheel) and when the inevitable happened it would be left for me to sort out. For example, him going from a well paid job to insecure agency work meant I had to find a full time job before my maternity leave was up. His money mismanagement meant I had to micro budget and dictate what we could spend (he probably thinks I was controlling but because he took no responsibility I had to work out how we’d pay the rent and eat). Best part of living as the only adult in the house is that I get to make my own decisions instead of constantly having to react to the bad driver in the house.