Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

its like living with an extra toddler...

31 replies

cosmikdebris · 13/01/2021 17:40

i have a 6 month old and a 312 month old.

i find myself tidying for 3. he hasnt washed his own clothes for at least a year, he wont wash up, hoover etc etc. he occasionaly picks up bits and peices from the floor or table, but thats it. i cook EVERY meal unless its a quick microwave meal, surprisingly he can do that himself! the day after i came home from hospital with our daughter, i had to clean, hoover and tidy because he hasnt touched anything for 3 days.

we've had so many "its really difficult for me to keep on top of everything, could you please please please help me out more". ive told him it makes me want to leave (which is false) but it still had no effect, which i thought it was.
theres 2 HUGE piles of dirty clothes in our bedroom, theres constantly an overflowing bin that i cant keep on top of and our house is so so dusty.

he works 3 3hr shifts a week and he works from home. im unemployed but its been so long i just cant keep on top of it all. its not just disorganised, its getting dirty now. our kitchen is gross because i dont have time to clean after cooking, our daughter tends to have a quick nap after meal times and i always have to settle her.

does anyone have any tips on encourage a 26 year old to tidy up after himself. im feeling so so overwhelmed.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 13/01/2021 17:42

He’s not going to change, it’s just up to you how long you want to put up with it

Vigorothello · 13/01/2021 17:42

You’re the little missus with no job! Perhaps if you were better organised your could see to his needs better?Wink

Or simply NOT do the stuff he needs.

blackcat86 · 13/01/2021 17:46

Get a job and force him to do his share. Asking him to help just reinforces that its your job and he can pitch in. You're unemployed and he works 9 hours a week? You both need to reassess what is happening.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/01/2021 17:49

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Was your mum acting like a skivvy also to your dad?.

Why does this not make you want to leave?. How low is your relationship bar here?. You already have two children, you do not and should not carry him as an adult and this man is actively not wanting to do anything. I presume he thinks all the housework and childcare is your job, what is the point of you and he now being at all together?. Do you think he is a good dad because he certainly is not if you’re being treated like this. He has no respect for you whatsoever.

tenlittlecygnets · 13/01/2021 17:57

You need to talk to him again. Set it out straight. List the chores, when they need to be done, who does each one.

He only works 9 hours a week? And you don't work at all? And you only have one dc?

Then you have plenty of time between you to keep a tidy house.

If he refuses, then only tidy your things, only wash your clothes, only cook for yourself. I couldn't live with my houses in that much of a mess, though, or with my partner showing so little respect.

HelloThereMeHearties · 13/01/2021 17:59

Well first of all, you need to change your phrasing! He's not helping you out, he's does his share of the housework (or not...).

Cherrysoup · 13/01/2021 18:00

He works 3x3 hour shifts a week? Why so little?

DelphiniumBlue · 13/01/2021 18:01
  1. Why are you doing his washing? Just don't do it. You don't need to discuss it, just don't do it. If it's annoying you on the floor, put it in a bag and then leave it alone.
  2. Why is he only working 9 hours a week?
  3. What is he doing the rest of the time?
  4. You are not his mum. Tell him it's not very sexy for him to be so dependent, and that real men are proactive in maintain the house and indeed, their lives. Slobbishness just isn't appealing.
  5. You shouldn't have to, but you might need to spell things out -" the kitchen needs tidied and the house needs hoovering - which do you want to do?"" I'll look after/bath/entertain the baby while you wash up".
  6. Go out sometimes - for a walk, a run, whatever you can do at the moment.
It may be that he is just a waste of space, but maybe he just needs to grow up - I think lots of men don't even start this process till 26 or so ( though I know lots of people will come on and say their 22 year old DH holds down a good job and is hands-on at home, but I reckon there are loads who still see Xbox or guitar as their main task for the day.) Is he worth the wait?
Lettertoyou · 13/01/2021 18:01

What was it like before you had the baby? Were you working?

CandidaAlbicans2 · 13/01/2021 18:07

Well, as you've told him it's a problem and he clearly doesn't give a shit I'd dump the lazy bastard. But as you're not going to do that I suggest just not cooking his meals or washing his clothes at the least. But that would only cause tensions so it's back to dump him. You can't make him care, so either you put up and shut up or he leaves.

nimbuscloud · 13/01/2021 18:16

You have posted several times about this horrible abusive man recently.
Please seriously think about getting away from him. Contact woman’s aid for advice and. support. This is way more than him being lazy and useless.

Notworking123 · 13/01/2021 20:10

So between you, you have paid work responsibilities of a grand total of 9 hours a week and one child? Just kick him out for being a lazy useless arse and not looking after his child 50% of the time (I assume this is correct from your post, since it appears you only have time to clean while she naps). But other than that how on earth can you not manage to keep your house not filthy? We have 3 kids, a start up business, a full time job, a part time job and home schooling between us. I don't really get your problem, apart from the useless partner.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/01/2021 20:17

Fuck him off back to mummy. Men like this never change. The truth is that he knows you need help, he knows he could help, but he doesn't because he just doesn't give a fuck.

Gncq · 13/01/2021 20:21

Chuck his pile of clothes outside and do your own laundry for you and your DBaby.

Pinkyandthebrainz · 13/01/2021 20:33

Leave and dont look back. Don't be another woman who condemns herself to a life of shit.

LionelMessy · 13/01/2021 20:34

He CAN do his own laundry, but chooses NOT to.

Just leave his washing and let him realise after a week or two why he has no clean underwear.

You can repeat you already told him you were struggling keeping on top of things.

My school age kids can work the washing machine - it really isn't difficult - so he can spare a few minutes to bung a washing on.

It's entirely reasonable for him to do some simply chores.
Take a stance and force him to up his game.

Bananalanacake · 13/01/2021 20:45

Is he looking to increase his working hours when your DC is older.

Original poster
cosmikdebris · 13/01/2021 23:09

i have a background in retail and food, i am always looking for a job but its difficult when everything i can do is closed. ive been looking for work for 2 months. he's usually a bar tender, used to work 60hrs a week, but lost his job to covid too and now hes in telesales. we're currently getting the same amont we used to earn in benefits. money isnt the problem?

OP posts:
Original poster
cosmikdebris · 13/01/2021 23:13

@AttilaTheMeerkat single mum, saw dad monthly and havent seen him in 3 years. i dont leave because our relationship is more than just his problems. the best parts of him outweigh the crap. its something i know can be fixed, just not sure how. i never used to have a problem with mess, but im so much more aware of it with a little one.

OP posts:
Ohalrightthen · 13/01/2021 23:16

[quote cosmikdebris]@AttilaTheMeerkat single mum, saw dad monthly and havent seen him in 3 years. i dont leave because our relationship is more than just his problems. the best parts of him outweigh the crap. its something i know can be fixed, just not sure how. i never used to have a problem with mess, but im so much more aware of it with a little one.[/quote]
It can be fixed, but only if he wants to fix it. You've asked, he hasn't changed, therefore he doesn't want to fix it.

Throw the whole man out and start again.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/01/2021 23:21

the best parts of him outweigh the crap

Hard to imagine but up to you. It’s setting a terrible example to your children.

its something i know can be fixed, just not sure how

Threatening to leave hasn’t fixed it so what do you think would? He’d rather have you end your relationship and break up your family than wash his own clothes and clean up his own mess.

I wouldn’t feel loved or supported if I lived with someone who thought so little of me.

Original poster
cosmikdebris · 13/01/2021 23:23

@DelphiniumBlue

  1. it starts out as needing to fill up the extra space in the machine. ended up with him getting lazy
  2. we both lost our jobs to covid and signed on. hes recently started a telesales job. they'll offer him extra hours after a months probation, but for now its just a few hours.
  3. What is he doing the rest of the time? not much. he still smokes, when he wants a cigarette i always ask him to go for a walk and leave it half an hour or so before he's around the baby. feels like he spends half the day doing that. he sleeps in untiil 11-12 daily, and stays up until 2/3am despite baby sleeping through the night. just spends extra time on his phone saying 'ill do it in a minute'

we both used to work a lot, he worked 60 hrs a week up until the pandemic began. he used to be really independant, he'd get up and cook breakfast, and go for a run in the morning. he'd do his chores and he'd even help me out (shock horror!!). ever since the baby he's just gotten so lazy.

OP posts:
user7778 · 13/01/2021 23:32

we've had so many "its really difficult for me to keep on top of everything, could you please please please help me out more".

Well this is part of your issue, you've made it your responsibility as much as he has. Stop with the 'help me out', he's not helping you out as a grown adult who lives in the house it's just as much his responsibility as it is yours. I'd lose my shit at him and tell him to start pulling his weight, and if that doesn't work I'd stop doing anything for him

Original poster
cosmikdebris · 13/01/2021 23:32

@Notworking123 interesting take. how old are your children? we have a 1 bed small appartment with a joined kitchen/living room. we were hoping to move 3 months ago but got scammed by a private landlord.

i still struggle physically to bend over and crouch, ive always had back toubles and pregnancy destroyed my back. i do what i can, but i home cook every meal we eat, i have to hand was the dishes after. i have to hoover the whole appartment. i wash and air dry our clothes and put them away wen i can. but the clean washing pile seems endless. alongside general dusting and cleaning. i always take 2 hours to myself in the evening before i go to bed to shower and give myself downtime because i value my mental health. if i spent every waking free second i had cleaning, id probably have a spotless apartment, but its impossible alone. well done to your very succesful family and very tidy house though, you must be proud :)

OP posts:
Notworking123 · 17/01/2021 13:55

@cosmilkdebris sorry if it came out like that, I'm just amazed that bins and sinks would stay overflowing when one of you works for 9 hours. He sounds awful and you sound like you'd be better off without him if he can't manage to do any housework around 9 hours work. We're not particularly successful, my point was more that we have no time and still manage to keep on top of it to an extent. Mine are 1, 3 and 4 so very full on. Don't get caught in the trap of feeling like you have to engage your baby every second she's awake, if she can sit prop her up with lots of things around to look at/grab. My middle was a screamer so I couldn't do that with him, I ended up carrying him everywhere which was not good for my bad back, but I just did the minimum - can you do a list of the very minimum you can live with, such as washing up done, floor swept, clothes washed. Then bin the man because you'll only get more and more resentful. It gets easier as they get a bit older.