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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New relationship sex advice

48 replies

Awkward2021 · 13/01/2021 07:02

Hi
I started seeing a man recently, he is just such an amazing person. He makes me feel like the only woman in the world.
I just have a major problem. Sex. He struggles to get hard and keep it hard. Even during sex he can lose it..I’ve offered to “help” last night but he declined. We have managed good sex a few times but the majority of the time this is how it goes. We’ve talked about me being on top but I’m just so scared to go for it because as soon as he comes out of me it goes down 🙈 and I don’t wana jump straight on because I don’t think he is ever fully hard when we start having sex I think it progresses from there. I don’t know if it’s me or he has a problem I’m just so confused I’ve never experienced this before. Xx

OP posts:
category12 · 13/01/2021 07:12

How long have you been trying? How old is he?

category12 · 13/01/2021 07:14

And it's not you Hmm, he wants to go to bed with you. It's about him, physically or emotionally.

Original poster
Awkward2021 · 13/01/2021 07:48

We’ve been seeing each other about 2 months. He’s in his early 30’s x

OP posts:
MingeofDeath · 13/01/2021 07:59

Has he tried viagra?

category12 · 13/01/2021 09:28

If he's early 30s, it's probably performance anxiety or psychological rather than physical.

Unless he's very unfit or underlying health problem. Is he a drinker?

If it's psychological, he might find viagra useful even tho it's not a physical issue, but so he knows he can trust his erection and stop worrying about it.

I'd probably give it a little while longer, but if he's not willing to talk about it, or try things like you "helping" or getting help from gp or something, then I'd be giving the heave-ho.

Original poster
Awkward2021 · 13/01/2021 09:47

From what I can gather from him it’s not something he usually had a problem with. When we did have “good” sex he knew I rest enjoyed it etc so I don’t know why he would feel anxious about it. I’m just confused as hell lol. Thanks for your advice ladies xx

OP posts:
LetItGoHome · 13/01/2021 10:11

He probably just likes you a lot! Men can put a lot of pressure on themselves and it has the opposite effect of what they want.

Perhaps try and bring the subject up outside of the bedroom when sex isn't on the cards. That way you can be reassured and gives him the opportunity to open up if he needs to. I'd personally give it longer before Viagra or dumping him!

I wonder how sexually experience he is or if he has had much experience of loving long term relationships?

category12 · 13/01/2021 10:18

Hmm, "it's never happened before" sounds like bullshit to me and would make me wary. Does he neg you?

Original poster
Awkward2021 · 13/01/2021 10:28

I think he is quite sexual experienced he is a good looking guy and had kids etc.
I’m sorry I don’t know what neg means 🙈

OP posts:
WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 13/01/2021 10:57

In young men (under 50) this is usually caused by the hand death grip when using porn to wank. And its highly unlikely he will ever admit to it. If he's early 30s and already divorced with kids, then its quite possible this has been a significant issue in the past with other partners. Not something Id be interested in getting involved with.

Anothernick · 13/01/2021 10:57

Man here, this does sound very much like performance anxiety. @letitgohome has good advice, talk to him about it in a supportive and uncritical way. If he can manage it sometimes then there is clearly no underlying issue, he probably just stressed. We're all stressed at the moment after all.

A healthy guy in his 30s should not need any help in that area and I wouldn't recommend viagra, he is far too young and it might induce psychological dependence.

MissSmiley · 13/01/2021 11:06

Hi OP I have dated a couple of guy's with this problem, the first it turned out was a major factor in his divorce and didn't mention it to me to begin with, in fact we never we had sex because it wasn't physically possible. It was a deal breaker for me too.
The second guy admitted to a few problems, lied about taking viagra but it turned out he had a heart condition, we stayed friends and three years later he's with someone but still having the same problems.
Never known a guy who couldn't get hard because of death grip usually more a problem with not being able to reach orgasm from sex, and they do sometimes admit to it

PinotPony · 13/01/2021 14:01

Sounds like performance anxiety to me. Not unusual in a new relationship regardless of age. The more he thinks "oh shit, I'm going to lose my erection", the more likely it is to happen. It's a vicious circle.

I wouldn't make a big deal about it. It'll probably get better as his confidence grows.

When this has happened to me with partners, I've just shrugged it off, reassured them that I'm still having a good time and asked if they'd like me to keep touching them anyway. Just because it's not hard, doesn't mean he can't feel anything!

IBEX7 · 13/01/2021 14:06

I think once it happens once for a man it can play on their mind and becomes mental thing. Prob better to just go back to basics. Foreplay with no penetration for a while.

Fcuk38 · 13/01/2021 14:10

Or he could not be healthy and it could be a sign of something you wouldn’t suspect. This was the first sign before my late husband was diagnosed with a tumour. We didn’t put 2 and 2 back at the time. You both need to have a serious conversation so you can determine if it’s something serious and if he needs to go doctors.

movingonup20 · 13/01/2021 14:11

Is he on antidepressants? They can have this effect.

Wanderlusto · 13/01/2021 14:14

Just be on your guard for other things such as a mysoginistic view on women which may indicate a porn addiction.

Feeling under pressure can do this too.

And so can being a covert narcissist who is actually uninterested in sex and has to fake it a little or who is using it to control you (make you feel it's your fault he cant get hard).

Just assume it's the middle option for now and dont make a big deal out of it and see how things go the next few tries. But be on your guard.

Roberta268 · 13/01/2021 14:32

Given his age, it’s much more likely to be porn-related than a medical problem. Have you talked to him about what he thinks of porn and how often he uses it?

Firenight · 13/01/2021 14:50

I have experience of this with my partner. Barely discussed and its amassive issue for me although I try hard not to put pressue on. Inevitably it results in a hand job and pleasure for him. But I miss really good piv.

Original poster
Awkward2021 · 13/01/2021 15:30

He seems to prefer pleasuring me, and he just wants to constantly do that. He had mentioned to me before that he watched porn so I don’t know what to think

OP posts:
Wanderlusto · 13/01/2021 15:44

@Firenight

I have experience of this with my partner. Barely discussed and its amassive issue for me although I try hard not to put pressue on. Inevitably it results in a hand job and pleasure for him. But I miss really good piv.
Why are you letting it continue? Sexual incompatibility is a pretty big thing to just let slide. Fair enough giving it a few weeks to see if it fixes itself but if something isnt working for you (or rather him) after that, you really should stop...trying to flog a dead horse. Sorry, couldn't resist lol.

I mean if you overlook stuff like this early on before you're attached...what sort of shit will you overlook a year from now?

Firenight · 13/01/2021 16:05

Wanderlusto - its not a new relationship and there are a lot of commitments including kids. My needs are not paramount.

PussGirl · 13/01/2021 16:06

He might prefer pleasuring you because he's worried about his erection failing.

I think viagra worth a try - if he is aroused it will help & then he may well feel more confident for the next time.

It can be bought over- the -counter at pharmacies without prescription.

Azerothi · 13/01/2021 16:21

I would be very wary as to why he says or implies it is only happening with you. It will badly affect your self-esteem eventually if you believe that it is only you he has ever had a problem getting it up with.

Happyone8 · 13/01/2021 17:02

@Azerothi I agree with you

I went out with someone who had this issue - ended up they watched too much porn and were never turned on enough by regular sex . When the porn was cut out for a while they were back to normal again

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