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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New relationship sex advice

48 replies

Awkward2021 · 13/01/2021 07:02

Hi
I started seeing a man recently, he is just such an amazing person. He makes me feel like the only woman in the world.
I just have a major problem. Sex. He struggles to get hard and keep it hard. Even during sex he can lose it..I’ve offered to “help” last night but he declined. We have managed good sex a few times but the majority of the time this is how it goes. We’ve talked about me being on top but I’m just so scared to go for it because as soon as he comes out of me it goes down 🙈 and I don’t wana jump straight on because I don’t think he is ever fully hard when we start having sex I think it progresses from there. I don’t know if it’s me or he has a problem I’m just so confused I’ve never experienced this before. Xx

OP posts:
AdventureCode · 13/01/2021 17:11

I'd love a mans viewpoint on this, for why and what helped them.

TowandaForever · 13/01/2021 17:26

@AdventureCode

A man has replied on this thread.

IJustWantSomeBees · 13/01/2021 20:51

@WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo

In young men (under 50) this is usually caused by the hand death grip when using porn to wank. And its highly unlikely he will ever admit to it. If he's early 30s and already divorced with kids, then its quite possible this has been a significant issue in the past with other partners. Not something Id be interested in getting involved with.
This.
Kat2000 · 13/01/2021 21:19

Yep agree with the death grip too, my exh had this problem but of course it was all my fault, Um no I don’t think so, never had the problem with anyone before and had first after divorce sex in October and absolutely no problem and was actually complemented so my confidence is brilliant at the moment. I would say give it chance because it’s a new relationship so it could be that but don’t carry on if it dosent get better.

Fran856 · 13/01/2021 23:59

Porn addiction ? It’s common In men who watch too much porn

Original poster
Awkward2021 · 15/01/2021 05:53

Happened again last night 😣 in the middle
Of sex it just went. He said it was cos he felt bad because I was having tummy cramps earlier (even though he 100% knew I wanted it and was enjoying it) I just dunno what to do. Think it might be a no from me

OP posts:
Happyone8 · 15/01/2021 07:34

I think it will just affect your self esteem . If it was a long term partner and it just suddenly started happening that’s a bit different but personally so early on I’d be a no too , especially with the constant deflection on to you as the cause somehow x

Spaceman1 · 15/01/2021 07:44

My guess is that he's taking anti depressants but doesn't want to admit this to you.

2021sunshine · 15/01/2021 08:26

Does he cycle a lot?

Original poster
Awkward2021 · 15/01/2021 09:14

No he doesn’t cycle xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Awkward2021 · 15/01/2021 09:16

I’m thinking it’s the porn thing and he has unrealistic views of what women will look like and how sex will be. Fully dressed I look like I may have a good figure, big boobs, skinny, but undressed I have breastfed 3 babies with these big boobs lol and I have a mummy tummy and stretch marks so maybe he was expecting something else 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
LindaEllen · 15/01/2021 09:18

My ex had this issue when we first got together. He was diagnosed with T2 diabetes - and when he started getting that under control it solved the problem, even though we hadn't linked the two at the time! It may be a long shot, but perhaps worth checking.

upupandawaytoday · 15/01/2021 09:21

I went through this when I met my now bf.

He was single for a while whereas I was newly divorced when we met. He openly admitted that he struggled with a new partner so it was expected so I assumed it was a nerves thing but it was very frustrating for the first couple of months (even more so as I have a high sex drive)

I just didn't put pressure on him and was very understanding. We just didn't rush it and did lots of foreplay. I then suggested viagra and laying off the booze and the rest is history.

One day he woke me up early in the morning and that was it, he didn't need them anymore.

Happyone8 · 15/01/2021 09:50

@Awkward2021

I’m thinking it’s the porn thing and he has unrealistic views of what women will look like and how sex will be. Fully dressed I look like I may have a good figure, big boobs, skinny, but undressed I have breastfed 3 babies with these big boobs lol and I have a mummy tummy and stretch marks so maybe he was expecting something else 🤷‍♀️
See now you are losing your self esteem and he’s making you think you are the issue. I don’t think guys see what we see , even with saggy bits , most guys just love a naked woman ! His comments about it never happening before etc have made you start doubting yourself .
Ithinkim · 15/01/2021 10:01

That would be a no from me, I think he's most likely had issues for a while.

Last night's excuse was just lame (no pun intended)

Raidblunner · 15/01/2021 10:11

Yep sounds like he's got a bad case of 'Pornblocker'. He needs to stop the wanking and give himself at least a month of abstinence of all rumpy pumpy and sexual activity. Then gently ease back in to it. A healthy bloke in his 30's should not need Viagra. He needs to be hungry for it, that's why boxers abstain before a fight.

felttree · 15/01/2021 10:18

It's 100% him (psychological) and nothing to do with you don't let him tell you otherwise. He couldn't get hard as you had a tummy ache ....okay.....

Tell him to try viagra and to cut down any cigarettes or alcohol. Next time he loses it, tell him his reaction should be to reassure you and not blame you otherwise he can take his floppy Johnson and drive himself home.

Happyone8 · 15/01/2021 11:45

Hahaha floppy Johnson lol

Happyone8 · 15/01/2021 11:46

And cut out the porn too !

joystir59 · 15/01/2021 11:51

Or he could be gay. Whatever the reason he isn't being open and honest with you and he is putting it on you- he couldn't stay hard because you'd had tummy cramps. I wouldn't persevere with him.

Original poster
Awkward2021 · 15/01/2021 16:48

He’s asked me to see him at the weekend and although I love spending time with him I’m dreading it cos I know we’re gonna wanna go there and it’s gonna end up how it always does...oh man this is hard work

OP posts:
Akleom · 29/01/2021 17:58

@Awkward2021 I'm a guy, I had similar issues in the past. He has to make the vow to lay off visual and manual stimulation to restore his sensitivity. There's nothing wrong with you, its psycho-physical for him, and it doesn't take very long to get back to normal. Viagra or Cialis is also useful to restore his confidence again, getting him back into the swing of things, and it should be fun for you too. Fundamentally though, he has to make the vow if this is an experience he values. Best of luck.

Silenceisgolden20 · 29/01/2021 18:08

Why would you think it's your body?

I highly doubt it. Saying it's because you had tummy cramps is putting it on you. Completely deflecting from his own issue

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