DH letting BIL in the house during lockdown

[Tresland]

I wasn't sure whether to post this in AIBU, Covid or relationships, but here goes.

DH brother passed by our house today and asked to come in. DH asked me if that was ok and I said no, given we are in lockdown and he would just be round for a social call. BIL had a tool in their car DH wanted, so asked me whether BIL could drop it off. I agreed, but when DH was downstairs I could hear them chatting and laughing inside. BIL was inside the house for about 30 minutes, and when he left and DH came back I basically told him that I was absolutely fuming and that he had been disrespectful. He apologised, but then said there was nothing he could do about it now and he hadn't explicitly asked BIL inside, it had "just happened".

I am devastated and don't know whether I am overreacting. Several times in the evening he's tried to talk to me as if nothing happened, like he's already said sorry so that's that. I don't know what to do now really. It's not as if there are lots of things that bother me about DH and this is just another thing, but his casual somewhat attitude to the pandemic and his disregard of my feelings is upsetting me. Do I just need to get over it? There was really no reason for BIL to be here, and he just saw him at Christmas. It's mainly the fact he asked and I said no that's bothering me. I don't know how to handle the situation.

@Tresland

Yes that’s fair enough I understand what you mean
COVID aside I do understand it’s annoying that he’s gone against what you’ve said but I think you are looking way too much into this , he probably felt awkward saying no to BIL coming in house probably didn’t want to be see as making a big fuss , I don’t think he intentionally tried to cause you any hurt and I think it’s unhelpful people commenting saying they’d be distraught or that your partner should spend the night in prison , it’s ludicrous.
I know he’s your husband but he’s still his own person and we all have different views on covid he probably isn’t as worried as you and probably sees it as over reaction on your behalf , I don’t think you can compare it to a strip club , I really do think you need to relax , life is hard enough at the moment

Love all the people who "wouldnt be bothered" - right up til the moment it turns out either they or a loved one was vulnerable to COVID, or got ill another way, and needed a hosptal bed.

OP I would be fucking incandescent with rage.

@classiestgal

I’d be absolutely raging to be honest and personally I’d make him move out today. I’d be done. Why should I not see my best friend or my family but he just lets his fucking BIL in like its a random summers day. It’s illegal and people are sacrificing. My kid couldn’t see anyone on his birthday but your DH thinks his shit doesn’t stink? If I knew you I’d report him to the police. He’s a fucking liability and needs to be shut down. This cavalier attitude is why we’re all in this shit. I’m sorry but both of them should be chucked in prison for the night and warmed if they do it again they’ll get a week next time.

No wonder so many people get divorced!!

Do people really break up relationships that easily??

@Nicolastuffedone

Do people really break up relationships that easily??

Not in the real world, no.

DH is an adult and should be able to act responsibly

If he doesn’t act responsibly and you dare to comment then you are ‘the fun police’

He needs to grow up!

As for your relationship is he a man child in enough ways to make this into a big deal?

Does he always ask your permission for stuff - maybe he sees you as the adult! ... the sneakily do the opposite?

Is it an issue to do with his brother encouraging irresponsible behaviour and he otherwise would be a proper grown up?

[quote Fran856]@Tresland

Yes that’s fair enough I understand what you mean
COVID aside I do understand it’s annoying that he’s gone against what you’ve said but I think you are looking way too much into this , he probably felt awkward saying no to BIL coming in house probably didn’t want to be see as making a big fuss , I don’t think he intentionally tried to cause you any hurt and I think it’s unhelpful people commenting saying they’d be distraught or that your partner should spend the night in prison , it’s ludicrous.
I know he’s your husband but he’s still his own person and we all have different views on covid he probably isn’t as worried as you and probably sees it as over reaction on your behalf , I don’t think you can compare it to a strip club , I really do think you need to relax , life is hard enough at the moment[/quote]
Why can't I compare it to a strip club? That similarly about one personal sensibilities. In reality, I wouldn't mind if DH went to a strip club with friends, but I know a lot of people on Mumsnet have serious issues with it. Similarly I have issues with letting people in my house to hang out during a national lockdown. DH knows this, confirmed it, promised not to hang out with BIL at home and and then did anyway.

Why would he feel awkward about telling BIL? He had already told BIL. He'd already texted him to say they weren't going to hang out, and BIL also knows my feelings re lockdown. So that's worse, because he's also projecting to BIL that my opinions don't matter. I'm just the wife, let's ignore her, she's being silly.

@Tresland

No I do understand that your annoyed about the situation but I think your over reacting which is why I asked if there was anything else going on you’ve not mentioned as it seems a little odd to be so upset by this one incident of your normally loving husband ...

Has he made you feel like he doesn’t respect your opinion before ?
Are there trust or boundary issues in the relationship you’ve struggled with before ?
I think most are just confused why you are so upset by this , i think most acknowledged they can see the minor annoyance in it , but for me I’d compare it to forgetting to put the bins out

@Inpeace

DH is an adult and should be able to act responsibly

If he doesn’t act responsibly and you dare to comment then you are ‘the fun police’

He needs to grow up!

As for your relationship is he a man child in enough ways to make this into a big deal?

Does he always ask your permission for stuff - maybe he sees you as the adult! ... the sneakily do the opposite?

Is it an issue to do with his brother encouraging irresponsible behaviour and he otherwise would be a proper grown up?

Yes, that 'fun police' comment ticked me off too, but I let that go as I thought at least DH was respecting my wishes. Then he just did an imaginary screw you and chilled in the house with BIL for half an hour.

He does tend to ask me things that I'd consider unecessary, but under normal circumstances he wouldn't be asking me whether it would be ok for him and BIL to hang out, or whether it was fine for him to do something. He asked because he obviously knew I'd probably not be ok with it, but likely also because he knows he shouldn't be doing it and is looking to me to make the right decision for him. That is a bit irritating, but it's something I can live with. This however is disrespecting my boundaries.

Had he invited BIL over without checking with me and I'd found them in the house, I would be mad and scolded him for being an irresponsible twat, but I would have been over it by now. It's the fact he knew and went behind my back that's upsetting and caused me to use the word devastated.

So you stayed upstairs while they chatted downstairs for 30 minutes? If you felt that strongly why did you not ask him to leave as soon as you heard his voice?

All the people on here who have the attitude that "it's fine, because we won't likely die of it" are exactly the people who cause the spread of covid, to people, down the line, who do die of it. The ' I'm alright Jack' attitude is exactly why more people have died and will die needlessly. It shows narrow-mindedness, and a deep lack of respect for other people's lives.
It might not be life or death to you, but it could be to someone else, you are also prolonging the misery of lockdown for the whole country, while at the same time complaining that there is one - crazy opinion, makes no sense at all!
Your BIL , like the tradesman, or anyone who will see nothing in breaking rules, are the most likely to have the disease.
So, next time anyone asks to come into your homes, just see it like they are, saying "Hi, I'm full of covid, can I come in?" Maybe then, you will all finally get the message

All the people on here who have the attitude that "it's fine, because we won't likely die of it" are exactly the people who cause the spread of covid, to people, down the line, who do die of it. The ' I'm alright Jack' attitude is exactly why more people have died and will die needlessly. It shows narrow-mindedness, and a deep lack of respect for other people's lives.

Exactly. Yet there are people who think that just because they're not vulnerable, then it's ok to bend / break the rules and accuse op of overreacting

Get a life. Switch off your TV. Give your BIL a hug.

Classic example of why we are seeing over 1K people dying a day in the U.K.

It was something as “minor” as this encounter that has left me in the my current Covid positive positive. Thank you DH.

Blasé encounters such as this keep the virus spreading, yANBU

For those idiots that don’t see it a problem let me tell you my story which is 100% true.

Dad was in respite at Christmas in a care home as mum had major heart surgery. Dad caught Covid in there despite living well for 89 years and died within 12 hours of going into hospital. But you know he was 89 so 🤷‍♀️- he was my dad and one day it could happen to your dad.

DH in work after New Year, can work from home but prefers the office. Large office socially distanced seating with lots of blokes sharing loos and kitchen.

Me seeing no one but elderly mum who I’m caring for in her home for the last six weeks. DH lost his sense of smell the evening after mums had her Covid vaccination. That I took her for in the car, with closed windows so she didn’t get cold, each way.

We are both positive. I have spent the last five days terrified that since DH caught it so easily and spread it to me so easily that I did the same with mum.

She has just tested negative, thank fuck. And that’s only because we both double masked And the journey was fairly short I’m sure.

DHs office have gone down like flies, about six or seven young men in their twenties and early thirties and all of them much much iller than us.

My mother could have died. But you know, give your BiL a hug and keep seeing your fam, because its all good.

100,000 uk deaths now, could be you, your fam or your BiL next.

I wouldn't be telling a grown man that he can't invite his brother into his own house for a quick chat. Pandemic or no pandemic. I mostly stick to the rules but it's up to my DH whether he does or not, I'm not his boss.

I think you sound really controlling OP. You don't seem particularly bothered about covid, just that your DH disobeyed you

@MynephewR

I wouldn't be telling a grown man that he can't invite his brother into his own house for a quick chat. Pandemic or no pandemic. I mostly stick to the rules but it's up to my DH whether he does or not, I'm not his boss.

I think you sound really controlling OP. You don't seem particularly bothered about covid, just that your DH disobeyed you

Since when is telling your husband you don't want him to do something that is against the law 'controlling'?

Those who say they are not worried or you are overreacting are wrong, and your husband is either weak or an idiot.

Unfortunately for you your husband has a cavalier attitude to safety.

It is this, among other factors that is spreading the virus so badly and extensively.

@DoWahDiddy I work in a hospital in the US and we have eight wards dedicated to Covid 19 patients-six are general care wards and two are ICU-we are needing to open a third one soon. The survival rate is high in my country but the amount of people sick at the same time are overwhelming and we on the front lines are on our knees. The past ten months have been a nightmare so your flippant attitude is really hard to understand

@TJ17

What does it matter about high risk jobs and being vulnerable?!

It is AGAINST THE LAW and not for you to decide.

OP may not be high risk. But she may go shopping or to a hospital app around someone who ^is.

That is how this works....that is why we are still here a YEAR later.
^
My god.

This.

OP,
He asked, you said NO, he did it anyway.

You have every right to be really pissed off.

He has utterly disregarded you, and not for the first time.

YADNBU.

[quote EKGEMS]@DoWahDiddy I work in a hospital in the US and we have eight wards dedicated to Covid 19 patients-six are general care wards and two are ICU-we are needing to open a third one soon. The survival rate is high in my country but the amount of people sick at the same time are overwhelming and we on the front lines are on our knees. The past ten months have been a nightmare so your flippant attitude is really hard to understand [/quote]
It's not that hard. Ten years ago I caught viral myocarditis and ended up spending months in CCU with congestive heart failure and renal failure. I'm classed as high risk in this current climate. Yet, I don't wear a mask, give hugs and shake the hands of people. I'm fully aware of the damage a virus can do. I'm still here!

The numbers are being massaged to favour political purpose. There are umpteen links I could post here but I will refrain. What's most disturbing is the way people, such as the OP, are falling for the propaganda and the influence said propaganda is having on people's behaviour.

What we have here is influenza rebranded as Covid-19. The test for Covid-19 is sub-optimal. This is 'flu' season but 'flu' has disappeared according to worldwide statistics. Not to mention the correlation between people being 'vaccinated' and the increase in cases. Antibody dependent enhancement, anyone?