I finally did it but he won’t accept it’s over

[LifeIsNoPicnic]

Hi everyone,

I’ve been in an emotionally abusive relationship for a number of years now, I finally bit the bullet and finished with my partner in October, unfortunately he’s still in our house (we own it together). I have a grown up son and a 5 year old daughter.

He makes excuses about having nowhere to go, he’s still manipulating, gaslighting, projecting, guilt tripping, you name it. I’m really struggling to deal with this as he has also been saying things to our daughter, she now says I’m being mean to daddy and I’m making him go then I constantly get the “look what you’re doing to our family” remark. She doesn’t understand and I’ve tried to keep her out of it as much as possible.

I have already tried to get him to realise what he was like and we split in September 19 but I stupidly gave in. I just can’t do this anymore. I’ve told him I don’t love him and resent him for everything. He’s so desperate he’s trying to prove that he now gets how he was and is getting help. I just don’t want him anymore, am I being selfish? He tells me it’s all what I want and he’s losing it all. I did explain that it was his behaviour that ended this relationship but again he throws it back at me, tells me I’m a hard bitch now, er no I’m standing up for myself. When he realises I’m serious he goes out and disappears for the day but when he comes back it’s like a voice in his head tells him to keep trying and he assumes we’re back on, if I remind him we’re not he gets nasty.

He keeps telling me he’s changing and he’s had counselling and he wants us to try again, tells me he can’t bear another man touching me or bringing up our daughter then basically tells me I won’t cope alone. He’s 50 now so he says he can’t start over as he’s too old, he is literally begging but I’ve stood my ground, what’s the next step? I can’t afford to buy him out so I’d have to sell and then rent but he’s doing what he can to drag my name through mud and stop me.

My friends have been great but I don’t like to badger them over it. I’m stuck and my anxiety is sky high right now as also working from home.

Any advice is appreciated thank you 😘

Do not give in or back down. Ignore any of his bullshit gaslighting and to fuck with him "dragging your name through the mud." Let him. Anyone who matters won't believe a word he says. You need to get a solicitor and work out the issue of the shared home. Stay strong and get this disaster ended once and for all.

If he has no where to go can you move out?

You need to see a solicitor and see about forcing a sale of your home.

When I finally did the same to my abusive stbxh after over 20 years together, he said almost verbatim what you describe your partner saying. He went on about how I was taking everything away from him and getting what I wanted. He had no compunction about dragging the kids into it, telling my 4 year old "Mummy wants me to go", insisting he did actually respect me after years of proving the opposite, promising to go to counselling after sneering at the idea many times before, writing me a long letter about how now he saw the error of his ways and would prove he had changed, blah blah. Spoiler alert - since then he had constantly proven that he is exactly the same and, at times, even worse than I thought. He seems to have pulled himself together pretty quickly though - before a year of our being separated was up, he was knee deep in plans to buy a house with his new girlfriend. Like you, I wasn't anywhere near able to buy him out so we sold the house and I am now renting. Please please stay strong. If he is anything like my ex, he will be just fine because looking after himself as top priority is what he does best.

You need to crack on with forcing a sale, sorry. While he's got the choice, he's just going to continue, hoping to wear you down like has worked before.

Thank you everyone, really suffering today as I told him in no uncertain terms it’s over. He got very nasty, threatening to take me to court for custody (which I ignored although not nice to hear). He keeps repeating himself and saying I’m throwing away the last 9 years and he can’t bear another man touching me! Give me chance to get over this relationship first. Then he said his older kids will miss out as he won’t be able to get life insurance again as now has diabetes blah blah. My anxiety is sky high, I can’t eat. I’m still trying to work from home in a new job, it’s just awful at the moment and I don’t know which way to turn

You will be ok. You are thinking objectively. It's time to plan your exit strategy. Women's Aid can help. Tell your friends and family, that you can trust. Make your plans behind his back regarding the law and any other logistics. You can and will make a better life for yourself, you deserve it.

I just don’t want him anymore, am I being selfish

Yes, you are being selfish. And it's great. It's exactly what you should be. Abuse victims stay victims by squashing their own needs in favour of what their abuser demands.

You are not doing this.
You are no longer a victim.
You are showing him your boundaries and forcing him to stick to them.

With regard to selfishness, it gets a very bad press. Presumably, you love your daughter, and you are a good person, so, what she needs is incorporated in what you need. So, in being selfish and meeting your own needs, you are giving her the best love and support there is.

If your anxiety rises, remind yourself that you are absolutely amazing. You are unique. You are a good person. You are standing up to emotional abuse daily, so you must be powerful. Repeat these things like a mantra. Use them as a foundation to rest upon.

Escaping abuse is about knocking your abuser off their pedestal, so that you can get on it yourself. Don't doubt yourself. You are solid rock.

he can’t bear another man touching me

Ha! Who gives a flying fandoodle what he wants?! He doesn't take care of what you want, so he's rather lost his rights, hasn't he...

How much equity is in the house?

Can you afford to buy him out?

Snap! I am in same sort of situation, wont accept im unhappy that he can change. What u describe scarily sounds exactly like my other half. I wont have the best advice as im still trying to get head round everything. But stick with it, only you know how he makes you feel and despite all the good times, you cant just forget how they make you feel and im coming to terms with that. Be firm and strong because my mistake is allowing myself to forgive the same BS then letting it build up because they dont understand how you feel as you cant express yourself. Youve got it in you be strong and we all deserve happiness

Have you spoken to a solicitor ?

Stay strong because he will ramp it up. Abuse is about power. He is losing power you aren't scared. Get angry that will help you to stay strong.
Make a plan and stay in course.

Keep focused on that end result when you don’t have to be with this controlling man. It will be so worth it. And keep patting yourself on the back for having made that first step. Every time he gets nasty sit back l, tune out and think of the times in the near future when you won’t have to listen to it, and remember he’s only saying it to try and change your mind, it’s not true what he’s saying. And be kind to yourself, because nobody else is being. Make sure you’re eating, even if it’s only a little, and try and pick healthy things. You need to keep your strength up throughout this..

If he gets aggressive you could call the police and have him removed. Tell them you fear for your safety. Perhaps they would instruct him to stay away from you. That should give you some free time to force the sale of the house without him hovering about.

But really, get straight on that house sale asap.
If he starts with the can't bare another man to touch you crap (another snipbit tor the police btw as could be a threat) the ten him straight 'I dont care, stop talking to me. We are over. I really dont give a shit what you want' and walk out of the room any time ge tries to bring up something not kid related. Like dont get drawn into his convos, just walk away every time.

You could explain to your daughter that daddy is being a bully and women shouldnt tolerate bullies. But maybe wait till he is gone to do this.

OP,

It would be very helpful if his nastiness was to escalate so that you could ring the police and get him removed from the house so you can sell and move on.

Flag the house with 101 first so that if he becomes nasty, they will come quickly.

It sounds as if he is harassing you badly.

Ah thank you so much, you’re all so lovely! I have contacted the cash buyer we had originally to sell the house and started the process again. He doesn’t know yet as I’m drained from all the arguing when he realises he’s not getting his own way. I lost out on this in November as my ex put it hold and we missed the date, all because he was trying to get me back, not this time. He will kick off when he finds out as he has to sign it but I’ll deal with that next week.

I can’t believe he is still trying to win me back!! 4 months this has been going on, bloody ridiculous! I’ve lost count how many times I’ve said there is no chance. He’s been out all day, he comes back and talks to me like I’m the bloody queen and says “shall we get a turkey at Easter?” How about I buy one now and knock you over the head with it, jeez he is unreal. Why is he pretending like nothing has happened? It drives me crazy xx

You need to block him on all means of contacting you, except maybe an email. Honestly, he's continuing the abuse because he can. But if you cut off his means of contact, then you will start feeling stronger. LImit the time you see him at handovers etc, and employ the grey rock method of contact.

And yes, sell the house. See a solicitor if you haven't already. Legal advice and a clear path forward will also make you feel empowered.

Have you had a solicitor and filed for divorce yet? Would that be an idea? It would probably help you with someone official in your camp.

Ring Women’s Aid and speak to your local council about registering as homeless. Even though you have a property, if you have reported his unreasonable behaviour to WA and you cannot live together, they will help you.

Don't do any cooking/washing for him ect...basically treat him like a flatmate.

Good luck with the house sale!

Are you married? Sounds like you live in mortgaged house you both own?

You could ring National domestic violence helpline and see if his behaviour meets the threshold for coercive control or to get an occupation on non-molestation order?

Stay strong.
Listen to the great ladies above.

@MsConstrue we split in October but he won’t leave as we both own the house. He’s trying every trick in the book to win me back but I put up with so much emotional abuse and coercive behaviour, I’m not willing to go back there. It’s just getting him to realise I’m serious!!

@Honeyroar we’re not married thankfully

@Rgy3250999 I’ll give them a call! I just need my space now and it’s not happening

Xx

Speak to the police about charging him for coercive control as it's illegal now.