More manipulation and involving kids now

[WingingItAtLife]

So, me again.

After not seeing the kids for two weeks, ex decided he wanted them for two nights. This was after a very long talk between us, during which he said he is absolutely not over me. He cannot believe I don't want him anymore. He cannot see how his behaviour was so bad that I'd prefer to be alone. He's heartbroken. He's also met another woman. Who he's admitted doesn't mean anything yet but his good judge of character means he knows shes decent. (We split in Nov, he found her on tinder on Dec 15th he says)

So... He's got the kids today. And he rings me after a few hours and says he's struggling. Not physically, but mentally. He cannot be alone and needs support. He wants me to go there. I cannot go there because 'there' is our old family home and I read it will confuse the kids, they won't understand why mummy is there but not staying, sleeping, doing bedtime etc. Do I say no. He says he wants me to be around him. I say no. He then says..... That if I do not go there, he will be backed into a corner and have to seek support from her. I asked him not to, he has not had time with the kids for two weeks. They need their dad time. Just them.

He rings back after a while and tried again. Begs me to try our relationship again. Get counseling. He loves me. Do I really want another woman to be given 'my ring' (he never proposed to me but apparently had planned to - he's said this multiple times over the years). And if I don't want him, fine, he'll love on TOMORROW by introducing HIS NEW FAMILY.

I feel physically sick for my kids. How confusing for them that this new woman and her kid may be in our family home. I know I cannot stop him, so I need to know how to support my kids if this actually happens. They're 7+4. I've bought a diary for each of them. And I'm going to suggest we talk about their feelings at the end of each day, and I will give them time, with or without me, to write or draw in their diaries about how they feel. I know the 4 year old can't but I can't exclude him x

Anyone?
He has thankfully changed his mind and said he won't do it so quickly. But I think he will soon and I wanna help my kids as much as possible

Hi, you say you don’t want him anymore, why? Could it be because he’s a controlling manipulative man who stops at little to get his way? He’s using his children as bait to control you. You’re in an awful position, given where you’re at, most women would be in bits as well. Coming down to it....you don’t want him. He’s using everything he’s got to control you. No it won’t be easy to see him with someone new and your heart will ache for your children being introduced to a new person, who - just might be a nice person, BUT he’s who he is.... good luck, hugs.

Thank you, I AM in bits. Totally. Is this is some dick game of his to hurt me, he's won. He'll win every time if he uses our children.
I honestly do not care that he's having sex, he can do what he wants. Just leave the kids out of it.
I so hope and pray she's a nice woman. I really do. Cz maybe then she won't 'try too hard" with my kids if they're feeling uncomfortable.

He keeps telling me I chose this remember, because I left

Wow, typos. IF this is some SICK game

Is what I meant

Stop engaging with him

Hi again, I read on here a while ago that there’s nothing so selfish as a man in a new relationship. I’ve not been in your situation, but if you can resist interacting with him that’s going to stop feeding the ongoing friction. Hard - yes, but what he wants, is to not only control, but hurt and he’ll use whatever/whoever to achieve this. No way is this man ready for a successful new relationship, if at all possible, take a ticket and watch the show! Hold out...keep communications with him to a bare minimum and hold your littlies extra close after each visit. Who knows he may tire of the visits, some dads do.

The whole "I've got a new woman" thing could be utter bullshit, you know. I'd place money on it being bollocks or highly exaggerated.

It sounds like he's throwing everything and anything at you to try to manipulate you back.

Take what he says with a bucketload of salt. His only goal is pushing your buttons.

Reduce contact and only engage in the practicalities with him, ignore everything else he says.

O have tried to keep contact to just about the kids but if I ignore his texts he gets angry and aggressive. He keeps texting over and over and then calls me. I feel trapped.
I left because I wanted less drama and upset in my life, and all I've got is more

I feel sick today for my kids.

You have all these aggressive angry texts, right? If not, start keeping them.

Anyway, he's not actually allowed to harass and bully you. What he's doing is wrong and potentially illegal depending on content. If the texts are abusive, threatening or frightening, you can go to the police or speak to a solicitor.

What you need to do is something like, get a second sim card and use your new number for everyone you want to hear from, and only put in the old sim when you want to pick up calls or texts from him.
Or inform him that because of his abuse of phone contact, he will be blocked on your phone when he doesn't have the dc, and give him an email address to contact you, and only check the email when it suits you to do so.
Or inform him he needs to contact you through solicitors from now on.

You do not need to sit there taking his abuse. If he escalates his behaviour, you call the cops. Tolerating abuse doesn't end it.

Read up on grey rock. You need to become boring to him. Message or talk about things to do with the kids only.

Really limit contact as much as possible.

You're doing the right thing to stand your ground, trust your instincts. How low do you have to be to mess with your own children's heads like that, just to manipulate someone to get what you want?

I second PP about the grey rock technique, it doesn't always work quickly but usually works in the long run.

Keep all his texts and emails, you may need them for evidence in the future. Don't tolerate his calls - hang up. If he threatens to harm anyone, himself included, ring the police.

Honestly, the entitlement of some people - you have told him clearly that it is over, but he still feels entitled to your time and attention. It is like he doesn't even see you as a real person to be respected, just a tool to service his needs.

Read up on grey rock. You need to become boring to him. Message or talk about things to do with the kids only.

This
Ignore anything irrelevant. Completely ignore. That includes whole texts if necessary.

If you have something you actually need to communicate. I used to send it once politely, if the content was ignored, I would copy and paste it but remove the pleasentaries. After that I would simply copy and paste.

You may find this works for ending conversation unrelated to the kids.
"Please note going forward I will not respond to anything unrelated to the children. Please ensure all texts are limited to necessary communication"
"I have advised you I will not respond to anything unrelated to the children. You need to ensure all texts are limited to necessary communication"
"I will not read to any text that contains information irrelevant to the direct welfare of the children."
After that ignore any text with personal information. Only respond to texts containing communication necessary to the children.

He says he does not believe that I could possibly not love him anymore. That we've had a wonderful past year (matter of opinion). And I'm he love of his life and he'll never get over me.

I think he's got a bit smarter with the texts, in that he's not so aggressive on the texts. He tends to just keep texting...
I know it's all about power with him, he's admitted he has no power left in any of this.

It's my kids I feel for in this. I don't know how he can think it's okay to use them to get at me. Or if he genuinely thinks introducing his new 'friend' is a good idea so soon.

I have read up on grey rock. I have, to some extent, tried this. Then he reeled me back in. I think I've been trying to tiptoe a little bit to try to avoid pushing him further but it's not working. He cannot be reasoned with. His friends have offered support but told him that they don't agree with some of his actions.... They then get ignored. It's like he truly believes he is right in all this

Hey! I think you responded to one of my threads where our situations are scarily similar (apart from my ex hasnt moved on - far too 'depressed' apparently). Our children are the same age, too! The best advice I got about contact with ex is to use email...I changed my number and told him we would only be talking over email. All his emails get archived so that if I ever need them they're all in one place. It's also much easier to ignore an email than loads of texts and calls. He doesn't need your number, don't give him the privilege. If you need to chat or rant then my inbox is always open x

Yy to email. Replace text with email above.

Text should only be used in case of hospitalization and where you cannot access a telephone call.

Use @Hazelnutlatteplease texts. They are great. Send one then ignore him.
Think of it like training a toddler. Ignore the bad behaviour. Reward the good ie respond civillly when he sends messages solely about the children.

He has the kids for another night tonight, once I get them back to me I will feel stronger.
I will send him a message telling him that -once again- I only want contact about the kids and selling the house. I know it's going to be as long drawn out process, I just wish it didn't have to be

It doesn't actually matter what he says about it or what he believes. He can be as deluded as he likes.

You have your truth and your experience.

Change the contact method.

You're still too emotionally engaged with his drama, what his friends think, what he's saying - none of it matters.

Do you actually know this new woman even exists? It just sounds to me like a bullshit tactic to manipulate you, and if he is dating, he's probably exaggerating her likelihood of involvement at this stage. Cos she'd have to have zero sense after a matter of weeks to get that entangled.

I'd be tempted to say if he does not feel mentally or physically to take care of the children then you can't support contact at this level. And suggest he either has them for a short period of time during the day a couple of days a week or perhaps whilst at his parents (depending on where he is living and COVID rules).

I know this may not give you much of a break but I'd be concerned what sort of games and emotional blackmail the kids are being subjected to whilst with him.

Stand firm. Suggest he needs to put an end to this nonsense and take care of his kids during contact or you will be forced to re-evaluate this.

You know all he is saying about this other woman is to try to get you to react, and so you do the pick me dance as he wants you back. Whilst yes he can do what he wants, maybe remind you could to, ie move a man in to your place and that he should be a responsible dad and see her for 6 months first to ensure it is serious before even thinking of telling the kids. And she should be doing the same if she is 'decent' before introducing her child to him. And keep a diary yourself of all interactions incase you need the info at any point.

I think I did it this morning.....

He's messaged again asking about our relationship. And asked if he 'holds things off with her' will it affect our outcome at all.

This was my response...
I have been honest. Our relationship is "over. I'm not saying that to hurt you. We have to parent separately from now on. You have your time, I'll have mine.

I no longer want to discuss anything that doesn't involve the children or the house selling. Please respect that"

He started again then with asking me is there no hope to try again. And that I can't blame him for sleeping with someone when I'd told him the relationship was over. (when he first told me, I told him that there was never ever any chance I'd go back. Maybe I shouldn't have said it. Because I had no chance to go back at all, but I was kind of disgusted that he had taken her what had been our bed for so long)

I replied ...
"I no longer want to discuss anything that is not related to the children or house. Please stop this"

Nice work.

I genuinely would be concerned about him having the kids tbh. How much attention can he really be giving them when he's drooping around messaging and calling you (and probably her too!) every five minutes? All his mental energy appears to be invested in that.

I'd go and pick my kids up today if I were you, he doesn't sound mentally stable

Absolutely all his energy and concern is about getting me back. I fear that if I withhold contact, he will use that against me. I will reassess after I get the kids back tomorrow m my eldest is 7 and very sensible and honest with me.