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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I know it's hard but why am I always the person reaching out?

36 replies

BlingLoving · 12/01/2021 15:57

Sorry for twee phrase of "reaching out".

It's Coronavirus. I know it's hard for most of us in one way or another. I get it. But I'm feeling a little down today that it is always me who makes the first to contact people. One of my best friends is suffering, I know, from her own MH so I get it. I get why she not only doesn't contact me but doesn't respond to my calls. I suspect that when she comes out of this latest funk she'll apologise for being so out of it. But I'm still tired of it. Another good friend is brilliant and I'm fully aware that she has a lot going on - homeschooling, very ill father, vulnerable mother etc. But again, I just wish she'd occasionally think of me. No one ever seems to feel they need to check in with me. And I'm fully aware that's largely because I'm usually seen as the strong and capable one. And also, my friends are fully aware that if I need them I'll call them - I'm not one of those people who expects people to magically know I'm struggling. So I do know AIBU but....

... I can't help feeling a little down. Things are really hard and I'm a bit tired of being the one everything thinks can just get on with things and will be resilient and tough.

OP posts:

PolarnOPirate · 12/01/2021 16:00

Same! No one thinks of me. Seen loads of threads the same lately so hey at least we're not alone in our loneliness DH actually cried the other day because he is actually very well liked across the board but you wouldn't know it by looking through his phone haha. It's always us reaching out to others. That probably makes us sound really annoying but we honestly do get the hint and don't pester. Would be nice to be asked how we are though! My mum says people don't like being asked how they are, so maybe that's why they don't ask others. I don't know. I wonder if they're literally never thinking of their friends. I think about all of my friends and family most days!

JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 12/01/2021 16:02

There was (and is) a thread on this. I am also in that position of being the strong one - nothing much has changed since I decided to take a step back - no-one really organizes anything like Zoom calls. I've just decided to keep the handful of friends I do have and be grateful that DH's friends are also mutual.

It is exhausting though - I am an introvert and after the third answerphone when contacting people enough is enough. I wonder if I have a magic phone number that mysteriously cripples other people's phones?

BobbinThreadbare123 · 12/01/2021 16:04

Same. I tried - I'm not good at messaging so I really did try, but after some barely replied to emails last summer I gave up. Obviously I'm not in the circle any more but nobody bothered to let me know. We're all muddling along so there's no excuse.

Lottapianos · 12/01/2021 16:05

It's really draining when you feel like you're the one who's always doing the heavy lifting in a friendship. Not surprised you're feeling sad about it. Even 'resilient' people need to be thought of and checked on now and then

trunumber · 12/01/2021 16:07

With kindness, I think you're a tiny bit unreasonable - I have friends who I trust to contact me if they need me. If you are one of those friends it's not that I don't care or I don't think about you - it's that I assume you're ok, or that I'm swamped and drowning or that I'm really not doing too well and I'm trying not to drown you with my stuff. It's not that people don't care, if you need them, and you both know that you'll tell them if you need them - then tell them you need them.

Original poster

BlingLoving · 12/01/2021 16:09

I haven't seen other threads but it makes sense I'm not the only one.

I mean, I have a decent amount of chat on my phone and human contact but it's all generic - school WhatsApp, practical stuff etc. I don't really feel I have room to complain. Im' not totally isolated etc etc. Just feeling a bit down about it all today for some reason. If I felt like I needed to talk or work through something, I could reach out. But it's not that. It's that I feel like no one ever thinks of me and you can't exactly send a WhatsApp saying, "I'm tired of always being the one to see how you are. You could ask me sometime?"

Also, SIL has form for making passive aggressive comments about how we don't see or speak enough, kids aren't close enough etc with strong whiff of suggesting it's our (my) fault. But I spent some time going through my phone earlier - with one exception when she contacted me because she was upset about something, every single interaction we've had since November has been initiated by me.

OP posts:

classiestgal · 12/01/2021 16:11

Same!!! It’s so frustrating and disheartening

Shamefulcorners · 12/01/2021 16:11

I hear you op but I think if people are having a really shit time themselves that (a) they don't have the mental energy to reach out, because they are just putting one foot in front of the other and (b) they are worried that they will impose their own depression and gloom on to you , so "spare" you that by keeping quiet/distant. So although it comes across as selfish it isn't really.

blissfulllife · 12/01/2021 16:18

Same here. The pandemic really opened my eyes to who really cares about us. I get they have their own problems but it's always me messaging, calling etc never them. Don't know how I didn't see it before tbh. These are friends I've bent over backwards to help when life's had its downs. Helped one through her divorce, another through serious illness. I've cared for their kids. I've helped them emotionally and financially. I feel I've been a good friend.

Middle of last year one of my children tried to end their life. I reached out to my friends for support. They were initially concerned but then never checked in, no "how are things "etc. Just ghosted. It hurt.

New lock down hit and my closest (well who I thought was close) rang out the blue to ask for help with child care!!!! Couldn't believe the cheek.

It's been an eye opener for sure x

GetTheDebtGoneIn2021 · 12/01/2021 16:26

Please consider sending this (and report back for our entertainment )

Dear SiL, you have form for making passive aggressive comments about how we don't see or speak enough, kids aren't close enough etc with a strong whiff of suggesting it's our (my) fault. But I spent some time going through my phone earlier - with one exception when you contacted me because you were upset about something, every single interaction we've had since November has been initiated by me.

classiestgal · 12/01/2021 16:32

@blissfulllife don’t help those people out again

Malbecca · 12/01/2021 16:37

Oh, this is me too, OP. I've seen enough similar threads to think it's just how it is for some people through no fault of our own! Even before lockdown 9 times out of 10 I'm the first to message my friends, with the exception of one person it's very rare that they contact me to see how I'm doing.

It's exhausting doing all the work in a friendship and sometimes I think of just sacking them all off! But that wouldn't really benefit me in the long run.

It has been much harder this year though, I think most relationships need face-to-face interaction to keep them going. Be kind to yourself

Original poster

BlingLoving · 12/01/2021 16:37

@blissfulllife That sounds awful. I'm so sorry you've gone through that without support.

But I think my issues are much more petty! I actually feel like if things were really bad, even now, I could reach out. It's more just the day to day stuff and the feeling like I'm not being considered or thought about. That I'm only able to either be the strong/happy one or I have to have real problems and can then reach out for a helping hand/friendly ear.

OP posts:

Eckhart · 12/01/2021 16:56

You've said it yourself. You're generally fine, and your friends know you'll talk to them if you're not.

The question is, will you? Now that you're feeling a bit low, will you actually contact all your friends, and say you wanted to touch base because you feel lonely and sad recently? Because if you do that, they might give you a call next week to see if you've perked up a bit. But they can't respond to your 'I'm feeling a bit rubbish' signals until you actually make some @BlingLoving

What signs have you shown them that you're feeling anything different from your usual, happy, confident self?

Eckhart · 12/01/2021 16:57

I did NOT put that 'Blingloving' tag in there! It was meant to say 'I'm feeling a bit rubbish' signals!

blissfulllife · 12/01/2021 17:20

@classiestgal I've cut ties x

Original poster

BlingLoving · 12/01/2021 21:18

@Eckhart

You've said it yourself. You're generally fine, and your friends know you'll talk to them if you're not.

What signs have you shown them that you're feeling anything different from your usual, happy, confident self?

All true. Except feeling this way has made me realise how often it's ME being the one who has to be proactive and I guess that's part of what I feel a bit sad about. But in bigger scheme of things it absolutely is a small thing and I do have friends so don't feel I have a lot of room for whining. Hence complaining to anonymous people on the internet!

OP posts:

Eckhart · 12/01/2021 21:22

But in bigger scheme of things it absolutely is a small thing

I think if you gave your feelings a bit more of the spotlight, your friends might volunteer themselves to you a bit more often.

I've been like you for a while - perfectly self sufficient, just wondering a bit why they didn't phone me sometimes. Then I had a bereavement, and everybody has been so supportive. It's because I finally felt I had cause to actually say I wasn't ok.

Original poster

BlingLoving · 12/01/2021 21:36

I've done the bereavement thing and my friends were amazing. So I know what you mean.

I just would like to know that people sometimes think, "Hey, I wonder if Bling is okay." or even just, "Gosh, things have been hectic, haven't spoken to Bling for a while, I should give her a call"

But then, I don't even get calls from my Dad! He's always happy to chat but knows I'm busy and doesn't want to disturb me. So, perhaps it's the vibe I put out in normal times! :)

OP posts:

PipTeak · 12/01/2021 21:48

What is a friend?’, Conradi asked John Bayley, husband of writer Iris Murdoch. ‘Someone you don’t have to bother about at all,’ he replied.

Eckhart · 12/01/2021 22:11

@PipTeak

What is a friend?’, Conradi asked John Bayley, husband of writer Iris Murdoch. ‘Someone you don’t have to bother about at all,’ he replied.

Oh that's brilliant.

Original poster

BlingLoving · 13/01/2021 08:08

@PipTeak

What is a friend?’, Conradi asked John Bayley, husband of writer Iris Murdoch. ‘Someone you don’t have to bother about at all,’ he replied.

Argh. Nope, don't agree. It is true that there are some people who are friends in this category. Ones who live far away perhaps or who you aren't that close to. But friends who are usually in your life on a day to day basis should be more. It's lazy to see friendship as a convenience.

OP posts:

Eckhart · 13/01/2021 09:00

It's lazy to see friendship as a convenience

That's a misinterpretation of the quote, though. Not bothering about somebody doesn't mean 'Can't be arsed to make an effort', it means 'not becoming bothered/upset/stressed by the relationship'.

Original poster

BlingLoving · 13/01/2021 09:47

If that's what it means, fair enough. But that's not how I read it!

OP posts:

Shamefulcorners · 13/01/2021 10:59

I'm not directing this post specially at you op, but in general, isn't real friendship when you are so close to someone, and happy in their company, that even if you don't see one another for a while, you are able to each assume that you are thinking well of one another, and you know there is a good reason for the "silence". Then when you do meet up again, it's as though the absence never happened and you are immediately back on the same wave length again and at ease with each other? I am lucky enough to have some friendships with three or four cousins like this, but perhaps the family connection makes it easier?

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