I know it's hard but why am I always the person reaching out?

[BlingLoving]

Sorry for twee phrase of "reaching out".

It's Coronavirus. I know it's hard for most of us in one way or another. I get it. But I'm feeling a little down today that it is always me who makes the first to contact people. One of my best friends is suffering, I know, from her own MH so I get it. I get why she not only doesn't contact me but doesn't respond to my calls. I suspect that when she comes out of this latest funk she'll apologise for being so out of it. But I'm still tired of it. Another good friend is brilliant and I'm fully aware that she has a lot going on - homeschooling, very ill father, vulnerable mother etc. But again, I just wish she'd occasionally think of me. No one ever seems to feel they need to check in with me. And I'm fully aware that's largely because I'm usually seen as the strong and capable one. And also, my friends are fully aware that if I need them I'll call them - I'm not one of those people who expects people to magically know I'm struggling. So I do know AIBU but....

... I can't help feeling a little down. Things are really hard and I'm a bit tired of being the one everything thinks can just get on with things and will be resilient and tough.

@Shamefulcorners to be honest, to a large extent actually, I agree with this. Covid and Lockdown skew this though I think because, for example, I regularly met one friend for coffee in town when we were both doing chores or we'd take our dogs somewhere with a dog friendly cafe so that we could have a walk then get lunch after or similar. And with those sorts of activities cancelled, i miss that interaction.

But of course, you're right in that as I keep trying to explain to DH, I know it's not personal. I do think these friends probably are thinking of me. It's just a weird time for all of us.

There's also one person in particular I'm finding hard and I'm trying to take all these arguments on board and really internalise them because I know that she has significant MH issues. But I'm finding myself inclined to being a bit snippy and I really really don't want that. But I guess it's the head vs the heart. I'm trying to get my head back in prime position!

Me too OP, but over the years I have built up some coping strategies. The first is ‘3 strikes and your out’. So I’ll contact someone 3 times (over say 6 months) and if I don’t hear back I drop them. I started that when I left uni, and 20 years later I’ve probanly tightened It to 1 message, and then I don’t follow up! I also don’t chase people who say they want to meet up. I’ll send one set of dates- usually the same day as the ‘let’s meet for coffee’ chat has been had- and if I don’t get a response I move on. Ive got some friends that I’ll only intermittently hear from, but I know if we met up we’d carry on where we left off, and I’ve got other friends who i increasingly have limited time for. 2 in particular, who I know couldn’t manage to get out of bed if they had my life....neither have children and both work part time- both are always exhausted and frankly are a bit of a drain. I know they both have MH problems, but as a pp said ‘we all muddle through’, just because I don’t have MH problems doesn’t mean I have infinite time or energy. Don’t chase after other people at th expense of your own MH.

Polam

My mum says people don't like being asked how they are, so maybe that's why they don't ask others

This is me. It’s so hard pretending everything is ok to the outside world, ‘how are you?’ fills me with dread.

Blingloving you are abso!utely allowed to feel how you feel about it ATM in a global pandemic. Everyone is getting through it in the best way they can. And if you feel let down by a particular friend or friends, then you are totally entitled to feel that. Please keep in your mind that they probably are indeed thinking "oh gosh I wonder how Bling is, I must call her" although they are finding that hard for some reason to translate that in to action. And fwiw I totally get what you are saying about feeling you are only allowed to be upset about major things, but in this situation of course, it's often a build up of relative small things that make you feel down.

I hope your friends get in contact soon. This thread has given me a kick up the bum to ring a few of mine! My family and I have all been ill with "ordinary" flu and of course we thought we had C-19 but tested negative. But none of my friends know this and probably think I have been ignoring them for a fortnight or so ... .

I think the Bayley quote was just thrown in as another way of looking at some friendships. I have a couple of friends I don’t “bother” with that much, but I do care about them.

There are different kinds of friendships, and in my experience friendly acquaintances can be important too :-).

Deep down though, I don’t think anyone really “cares” about me, which might seem a strange thing to say. I’m not sure I mind that much either, which may also seem unusual. A lot of friendships and family relationships I find tiresome for one reason or another. An afternoon in bed with a good book. A short walk in the fresh air. Some new make up applied. Can all raise my spirits.

Sending you best wishes OP.

@excuseforfights

Polam

My mum says people don't like being asked how they are, so maybe that's why they don't ask others

This is me. It’s so hard pretending everything is ok to the outside world, ‘how are you?’ fills me with dread.

When I ask someone how they are though, I'm genuinely interested and there for them if they need it. I'm not expecting an 'all is amazing', otherwise it's disingenuous to ask. Likewise when people ask how I am, I tell them, even if it's not great. But I accept that not everyone is like me Just another perspective.

Yes, it's the price you pay for being the strong capable one unfortunately.

I wouldnt mind the fact that people are struggling, have depression, cant face chatting etc. if it wasnt for the fact that I can see their posts/activity etc. on Facebook/Twitter/Pinterest/Insta etc..

Op so much of what you have said really resonates with me, this is exactly how I’ve been feeling for a long time, since before Covid. I am so sick of being the one who always checks in on people and makes the first move to talk, make plans to meet (when we could) etc.

I understand that people have got things going on in their lives (we all have!) but friendship should be a 2 way thing and I’m fed up of people not making the effort. I don’t expect a lot and know we are all busy but don’t think it’s asking too much to expect friends to speak every so often, to check in on eachother etc and take it in turns to initiate making plans.

Covid has just shone a light on this even more for me and there are a few people I purposely haven’t messaged in a while as they have made no effort to stay in touch. I’m done chasing people, if they don’t care enough to make the effort then I’m done.

I feel the same, OP. Actually one of my goals for 2021 is to stop watering dead plants.

Sorry to say that much of this resonates with me- but also slightly relived it isn't just me this happens to. I sometimes think "fuck it, I'm not messaging or suggesting meeting with them anymore" but then the reality would be I would have zero social life, so I go and do it anyway. I need to find more self respect! And better friends...

I haven’t been in touch with people much lately. It’s not because I don’t care about them or don’t think of them. It’s because I struggle with zoom and phone calls. I’m fed up messaging. I’d like to just see them in person and look forward to when this is all over. I do make the effort and do zooms sometimes. But I definitely haven’t been a great friend throughout this time. I’m pregnant, trying to home school, my dh is working long hours in a key worker role and I miss him. I feel low and tired and just want to withdraw from everyone. It can be very hard to scrape together enough energy to reach out to anyone. When I’m going through a hard time my instinct is to withdraw from people. Maybe a lot of people are like that. I also find “how are you” difficult. I don’t feel like reporting on how I am. However all of this can just be selfishness at the end of the day and not necessarily behaviour that leads to good mental health. I agree with you that it doesn’t feel good if you feel like you’re always the one making the effort.