Never able to fight back

[WakingUp55643]

Quick background - dh knows I've been unhappy for the past couple of years, no sex or any kind of intimacy for 10 years, I've told him this is not good enough for me but he says if I am prepared to break up the family over this then I am very selfish, so we just rumble along. We disagree on a lot of things (politics) but I try to bite my tongue and just get on with it. He will spend all evening watching the news, politics shows, etc etc, and I just keep out of the way and do something with the kids, housework, or just anything to be out of the way.
But when he does this, if I ever show my annoyance, the kids only see my reaction and not the cause! It's as if they just expect dad to sit and watch whatever he wants, and I have to smile and play the happy mam. For example, last night he sat down and put youtube on the telly (no asking me or the kids if they were watching anything) and shouted through to me, "Come and see this! Have you seen this speech by Michael Gove? It's brilliant."

Wtaf????!!

So when I snapped and said, very calmy, "No, I really do not want to watch Michael Gove," and I went upstairs and slammed the bedroom door, the kids came scrambling up to see why I was so annoyed. It's not just this one incident, obviously that would be an overreaction. It's a build up of years and years of politics (all the opposite view from mine, which makes it worse) rammed down my throat from Nigel Farage on the radio, to Andrew Neil on Spectator TV. But it looks like I'm the unreasonable angry one. Then later on, knowing how annoyed I was, he proceeded to put an hour long talk by Jordan Peterson on tv.
FFS! If he's trying to win me over and make things right, I'm not sure he's thought this through. If we're at such a stalemate, is it unreasonable for me to just find some release somewhere???? Because I am so frustrated in so many ways. I want to be carried up to bed and have someone adore me, not watch Michael fucking Gove! I'm 44 next week, I can't continue wasting my life. But if I do break up the family, my boys will see it as my choice, and then I am the ultimate bad guy in all of it. I feel stuck.

God this sounds dreadful for you!

Aim that anger where it will do something useful.

If this is not the life you want then stop, before another 10 years has passed.

You can. Your kids will probably feel the benefit too!

LTB just for liking/admiring Michael Gove!

Seriously, though, his politics aside, he sounds like an impotent bully. This is the model of manhood your precious DC will be learning.

So, would it not be unreasonable to just say one day, "this is not how I want to spend the rest of my life" I don't think so, but he always manages to throw me if we get into an argument and I back down and just get on as usual. I do see that I'm letting him off scott free and that I need to toughen up.

So what if he says you are selfish.

Who cares.

10 years you have wasted.

Get organised, get out.

Just to add, despite the fact he must see that I'm furious, he'll still expect us to be booking a happy family weekend in a caravan at some point when it's doable, and he goes round the house singing as if everything's fantastic. (When he's not stressed with his work.) Oh, and I found what he's bought me for my birthday - maybe this sounds awful and ungrateful but anyway - a George Forman grill and a blender (wtf?)..... so I'll have to do my happy face

You need to speak to a solicitor to find out what you can expect to get in a divorce, this might give you the confidence to make a decision.
Do you really still want to be living this life in 5 years time ?

But if I do break up the family, my boys will see it as my choice, and then I am the ultimate bad guy in all of it. I feel stuck.

What you are subjecting your boys to now is far, far worse than if you divorce their father. The dysfunction they are living in now is going to shape their entire futures. Your children will have no clue as to what a healthy relationship should be, and they will find themselves where you are. This is madness, op. Every day you stay with him is just wasted. There is no reason you have to live this way.

I've got a free consultation thing with Mediate next week @FippertyGibbett I've tried contacting solicitors this past couple of weeks but for some reason am getting no replies.

Just another thing (sorry to keep banging on) I've recently started doing a lot of fitness workouts and running, and I think dh is wondering why. Well, partly to get out of the house, but also I want to make the most of my body while I can, and actually use it. In every way, if you see what I mean. And if I can't do anything like that with him (not that I'd want to now) surely he should understand that I have needs that I'll have to find elsewhere, and therefore we can't stay as we are.

You have been conditioned clearly into believing you do not count and worse you are conditioning your children into believing the same

You need to make it clear that it is your choice but it is your choice to be happy to have a voice and to be your own person because that is a healthy partnership

Me again! I just want it not to sound like I'm willing to break up my family because I need a shag. How do I put this??!

Have you considered/can you afford marriage counselling? Because, at the very worst, of you at least tried that first then it wouldn't be so much all down to you if you did split up. Plus, it might actually help! Don't go into it assuming you know it won't work.

What would happen if you just went in and turned the TV over to something you or the children want to watch? Why does he get to dictate all the time?

That you are no longer a partnership - that you dont seem to do things as a couple and that his views are clearly prioritised over yours. That you seem to have ceased to be allowed to be a person and that is what you want to be someone with views, who is asked opinions and jointly made decisions and to be a partner.

Me again! I just want it not to sound like I'm willing to break up my family because I need a shag. How do I put this??!

"I'm not happy, and I'm filing for divorce."

That's all you need to say. It's not a debate, you don't have to justify how you feel, and he doesn't have to agree. Just tell him it's over.

You do know you don't need to wait to him to agree to divorce? Just do it - it sounds miserable.

@Aquamarine1029

But if I do break up the family, my boys will see it as my choice, and then I am the ultimate bad guy in all of it. I feel stuck.

What you are subjecting your boys to now is far, far worse than if you divorce their father. The dysfunction they are living in now is going to shape their entire futures. Your children will have no clue as to what a healthy relationship should be, and they will find themselves where you are. This is madness, op. Every day you stay with him is just wasted. There is no reason you have to live this way.

All of this.

@WakingUp55643

Me again! I just want it not to sound like I'm willing to break up my family because I need a shag. How do I put this??!

Your marriage has no affection and no companionship. What's left? Nothing is what. You don't have a marriage so might as well put it out of its misery.

How old are the children ? You need to explain it in a way they'll understand. Don't stay with him if it makes you unhappy.

@WakingUp55643

Me again! I just want it not to sound like I'm willing to break up my family because I need a shag. How do I put this??!

It's not just that though is it? You feel disrespected, unheard and unwanted. Why on earth do you need more reason than that to divorce this man? He sounds like a bully. Stop showing your boys that it's acceptable for a man to control the mood of the household and dictate all the decisions, by voting with your feet and ending the relationship.

This sounds harsh but people divorce all the time for far less reasons than you have to do so. You're miserable. Life is short. You've given up a decade of it to someone who doesn't fulfil your physical or emotional needs.

Please be brave and end it.

Seriously. At least try marriage counselling. Then you can explain to your children that you tried all avenues. Especially if you don't want to look like the bad guy (however unfair that may be).

"Dad and me aren't going to be married any more because being a couple isn't making us happy and it's really important that both grown ups in a marriage are happy. But being your mum and dad does make us both happy so we will still be a team when it comes to you two and both see you loads, we just won't live in the same house any more. I know it's sad but we've tried hard and talked lots and decided this is best for all of us."

He’s managed to manipulate himself into being the victim pretty well hasn’t he! Making you out to be the bad one when you’re very much not. Firstly I don’t think there’s anything selfish in leaving a relationship if there’s no intimacy or sex and secondly he’s trying to make you angry with his behaviour around politics. DH and i have quite different political views and neither of us would expect the other one to watch stuff on tv about politics or shove it in each other’s faces otherwise that would annoy me.

Thank you so much everyone. Everything you're saying makes absolute sense, and it's nothing I don't already know. My counsellor has said many times that I don't need permission to feel this way or to actually move on if I want to xx