Never able to fight back

[WakingUp55643]

Quick background - dh knows I've been unhappy for the past couple of years, no sex or any kind of intimacy for 10 years, I've told him this is not good enough for me but he says if I am prepared to break up the family over this then I am very selfish, so we just rumble along. We disagree on a lot of things (politics) but I try to bite my tongue and just get on with it. He will spend all evening watching the news, politics shows, etc etc, and I just keep out of the way and do something with the kids, housework, or just anything to be out of the way.
But when he does this, if I ever show my annoyance, the kids only see my reaction and not the cause! It's as if they just expect dad to sit and watch whatever he wants, and I have to smile and play the happy mam. For example, last night he sat down and put youtube on the telly (no asking me or the kids if they were watching anything) and shouted through to me, "Come and see this! Have you seen this speech by Michael Gove? It's brilliant."

Wtaf????!!

So when I snapped and said, very calmy, "No, I really do not want to watch Michael Gove," and I went upstairs and slammed the bedroom door, the kids came scrambling up to see why I was so annoyed. It's not just this one incident, obviously that would be an overreaction. It's a build up of years and years of politics (all the opposite view from mine, which makes it worse) rammed down my throat from Nigel Farage on the radio, to Andrew Neil on Spectator TV. But it looks like I'm the unreasonable angry one. Then later on, knowing how annoyed I was, he proceeded to put an hour long talk by Jordan Peterson on tv.
FFS! If he's trying to win me over and make things right, I'm not sure he's thought this through. If we're at such a stalemate, is it unreasonable for me to just find some release somewhere???? Because I am so frustrated in so many ways. I want to be carried up to bed and have someone adore me, not watch Michael fucking Gove! I'm 44 next week, I can't continue wasting my life. But if I do break up the family, my boys will see it as my choice, and then I am the ultimate bad guy in all of it. I feel stuck.

Suggest marriage counselling and if he says no or it doesn't work then walk away.

You being unhappy with/in the relationship is enough of a reason to leave.

And don't put on any BS happy faces. Let him know how much he's f'ing up. As for the caravan holiday; send him with the kids for a daddy's week/end away and take some time to enjoy yourself

Just leave, before its another 10 years and you're too worn down to do anything and that's your life done.

Your children are over 10 from what you have said, just tell your DH..that your going for a divorce and yes breaking up the family.
Just keep agreeing with him when he blames you.
He can't argue if you agree.

He says you’re being selfish wanting to leave and be happy. He’s being selfish, essentially guilt tripping you into staying. Why does his happiness and wants trump yours?

No sex for 10 years - that’s a reason to go right there.
Don’t waste your life because of you kids. Show them what a person does in an unsatisfying marriage.
And go get shagging !!! 😉

You will both continue to love your children, you just don't feel it's best to continue to love together anymore.

End of.

You do not need his permission.

Start organising yourself.

I'd love to, @FippertyGibbett I really just crave some affection from another human adult, surely that's not too expect in life. But in the mean time I've ordered something to entertain myself, on the recommendation of another very helpful MNer on another board (with the Boots gift card dh gave me for Christmas.....am I terrible??)

Enjoy and remember, if you don’t use it you lose it 😉🐰

Just file for divorce. It doesn't matter what his political leanings are or what anyone on here thinks of them. He's entitled to enjoy the things he enjoys and you're entitled to enjoy the things you enjoy. If your values no longer align to a point where you are this unhappy then you need to leave.

My dad did nothing for 10 years except watch tv. He was depressed but didnt seek any kind of help. My parents never really engaged with me so I learned to entertain myself. I have no idea how to enjoy my family as a result. This is what you are setting your own kids up for.

Enjoy your 🐰!

@WakingUp55643

So, would it not be unreasonable to just say one day, "this is not how I want to spend the rest of my life" I don't think so, but he always manages to throw me if we get into an argument and I back down and just get on as usual. I do see that I'm letting him off scott free and that I need to toughen up.

This is totally reasonable. You only get one life - do you want to spend it like this?

I am not trying to be funny when I saily I would leave him just for supporting farage.

He sounds absolutely awful op. Please leave him. For your kids' sake as well as yours.

No sex for 10 years
He's a bully
He does bugger all round the house
He's no fun whatsoever

This on their own are good reasons so leave.

No reason is still a reason to leave, if you're unhappy then that's a good enough reason to leave

By the way he sound insufferable

Right fuck everything else and lets be suppppper honest.

You've started getting into fitness and therefore, you're feeling better about your body and your self esteem, the frisky pants have come out of storage and you want sex and he doesnt and you probably dont want it off him anymore anyway because the politics urghh (which I get completely!!) so you want to leave your marriage for the reason as old as time and you're a woman so you're all clear to do that on Mumsnet and I say that with no animosity WHATSOEVER. You are full endorsed to do leave your marriage - and you should. Don't guilt trip yourself for having the needs of an adult woman in her prime. Your children will do better with two parents living their best life separately I promise you.

I left my first DH for the exact same reason and of course I immediately went and shagged someone completely inappropriate and got it out of my system but I've been happily married to my now DH for 3 years and together 6. He is HEAVILY into politics (sigh) but I also fancy the arse off him and our sex life is great and that can make up for most things to be honest. If you intimate relationship is good, you can cope with most other little niggles.

Leave and Be free. You are 100% affair ripe and ready and you know it, that's why you've started justifying what a dick he is and somehow thats got something to do with your body getting better. So dont be a knob, dont have an affair - leave with dignity, now.

Well this sounds totally grim.

Has he not got a pc and headphones?
I would leave purely because of the lack of affection and intimacy.
Tell him, you can't compete with the politics, you are fed up with trying. You have given up and going forward will only work with him on co-parenting.

Can I just mention, that at 44 you are in your lusty red blooded prime.
You only have one life! Don't quietly wither away into bitterness, resentment and if-only-I'd...
See a solicitor. Get the information you need. Pootle about on housing web sites. Look up CMS entitlement. Look around the school catchment area. Empower yourself.
Do not live this half life.

Dc know that mummy is upset and cross. Give them a life where they can't remember that version of you.
Best of luck OP. Really hoping 2021 is amazing for you. x

Thank you @Gilda152 I am jumping up and down and punching the air at your response!!!
You could not be more right. Have you got a hidden camera on me or something?! Yes, my body is the best it's ever been right now, and quite honestly I feel horny af when I've finished a run or a workout, I could totally give it to someone. Anyone but dh! In fact, anyone who crosses my path once I'm free is gunna get the time of their life!!!
Everyone, please hold me up and let me do this for real and not just go over it in my head forever. Please! x

Just do it! You're allowed to want to shag like a bunny! You're allowed to watch what you want on telly! You're allowed fun!

(Mine used to watch hour upon hour of Guy Fucking Fieri and How It's Made - the phrase 'the [fill in name of product] is put into a hopper' still makes me twitch).

We had bigger issues, but the bottom line is I am so happy single.

a George Forman grill and a blender (wtf?)..... so I'll have to do my happy face confused

They are house necessities, not presents. Wtf?!

I’m sorry, OP, you sound thoroughly bored, no bloody wonder if he’s insisting on watching hours of politics, I’d die of boredom. Can’t you ask him to watch that on a separate device with headphones? In a different house?! He sees your annoy, yet carries on. He doesn’t care for you or your opinions.

To be fair, my DH is also one for practical presents. I think he's slightly on the spectrum by his own admission. So when I mentioned I needed a new pillow back in September lo and behold! He remembered and bought me 2 for christmas. Two pillows.

Other stuff as well but still. A grill and blender would not be outside his remit for presents either.

But as stated before. I fancy him like mad, he's sexy. He does also buy me flowers every week and percy pigs quite often too so I pick my battles.

You can do this! Find another property to rent. Can you afford that? Do it. Make 2021 your year. 44 is young! Find yourself a hunk that wants you

@cherrysoup lol at watching it in a different house! I've said this (silently) many times.
@gilda152 now if I'd asked for pillows and got pillows, I'd be quite pleased! But I've no idea where the grill or the blender comes from???? More shit to clutter up the kitchen benches!

I want to stay in my house @classiestgal which is one of the stumbling blocks. I want to keep things stable for the dc as much as I can. But I definitely want the hunk bit! X

Good, enough is enough. Sounds like a horribly toxic relationship for your poor kids to live in. They are not choosing this, you are.

Life is short. Unhappy for ten years?? End your marriage.

Don't do your 'happy face'.

When he gives you the present open it in silence and then say have you got the receipt?.

You don't have to be grateful or happy for kitchen appliances you don't want.

If he accuses you of being ungrateful tell him because it's a shit present. No woman would be grateful for it. But I can get you a tyre pressure kit for your birthday if you like.

@NovemberR

Don't do your 'happy face'.

When he gives you the present open it in silence and then say have you got the receipt?.

You don't have to be grateful or happy for kitchen appliances you don't want.

If he accuses you of being ungrateful tell him because it's a shit present. No woman would be grateful for it. But I can get you a tyre pressure kit for your birthday if you like.

This.

Jesus.
Awful.

Unless you lived in an empty house with an empty kitchen with zero money, and he knew you loved smoothies and toasties....

Dreadful presents.