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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

fallen in love with someone i can't have

46 replies

breakingheart · 27/10/2007 14:25

I'm howling and crying here because I have fallen in love with someone I can't have. He is my best friend, but he is in a relationship. I have told him this morning that I can't have any contact with him for the forseeable future because it is just hurting me too much.

I have no-one to turn to in RL about this because I can't trust any of my other friends to keep it a secret.

Please someone help me get over this guy. I didn't want to fall in love with him, and i've pushed my feelings away so long about this, but today it has all overwhelmed me. I feel like i'm dying right now......

OP posts:
Tinkerbel5 · 27/10/2007 14:32

what was his response ? if he dont feel the same way then you do need to get over him and you will need friends to help you, its brobably for the best not to see him for a while until those feeling go

Original poster
breakingheart · 27/10/2007 15:10

He cares about me very much. It's hurting him too, but there will never be anything between us i know that.
I know it's best not to see him, that's what I told him. But i'm aware of the fact that i'm faced with losing the best friend I ever had......and so it's a double edged sword.
Up till now i've been able to bury my feelings but he needed my help with a relationship problem and I told him I couldn't help, because it's so hard to see them together, and it felt wrong to be offering advice when I feel the way I do.
I love him so much I want him to go away and be happy with his other half. It feels wierd, but that is how I feel.
He said we'll have some time apart and when I'm ready then to get in touch with him.
I've not felt this kind of raw emotional pain for such a long time and I hate it.

OP posts:
Dior · 27/10/2007 15:14

Message withdrawn

Hekate · 27/10/2007 15:16

You have done the right thing. He has the choice to end his current relationship and thus be free to be with you. If he does not feel that is what he wants to do, he is not the right person for you, or you for him.

I know it hurts, but truly, it is for the best.

xx

MeMySonAndI · 27/10/2007 15:19

Erm... It will pass, if you don't devote a lot of time to mourn him. The problem is that if you continue thinking in the "It can't be/It is not possible" the thing will become a drama of epic proportions for you. If in the other hand you concentrate on the things you didn't quite like of him you may be able to see him again as a friend in the future.

Dior · 27/10/2007 15:21

Message withdrawn

CantSleepWontSleep · 27/10/2007 15:22

I presume we are right to assume here that you are unattached?

MeMySonAndI · 27/10/2007 15:22

BTW I also ell in love with one of my best friends, well he is still so amused at me falling for him that no matter that I set him up with his now wife. He still acts as if I cared and his wife is jealous of me

Obviously, I keep the distances to ease the wife's insecurities but at the same time I laugh at thinking they are together because I intervened and none of them now that!

Original poster
breakingheart · 27/10/2007 15:30

There are problems in his relationship, and I think i am confusing the issue by being such a close friend which is why I have stopped all contact. I told him to go and sort out his life with his fiance.
I am resigned to the fact that i cannot have him, I'm not going to sit around hoping he'll leave her for me.
It has totally shocked me, my depth of feeling for him. I've tried to look at his faults and I love all of them too.
I've kept myself busy today, trying to keep my mind off him. I'm sure tomorrow i will wake up and feel much better about this situation. It's just hard not having anyone here to discuss this with, and i really can't because if his OH finds out how i feel it will really cause problems (us being friends has started to be an issue lately so we had already stepped our friendship down a level).

OP posts:
Original poster
breakingheart · 27/10/2007 15:31

yes i am unattached.

OP posts:
kimibobbingforapples · 27/10/2007 15:36

Oh breakingheart I feel for you so so much.

The only advice I can give you is that I think you are doing the right thing as you are opening up a world of pain, you are very brave to step back, I wish I was as brave as you.

I do understand how you feel.

Original poster
breakingheart · 27/10/2007 15:41

I was shaking when i told him we had stop contacting each other. I knew it was the right decision, but am sad that I've had to cut him out of my life like this.
He has just sent me a message asking if i could cope with meeting them both for coffee in the next few weeks, as his fiance will wonder why we've suddenly stopped contact..........

OP posts:
CantSleepWontSleep · 27/10/2007 15:42

Oh breakingheart. If he has big problems in his relationship then is it right that they should get married? Are there kids involved? Are you certain that he doesn't want to be with you?

You are a very brave woman for letting him go to be with her (or make his mind up for sure which of you he wants to be with). Hope you can find happiness with or without him soon.

Tinkerbel5 · 27/10/2007 15:45

breakingheart you will soon be mendedheart, is he really a best friend cause he has always been there for you or is he a best friend cause you would rather have that than nothing at all ? would you still feel the same if he was single?

Original poster
breakingheart · 27/10/2007 15:49

There aren't kids involved. I can't be sure he feels the same way about me, and I told him he needs to be sure about his relationship with her. He's admitted they have issues they need to sort out and I think our discussion this morning has prompted him to tackle them.
I'm going to find happiness without him. If he's meant to be mine then he will come to me when the time is right. If not then i can't spend my life on a 'what if?'

I love mumsnet it makes me stronger

OP posts:
Original poster
breakingheart · 27/10/2007 15:53

He is a best friend because he has always been there for me, we have known each other since we were 17 and are now in our early 30's. We lost touch for a few years, when he was away training (spoke a couple of times a year rather than most weeks), and it is only recently that I have come to realise just how much I love him.

OP posts:
kimibobbingforapples · 27/10/2007 16:12

did something happen lately to bring these feelings to boiling point

Original poster
breakingheart · 27/10/2007 16:20

He doesn't live where I live, his fiance has just moved back here so rather than phonecalls/e-mail we've actually being seeing each other more when he's been over visitng her. I think seeing him just made me realise that I loved him rather than just caring for him very much as a best friend. I do get on with his fiance, and have found it difficult suddenly being in the middle of their problems, which i have to say aren't major troubles, but the sort of thing that eats away at a marriage. Because of the way I feel for him I don't feel i can give him the support he needs in his relationship because I didn't want to placed in a position where i could be accused of giving advice to suit me if that makes sense.
It's very hard not being able to help your best friend when they need you

OP posts:
Tinkerbel5 · 27/10/2007 16:45

you have needs aswell and they should come first, I dont think he should put you in that position of lending an ear when he needs to talk about his relationship, if you have told him how you feel and he hasnt reciprocated then definately take a step back, he should be talking to his fiance about their troubles anyway and it could be a little problem in their relationship if he keeps turning to you, I dont think its fair on either of you 2 women, go out and make new friends that dont involve him

Judy1234 · 27/10/2007 17:08

I don't think you could or should have to cope with seeing them both. He will just have to make excuses for you which would be simply that you're too busy.

I suspect he was shocked by the strength of your feelings. If he's engaged and getting married presumably that's the relationship he wants to be in.

warthog · 27/10/2007 17:21

you are such a strong person and you are doing the right thing.

thing is, if he doesn't feel you are right for him, he isn't right for you. and while you're in contact you stop yourself moving on and finding someone who is right for you.

chat to us about how wonderful he is to get beyond it. time WILL heal.

GarrottedbyElasticband · 27/10/2007 17:47

don;t see him.
it will make it so much easier

bourboncream · 27/10/2007 17:47

well i have to say i have the utmost respect for you that despite your feelings towards this man you have the decency to step aside because there is another woman involved....i dont think many people would do that and its just great that there are still women out there like you.like you say, if its meant to be it will be.At least he knows how you feel about him so if the time is right he will come to you.

Original poster
breakingheart · 27/10/2007 18:06

I just really don't want to lose our friendship over this, and I am hoping that with some time away from him I can come to terms with how I feel and move on.
I'm just feeling very lonely now, because the only other friend I ever had that i was so close to committed suicide a few years ago. I feel like i'm not destined to have happy, solid friendships .
It has been so hard to walk away and not try to make him my own, but I wouldn't want that to be done to me, I have seen the devastation it can cause when it has happened to others.
I'm ok for ages then a wave of grief hits me and I descend into tears again. Last time I felt like this I was a teenager, I never thought I would be going through it again in my early 30's
I need a friend here to hold me while I cry but there isn't anyone who wouldn't blow this whole thing wide open and I really don't want that.

OP posts:
kimibobbingforapples · 27/10/2007 19:02

Oh sweetheart how I feel for you.
I can tell you that however this plays out you will never have the friendship that you have had, I know this is not what you want to hear but believe me its true, I know, because unlike you I was not strong enough to walk away.