Never will live together - can this relationship last?

[Teatimes2]

So I'm with my partner 5 years, him late 50s and me late 40s, no children, never married. We each own our properties, never lived together. Two years into our relationship he decided to move away to another village, 45 minute drive away. I lived here for a few years in my 20s but would have no desire to live here again, and he knows that. We're both independent, we've never had a discussion about living together but in reality I know it will never happen because I've no intention of moving somewhere that he picked 2 years into our relationship, further from my job etc, and I also know he'd never move back here now as he is still buying things for house and says things like "this will last me my lifetime here now".

Every so often now I have a niggling gut feeling that this will probably fizzle out; other times I think we'll just carry on with our current arrangement of seeing each other at weekends only.

I suppose I'm looking for anyone else with similar experience?

You're talking as if there's a pre-destined outcome. What are you hoping to hear?

If you are both happy with the arrangement then it sounds great. I wish I could have my house to myself !
My two questions would be what is he doing during the week when he’s not seeing you ? And what would happen if either of you needed caring for ?
It sounds to me like he’s very happy with the arrangement, but are you and why haven’t you discussed it ?

It sounds ideal to me, but then I don't ever want another relationship living with someone!

I think him loving away after 2yrs was a pretty good message that its not going to ever be a settle down and live together scenario for him.

Do you want to live together? If yes then you need to talk to him. I find it strange that after 5 years you e never thought about it.

I've been with my DP for 4 years and we don't live together, for various logistical reasons, but we are both happy for now. It's not our long term plan to never live together though. We discuss our plans and our future often.

Why haven't you discussed the basics with someone you've known intimately for 5 years?

Do you want to live with him? Or are you happy with things as they are? If you want to live with him, you need to talk to him. You’ve been with him for a long time - a conversation about moving in together shouldn’t really be a shock.

I'm only just 40 and I dont intend to live with a man ever again.
I left my husband a few years ago and we're now divorced, the marriage was emotionally abusive.

I have a partner, we've been together 16 months but we have no intention of living together.
Me because of my crap marriage and I'm not willing to compromise or share my living space ever again. (I do have adult children living at home too)
Him because he has a school aged child and wants a home for only them to.

The long term plan is to see esch other a few nights a week while leading a fulfilled life outside of that.
Its worked perfectly so far.

Society and the media make out that if you're in a relationship you must live together but that is not true. More and more people live apart.

What you want is whats important? Do you want to live with him or do you just think you should?
What would you gain by living with him?

Sounds like my perfect relationship, I will never live with anyone again. Is it what you want though? How's everything else between you?

I don't live with my partner and have no plans to. That's down to me having children mostly but I do like mt independence and can't get used to sharing my space with another adult now.

A friend of mine has been with her partner for about the same amount of time as you and doesn't live with him. Neither have children - her mid 40's, him early 50's. He also lives 45 mins from her but both have commitments where they live (work, homes).

They are happy with how their relationship is as at their ages they have become very used to their independence but they are very much together and see each other every weekend a usually a night in the week.

So I guess it depends on whether you are both happy with it staying like this forever. What other people think is irrelevant.

Tbh I don't think your question can be answered by anyone else .
I had a long distance relationship and in the end we moved somewhere completely different to be together .
You both have homes in an area either of you sound willing to move to. You both also sound pretty settled in your homes as well.
However , you are querying your future so you have concerns , so something is not ' right ' .
Could you tell him you have decided because of lockdown that you should not be seeing each other, you could then decide on what you want to do.

What do you want from a relationship?

He is offering weekend dating.

If you want to live with someone after X period of time dating, somewhere near where you want to live and your work, he’s not the man.

The size of your ‘pool’ of options will partly depend on geography! you say he’s moved to ‘another village’ which implies you too live in a village, if you live and want to stay somewhere near few jobs, that could limit your ‘pool’. Different, of course, if you’re within a quick commute of a city/large town with lots of jobs.

If it suits you both then I think it’s a great arrangement. Have you discussed it? Do you feel he’s committed to you long term?

You sound pretty indifferent about the relationship and it’s prospects. So, it’s telling.
I guess people do fall into a routine and as living apart and only doing weekends has been the routine over 3 years - it is indeed unlikely to change. If either if you needed more from a relationship - someone would raise it.
On its own it doesn’t mean anything.
There are different setups and different levels of interactions. Main thing is whether both people want the same thing.

If you want a relationship that is closer you still have time to find one. It’s hard to gauge what you’d prefer from your post as you say that you are independent, but at the same time you aren’t sure a part-time weekend relationship is what you want.
So - it’s all up to you, really

*@Teatimes2 * What do YOU want?

I'm in a similar set up - my OH of 4 years lives 30 miles away and spends more time at my house than I do at his but we don't live together. I have 3 adult children mostly away from home and an elderly cat which obv needs looking after - he hasn't. After my divorce I knew I would never marry again - OH feels the same. I am revelling in my financial independence - OH is the same. I cannot foresee a time when we would live together - I love him but enjoy having space away from him.

Please don't be swayed by what you 'should' be doing as a couple - do what works for you!! Whether its one house or two, one bed or two!

Just to add that 3 years ago I was convinced OH and I would fizzle out due to not seeing each other and living so far apart. Obviously we haven't

Op, I'm in the exact same position, together 4 yrs now.. . It was his idea around 3 years ago to move my way.. He then changed his mind, I was considering moving his way.. I've realised I can't.. Neither of us can sort it so I broke things off a few days ago.
It's very very hard, we get on so well, have so much in common but I do know I want to live with him. You may change your mind and decide living apart is fine.. Everyone's different. I personally don't want a weekend relationship

I’m in a similar situation too. We’ve been together for 5 years, early 50s and live an hour apart. We see each other every weekend, holiday together etc but each have our own house. Logistical reasons mean that living together before now hasn’t been possible, however within the next couple of years my DD will leave home and I plan to leave my demanding job and find something part time. In theory this could help enable us moving in together

However, I suspect like you OP, I’m not totally sure what I want. I love time on my own, financial independence, freedom to have my house exactly as I want etc. However, I also don’t want to be in my 60s and still heading off at the weekend to ‘meet my boyfriend’. I often feel sad at the end of holidays when we go our separate ways and wish we could just go back to the same house like a ‘normal couple’. Then again, once I get home, I relish the quietness of time alone!

Like you, we haven’t discussed this much. I’ve initiated a couple of conversations when he says he definitely wants us to live together but then neither of us can figure out the practicalities so the subject goes away again for a while.

I think the advice here is good, even though I haven’t managed to sort this one myself yet. Firstly decide what you want, then ask him how he sees the future. If they match, great, if not you will have a decision to make. It might be that you are happy to compromise but at least you’ll be clearer.

Midlife ponder so well written and exactly the same as me. We holiday etc and I feel sad driving home..I love my space at points, who doesn't.. but I feel that if you're matched then you'll figure that out. It's sad when you get along so well, and like you say, I don't want a future in driving back and forth with an overnight bag in the boot.

Great- as long as you’re both happy with that arrangement.
Things could change in future when you both retire perhaps? I’d probably a conversation, I’m not sure how realistic it is to live apart forever. I suppose anything could happen between now and twenty/thirty years though!

My dad has had this sort of relationship for probably around 20 years now. He is now in his early 70s. I think my dad swore after he split with my mum when I was about 18 he would never live with another woman again (my mum was pretty difficult).
He split up with his partner after a couple of years, because I think she did want to live with him, but she must have eventually compromised because they have been together with their seperate houses for at least 15 years now. I know my dad goes to stay at her house on weekends, and they go away together sometimes. She still has her own very active social life away from my dad, and frequently goes on trips away with her female friends. I hear about it because when she goes away (which seems to be a few times a year) my dad has to go and stay at her house to look after her diabetic cat that has regular insulin injections. I think although she made the compromise initially to live like this, it has worked well for her as she has many seperate social outlets, which is important as you age.

My neighbour has a similar set up. She has her own place and her boyfriend/partner has his. They’ve been together for 19 years and are both mid sixties. Pre COVID they’d travel a lot together, he often stays over. She has lots of friends and seems really happy with the set up. They live 25 minutes apart.

I am very happy with DH but I have come to realise that if for some reason we weren't together I would never live with someone again. Not a flatmate, not a partner. Dh is brilliant, does his share, I love having him around and he's absolutely my rock so it sounds like a weird thing to say. But it's also hard work to make it work and there are lots of compromises. For this relationship, I am happy to make those compromises. But I would not be willing to do so for a new relationship.

I've just remembered, my ex's granddad was with his partner for about 25 years and they lived next door to each other for that whole time until he had a stroke and needed to go into sheltered accommodation, at which point she moved in with him.

It worked very well for them both and I think they would have killed each other had they not had their own spaces! They had dinner together and spent most of the day together but went home to sleep most evenings I think.

He sadly passed away a couple of years after they moved in together...maybe that says something!

I'm similar age, similar length of relationship, same situation.

I don't want to live with a man again (for the foreseeable future anyway) and he's happy living on his own too, so this suits us and I don't see it fizzling out unless one of us becomes unhappy with the situation and the other doesn't want to change.

If it suits both of you there's no reason to worry about it, if you see your future as living with a man and this isn't something he wants then yes, it could well be an issue which may cause the relationship problems.

The key, as with most things, is communication. As long as you're both happy, go with it! It works great for me