Never will live together - can this relationship last?

[Teatimes2]

So I'm with my partner 5 years, him late 50s and me late 40s, no children, never married. We each own our properties, never lived together. Two years into our relationship he decided to move away to another village, 45 minute drive away. I lived here for a few years in my 20s but would have no desire to live here again, and he knows that. We're both independent, we've never had a discussion about living together but in reality I know it will never happen because I've no intention of moving somewhere that he picked 2 years into our relationship, further from my job etc, and I also know he'd never move back here now as he is still buying things for house and says things like "this will last me my lifetime here now".

Every so often now I have a niggling gut feeling that this will probably fizzle out; other times I think we'll just carry on with our current arrangement of seeing each other at weekends only.

I suppose I'm looking for anyone else with similar experience?

Just another perspective.. And I'm trying to justify my decision because at this moment in time it doesn't feel great.. But for those of us 45mins and further apart. I miss going for a drink after work in the summer.. Going out for dinner one evening.. Packing a bag every other Fri is exhausting. The lovely times together which then filter back to 2 days a week..8 days a month.. I found it too hard

Not personally, but I have known two people in your situation, one of whom is in their 50s and been in the relationship for at least 15 years.

I'm widowed and in my 60s. If I ever have a relationship again, it will be one like yours, OP.

My husband was the easiest person to live with, and we could accommodate each other's foibles because we'd been together since our early 20s and grown into the relationship and the changes in our lives and likes/dislikes gradually. But I'm not up for compromising on my home, my decisions, and my lifestyle at this point. Over the last few years, I've learned to enjoy having everything the way I like it!

Also I'm not up for caring for someone in old age or ill health when I've not known them long. That's happened to three of my friends who remarried in retirment, and their resentment and regrets are huge.

This thread is fascinating and even though I’m not the OP, I’m finding it so helpful! It’s reminding me that, particularly in relationships formed in say middle age, it isn’t uncommon for people to retain som independence and live apart, whilst still having a strong relationship. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking the commitment isn’t there if you don’t live together.

@Ntwa, I do totally get your perspective too though. Constantly packing/unpacking bags is a pain, and I’d like to live a more normal life at weekends. Yes, our time together is special, however I often find myself thinking when I’m at his about all the jobs I could just be getting on with if we were at mine. I like just pottering about together On a day to day basis when we get the chance. I also worry that we keep this separate arrangement going for years and only live together when we’re getting on a bit and need each other for care. It’d be like living our best years apart!

Not any easy one to solve.

I keep a lot of things at my partner's place so that my weekend bag is minimal (just clothes really) and it feels more homely to me. I do sometimes think about what I could be doing if I were at home too, but only usually if we are not doing much at his (like all the time at the moment!)

As a mum of 2 though, I do like being able to leave my mum hat at home when I go to his and be 'Sunshine' for a couple of days.

I’d assume that if not living together, even if a long relationship, couples would v often NOT provide care for the other should the situation arise.

I have a family member who was widowed in her 50s who doesn’t date at all partly because she’d never want to provide care again. Several of her friends have since felt they ‘had to’ provide care to men they’d been dating.

I think it's the moving further away from you, that would bother me and let it fizzle away. It's fine not to move closer, probably easier if you do ( I live 5 mins away, which is handy).
If there was distance, I would expect the other person to make an equal effort to come to me, and if they weren't pulling their equal share of effort, it would be a no.

Midlife I do feel like we have a great relationship but part of me also knows when I'm 60 say I will want to live with him. We are living our best time now at a great age but also missing out on a lot. We'd both be financially better off (him more than me) be able to do more and we have so much in common it's quite scary.
I will always regret this decision because I could spend the next few years carrying on, bu rive felt like this for a long time now and that's not good.

I reckon it will last for as long as you are willing to put up with it. I have read all your other threads about this guy and it seems your relationship hasn't progressed much since the 'dating' stage. You have a very 'surface' relationship, no meaningful discussions, no 'feelings' explored. Everything is on his terms, but you seem willing to go along with it whilst getting your frustrations out here. I suspect others who live apart have discussed and agreed to their situation and make seeing each other a priority and make plans together. I can't see anything changing with your situation (if anything, its been getting more and more distant over the last 3 years). Only you can decide if you are happy with this and if not, set yourself free. Do you want another 3 years of this setup?

Are you the same poster who said he stays at your place during the week for free and goes to his home at weekends but doesn't invite you?

@Teatimes2

So I'm with my partner 5 years, him late 50s and me late 40s, no children, never married. We each own our properties, never lived together. Two years into our relationship he decided to move away to another village, 45 minute drive away. I lived here for a few years in my 20s but would have no desire to live here again, and he knows that. We're both independent, we've never had a discussion about living together but in reality I know it will never happen because I've no intention of moving somewhere that he picked 2 years into our relationship, further from my job etc, and I also know he'd never move back here now as he is still buying things for house and says things like "this will last me my lifetime here now".

Every so often now I have a niggling gut feeling that this will probably fizzle out; other times I think we'll just carry on with our current arrangement of seeing each other at weekends only.

I suppose I'm looking for anyone else with similar experience?

I know of a few couples who are older, second and third long term relationships who have this arrangement. One couple has a distance of 1h15,spend 4 nights a week together. Another are closer but spend similar number of nights at one another's and the other couple live 3 months with one another in S America, then he returns to the UK for 8 weeks. It works for all of them, so I don't see why if you're both happy it wouldn't work for you longterm, unless you want to reside together?

My dad is 73 and lives apart (although walking distance) from his DP of 16 years. He is happy enough.

Must run in the family. Been in a relationship for 5 years. Due to parenting incompatibility (he has a 19yr old child with no basic qualifications and who refuses to do anything except mooch about the house and fully expects to depend on mum and dad for ever) we won’t live together.

He has been living here since lockdown and, lovely as he is, I’ve just given him his marching orders.

People are complex. Relationships are complex. Particularly ‘later life ones’.

Different strokes for different folks.

My DP and I are similar ages to you OP. We have no intention of living together.

I am very committed to him and I feel he is committed to me. We spend 3/4 nights a week together and he lives 45minutes away.

It's perfect for us!

We’re 45 mins apart also (or will be when he goes back).

I quite like the drive and the escape front my home town!

Latent, and others who are OK with it now, have you thought about further sons the line.. Say anorher 2 yrs as such.. Its gets harder I find of course with added memories..

The OP didn't come back.

I’ve thought about it ‘down the line’, and all I know is this - nobody knows that the future holds. But a future of relationship breakdown/having to separate assets from DP (his dd’s behaviour is quite destructive, she is wholly dependent and DP is weak) is not one I’ll be choosing. I would rather a stable life even if it’s weekend-bag-in-boot (which I don’t love). At least I would be choosing to go..

But that’s my situation and everyone will have their own set of complexities.

Latent thanks, and sorry op I'm not wanting to hijack the post.
I understand that and yes everyone will be different. My problem is we have no 'baggage'.. Kids, family arguments, nothing negative.. Just that we can't either move and I'm fed up a 2 day relationship