Cheating but not cheating ??

[Bree25]

Do you think it’s possible that there are men out there who push the boundaries of cheating because maybe the idea excites them maybe because there drunk or bored with life but never go through with it ?
I know some 100% do and then there are some
That never entertain the idea but what about the ones Inbetween ?
Is it possible a man would sign up to a dating / hook up site one night after too much to drink but never follow through with meeting up ?
Is it possible a man may send enquires to prostittues when drunk for the excitement but not have the intention of acting out just likes the idea of knowing he could / can or the excitement of getting a message back / doing something taboo ?

Sure. Bin him anyway.

Both types of these men aren't worth the air they breathe. Creepy, untrustworthy twats, the lot of them.

With prostitutes I think men are divided very clearly into the “ yes I would” and “ not in a month of Sunday’s“ camp.., not many are in-between.I don’t think anyone would message one for the thrill. They might message and then bottle it though. In relation to other women it would depend on the site they’ve signed up to. I would assume as a minimum that they would be seeking a cyber relationship with Someone - eg sexting and sharing photos. If they’re saying they’re just looking then that’s a complete pack of lies as far as I’m concerned.

Being drunk tends to lower your inhibitions - it doesn’t really make you do things you don’t otherwise want to do though.

I'm curious. What do men get out of a cyber relationship? Or women for that matter

My Ex DH wrote a very comprehensive and fairly detailed profile on a dating site one evening. When I found it and confronted him he told me he was very drunk at the time, had no memory of doing it and was appalled/ashamed/horrified/sick to the stomach etc etc. Like a prat I believed him.
Fast forward a few years and we are no longer together. An old friend got in touch and told me he tried it on with her, also found out he had contacted an ex girlfriend, and he had popped up on another site flirting...heavens knows what I didn't find out.
Moral of the story is that no decent man does that.

I do wonder that myself. After a marraige break up I signed up to a couple of dating sites to try to boost my confidence. The number of times they start a conversation and then dont bother to carry on astound me.... perhaps they're seeing what they can get when they shouldn't be???

Either way they’re not a great catch, are they?

It’s all so bizarre
The hook up site I found was from 3 years ago it was called fuck a stranger!! He’d set it up under a fake name and date of birth so I really don’t get it , he never used it I can see that but clearly set it up , looked at the date he’d been out drinking with his pals that night!

Second was more recent with the prostittues same pattern of behaviour though with late night messages all when I can see he’s had a drink (he’s not a regular drinker or anything) but likes a drink on a weekend. Messages were asking about availability, prices , etc , I can see this has happened on more than one occasion it’s obviously sickened me and he’s said how sorry he is (they all do when caught I’m no fool) but he’s making out it’s not a cheating thing , saying he just wanted that buzz . That feeling of knowing he could like a pick me up , I honestly don’t know if this is even a thing or wether he’s leading me up garden path ...

To give further details we’ve been together 12 years with 3 children , I’m currently on furlough and life’s hard so I can’t jump straight to the break up thing , I’m trying to process

@Bree25 There isn't a timescale you have to work to, just take it at your own pace.

Personally, I use the 'If my daughter's partner did this' test. Is the behaviour acceptable? Is this what you would want for one of your kids?

Your next move is up to you and not for anyone on Mumsnet to dictate.

I agree with @Definitelynotlazy what would you tell a friend or family member or your own daughter?
I wouldn't stand for this that's just me though, when you are drunk your judgement is already clouded so how can he prove that he never intended to actually go through with it when he was pissed at the time?

There is a big difference between wha men believe and what they say to women.

Doing a test like ' if your daughters dp did this? Doesn't work as there are many things people do that they would want their own dc to do or have happen.

My ex was convinced that online sexting wasn't cheating, ( he had many sites that log you out and have no footprint).
He knew it was cheating but that was his pretend belief when I found out.
This is the same person who told me cheating was disgusting, 3 months pregnant I found out he cheated on his ex when she was 8 months pregnant with a friend they worked with ( behind the pub - after work) it only came out because they girl told.
When I spoke to the ex, she told me he had been caught many times.

If you met him you wouldn't believe he's such a creep, but I've seen the dm's, he's a different person and that is why he doesn't feel as if he's in the wrong.

Does he actually think "pulling" and hiring are equivalent?

Ugh. Regardless of whether he went through with it, any man who thinks a woman’s consent can be purchased is a dog. Asking how much money he’d have to hand over to get his dick sucked by a stranger is not the behaviour of a decent man.

It's sleazy, pathetic, low life behaviour so he doesn't deserve to be in your life.

That's all there is to it, really

There's no difference in my mind whether he actually went through with it or not, the intent was there in that moment so it would be curtains for me I'm afraid

To go to all the efforts of joining up, logging in and out, browsing, direct messaging... must have been some consideration there, in that he must have at least been thinking (and wanting) to go through with it.
Probably just chickened out.

It would be hard to trust him after that.

Yep - there are definitely men who are like this. I experienced something like this a very long time ago. I am ashamed to admit that when I was in my early 20's I spoke/flirted with a married man. I was 22 at the time and he was 34, we met at work. I sent pictures but no face to face contact ever happened. I know had he gone through with it I would have 100% slept with him. No excuse but I had very low self esteem and enjoyed attention off any man, whether it was good or bad attention it really didn't matter to me at the time. I know he wanted to meet up but he just couldn't bring himself to do it, he would speak very fondly of his wife every time we spoke. Of course now I am so glad he didn't go through with it. Around two months later we both decided to cut ties and deleted each other off all social media etc.

Thank you it’s really helpful reading others experience and opinions on this

A friend of mine goes on tinder a lot but never has any intention of meeting anyone

Well you can find it unacceptable behaviour from a partner and end the relationship .. totally aside from.whetger he actually intended to cheat of not.

Because it is unacceptable behaviour in s partner.

I tolerate light porn use but signing onto and browsing (and possibly messaging on) dating, sex sites etc. and browsing etc on prostitute sites .... Nah.

A friend of mine goes on tinder a lot but never has any intention of meeting anyone

Are they in a committed relationship?

If so, what does their partner think of it,?

Yes. The same ones who have very close relationships with women at work or social groups but never actually have affairs.

It's possible, but not that common. If a man wants to/is going to cheat, then it's usually the physical side of things he's interested in. And if he's matching/messaging other women, then he's probably doing it with the intention of getting physical. 'Emotional cheating' is more of a female thing. Women sign up to dating sites for the validation/confidence boost. It's all cheating, and it's all abhorent.