Just been dumped

[Kissimirri]

Hi all.

My relationship of about a year ended tonight. He couldn’t/wouldn’t commit to a future with me. We had similar problems in September that we seemed to talk through so it doesn’t come entirely as a surprise - I think I had started to emotionally protect myself - but I am still very sad and feel very alone. I am 34 in March and starting to worry that my time is running out. I only recently started to feel that I want to have a family. I live alone and the pandemic makes the loneliness feel worse (for everyone, I am well aware).

I spent all of my 20s and early 30s focused on my career and in relationships with emotionally unavailable or otherwise unsuitable men. This one seemed different at the start - he talked about marriage and children being something he wanted - and I feel like the rug has been pulled from underneath me. We spent Christmas and New Year together with lots of affection, I love yous, etc.

Does anyone have any reassuring words please?

Awwwww I totally understand and I know how hard it is. The thing is, it’s just going to feel shit for a few days but will start to get better. Ice cream, shit movies, calls with friends, and then think about real life again in a few days.

Sorry about this OP, I know it must be really hard. You still have time on your side at nearly 34, and everyone is hibernating now anyway - you have all your chances to find someone lovely when the weather lifts and life starts opening up again. In the meantime be gentle with yourself and try not to catastrophise too much.

Your time is not running out! I'm in my late 50s - oh, to be 34 again - so young, so much potential. I bet you are not even leaking pee yet. Good for you! That's huge.

That's shit he seemed to turn rather quickly, but, just keep looking forward... this too shall pass. Brighter days ahead.

Same boat as you.. Couldn't sort our future so its over.. 4 yrs later.. Gutted and sad.. I feel your pain.. Hugs

I was in a similar situation, he cut it off before committing to a future.
I accepted it gracefully but once he missed me and realised how lonely it was without me, he came running back.
Focus on yourself now, write everything down

Sorry kiss, I've just been dumped too, great timing right!
I keep telling myself it's ok to feel in pain and heartache, it's not going to kill me, hopefully it will make me stronger (I'm quite an emotional / sensitive person).
You might not be ready for this but I've hit the dating apps to distract myself, icecream & wine wouldn't be a good idea at the moment, I don't want to add to my Christmas belly None of my mates met the guy, but they are hearing about all his faults now! (we aren't going to get back together).
Hope you feel better soon, it's his loss.

Ah so sorry - it’s a horrible feeling but it’ll pass, I promise! Keep distracted and understand he wasn’t for you. Better to find out now than further down the line. Onwards and upwards, there are loads more men to date. You’re still young, take a few deep breaths, and dust yourself off and keep going

Many couples I know have broken up when they are on the brink of getting serious and ended up getting back together shortly after. Just saying .. you do you for a while but maybe things will work out if they are meant to. And if not then he did you a favour.

Thank you everyone for such kind messages, and to those going through the same.

When you say he wouldnt commit to a future with you, what do you mean? I mean one year is kinda too soon to be talking marriage and kids. Let alone back in September. Or do you mean he was refusing to acknowledge it as a relationship?

It doesn't sound like you were compatable anyway. Sounds like he was stressing you.

He definitely acknowledged it as a relationship. We did discuss a general timeframe for children previously; I said I would like to be in a position to TTC a couple of years from now, and given my age I think this was wise to discuss. He agreed that seemed a good timeline and said he was on board with that idea. But when I pointed out that the the “pathway” (for lack of a better word) to this was moving in together, and ideally being married before having children, he said he “just couldn’t do it”.

So, altogether it’s been sad and disappointing. I have been married before in my early 20s and feel that I have a clear idea of what I want now. I don’t think a year in is too soon to discuss the future in our 30s (he is 35).

I think if he wasnt even willing to give you a readonable timeframe for moving in together (eg: within a year) then yeh you probably made the right decision.

But I cant blame him for feeling a bit jaded with talk of a timeline for marriage ect...

But guys have the luxury of taking there time with these things I suppose.

I'm sorry this has happened .

Does he already have children? Did he give a reason why he just couldn't do it?

Thank you @Onthedunes. No, he has no children. He is not good at committing to things (career, countries) and hasn’t lived with a partner before. So, maybe that should have told me something.

He said also that he had some “doubts” about us, the main one being that I take life more slowly than he does (not even sure what that means, he said something about being frustrated that I don’t like to go on long walks!).

Honestly when I write this out this sounds ridiculous, who breaks with someone because they don’t want to go hiking.

It does sound strange, I don't feel you are getting the truth of how he feels.

Maybe he's scared of the parental responsibilty after only a year together.
Many men do get that fear when faced with the choice of fatherhood.
Try to get him to open up and find out what his fears are.

Find your running shoes and run,away from that is.

I wasted years on someone,( thankfully in my early 20's, )met my DH of thirty years in my late 20's, the draw of the other guy was always strong, we lived in totally different parts of the country and only kept in touch sporadically, the chat was never sexual, or even a romantic way, we just knew the same people, thought the same thoughts, but I realised he was a bit feckless and never going to change.

I am in sporadic contact with his brother these days, turns out, he is knocking 60, single, (never ever wanted to commit to any lass he met) doesn't own his own home despite being a HUGE earner at one point, he has ended up in sheltered accommodation having had a massive stroke due to not minding himself and is unable to work.

We on the other hand, worked our arses off, went without, ( looking back he sometimes sneered at us for being so sensible) mortgage paid off, decent pension and decent savings pot behind us.

Not wishing any of the above on your ex, but do yourself a favour and walk away.

Life might be trying to give you a steer.

So sorry this happened to you. As somebody said take a few days of ice cream, your favourite films and reflect. You might think yourself that this guy wasnt the potential father of your children. He might have got cold feet but try not to message him. 34 is such a good age - don’t worry - you have a few good fertile years left. I met my husband when I was 38 and when it feels right you’ll know xxx

Oh and I forgot to say, that two months before my wedding day, he rang me and asked me not to marry my DH, ( I was always going to)

I replied if I walk away, I will be walking away from someone who loves me and respects me, with whom I am in the very early stages of buying a home, someone who gets a job and sticks to it, someone who loves a drink, but doesn't go overboard, someone who is crap at DIY, but will happily invite people into our home, someone who will drive from one end of the country to another to rescue a friend if needs be (you chose to swerve that (the responsibility) of driving, tax, insurance, maintenance.

You can offer none of that.

So if it is all the same to you, I will still be getting married.

When I told DH, he smiled, shrugged and said the man is a fool and one day he will see it writ large in front of him.

Thank you previous posters. I feel very shaky this morning; I slept very little and am not sure how I will handle all my meetings today. I have a strong urge to message but I doubt it would make any difference. If he wanted to be with me, he would be with me.

How disappointing, Kiss! Good thing he didn't waste your time any further, but that was a fast U-turn.

You'll need a bit of time to lick your wounds and do your own thing before looking for someone new anyway, so in a few months' time, when you're back out there, it will be warmer, people will be getting out and the situation will be looking up a bit more - and there will be lots of people looking for new partners, who've had a while to think abut their priorities in life.

Don't message him! Think how humiliated you'll feel when he tells you yet again that he doesn't want to see you, or worse, if he just blocks you.

Keep your dignity. He doesn't sound like much of a catch if he can't commit to anything at all in his mid-30s. I think once you get over this shock you'll see he wasn't right for you.

Ah do try not to message OP - you want to be drawing a line under this and move towards a different mindset where you're not oriented towards him, where he's someone you think about only occasionally. The French have an expression, 'se changer les idées' in times of strife, which I find useful sometimes as a motto, in the sense of stepping out of one outlook and into another!

Oh how shit, especially right now with everything else being horrible...... I would second the suggestion of one of the posters above, of getting in some dating apps - I’m not saying rush headlong into anything serious (tho you can if you want to) but it might cheer you up to realise there are lots of lovely men out there, some of whom will share your dislike of hiking. I did this shortly after my ex dumped me, mainly just to cheer myself up and have people to message other than him, and as it happened I am now, months down the line, still happily seeing the first man I matched with on Tinder! (And he is WAY better for me than my ex......)

No advice to give OP other than to agree with PPs that you shouldn't message him - give him the space he wants and focus on yourself. Like others, I know couples who broke up at a similar point of discussion but got back together. Equally, if you don't want to get back together, you have every chance of meeting someone great who wants the same things as you.

If it's any consolation, I think I'm going to be exactly where you are in a few months. I've raised the subject and his response so far isn't great - really dithery and unsure. Having been positive about marriage and kids earlier on (we have been together almost two years). It sucks!